I'm a terrible girlfriend

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 9:14pm #1

He took a new job last year that he said that he would never want to do. I fell in love with him between him saying that type of life wasn't for him and him taking it up so now this is where the bad part comes in. I cannot forgive him for taking that job, for changing the course of our lives as we/I saw it. I let him know that he's not forgiven and whenever we have a petty little fight I bring it up and make him miserable. I know I should just walk away and give him peace but how do you walk away from someone you love.

Wibbs · 19-05-2009 9:19pm

If you actually love them you can. You can certainly not keep holding your issue over their head. How is ones own selfish feelings expressed as guilt and emotional leverage love? I wouldn't consider it that. In my eyes love boils down to acceptance. Acceptance of my own shortcomings and working on them and acceptance of the shortcomings of those I love and working on them too. So you have a simple choice here; leave him or live with him and those decisions of the past, leave in the past.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2009 9:23pm

I know that relationships are all about acceptance and compromise but he knew how I stood and I thought that was how he stood too as that's what he told me - I took that at face value, no more no less. I made it clear that going down that path wasn't for me and he just didn't give a rats ass about me in all of this and I cannot bear that he didn't even consider me in the decision. This is the bit that gets under my skin. His response always is/was I didn't think it was that big of a deal and nothing could be further from the truth.

poser · 19-05-2009 9:25pm

I think its time to give him a break and leave it in the past

Sugarlessfifi · 19-05-2009 9:44pm

I can tell you, I know how it feels for a boyfriend to do something so unforgivable you actually get pissed off at him again when you think about it again.

I still get annoyed at something my boyfriend did like.. last Summer - I still haven't gotten over my emotions of it, but I have gotten over how I should just leave him alone about it, I'll bring it up but not in a spiteful way.

You just have to let that burning feeling in your stomach die down, and don't take it out on him, I found exercising helped relieve the stress.

Think about him, if you took a job, would you like it if he brought it up all the time?

SarahSassy · 19-05-2009 9:52pm

The poor poor guy... He did what he thought was best ( I assume) and is getting gip every since... I am so surprised he has not walked.

Why have you turned into a nagging shrew on this issue? Either get over it and get on with life and the relationship or move on and give him some peace. The constant reminder/ reprimands is a bully boy tactic on your part and in reality you are bullying him cos he did something you didnt want him to do.. Bullying in any form is low and especially within a relationship. You sound like you have no respect for him - does he deserve to live a life like this?

Permabear · 20-05-2009 5:46am

This post has been deleted.

philologos · 20-05-2009 7:17am

"Love is not easily angered and it takes no record of wrongs". What a brilliant quotation. It's his decision to take this job, not yours.

denhaagenite · 20-05-2009 10:51am

Wibbs wrote: »

You can certainly not keep holding your issue over their head.

We don't know what the issue was.... I'm in a situation and I can totally understand where she's coming from if it's anything like I'm going through. The decision could be affecting her everyday life, not just popping back into her head the odd time. Can you elaborate a little bit OP?

Barracudaincork · 20-05-2009 11:00am

As you said yourself OP, you cannot forgive him!

So if you cannot forgive him send him packing.

People often forget there is a thing called Forgive and Forget, you should always forgive and take your time if necessary to forget, but you cant even forgive so you will never forget. Moving on is the only solution.

I cant comment as to how silly you are not to forget as i dont know the situation, you might not be silly, you might very well be silly.

LegacyUser · 20-05-2009 12:24pm

Right a little elaboration on the issue then. This is not simply a question of a job but a whole new life for us. I felt a long time ago now that he would possibly choose to go down this route and I asked his opinion and feelings on it, to which he answered no it's definitely not for him. I was relieved because I was willing to pack my bags and walk away then without getting in any deeper as it was not the type of life I ever wanted for me or for any future offspring I might choose to bring into this world. I told him all this after he had answered me and then left it be, never giving it a second thought. Life went on and I fell madly in love with him but in the last year out of nowhere he made the decision to move us and our life into this new path without even asking how I felt. He said it's not a big deal and it will do this that and the other for us but mostly it's a self serving effort. I told him I wasnt' really ready for this and would need some time to get my head around it - I didnt' give a flat out no. He told me to pack my bags and leave if I didn't like it and proceeded to move us anyway. Next thing I know he has our house on the market and that's it, decision made, no time for me to catch up. Calling it a simple job switch just isn't true and it simplifies a very complex issue. It's a whole life change that I've been dragged along with it. I want to know how to handle my anger at the whole thing really. I now spend my evenings alone, days are in work or car, while he works every hour of every day and barely comes home to rest his head. Children are now off the table as I cannot bear the thought of having children all alone and being on my own much of the day with no outlet, or dragging my children in a car with me on the over an hour commute to a creche near where I work.

This isn't the recession hitting us as someone said, it's not moving from great job to a much lower paid job with no options, this is a decision he made without my backing and it's not 9-5. I cannot shake the feeling that if it were me making the decision, I would be very much alone in this and he would have walked by now. I'm stuck because I love him and I hate him all at once. The anger is killing me/us and our relationship and I hate what I've become in all of this.

Barracudaincork · 20-05-2009 1:14pm

OP you say you cant have children with this man as you will be left at home alone etc Being alone or driving to a creche should be the last reasons you dont want to have kids, the main reason you wouldnt want to is because he isnt good enough to be the father of your kids, does that make sense?

Are you living together in a house you both purchased? If this is the case he cant sell the house without your permission if its bought as "joint tenants", which is normally the case when couples purchase a house.

He agreed to something before you both got serious and has now changed his mind, he is entitled to do so, however he also now has to take your feelings into consideration and he isnt doing that. Thats not on really.

You need to decide if you want this man or not, from your first post it appears you have decided its over as you cant forgive and you want to know how to get over someone you love, is this still the case? Or do you want advice or help in making the decision of staying with him or not?

SarahSassy · 20-05-2009 1:58pm

Well that puts a different slant on proceedings… You don’t mention what he does or why it impacts your lifestyle so much. He is entitled to do a 180 about turn if he so wishes but would have expected him to discuss this with you prior to any big decisions being made – this is what being in a relationship / partnership is all about. The fact that he didn’t would also upset me.

Sadly, you have 2 options – to stay or to go and no one can tell you what to do? Was he wrong – yes and no?

philologos · 20-05-2009 2:20pm

OP: Not trying to be obtuse here, but isn't there an option for you also to get a job? Your post seems very much like you don't have one at the minute, and it is entirely your husbands burden to provide for the family, and this is the reason you aren't going to have any children with him. He's slightly at fault for moving without any meaningful way of communication, but this is 2009 women can be equal providers for their children to men and I think this is a great freedom to be able to have. Overall I still think you are being extremely unfair on him.

tbh · 20-05-2009 2:22pm

depends on the job I'd have to say. If he's working in a bar and you don't like it cause of the women, then you'll just have to get over it. If he's a drug dealer, then you should leave.

SarahSassy · 20-05-2009 2:25pm

Jakkass wrote: »

OP: Not trying to be obtuse here, but isn't there an option for you also to get a job? Your post seems very much like you don't have one at the minute, and it is entirely your husbands burden to provide for the family, and this is the reason you aren't going to have any children with him. He's slightly at fault for moving without any meaningful way of communication, but this is 2009 women can be equal providers for their children to men and I think this is a great freedom to be able to have. Overall I still think you are being extremely unfair on him.

Didnt get that she didnt work, was relying on him for a living or that he was her husband from what she said.

Oh The Humanity · 20-05-2009 2:26pm

I'm stuck because I love him and I hate him all at once. The anger is killing me/us and our relationship and I hate what I've become in all of this.

I too would be furious if my partner made a huge unilateral decision without my permission and as well as that put a co-owned house on the market.

As you yourself said your anger (although justified) is poisoning the relationship. You have tried to live with it and one year later find you can't.

There is not much more to be said then, if you can't forgive him the decision is already made.

The relationship can't proceed so unfortunately love goes out the window. He obviously doesn't care as much as you anyway as he made the decision without you and told you to like it or lump it.

I personally could never tolerate such a thing and obviously neither can you. The fact that you hate what you have become is because you are trying to pretend to tolerate being pushed around and disrespected by your so called partner. Your self respect will not allow this.

You can't proceed in the relationship filled with hate and resentment. He has shown blatant disregard for you and proved your opinion means nothing in the relationship. This cannot stand.

Sometimes hard decisions have to be made, you are looking for a perfect answer here, where you get to reclaim your self respect and keep the man as well, but they are never going to come in one tidy bundle.

1. You can either 'put up and shut up'
or
2. Leave

Both will have their own painful consequences, but I can't see any modern woman being able to stomach this kind of situation where she is expected to be an obedient onlooker in her own life.

philologos · 20-05-2009 2:29pm

SarahSassy wrote: »

Didnt get that she didnt work, was relying on him for a living or that he was her husband from what she said.

Ah apologies. I was wrong my mistake.

Children are now off the table as I cannot bear the thought of having children all alone and being on my own much of the day with no outlet, or dragging my children in a car with me on the over an hour commute to a creche near where I work.

Oh The Humanity · 20-05-2009 2:31pm

tbh wrote: »

depends on the job I'd have to say. If he's working in a bar and you don't like it cause of the women, then you'll just have to get over it. If he's a drug dealer, then you should leave.

Exactly or maybe he has decided to become a Guard (dangerous & long hours) or a Politician (Despised in the community) or any number of dangerous things......

SarahSassy · 20-05-2009 2:32pm

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Exactly or maybe he has decided to become a Guard (dangerous & long hours) or a Politician (Despised in the community) or any number of dangerous things......

Or a banker - ugh....

EG77 · 20-05-2009 2:34pm

defo some form of crime...if so get out

good one about being a banker!

CDfm · 20-05-2009 2:54pm

I wonder what the job was.

My ex insisted in giving up work at a time I wanted a career move.Absolutely headwrecking but I couldnt leave it moneywise. I eventually did move but ....

LegacyUser · 20-05-2009 3:03pm

Firstly, we're not married, we are what the government refer to as a co-habiting couple. Also, I do work; I’m the chief earner in the household and always have been in that position. This has put us to extra expense but it’s nothing to do with that as we’re not struggling financially. He’s not a member of the gardai or a politician or a drug dealer or even a banker. Nothing as bad as that and really now I don’t think it’s the actual job that’s getting to me, it’s the unilateral decision to just up sticks, move us across the country, and not give a second thought to me in all of this that turns me psychotic – and I do freely admit that it’s a tad irrational. We’ve discussed the issue but the fact that the job has introduced a big change in both of our lives has been brushed aside with “it’s not that big a deal”.

Thank you all so much for your comments, it’s very good to get a view that isn’t so in the weeds with this as I am and venting has been somewhat cathartic.

chopley · 20-05-2009 3:39pm

Unregistered wrote: »

now I don’t think it’s the actual job that’s getting to me, it’s the unilateral decision to just up sticks, move us across the country, and not give a second thought to me in all of this that turns me psychotic – and I do freely admit that it’s a tad irrational. We’ve discussed the issue but the fact that the job has introduced a big change in both of our lives has been brushed aside with “it’s not that big a deal”.

You say you've discussed the issue, but I'm not convinced. A discussion involves two-way communication and that clearly hasn't happened. Have you expressed how you truly feel, rather than just getting angry? Also, have you tried to formulate what your rational objections to the move are? Would you not find work in the new place (you are the chief earner after all)? Would you miss family and friends? Etc., etc. Finding clarity in these aspects might help calm your mind, and only when you're calm will you be able to convey your feelings in a meaningful way.

Oh The Humanity · 20-05-2009 3:56pm

it’s the unilateral decision to just up sticks, move us across the country, and not give a second thought to me in all of this that turns me psychotic – and I do freely admit that it’s a tad irrational

You are PERFECTLY justified in feeling outraged at his unilateral decision making. It is not irrational whatsoever. Whats more his refusal to discuss it shows that he realises its out of order and is hoping to get away with it as long as he can.

ESPECIALLY seeing as it seems from your post you are supporting him/subsidising him to some extent....you being the main breadwinner

LegacyUser · 20-05-2009 4:02pm

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

You are PERFECTLY justified in feeling outraged at his unilateral decision making. It is not irrational whatsoever. Whats more his refusal to discuss it shows that he realises its out of order and is hoping to get away with it as long as he can.

ESPECIALLY seeing as it seems from your post you are supporting him/subsidising him to some extent....you being the main breadwinner

We pay bills/expenses on percentages rather than 50/50, that's not me subsidising him. We are equals based on what we can bring to the table, and he's a good earner too, it's just I earn more. As I said the financial side is no issue. So any suggestions on how to deal with the anger? I do mean it when I say I love him but I now also get the whole maybe love isn't enough concept too. Also I won't be getting a job nearer to where we are now, just not available. I love my chosen field and I just don't envisage a career change for me just yet. I reckon that would send us over the edge completely.

smcgiff · 20-05-2009 4:07pm

Not offering any solution here, but the OP has my sympathies.

It's not as easy as saying they should simply Stay or Go. There has to be better advice along the lines of talking to her partner - okay veering into offering a solution here so I'll cease and desist...

Now I'm going back to the football threads

Oh The Humanity · 20-05-2009 4:27pm

So any suggestions on how to deal with the anger?

Well, unless he accepts that his 'my way or the highway' attitude and refusal to discuss the problem then I don't see how you can stop being angry.

You have brought it as far as you can, his retort that 'its not a big deal' is very provocative.

HE doesn't get to decide whether its a big deal or not. BOTH of you do.

You are his equal, he seems to have conveniently chosen to forget this.

Its not a big deal for him but it is for you.

I just don't see how you can continue, he has ripped you off and he is refusing to discuss it......I can't see any way forward.

You could try putting all your cards on the table, telling him clearly and unemotionally how you feel.

If he says its not a big deal, tell him it is for you. You are a seperate person with rights and not just a compliant doormat.

He has made this decision that leaves you alone and isolated without consultation.......unless that elephant in the room is dealt with then there is no going forward.

CDfm · 20-05-2009 6:09pm

Unregistered wrote: »

We pay bills/expenses on percentages rather than 50/50, that's not me subsidising him. We are equals based on what we can bring to the table, and he's a good earner too, it's just I earn more. As I said the financial side is no issue. So any suggestions on how to deal with the anger? I do mean it when I say I love him but I now also get the whole maybe love isn't enough concept too. Also I won't be getting a job nearer to where we are now, just not available. I love my chosen field and I just don't envisage a career change for me just yet. I reckon that would send us over the edge completely.

Here are some book links.

Im not suggesting for a minute you behave this way but maybe it will help you see if you are going OTT

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/

The author is Mary Cleary a Mens Rights Activist from Navan

LegacyUser · 21-05-2009 8:52am

CDfm wrote: »

Here are some book links.

Im not suggesting for a minute you behave this way but maybe it will help you see if you are going OTT

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/

The author is Mary Cleary a Mens Rights Activist from Navan

What did you send me this link for? This is nothing got to do with me and who I am or what I stand for. I believe in fairness and respect in both my professional and personal life. I reject any suggestion, explicit or otherwise that I am a bully.

Beruthiel · 21-05-2009 12:37pm

Unregistered wrote: »

He told me to pack my bags and leave if I didn't like it

His selfishness is appalling.
The fact he said the above to you, without even discussing what he was going to do, tells you everything you need to know about him.
He's not that bothered whither you go along with him or not.
Clearly, he had no thought for you in these proceedings.
Not once did he look at what you were giving up to go do this with him.

Personally, I'd tell him to shag off.
I certainly would not, under any circumstances, stay with a man with so little respect for me. A man who did not discuss every aspect of this move in minute detail before we both went through with it, after making a joint decision.

He has no respect for you or your feelings.
At the end of the day, do you really want to be with a man like that?

Beruthiel · 21-05-2009 12:41pm

CDfm wrote: »

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/

Totally uncalled for.

LegacyUser · 22-05-2009 10:57am

It sounds, though, as if he did not understand that the major changes ie putting the house on the market and accepting the job (or whatever it is) were actually deal-breakers for you? Did you actually agree to these acts, even though you didn't agree with wanting to do them?

CDfm · 22-05-2009 4:35pm

Unregistered wrote: »

What did you send me this link for? This is nothing got to do with me and who I am or what I stand for. I believe in fairness and respect in both my professional and personal life. I reject any suggestion, explicit or otherwise that I am a bully.

In fairness - your thread tiltle is "I AM A TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND" and you dont sound that way to me and

it’s the unilateral decision to just up sticks, move us across the country, and not give a second thought to me in all of this that turns me psychotic – and I do freely admit that it’s a tad irrational..

The language you used is strong and if its misleading _thats ok. The kind of stuff that the terrible girlfriends would do by comparison.

Your initial post did no justice to you and what you stand for and the irony was lost on me and lots of posters were confused.

I have a lot of empathy with you in your situation because your OP has gone and put you in a very difficult situation with a unilateral decision which in turn has sort of sabotaged the plans you have jointly made together. I think you have every right to feel upset.

check out these sections from the due dilegence checklist that are relevant no matter the gender. It may give you pointers towards some stuff on his commitment.

Our future life

• How important is having children to you?

• As specifically as possible, why do you want children?

• What would children add to our lives together?

• How would you define the role of a father?

•How would you define the role of a mother?

• If the husband went out to work and the wife chose to stay at home, perhaps to look after our children, how would you feel about that?

• How demeaning is the idea of looking after a marital home if I was the person who went out to work?

• How would you want us to divide our labour?

• What needs to happen to ensure that you don’t ever feel as though you’re being taken advantage of?

• How much might you resent putting your career on hold in order to have children?

• If you had children, how much would you want to continue working? Why?

• If you had a choice of career or children, what would it be and why?

• What would you do if you discovered you were pregnant today?

• How would you expect me to respond?

You and me

• Why do you want to be with me?

• What do you want more of from me?

• What do you want less of from me?

• What do you believe I get from our relationship?

• What do you contribute to our relationship?

I think it is safe to say that this kind of stuff should be read without a gender bias and reverse the gender as appropriate and with what you are going thru it should give some pointers as to why you might be upset. You might even reverse the gender roles for child caring and thats allowed in a modern world.

If you guys are not clear on what you want together now -how will you fare if you have children.

Sorry if you took me up incorrectly. My understanding is that the author is a feminist and you shouldnt judge a book by its cover.

Here is the complete checklist if you are interested

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/due_dilligence.html

CDfm · 22-05-2009 5:33pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Totally uncalled for.

I think you misunderstood the book link and title for a comment on the OP and it wasnt intended that way at all.

LegacyUser · 01-06-2009 10:18pm

I'm back and he's gone! I used that checklist you gave me CDfm and I'm sorry for misinterpreting what you were saying. I asked him to fill out his side too. When you write down your answers they tend to have a little more truth and a little less frosting to cushion against how much that hurts. We're not on the same wavelength and I'm not willing to just let my life fall apart for him to follow something he lied to me about. He told me I had a bit of cheek and a mouth and lots else but the upstart of it was that he called his mates and went to the pub on Saturday night and told me to pack my bags and be gone by the time he gets back which will probably be in the small wee hours tonight. Life is just a peach!

I haven't seen him since so in one final vindictive act I spoke to the landlord yesterday evening and I've asked him to change the locks (lease in my name, all payments come out of my account). He's agreed to have someone come tomorrow to sort it out. Everything is in my name and I don't see why I should be homeless on top of everything. My family and friends don't live here so he can be the one to find a couch to crash on and since he's simply f****d off partying for the weekend, I took our car and did the same myself today. I forgot what it was like to do something without having to ask someone do you mind. I feel so sad but fingers crossed that will pass. Thanks for all for your help in this and I hope that I can come back on here with some good news, I'm hoping this is good news but only time will tell.

CDfm · 01-06-2009 11:48pm

No probs OP and Im sorry it worked out the way it did. Dont be hard on yourself and while I am not a Yeats fan this is lovely as a requiem and maybe he will evalute so never say never.

Aedh Wishes for the Clothes of Heaven
by William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Oh The Humanity · 02-06-2009 9:56am

Hey OP, Nice one.....good riddance to bad rubbish I say!

Now begins the rest of your life without this misery guts wrecking every ounce of fun and pleasure on you!

I forgot what it was like to do something without having to ask someone do you mind.

Well never forget that important fact again! He didn't deserve the respect you gave him although good for you for not sinking to his level!

As for changing the locks being 'vindictive' -I totally disagree, not at all vindictive! YOU are paying the rent, you can do what you like!

CDfm · 02-06-2009 2:04pm

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Well never forget that important fact again! He didn't deserve the respect you gave him although good for you for not sinking to his level!

As for changing the locks being 'vindictive' -I totally disagree, not at all vindictive! YOU are paying the rent, you can do what you like!

I do think you should treat people with respect.

Be careful of getting involved in nastiness as it is habit forming and its better to keep your private stuff private ie not getting too nasty or legal.

LegacyUser · 20-06-2009 10:37pm

An update of sorts! Well much has happened since we broke up! I was heartbroken and there are a few more fights to be had since it all went pear-shaped, however there is light at the end of the tunnel. An opportunity came up in work for me to move abroad on a long term contract - happens in my line of work from time to time and I've jumped at the opportunity. I wouldn't have moved if we hadn't broken up and it's one of the best decisions I've made because a promotion has come my way that I have strived so long for. Some friends believe I'm running away from my "problems" as they put it but I have to say that it's just great and life couldn't be better. Although I intend returning home next year, whether it's fulltime or just a flying visit remains to be seen. Thank you all for your responses and CDfm in particular thanks - you're advise has brought me back to life and for the first time in a long time I don't have to ask someone is it ok to do whatever I want!

VaioCruiser · 21-06-2009 12:30am

Unregistered wrote: »

Right a little elaboration on the issue then. This is not simply a question of a job but a whole new life for us. I felt a long time ago now that he would possibly choose to go down this route and I asked his opinion and feelings on it, to which he answered no it's definitely not for him. I was relieved because I was willing to pack my bags and walk away then without getting in any deeper as it was not the type of life I ever wanted for me or for any future offspring I might choose to bring into this world. I told him all this after he had answered me and then left it be, never giving it a second thought. Life went on and I fell madly in love with him but in the last year out of nowhere he made the decision to move us and our life into this new path without even asking how I felt. He said it's not a big deal and it will do this that and the other for us but mostly it's a self serving effort. I told him I wasnt' really ready for this and would need some time to get my head around it - I didnt' give a flat out no. He told me to pack my bags and leave if I didn't like it and proceeded to move us anyway. Next thing I know he has our house on the market and that's it, decision made, no time for me to catch up. Calling it a simple job switch just isn't true and it simplifies a very complex issue. It's a whole life change that I've been dragged along with it. I want to know how to handle my anger at the whole thing really. I now spend my evenings alone, days are in work or car, while he works every hour of every day and barely comes home to rest his head. Children are now off the table as I cannot bear the thought of having children all alone and being on my own much of the day with no outlet, or dragging my children in a car with me on the over an hour commute to a creche near where I work.

This isn't the recession hitting us as someone said, it's not moving from great job to a much lower paid job with no options, this is a decision he made without my backing and it's not 9-5. I cannot shake the feeling that if it were me making the decision, I would be very much alone in this and he would have walked by now. I'm stuck because I love him and I hate him all at once. The anger is killing me/us and our relationship and I hate what I've become in all of this.

Hi there OP

on a few other threads I have vehemently opposed some people who have expressed knee jerk views to people to dump their partner because of some issue or other, including some of transient infidelity.

So it is with that in mind that I have to say to you that my reading of your posts above leads me to believe that you should indeed call it a day . .

I say that because a partnership is just that. It is a agreement that we face life together and tackle whatever obstacles come our way together. When our partners do something bad, we try to deal with it and put it behind us and yes, love is about acceptance and forgiveness....

But this is not like that. You tackled it together and from what you say you made your feelings crystal clear. From what you say it was a fundamental issue that not only affected your life then, but continues to affect your life and any children you might have.

He chose to ignore what you felt. He did not compromise or win you over. He simply ignored you.

From the passion that you feel about it, and from your description of how life will probably continue to be with him - I feel that you have little choice but to take a step back and assess what kind of life you want in the future, and if ANYthing can be tackled with a partner who is prepared to ride roughshod over your feelings so callously, no matter how strongly you hold them.

You deserve better.

All the best.

I'm a terrible girlfriend

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