Didn't know where to turn...

LegacyUser

I posted here before but I guess I didn't give enough information about my problem and so it was hard for people to give me advice so I'll try again. I've made a lot of mistakes and things have happened to me over the years and I don't know where to turn.

A few months ago I had an abortion. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time but I can't let it go. I wasn't forced into it by anyone, it was purely my call. The memories are starting to effect me all the time now. I was futher into the pregnancy than I had thought and was shown the image on the screen. I was conscious for the whole process and now my nightmares are getting worse and worse. Its like the whole thing is becoming clearer in my head.

Don't get me wrong. Its not as if I'm trying to think about it. Its the last thing I want to keep popping into my head in the middle of meetings or anywhere else for that matter. I was going to keep the baby originally but the more I thought about it logically there was no way I could. My family know the situation and I am so lucky not to have a judgemental family but they don't believe in counselling, depression or anything like that so I know that if I try to tell them how I'm feeling, they will tell me that I'm 'dwelling' again.
Please don't judge me for what I did. I regret it more than anything else and I just wish that I could turn back time.

I've loads of friends but they're not the kind that you feel you can turn to about things like this. Its not that they are bad friends but, like with my family, I have built up these walls and I'm afraid to really let them in, just in case everything begins tumbling out.

There are so many other things but this is the one problem I can't shake. Medically I'm not worried but its everything else thats getting to me.

I'm beginning to hate myself. Please help me.

Victor

I find with things like this, that talking them out with someone is useful. You don't have to call it counselling if you don't want to.

StormWarrior

You sound like you really need couselling. It doesn't matter whether your family believe in it or not, you should get some. This is only going to get worse if you don't do something.

taz70

Please, please, please don't hate yourself. You made the best decision for you at the time. Please, please, please go and see a counsellor. It doesn't matter one bit whether your family is supportive or not (of the counselling) - this is for YOU not for them.

It really will be much easier to talk through your feelings with someone independent. What you've been through can be very, very tough to deal with, and there is no reason at all you should have to go through it alone. If you're worried, don't tell your family what you're doing - but please do this for yourself. It really does help enormously.

Big big hugs

LegacyUser

I'm just terrified of talking about it. The pictures in my head are bad enough, I'm afraid that if I say it out loud I will become the monster that I already think I am.

The thing is I saw everything and I mean everything...

My name is URL

If you decided to have the abortion there was obviously good reason, don't be hard on yourself over it. It could be alot worse if you didn't have it, who knows...

You could have post-abortion counseling, if you want to. It's a specialist form of therapy which doesn't focus on your past memories etc. It's simply about coming to accept what you done, and not hating yourself over it.

http://www.cura.ie/services_direct_post_abortion.htm

shellyboo

OP, the IFPA offer non-judgemental post abortion counselling. Iit would be a good idea for you to talk to someone - your parents and family don't need to know.

You don't need to hate yourself - you did what was right for you at the time. Hopefully you'll be able to see that in time, but talking with someone will help you straighten things out in your head.

Nevyn

You need to get counselling for your own sake and post abortion counselling for those who need it is free. You don't have to tell your family.

www.abortionaftercare.ie

LegacyUser

hi OP, hope my advice helps.i know exactly how you feel.iv been in the same boat about 2 years ago.me and my ex went through an abortion but we ended up breaking up because of it then i was left on my own with no one else knowing eventually it just ate up my life at the time.like yourself the nightmares were awful.i had it in my head i could cope with this until one day i cracked and told my family,well not my parents but it was a start.and thanks to them they encouraged me to see a counsellor.since the sessions i had, my life is finally on the right path.fair enough i still feel guilty but the way i look at it is at the time it was the right thing to do and what situation would i been in if i went through with it.so my advice to you is go get help.trust me it helps so much and if your family arent there to support you then explain to them that its something you have to do.if your in college or something go to the college counsellor.thats what i did.hope this has helped and your not alone.hope it gets easier for you to deal with.take care.

Victor

scared&confused wrote: »

I'm just terrified of talking about it. The pictures in my head are bad enough, I'm afraid that if I say it out loud I will become the monster that I already think I am.

So, keeping it inside means the voices own you. Saying it out louds lets you gain ownership over those voices.

Actually, go out into the middle of the park, nobody near you and say it out loud. Nobody will hear you, but you will feel just that tiny bit more in control.

LegacyUser

Hi again, I'm still with the guy who got me pregnant. We don't talk about it at all. I've tried to bring it up but I always stop myself. He knew about the situation. I couldn't hide anything from him. But I've no idea how he feels about it and the few times in the past that I did feel ready to talk, he wasn't.

I went to the well woman clinic last month and asked about getting tests done to make sure everything was ok down there and asked about the counselling and was told by the receptionist AND the nurse that medically, if I'd gotten my period, everything was perfectly fine and mentally, I seemed to be handling it well. That was the advice I got and thats just another reason why I'm nervous about the counselling.

LegacyUser

i left that unreg msg above, look it is so much better to talk trust me.talk to your boyfriend he needs to know what is going on in your head and how much this is hurting you.thats why me and my ex didnt last because we ignored it.if you intend on continuing this relationship it needs to be discussed.and go get counselling to help your state of mind.the longer you leave it the worse i found it got.it took me about a year and a half to finally admit i needed help and i wish i had done it soon after.take care

Bottle_of_Smoke

scared&confused wrote: »

everything was perfectly fine and mentally, I seemed to be handling it well. That was the advice I got and thats just another reason why I'm nervous about the counselling.

Yes, to them it seemed like you were handling it well but they couldn't see the nightmares and upset its causing you.

Everyone's right, counselling will do you a world of good. I'd say talk to your boyfriend too.

LegacyUser

i went through the same when i had an abortion 4 years ago.
Was severely depressed for about a year & ended up falling pregnant again to 'replace' the pregnancy id lost.

After alot of struggling, losing alot of friends & missing out on a year of college life I started going for counselling - best thing I could have done and my only regret was not going for it sooner.
Talking about your pain isn't easy at first. But as you keep talking about it week after week you become less afraid of it & almost used to it. Counselling will allow you to talk about it so much that it will no longer be this giant horrible thing that youre trying to push away because of the pain it causes, instead you'll find it becoming small and manageable.

Speaking from experience, the only way you'll be able to properly move on from this is through facing it head on & dealing with it fully.
If you try to ignore it or stop thinking about it it may end up surfacing in the future or affecting you in other subtle ways.

Taltos

Hi OP.

Really feel for you here.
If your o/h is not ready or able to talk then please reach out to someone else.
Try to seek counselling - I know your family do not believe in this, but you do not have to talk to them about it initially. Once they notice the difference you can tell them - but it is clear you need to find someone to listen to you and help you deal with the problems you are internalising.

If you really cannot face counselling maybe try something else.
If you don't deal with these emotions then worst case they could come back to bite you years from now.

Maybe try once more with your o/h, it could be that he does not want to talk about this as maybe he too is having difficulties dealing - so in helping yourself you might be helping him too.

Maybe if he finds it hard to chat try a simple exercise. Each of you write down one feeling and share the notes - just burn them afterwards - and as they light up imagine those emotions burning up with the notes too. Not sure if this will work - just remember it from somewhere.

Really hope you both can move past this.
T.

LegacyUser

i had an abortion 5 years ago. The initial feeling of huge relief gave way to a deep sadness. I was in shock for a long time afterwards and felt so guilty that i couldn't cry for my baby. i thought about it every single day for the 1st year. My heart was like stone, i couldn't feel any emotion, i felt so empty. Gradually the shock wore off and the tears came. I've cried rivers since. I have good days and bad days, as time goes on the good days greatly out number the bad ones. Take heart, it gets easier. The experience changed me as a person, it's made me a bit colder. My heart broke a little that day and will never be whole again but you move on and learn to cope with it. I remind myself that my reasons were justifiable to me at the time, i really didn't think i could cope. i look back now and think i would have coped but i can't change my decision. The important thing is i can justify it to myself. Don't worry about justifying it to other people, you're the one that has to live with it. Anybody who hasn't experienced it will never truly understand. Try counselling, talking about it does help to come to terms with it. I couldn't talk about it for a long time after, you'll know yourself when your ready.

Remember a day will come when it won't occupy your every thought, as hard as it is to believe now. Five years on it still pops in to my mind on a regular basis but i've made peace with myself and i've allowed myself to move on. I'm not deeply religious but i found praying helped ease the enormous guilt i felt, i don't go to mass but i feel but do feel closer to God now and i think a big step for me was starting to forgive myself.

I really hope you can try to believe the things will get better and you will be able to move on and feel happiness in the future.

i'll never forget but i've learned to cope and you will too x

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm joining the gang of 'I had an abortion'. It was a few years ago and I made the decision as best as I could at the time and that is what makes it the right thing to have done. Im much more secure, grown-up, happy, etc now so it would be easy to look back and think I could have made a go of it but at the time I didnt think so and so I trust myself that it was the right decision. It was distressing and I lost a load of hair a few months later so I know it effected me but we all do the best we can and so did you. You need to let go of this thing that didnt happen, it didnt happen for whatever reason you decided and thats okay.

The biggest problem I think you have is that you have images left in your head. Try to let go of those images, what you went through was worse for what you saw. You have a future to mind now not a past. Things happen to people and we let things happen to us too, so we deal with it, thats what we do. Your family obviously supported your decision and trusted you to make it so they cant be so wrong either about how things turned out. You didnt do this alone, you had your boyfriend and family there to guide you and support you too.

So talk to someone if you cant deal with this. But the bottom line is you have nothing to regret and lots to look forward to.