How do I get over somebody I was never actually under?

KieranKennedy

First of all, sorry for the stupid thread title. Second of all, I know this is probably the saddest thing in the world, but I didn't ask for it, it just kind of happened to me, so please go easy.

I met a girl while I was away on holidays last summer, and we got on quite well. After talking for a while I found out that she was actually in the same college as me. I just forgot about her when I went home and got on with things. She is very good looking, but I didn't see a whole lot more to her than that. When I started back in college we obviously recognised each other and started talking again. It was only then that I realised that she is so sweet and beautiful, really I mean as close to perfect as I can imagine. Her voice, her laugh, her smile, everything just suddenly appeared so obviously beautiful to me that I had to wonder how I didn't realise it before. We started talking quite often, and the longer this went on the more enraptured I became. We became close friends and we were very comfortable with each other, we both confided in each other and felt safe doing so. I began to play with the idea that we could at some stage become closer than that, actually become a couple. It was only when I realised that I wanted this, that I noticed that she probably has no interest in that whatsoever. And so I am left in this situation now: I think I am as close as I ever have been to loving somebody, and they don't even know it, and even if they did, they would not be interested. So my question is this: how do I turn it off? How do I stop myself thinking about her all the time, how do I stope wishing that she would call me and talk to me, how do I basically cut her out of my life because everytime I see her it is nothing less than agony for me. Sorry to sound so melodramatic, but this sucks as much as anything which has happened to me in my relatively sheltered life....

Any help or similar stories much apprectiated

allybhoy

Simple, ask her out. Walk up to her one day and just ask her would she like to go for a meal or something . If she says yes great, you might have what you think you've always wanted. If she says no then at least you know you tried and it didnt work and at least you wont have any regrets or what ifs. You will simply have to get over the fact that she doesnt like you in that way and try and move on, but it will be easier knowing you gave it your best shot. And by the way, dont txt or email or anything, do it in person.

shellyboo

KieranKennedy wrote: »

It was only when I realised that I wanted this, that I noticed that she probably has no interest in that whatsoever. And so I am left in this situation now: I think I am as close as I ever have been to loving somebody, and they don't even know it, and even if they did, they would not be interested.

What makes you think that?

I ask, OP, because there's no way you can stop yourself thinking the way you're thinking. You'll always be bothered by the hypothetical until you actually DO something - in this case, ask her out. If she says yes, lovely. If she says no, you can write her off completely. But the not knowing will drive you mental.

ManOfMystery

How do you know she wouldn't be interested? She could be having exactly the same feelings as you.

Latchy

OP you say she '' probably '' has no interest in that whatsoever but your afraid to find out in case your fears come through ?

The ' it's over before it began ' attitude means you will never have a chance to grow into a relationship with this girl because you havent allowed it as a possibility due to your fear of rejection . But should you try , dont expect it all to fall into place straight away .You have to want it badly and also work at it .It wont just come to you .

Best wishs

KieranKennedy

ManOfMystery wrote: »

How do you know she wouldn't be interested? She could be having exactly the same feelings as you.

Well there are a number of reasons why I dont think she is interested. 1 She is way better looking than me. I am not bad looking, but she is probably the best looking girl I have ever known personally. I don't think it is realistic to expect her to be interested in somebody less good looking than her when she is as perfect as she is. 2 She has so many single male friends, how can I compete with so many of them, how can I appear special when there are so many others. 3 She is a really friendly person, which means that I have probably read the whole thing wrong and she is just the same towards everyone else as she is towards me, and the only reason I thought otherwise is because I liked her so much. 4 She has had the opportunity to say something and she hasn't, I know I have too and I haven't said anything, but she is not as reseved as I am, and in the past has told guys that she likes them.

Basically what I am saying is that I am past the does she like me/doesn't she like me thing, and I am now at the point where I just want to stop thinking about her. Whenever I think about her it just hurts me.

ManOfMystery

KieranKennedy wrote: »

Well there are a number of reasons why I dont think she is interested. 1 She is way better looking than me. I am not bad looking, but she is probably the best looking girl I have ever known personally. I don't think it is realistic to expect her to be interested in somebody less good looking than her when she is as perfect as she is. 2 She has so many single male friends, how can I compete with so many of them, how can I appear special when there are so many others. 3 She is a really friendly person, which means that I have probably read the whole thing wrong and she is just the same towards everyone else as she is towards me, and the only reason I thought otherwise is because I liked her so much. 4 She has had the opportunity to say something and she hasn't, I know I have too and I haven't said anything, but she is not as reseved as I am, and in the past has told guys that she likes them.

Basically what I am saying is that I am past the does she like me/doesn't she like me thing, and I am now at the point where I just want to stop thinking about her. Whenever I think about her it just hurts me.

1) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some people will find a certain type of person attractive whilst others won't. How can you know she doesn't find you attractive?

2) No 2 relationships are the same; she might get something from you that she doesn't get from others.

3) .....or she could like you a lot and you're mistaking it for generic friendliness.

4) ...... or she could like you more than those other guys and is shy around you.

It's worth a shot man - better to regret something you did do than something you didn't IMO.

Liam Byrne

KieranKennedy wrote: »

1 She is way better looking than me. I am not bad looking, but she is probably the best looking girl I have ever known personally. I don't think it is realistic to expect her to be interested in somebody less good looking than her when she is as perfect as she is.

Pedestal Alert!

No-one's "perfect". And your taste is different to everyone else's, so no-one might have the same view of her as you, or treat her the way you do. And if she had the EXACT same taste as you, she'd be lesbian and going out with her twin!

KieranKennedy wrote: »

2 She has so many single male friends, how can I compete with so many of them, how can I appear special when there are so many others.

All these amazing men and they're all just her friends ? I dunno - she must have never fancied them or something. Or else they're the same as you and haven't had the balls to ask her out........

And lookee there ! Your answer's in that sentence! If they haven't ever asked her out, and you do, that's a way for you to stand out from the crowd!

KieranKennedy wrote: »

3 She is a really friendly person, which means that I have probably maybe read the whole thing wrong and she is just the same towards everyone else as she is towards me, and the only reason I thought otherwise is because I liked her so much.

Fixed that for you. "maybe" could well apply, but there's no reason to think that "probably" does.

KieranKennedy wrote: »

4 She has had the opportunity to say something and she hasn't, I know I have too and I haven't said anything, but she is not as reseved as I am, and in the past has told guys that she likes them.

And maybe (just maybe) because you're more reserved, she's no reason to think that you fancy her, and has decided not to take the risk ?

Better to know the answer's no - so that you can move on - than to never know.....

And the alternative ? All good....

Just be sure to lose the pedestal.....firstly, it's hard to kiss someone who's on a pedestal and secondly they'll NEVER live up to you comparing them to what you THINK they're like vs what they're ACTUALLY like.

Best of luck!

Nevyn

You need to face up to the fact that you are obsessing about a fantasy.
She only remains perfect due to you not getting to see that she is human and flawed like everyone else. If you had of bedded her and it was awkward and she was a mess in the morning you would not have this issue. You have put her on a pedestal and that does yourself a huge disservice as no one else will compare.

I suggest you cut contact for a while and start looking and dating in earnest.

KieranKennedy

This is so hard. I had pushed the idea of actually asking her out so far out of my mind and now reading the response here it is starting to sound like I was wrong to do it that. Maybe I should just ask her out. I have obviously wondered which is worse, the pain of rejection or the pain of never knowing. Thank you all for your replies.

petethebrick

Of course you have to tell her you fancy her in that way! Yeah it might ruin your friendship (no reason to though) but it won't be much fun to just be friends with someone you have feelings for anyway. Step up to the line and be a man

LegacyUser

KieranKennedy wrote: »

This is so hard. I had pushed the idea of actually asking her out so far out of my mind and now reading the response here it is starting to sound like I was wrong to do it that. Maybe I should just ask her out. I have obviously wondered which is worse, the pain of rejection or the pain of never knowing. Thank you all for your replies.

Kieran,
Time waits for no man.

Eeep

You owe it to yourself to at least tell her how you feel.
She may feel the same - point is you don't know.

I did something similar - it didn't go the way I wanted but we have remained friends - good friends. I'm glad I did.

Don't regret not doing it

LegacyUser

OP - girls have this great thing where they can fall for a guy that's not a male model because of who he is and what he does.

I am NOT a very good looking guy but have had serious enough relationships with girls who on the surface are WAY out of my league. I never quite got what they saw in me until one of my female friends pointed out that I'm the sort of guy who knows who he is and what he wants. I'm comfortable in myself and can make girls laugh and feel at ease. Without even realising it I discovered in my 20's that I had developed some manner of charm which girls dug.

So honestly don't worry if you think that she's out of your league. It's all about what SHE thinks about you.

LegacyUser

you must ask her out, even if she turns you down you stand to gain from it.

IME girls are much more attracted to and have more respect for guys who take a shot and go for their opportunities in life, regardless of the outcome. Plus you will gain in yourself from the self realisation that rejection is not actually that bad once in a while, it wont kill you.

I was in your position and i didn't take that shot, i now know she liked me back but i waited till she got fed up waiting.. now she's married with a child. Trust me you dont want to be looking back from that far down the road and asking how to get over it!! Be it a Yes or a No, both will give you closure much quicker.

KieranKennedy

Well I think I could do a follow up here. We went out into town after the exams and I decided to ask her out. I plucked up my courage and invited her to join me for a movie and dinner any time next week. As soon as I had the words out of my mouth I knew that it was a mistake. She was clearly completely taken aback by it and the possibility that we would ever be romantically involved had obviously never even occurred to her. She said yeah ok on the spot, but it was really awkward and it was abundantly clear that she just said it to avoid awkwardness. I was shattered and I just walked away after a few minutes. Later in the night she approached me and told me that she wouldn't mind going to the film with me, but that she was not interested in a relationship. I felt awful, as bad as anything ever. The worst thing about it was that the really strong mutual respect and rapport with had seemed to completely dissappear as soon as I had the words out. We couldn't even discuss it properly together afterwards. I can safely say that this is not only the end of any chance at romatic involvement, but it is also the end of out friendship. It is the start, however, of a whole lot of awkwardness, and for me at least, a lot of regret. I still don't like her any less than I did before, except now I know that there is no chance. I feel terrible about this.