I want holiday but no sex!

LegacyUser

I was living in Holland last year for a month and made friends with some Dutch people. One was called Johannes. On my last night we got drunk and I had sex with him. (probably wouldn't have done so if I was sober as I don't think he's that hot.)

When I left he told me I could visit any time, and twice after that I went on a weekend trip to Holland (and have another booked, I booked all three at the same time just because I miss Holland) and stayed with him. The first weekend we had sex, I thought why not since we had already. But after that weekend I didn't want to any more since I was starting to find him a bit repulsive. However the second time I stayed he had pulled another girl and was having a one night stand with her so I thought I could avoid having to refuse to sleep with him. But on my last night that girl had already gone home and he said to me as I was lying there in front of the TV, "I'm horny, I want sex" as if he just expected me to go along with it. I pretended I had fallen asleep and so avoided it.

I'm due to return for my last trip this weekend. I really miss Holland and desperately want to go for that reason, also I've already paid for the flight and it would be a waste of money not to use it. I can't afford to stay in a hotel but I seriously don't want to sleep with Johannes. But he has been speaking to me on msn and making suggestive remarks about my upcoming visit. I know you may think I should just not go but I miss Holland so much! I don't know what to do!

shellyboo

Unregistered135 wrote: »

I was living in Holland last year for a month and made friends with some Dutch people. One was called Johannes. On my last night we got drunk and I had sex with him. (probably wouldn't have done so if I was sober as I don't think he's that hot.)

When I left he told me I could visit any time, and twice after that I went on a weekend trip to Holland (and have another booked, I booked all three at the same time just because I miss Holland) and stayed with him. The first weekend we had sex, I thought why not since we had already. But after that weekend I didn't want to any more since I was starting to find him a bit repulsive. However the second time I stayed he had pulled another girl and was having a one night stand with her so I thought I could avoid having to refuse to sleep with him. But on my last night that girl had already gone home and he said to me as I was lying there in front of the TV, "I'm horny, I want sex" as if he just expected me to go along with it. I pretended I had fallen asleep and so avoided it.

I'm due to return for my last trip this weekend. I really miss Holland and desperately want to go for that reason, also I've already paid for the flight and it would be a waste of money not to use it. I can't afford to stay in a hotel but I seriously don't want to sleep with Johannes. But he has been speaking to me on msn and making suggestive remarks about my upcoming visit. I know you may think I should just not go but I miss Holland so much! I don't know what to do!

You've gotten yourself into a very silly situation here, to be fair.

You'll have to tell him you don't want to sleep with him... but by the sounds of things, that's the only reason he's letting you stay. So if you say you don't want to, I can't imagine you going to stay there anyway... would you even do that?! I don't think I'd be able to, it's like you're just using him for his accommodation.

Basically, you're going to have to get a hotel. And maybe stop sleeping with people you don't fancy. Twice.

cowzerp

Stay in a cheap B and B or dont go, this has trouble written all over it, as said above, he's letting you stay so he can get the deadly off you..
if you shag him so you can stay the night then your basically prostituting yourself.

LegacyUser

Either get a cheap hotel/B&B or a hostel.
Or have a look at that couch surfing website.

happyoutscan

Easy. Say no, get a cheap hostel and enjoy your weekend.

Bluefoam

It sounds like you are using him... either don't go or tell him the truth. I don't see the dilema, you are the one in the wrong & you have proved it by your devious actions...

sunnyside

I agree with the previous replies. Difficult to get out of. You are using him for free accomodation. He is using you for sex.

My name is URL

If you aren't interested in him why and "find him repulsive" why do you even talk to him on MSN? Hotels are cheap enough, as are b&b's

You say he has made suggestive remarks about your upcoming visit, but the fact that you go along with it without stating that you don't want to have sex, is in itself, suggestive.

You should explain your intentions so that there are no misunderstandings and no pressure on yourself. And also to avoid leading him on

KyzeR

You have gotten yourself into a problem here, saying that you are under no obligation to sleep with anyone and you are not in the wrong for that as previously suggested. If someone repulses you then dont sleep with them get yourself out of the situation and leave the freak to play with himself. Stay in a B&B and enjoy your trip without the worry of being subjected to another disgusting experience. You shoulnt have to sleep with someone for favours or lodgings... Get out while you still can.

sunnyside

KyzeR wrote: »

You shoulnt have to sleep with someone for favours or lodgings... Get out while you still can.

Thankfully she doesn't have to, she's choosing to do so of her own free will.

Bluefoam

KyzeR wrote: »

leave the freak to play with himself.

I find you stance on this startling... why is the guy a freak, just because he wants to sleep with the OP?!? As far as he is concerned they have a previous relationship & he has no reason to think this shouldn't continue - in fact she has asked to stay with him in his home...

KyzeR wrote: »

You shouldn't have to sleep with someone for favours

This suggests that he is demanding sex for lodgings - which appears to be untrue.

This situation is entirely of the OPs making...

petethebrick

There's no need to make a huge deal about it. These situations arise all the time. Generally it's best to be honest, which in this case would mean simply telling the guy you just want to be friends with him. By the sounds of it he's getting other action and shouldn't take this too badly.
If you're concerned about hurting his feelings or something you can just say you're not in the mood for it, or you could say you're seeing someone back home etc

KyzeR

He obviously doesnt have any respect for her because he brought another woman home when she was there and then wanted sex the next day. He is obviouly using her for sexual gains and if she doest want to do this then she doesnt have to.

Do you expect her to have sex with him because she did before... I find anyone that thinks that his behavour is acceptable quite unbelieveable and they should have a good long look at themselves.

You suit yourself girl, this guy is a looser and it will end up that every girl eventually feels like you do and he will repulse everyone. No quicker way to a sexless life then make demands for it.... pathethebrick is on the money with his comment... dont sleep with him again unless YOU want it.

cowzerp

KyzeR wrote: »

Do you expect her to have sex with him because she did before... I find anyone that thinks that his behavour is acceptable quite unbelieveable and they should have a good long look at themselves.

Are you for real?
she had meaningless sex with him before and it was not special then, so why is him wanting some meaningless sex now wrong, she said no and he left it at that, nothing wrong with him asking.

Also, if she does not want to be in this position then thats all her choice..

Latchy

Unregistered135 wrote: »

I was living in Holland last year for a month and made friends with some Dutch people. One was called Johannes. On my last night we got drunk and I had sex with him. (probably wouldn't have done so if I was sober as I don't think he's that hot.)

When I left he told me I could visit any time, and twice after that I went on a weekend trip to Holland (and have another booked, I booked all three at the same time just because I miss Holland) and stayed with him. The first weekend we had sex, I thought why not since we had already. But after that weekend I didn't want to any more since I was starting to find him a bit repulsive. However the second time I stayed he had pulled another girl and was having a one night stand with her so I thought I could avoid having to refuse to sleep with him. But on my last night that girl had already gone home and he said to me as I was lying there in front of the TV, "I'm horny, I want sex" as if he just expected me to go along with it. I pretended I had fallen asleep and so avoided it.

I'm due to return for my last trip this weekend. I really miss Holland and desperately want to go for that reason, also I've already paid for the flight and it would be a waste of money not to use it. I can't afford to stay in a hotel but I seriously don't want to sleep with Johannes. But he has been speaking to me on msn and making suggestive remarks about my upcoming visit. I know you may think I should just not go but I miss Holland so much! I don't know what to do!

I can relate a bit to what your saying OP ,if only because I spent a few years in Hollond myself and have a sister who married a dutchman . They have 3 children and she still lives in Hollond . However , she got divorced about 5 years ago and what struck me was the similarities between your situation and hers .She took the divorce really bad and what made it worse was her husband was having an affair with a good friend of her's for about a year before the seperation / divorce. She eventually went on the dating route and the thing that struck me about a lot of Dutch guys is how up front they are about sex, like it's kind expected on any date with a womon and my sister found herself in that situation were she was being compromised into having sex in order to continue any possible relationship .Now I know over a period of years she dated quite a few guys but I could not (of course) tell you how many she slept with ,if any at all .But she did say that a lot of dutch guys expect this to happen ,willy nilly .The point I am making is that it seems to me like you should not sleep with this guy just for the sake of it .I think that is one arrognant trait I dislike about some Dutchmen .Although some will say men are like that everywere ,the Dutch have them in abundence.

Fact that you find the guy repulsive OP is not the thing imo .Even if he was gods gift ,your still putting yourself out on the cheap .

KyzeR

KyzeR wrote: »

He obviously doesnt have any respect for her because he brought another woman home when she was there and then wanted sex the next day. He is obviouly using her for sexual gains and if she doest want to do this then she doesnt have to.

Do you expect her to have sex with him because she did before... I find anyone that thinks that his behavour is acceptable quite unbelieveable and they should have a good long look at themselves.

You suit yourself girl, this guy is a looser and it will end up that every girl eventually feels like you do and he will repulse everyone. No quicker way to a sexless life then make demands for it.... pathethebrick is on the money with his comment... dont sleep with him again unless YOU want it.

How is this the guy's fault? She made it clear to him she'll provide easy sex, even if she isn't into him or doesn't feel like it. She's still considering sleeping with a guy she finds 'repulsive' so she doesn't have to pay for a hotel. Can you blame this guy for trying his luck? No woman with even an bit of self respect would consider shagging someone they didn't fancy for free accommodation or because they thought 'why not, sure we have already'. This is entirely the OP's own issue.

Lose a few quid on a flight, fork out the money for a hotel or sleep with a guy I find repulsive? It's a serious no-brainer for most people.

LegacyUser

KyzeR wrote: »

He obviously doesnt have any respect for her because he brought another woman home when she was there and then wanted sex the next day. He is obviouly using her for sexual gains and if she doest want to do this then she doesnt have to.

I'm sorry she can't take the moral high-ground when she's prepared to stay in his home and pretend that she likes him simply to get a cheap holiday in Holland. Both parties here are using the other for personal gain.

OP you should really consider finding somewhere else to stay. And if you can't afford the accommodation then cancel the holiday. If you find him repulsive then why would you stay under his roof? You know he has certain expectations just like you expect free accommodation.

How much is a trip to Holland worth to you? No doubt you'll have plenty of opportunities to go there in future under better circumstances.

KyzeR

Guys a lot of you obvioulsy have a lot to learn. I agree that she has got into this trouble herself but she should not feel under pressure to sleep with the guy, and no guy should put her under that pressure.

Personally I'd stay somewhere else or maybe not even go. I never mentioned having a special moment with anyone, I just simply said that sex should not be expected because it happened before be it meaningful or meaningless.

I agree that OP is getting the opportuntity to stay that the guys home but again should this be at the expense of her giving him sex. I am questioning his motives to make a point to her.

Look its up to you OP, I think everyone is making a similar point from very different view points some men are just arrogant as someone else put it and some aren't. As they say on blind date... The decision is yours...

ManOfMystery

What pressure is she under? From what I can gather, he had sex with her (totally willingly) twice, and on the third occasion when he asked she pretended to be tired and he didn't push it. Doesn't sound like the guy is pestering her at all. I also don't see any reference to him explicitly stating that she MUST sleep with him if she's going to stay at his accomodation - she seems to have made this assumption herself.

As already stated, the guy has had sex with her twice so it's only natural that he's going to assume they're having a casual relationship, f**k buddies, whatever. If she doesn't spell out to him what she wants then it's not his fault.

Abi

As Shellyboo said, you've gotten yourself into a silly situation. This guy sees you as a fcuk buddy whenever you are over. Of course he'd want you to stay with him if he wants sex. Seriously, how much does a hostel cost? Having little money is a pretty poor excuse to let this facade continue.

Liam Byrne

ManOfMystery wrote: »

What pressure is she under? From what I can gather, he had sex with her (totally willingly) twice, and on the third occasion when he asked she pretended to be tired and he didn't push it. Doesn't sound like the guy is pestering her at all. I also don't see any reference to him explicitly stating that she MUST sleep with him if she's going to stay at his accomodation - she seems to have made this assumption herself.

As already stated, the guy has had sex with her twice so it's only natural that he's going to assume they're having a casual relationship, f**k buddies, whatever. If she doesn't spell out to him what she wants then it's not his fault.

+1 While he's definitely not worth it if he had a one-nighter in front of her, he's not putting her under pressure; he appears to have accepted it when she "said" no (even though she didn't say it - just pretended to be asleep).

Also, I have a suspicion that if the roles were reversed - if the girl had a one-nighter in front of a guy - the girls on here would be saying that she did it to make him jealous and check his reaction to see they were more than just f/b's....

If it were the first night staying over and it were expected, I'd say he was well out of line.

But it's the third time, so some level of expectation (or at least hope) is understandable.

But the only "pressure" is from the OP herself, because (a) she still wants a free place to stay from a guy she finds repulsive and won't tell him in case she loses the place to stay and (b) hasn't told him that she doesn't want sex - pretending to fall asleep instead.

OP - tell him something along the lines of the truth, and make other arrangements for somewhere to stay if you find him that repulsive.

Miss Fluff

If you don't like him in that way, don't use him for a place to stay under false pretences.

A. Tell him you have started seeing someone so that all MSN banter of a sexual nature is no longer appropriate and that you are NOT interested

B. I'm sure you have other friends based there. Ask to stay with one of them instead

C. If B isn't an option then book yourself into a youth hostel

D. If C isn't an option due to budgetary constraints then don't go

Cake Man

happyoutscan wrote: »

Easy. Say no, get a cheap hostel and enjoy your weekend.

Simple as!:pac:

Dublin_Gunner

This is easy.

1. Remove him from MSN or any other connection like that.
2. a) go to Holland, and stay somewhere else and enjoy it or;
b) give/sell your flight to someone who may want to go and stay at home

Simple

tbh

you're using him for a free place to crash, he's using you for sex. If you don't want one, then forgo the other. Simple really. It's someone saying "I don't want to sell drugs, but I really need the money".

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone, but I think some people are misunderstanding what I'm asking. I am not considering sleeping with him again, I find him really disgusting now, and definitely won't go there. I was just wondering, in light of that, what I should do about the holiday. The other thing is the only people I know there are all his friends so I won't have anyone to hang out with if I don't see him. I was just wondering whether I should go there knowing he may (not definitely) want sex and I'll have to refuse and maybe risk a bad atmosphere. Of course he may have another girl there and not even expect anything of me. The other thing is, he had already invited me to come and stay before we had ever slept together so maybe he didn't even expect anything at first. Well, anyway he expects it now but I'm certainly not going to.

shellyboo

Unregistered135 wrote: »

I was just wondering, in light of that, what I should do about the holiday. The other thing is the only people I know there are all his friends so I won't have anyone to hang out with if I don't see him. I was just wondering whether I should go there knowing he may (not definitely) want sex and I'll have to refuse and maybe risk a bad atmosphere. Of course he may have another girl there and not even expect anything of me. The other thing is, he had already invited me to come and stay before we had ever slept together so maybe he didn't even expect anything at first. Well, anyway he expects it now but I'm certainly not going to.

He wants sex. You will say no. There will be a bad atmosphere.

If you can't handle that, get a hostel. Actually, stop using this bloke for his free gaff and get a hostel anyway.

tbh

is putting yourself in a position where you may be hassled for sex worth a free place to stay in Amsterdam? you're the only one who can answer.

LegacyUser

It's not just the place to stay, it's the people to hang out with. I get on well with his friends but I'm not in contact with them unless I go through him. Well, I'm thinking I won't go after all.

Yddil

why not go, explain to him that your going to be staying in a hostel since you don't think its appropriate still hang out with your mates?! hostels are about 20 quid, its for nothing!!

mayordenis

meh just saying your seeing someone here at the moment.

b28

KyzeR wrote: »

He obviously doesnt have any respect for her because he brought another woman home when she was there and then wanted sex the next day. He is obviouly using her for sexual gains and if she doest want to do this then she doesnt have to.

Isn't it amazing though how hormones influence our decisions and life?
It's not a terrible situation its life!

Just tell him the truth, or don't stay at his place; whether that means cancelling the trip or finding different accomadation so be it"

LegacyUser

So you are using him for his accommodation in exchange for sex? You do realise what that makes you?

LegacyUser

You obviously didn't read the thread fully, I said I am not going to sleep with him again and I never intended to sleep with him again. The times I did sleep with him previously had nothing to do with the accommodation.

Bluefoam

Unregistered135 wrote: »

The times I did sleep with him previously had nothing to do with the accommodation.

Well, you didn't mention food and spending money... are we meant to be mind readers?

Joey the lips

This is daft. You know the answer. You knew the answer before you wrote down your feelings. How can you go! I love holland noting... Save, stay in a hostel. Camp. there is loads of cheap options.

I cant possiblly think what we can say to you!

LegacyUser

youse are giving this girl a hard time. She just happened to sleep witht the guy before. It wasnt planned. Then he was rude in the way he was asking her for sex. Afterwards she realised that she didnt like him and now she is in a situation where she will be in his company again

Abi

Unregistered135 wrote: »

I was just wondering whether I should go there knowing he may (not definitely) want sex and I'll have to refuse and maybe risk a bad atmosphere.

You've allowed the situation, what makes you think he won't want sex this time?

Of course he may have another girl there and not even expect anything of me.

Theres nothing that could justify you staying there with him again, regardless of whether he has someone else there or not. You are using him

The other thing is, he had already invited me to come and stay before we had ever slept together so maybe he didn't even expect anything at first.

Well, anyway he expects it now but I'm certainly not going to.

Oh, it will happen again.