Turned on by being submissive

LegacyUser

I'm not quite sure where this should be posted, but I'm definitely doing it anonymously.

I'm in my mid-30s, in a long-term relationship (over 5 years) and pretty much have the same sexual fantasy which I had when I was a kid. I get turned on by the idea of having a controlling, dominant woman who wants to know where I am, what I'm doing and everything else about me. A woman who wants me to be accountable and obedient to her, always, is what does it. All fantasies revolve around this theme. Before the obvious is said: I'm not turned on by dominatrices or other artificial stuff; neither does any form of sadomasochism/physical pain turn me on. When I was a kid, that wicked woman in Hansel and Grettel who locked Hansel in a cage and made Grettel her servant turned me on. Possibly weird, but that's the way it is.

I've been trying to find out more about the psychology behind this sort of fantasy on the internet (particularly academic papers) but have had no luck whatsoever; all I have found were various dominatrix sites which seem too artificial and ephemeral to appeal to me. Aside from the psychology I'm not sure if this general fantasy is unusual, common, or very common in society. By its very nature there seems to be nobody discussing it. Hence this post looking for other perspectives on it. The other perspectives are needed at this time because my partner would like a change from what is essentially the same old fantasy, and I have been unable (admittedly I haven't tried too hard, viewing my disposition as being part of my nature) to approach the sexual aspect of our relationship outside of this context, a fantasy which I have been very open about this from the start.

All constructive views are appreciated.

shellyboo

Longtimecurious wrote: »

I have been unable (admittedly I haven't tried too hard, viewing my disposition as being part of my nature) to approach the sexual aspect of our relationship outside of this context, a fantasy which I have been very open about this from the start.

All constructive views are appreciated.

Right, leaving aside the nature of your actual fetish, which I think is totally harmless, pretty common and ultimately manageable... you're being a bit selfish here.

Your fantasy is part of your nature, I get that and I fully endorse it. Fetish it up However, it's not a part of your partner's nature. So she's acting out of her nature in order to indulge your fantasy... however you find yourself "unable" to do this for her?

Selfish, OP, very selfish. What I would recommend is that you have a good think about this - you have found a woman who is open enough and understanding enough to not only be ok with your non-standard fantasy, but is prepared to indulge that every time you have sex?! Do you have *any* idea how lucky you are?!?! And you can't make the effort to do things her way once in a while?

You're on very shaky ground here, you're in serious risk of ruining your sex life if you can't make the effort to put your fantasy aside sometimes and focus on what she would like. I'd recommend you sit down with her and discuss it - actually come to an agreement that say, once out of every three times you have sex, you do it her way.

Does that sound reasonable?

Nevyn

There are a lot of resources out there for those who intrested in such things.
There are mailing lists such as bdsmireland@yahoo.com and sites like collar me and fetlife.
All of which have various discussions on the topics you have mentioned and many more
many of which have a lot of submissive males on them with whom you can discuss such things.

A person does not have to be into bondage or S&M to be interested in a D/s relationship but
every couple I do believe should learn to grow together in all aspects of thier lives and
that includes their sexuality and sex life.

I do think every submissive learns a hell of a lot from having the shoe on the other foot
and such experiences mean you have a greater understanding of the effort and complexity of being a Dominant even for a short while. Then are again there are those who would say that I would said that due to personal bias of being a switch. :P

All relationships irregardless of their dynamics or kinks are about compromise and
if you can not even explore possibilities with your partner then it will become a big issue
and there are some which may say it's being selfish.