One night stand advice

LegacyUser

Hi,

I need to go anonymous for this one. I'm a guy in his early twenties and I desperately need advice here. A few days ago I was out at a friends work party and ended up sleeping with a girl my friend works with. This is completely out of character for me. Normally i would need to be dating somebody fairly regular before id contemplate sleeping with them. I'm not going to blame drink or anything else other than to say at the time i wanted to and she did too.
However I know after she told me she really liked me and hoped it wouldnt be a one night stand. I was honest at the time and said that while i would not like to jump into a relationship immediately id prefer to get to know each other slowly suss things out from there. I told her I didnt want a one night stand also. I'd prefer to go back a few steps and do the usual get to know each other proper.
The thing is... we talked for a good bit and then for a day or so after and got on well. But the more ive gotten to know her the more i feel the spark isnt quite there. I've texted a bit , but have avoided arranging a meet up again since. I'm afraid if i meet her and tell her that there isnt a spark there il upset this girl and she might feel used , which she wasnt. She has started to talk real heavy stuff and that freaks me out when im just starting to get to know someone. Its just I wish in hindsight i had spent the time getting to know her before we did it. I think if that happened it could be a friendship we would strike up. She is genuinely a lovely girl and attractive. I dont want to give her false hope either by meeting up with her.
What should I do? Priority here is to make sure this girl doesn't feel used or get hurt. One of my friends (a girl) said that i should avoid texting too much and just avoid organising a meet up and she will 'get the message'. She said it would be fairer than giving her false hope. But I reckon thats a bit cold?

LegacyUser

You have nothing to feel bad over in this situation. You were honest with her and now that you've gotten to know her a little better you are not into her.

I think you just have to tell her that you don't think the chemistry is there. While you had fun on the night etc. you really don't think this could lead to a relationship and since you're not into casual sex that it's best to let it go completely.

Be honest with her. Ignoring her texts in the hopes she'll go away is just rude I think.

P.S. I'm a female, if that makes any difference here.

workaccount

Well you do say that you explained at the time how you felt about the one night stand so she does know that your not some sort of player or fella that hops from girl to girl using them for sex.

I feel that you thought there was hope intially - you wanted to get to know her a bit better and you let her know that also - if she is rational about this and puts these pieces of the jigsaw together I don't think she is going to think you used her.

How do you think she really feels about you at the moment?

SarahSassy

unregistered wrote: »

One of my friends (a girl) said that i should avoid texting too much and just avoid organising a meet up and she will 'get the message'. She said it would be fairer than giving her false hope.

Ah now come on... Not much of a friend if this is how she is telling you to treat women. You were able to communicate enough with her to get into bed with her, have the balls and decency and be a man and tell her you are no longer interested....

Dont ignore her and avoid her to get your point across - thats the actions of a 12 year old. Be a man and deal with the consequences of your actions.

Lollipops23

hmm toughie.
you need to talk to her, explain that you really do like her as a friend and that you really enjoyed being with her that night. explain the not wanting a relationship bit and be as gentle as possible.
She probably should have thought this through before leaping into bed with you; most girls know that sleeping with somone does not equate a relationship....

Taltos

Don't know about you but I just would not feel right with a loose end like that. It might not be a nice conversation - but I think you gotta man-up and talk to the girl.

Just be open and honest with her. Clearly if the spark is not there then there is little point continuing here - and I think she should appreciate not being led on - which by not texting and playing cold you kind-of are.

Let us know how you get on though, hope this works out for the best.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think you're right not to meet up with her if you think the relationship is a no go. You don't want to give her the wrong impression or false hope. It's a delicate matter.

I think it'd be a bit selfish to leave her hanging and just hope that she gets the message. Also she won't have any respect for you if you take this approach!
On the other hand, she will probably be quite hurt and upset if you tell her there's no spark (because SHE might actually feel that there IS a spark)!

I think the best solution all round would be tell her you just want to be friends. Don't mention the "no spark" thing as she might take this as a personal attack (i.e. what's wrong with me? why doesn't he like me? what have i done wrong? etc, etc..). But at least if you say you don't want a relationship right now it won't offend her or imply that SHE is the reason for this. It's letting her down, but in the gentlest of ways

That's what I would do. And still leaves the gateway open for a friendship, maybe.

Good luck with it!

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for the advice. Yeh, the not texting is cold. I wouldn't like it if it was done to me. Thats probably why I wanted a second opinion here.

The thing is... i'm not sure if its just nerves about getting into another relationship or what. This has happened before (well not the sleepin with someone part). But the part where someone shows interest in me, asks me out and i find reasons not to go. The lads slag me the entire time about afraid of getting into another relationship. Had a 4 year serious that broke up over a year ago so I'm a little out of practice at the dating game. TBH i'm fairly self conscious of the fact. And TBH i've tried to avoid it as best as possible. To the point i don't give people a chance (jesus reading this back... i sound like the girl in all this and the roles have been reversed with the girl being the guy... get a grip like!)
I know i'm back tracking here but I'm honestly not sure what i make of this girl, and i don't think i'm gonna find out for sure what i think unless i meet her. Either way i reckon its the right thing to do and see how things go. So i'm going to invite her to go for a walk, coffee, cinema or whatnot and just see how i get on. I figure if there is no spark, i'l just say i would prefer to be friends. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
i'll keep yee posted.

LegacyUser

Wow, you seem like a very decent guy. I know a number of lads who would have fed her any line after and then ignored any future contact. In my opinion you didn't know her before the one night stand, you do now and the spark isn't there so what can you do but break it off?

She shouldn't have been expecting much, it was a one night stand (and I'm saying that as a female). Rarely a starting point for a lasting relationship.

Try not to get too worked up about it.

Good-girl

Good-girl wrote: »

On the other hand, she will probably be quite hurt and upset if you tell her there's no spark (because SHE might actually feel that there IS a spark)!

I think the best solution all round would be tell her you just want to be friends. Don't mention the "no spark" thing as she might take this as a personal attack (i.e. what's wrong with me? why doesn't he like me? what have i done wrong? etc, etc..). But at least if you say you don't want a relationship right now it won't offend her or imply that SHE is the reason for this. It's letting her down, but in the gentlest of ways

That's what I would do. And still leaves the gateway open for a friendship, maybe.

Good luck with it!

I disagree with this. No spark is a definitive answer. It isnt going to change ever.
Side steping the issue, would lead me to be imagining much worse.

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

Either way i reckon its the right thing to do and see how things go. So i'm going to invite her to go for a walk, coffee, cinema or whatnot and just see how i get on. I figure if there is no spark, i'l just say i would prefer to be friends. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
i'll keep yee posted.

Do this,the "spark"you thought was there might still be but just got lost in the texting.

If it doesn't work she'll understand why it isn't working and she won't end up upset that it didn't work because she slept with you too soon.