Boyfriend is over ex.

LegacyUser

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that my boyfriend of 7 months isn't over his ex. I feel like she's entangled in our relationship (though she's in another country) as hardly a week goes by and she's not mentioned. He's very bitter towards her, badmouths her & I feel it's affecting our relationship and how he approaches it.
I'm coming to the conclusion that he's not accepted it is over and doesn't take any blame himself. I'm getting fed up at this stage & told him he needs to get rid of anything he has belonging to her and move on. Why would you keep contact with someone who you are so bitter towards & had such a terrible time with?

Does this sound like he's not dealt with it? Am sick of hearing about her and he knows it but what else can you do.

star-pants

sounds like he still has a lot of issues surrounding her. I never really mention an ex when I'm with someone new, because they're usually out of my head.

Bringing her up all the time and is there a lot of stuff belonging to her around?

I'd sit him down and gently explain that you feel that she's a third person in your relationship, that she's always coming up in his conversation and it's making you feel bad. See what he has to say.

LegacyUser

Not a lot, some clothing. You would only notice if he pointed it out but you get the 'she picked the colour of walls, duvet, that piece of furniture'. He has pics she needed on his pc and he was rushing to them email her yet neglected to remember that I have exams coming up. Talk about priorities out of wack. Sometimes I feel his energies are all over the place. It's a raw subject because he forgot my exams but didn't forget about her needs. I know it wasn't deliberate.

Afraid I did say it too him but it wasn't gentle - straight to the point. He doesn't like serious conversations, he turns his back to me which is very childish IMO. It's frustrating. I'm sure it will pass with time as things things tend to. It's not an easy relationship

Silverfish

OP, did you also post this thread?

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055567742

LegacyUser

Yes, got no response so I thought I would narrow it down. The ex girlfriend is part of it. Maybe you could give an opinion on the ex thing, it's unfamiliar territory to me. My bf is not easy to get on with at times and I wonder is it worth it. It's not deliberate but that doesn't help

CathyMoran

I think that you should let him go until and if he gets over her, it is too complicated at the moment with the three of you in the relationship. I knew of a case where a couple broke up rather badly but stayed in contact much to their new partners unhappiness...they could not stay apart and are now married.

LegacyUser

He says he has no interest in her but yet she crops up all the time - even if just very negative vibes. Makes me wonder if he cannot see his part to play in the break up is it indicative of why he sees he's not culpable of thing in our relationship.
He's told me that his friends afterwards told him they were happy for him to be out - she was not for him. He didn't believe it during the relationship so he does he believe it now.
I find it distasteful the things he says about her. I just wish he wouldn't. Don't know what it means but why be so horrid and mention her at all if she's in past. This man holds on to all his past. She's not the only one I've heard plenty about. Maybe he's using me as a therapist - maybe it will stop at her, the last !!

pookie82

If there's one thing I know it's this - a guy who begins (and continues) a relationship vehemently and frequently dissing his ex has brought baggage. Whether or not it will fade, or the new relationship will overcome his bitterness is something to consider, but you need to be aware of what you're getting into. This guy sounds like he's still completely emotionally entangled with her and she's clearly still part of his thoughts all of the time. if I were you I'd get out and I wouldn't look back. 7 months is not that long a time that you'll have wasted years.

I learned that the hard way.

CathyMoran

Unregistered wrote: »

He says he has no interest in her but yet she crops up all the time - even if just very negative vibes. Makes me wonder if he cannot see his part to play in the break up is it indicative of why he sees he's not culpable of thing in our relationship.
He's told me that his friends afterwards told him they were happy for him to be out - she was not for him. He didn't believe it during the relationship so he does he believe it now.
I find it distasteful the things he says about her. I just wish he wouldn't. Don't know what it means but why be so horrid and mention her at all if she's in past. This man holds on to all his past. She's not the only one I've heard plenty about. Maybe he's using me as a therapist - maybe it will stop at her, the last !!

Sounds a bit too familiar for me - if he disliked her that much then why are they in contact? It sounds like they have a lot of unfinished business there - yes, you could loose him if you let him sort his life out but have you not already lost him at the moment?

If he is badmouthing her so much who is to say that he could not do the same if and when you break up?

pookie82

CathyMoran wrote: »

If he is badmouthing her so much who is to say that he could not do the same if and when you break up?

That's a really good point. You have to wonder what will potentially be said about you behind your back if he's capable of saying things about her that shock and upset you. I would seriously consider getting out now while you still can with reasonably little mess.

CathyMoran

pookie82 wrote: »

That's a really good point. You have to wonder what will potentially be said about you behind your back if he's capable of saying things about her that shock and upset you. I would seriously consider getting out now while you still can with reasonably little mess.

Unfortunatly I know this all too well...he may get over her but if there is that much between them they are just as likely to get back...

LegacyUser

No he's not badmouthing me & if I break up and he does sure what will I know about it or care. To me it shows a bitterness & having not moved on - I see him comparing me to her when I'm upset or have a cry and so on. It must have had a big affect on him even if only lasted a year or so. I know he had wanted to marry her - yet now she's the bitch from hell. If he doesn't find a way of letting go it will continue to impact on the future. Maybe a little more time will help? I told him he needs to move and on and get rid of anything he has of her. I've been shown her photos, where she worked etc. etc. I thought it would pass but it hasn't yet, he's not dealt with his past pain & he needs to get it out of his system.

pookie82

Unregistered wrote: »

I've been shown her photos, where she worked etc. etc. I thought it would pass but it hasn't yet, he's not dealt with his past pain & he needs to get it out of his system.

Sorry OP, but read this again. You've answered your own question there.

If you're willing to stick with it in the hope you can replace her and come first eventually then go for it. But there's a lot of hard work ahead if that's what you intend. Would you not prefer to find somone with relatively less baggage (very few people out there with none at all!!) and start afresh??

Relationships are hard enough without this beginning!!!

CathyMoran

He sounds obsessed with her - OP, if it is OK to ask, how long after their break up did the two of you start to date?

LegacyUser

About 7-8 months, not sure. I've just had it out with him online, we never chat online. As usual after a short bit he said he doesn't want to talk about it (never wants to have serious chats) but I said what I wanted to say. He breathed life in to her and brought her in to our relationship. He says he was treated like crap, but so was I but I dealt with it. He said he can't see how it is affecting our relationship. I wonder where I fit in to all this.

CathyMoran

Unregistered wrote: »

About 7-8 months, not sure. I've just had it out with him online, we never chat online. As usual after a short bit he said he doesn't want to talk about it (never wants to have serious chats) but I said what I wanted to say. He breathed life in to her and brought her in to our relationship. He says he was treated like crap, but so was I but I dealt with it. He said he can't see how it is affecting our relationship. I wonder where I fit in to all this.

The reason why I asked is because it could be a rebound situation? Though he should be over her after that length of time. Are you sure of the timeline? Why did she move to the other county? Is that why they split - is there any chance that they could reconcile? These are questions that you at least need to know the answers to, be honest with yourself as well.

If he is chatting online is that not an easier way to lie? You can not judge his reaction that way.

I really do not see where you fit into all of that at the moment, sorry.

Nobody likes to walk away but if nothing else he needs his freedom at the moment - the old clichee of if you need somebody set them free, if they are really yours they will come back - appears to be true here.

LegacyUser

She was foreign, they met abroad, she came here & then went back. I don't think there is any chance of them getting back together, that's not the issue. I'm busy at moment so I won't be able to see him next weekend and at this stage I don't mind. Think he needs to go off and spend a week or two alone and reflect. He says he doesn't know how to deal with it, I've made suggestions in past but it's up to him to go ahead. I know it can be painful to face things but bitterness only eats us up inside and destroys all around you. I've travelled a long journey and perhaps he talks to me as he knows I have good insight and am balanced - but we all have our limits

CathyMoran

Unregistered wrote: »

She was foreign, they met abroad, she came here & then went back. I don't think there is any chance of them getting back together, that's not the issue. I'm busy at moment so I won't be able to see him next weekend and at this stage I don't mind. Think he needs to go off and spend a week or two alone and reflect. He says he doesn't know how to deal with it, I've made suggestions in past but it's up to him to go ahead. I know it can be painful to face things but bitterness only eats us up inside and destroys all around you. I've travelled a long journey and perhaps he talks to me as he knows I have good insight and am balanced - but we all have our limits

Sorry, maybe I took it up wrong - I still do think that he seems to be a handful with a lot of issues in what is still a relatively new relationship - would you not be better to let him free? You do not owe it to him to be his therapist and he needs to treat you better - you need to think of those exams (if they are not already over) and he should have been thinking of them also...it does not bode well for the future (sorry).

Certainly this time apart may be good for you, if nothing else he may get to clear his head of her, though you could just as easily clear your head of him?

LegacyUser

It hasn't boded well from the start. I brought plenty baggage to it as well, the type you can't leave behind. We seem to keep coming back for more though for some reason but he's constantly expecting me to dump him I think! He knows what he can be like and he knows I won't stay around forever. I felt very let down by his this weekend, these exams are important to me, not even offered to make me a cup of tea. Very self absorbed, even go a 'tis well for you' when I said I couldn't get to phone as I was in the bath. Like should he not be glad I had time for a relaxing bath ffs considering all I'm doing is studying. Exams this week so I should go Sure a weekend apart will do no harm.

SarahSassy

OP, the bottom line is that whether or not he is over her, he is not in the correct head space to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone.

He has not left his past relationship (s) behind and IMHO this is obligatory if you are to build strong foundations in a new relationship.

You are not happy as things are, its early days and he also sounds very bitter and miserable. Why not let him off and let him come back to you if he gets his **** together. Relationships are hard enough over the years without a start like this....

Wibbs

When there are three people in a relationship, one always ends up suffering.