Girlfriend seems to be shunning me

LegacyUser

I met my current girlfriend when we were 16. I had a girlfriend then but we both liked this girl and made friends with her. She was so gorgeous I fancied her from the first time I saw her but obviously couldn't go there cos I had a gf. But we hung out with this girl and I liked her more and more the more I got to know her. I got to know that she was a very trustworthy person and very nice and fun. Anyway, when we were 20 my girlfriend dumped me and I got with this girl I had fancied for so long. Let's call her Anne. She lost her virginity to me, which made it even more special. We had fun, lots of kinky sex travelled together and have had a good relationship. The only 2 minor problems were that I knew she hated smoke and so when I was trying to pull her I told her I would quit smoking. I knew she wouldn't go out with me otherwise. I still haven't quit and I know she feels uncomfortable hanging out with me because of this (she had cancer in the past and is paranoid about being near smoke because of this.) She keeps asking me when I'm going to quit and it's been getting annoying. I don't even want to quit actually. The other thing was that all of her friends had just moved away to uni when we got together and mine hadn't so she had alot of spare time and wanted to spend more time with me than I did with her. Despite this I really love and want to marry her one day.


We've been together 18 months now and things have really changed. She no longer seems upset when I have commitments and can't hang out with her, in fact she seems happy when I am busy and disappointed when I say I will hang out with her. She encourages me to spend more time with my friends than with her now. She often makes excuses why she can't hang out with me, even rubbish excuses like she wants to go to the gym. She only has a part time job, she could go to the gym while I'm at work, she doesn't need to go when I'm free to see her. She has also started going away for weekends to stay with her old mates in their university towns. Worst of all, she NEVER wants to have sex now. She was very keen previously, but lately always has an excuse. Sometimes when I reach for her she actually cringes! She has had sex with me a few times that I know she didn't want to she just did it to shut me up and she seemed upset afterwards. I know that for years she has had a vague dream to live in Spain one day, but now she is actually saying that she's going to try and move there soon. She's been looking on the internet for jobs in Spain. When I say I'm not ready to move there yet, she says she'll go without me! She has also mentioned that she really wants to go to university. I told her I don't want her to go because she'll have to live away for part of the year but she thinks she's missing out by not going. Also, any time I mention marriage or us moving in together to her, she finds rubbish excuses to put me off. For example she says why would she get a flat with me when she can live with her parents for free? So I said why don't I move in to her parents house as well then we can be together. She looked horrified by the idea and said no.

Her birthday was last week. Every year she wants to do the same thing, go to a very expensive nightclub a few towns away. None of her old friends could make it because they have exams. Me and my girl used to do alot of drugs, mainly E and shrooms (plus I smoke weed which she hates) but now she doesn't want to do drugs any more, ever! She saus she has grown out of it. I told her that I would not go to the club with her unless we were taking E. She said I could do it but she would rather just stay sober. Obviously I refused to go with her unless she would do it too, I mean what would be the point! Ordinarily she would have just gone along with it but this time she cancelled the whole thing and went away without me to spend her birthday with her friend who is at a university 2 hours away. She has really changed. The other day when she refused sex I asked, "are you trying to get me to dump you?" And she refused to answer. I just don't know what to do any more. I know she would be happier if I quit smoking but I really can't. I know it's not sex she's gone off, only sex with me. I know this because she has booked a girl's only holiday to Spain with 2 friends that they're due to go on in 4 months time, and I overheard them giggling about all the "hot Spanish guys" that will be there. Even worse, she says she is going to meet someone for a job interview while she's there! What can I do? Every week she hangs out with me less and less, and any time I manage to convince her to have sex she lies there stiff and cringing. I don't want to lose her though, I love her and want to marry her! What can I do?

star-pants

Well from reading this, you guys got together, she'd not been with anyone else. You were her first boyfriend, and you said you'd change. (re the smoking)
You didn't and have no intention of it, her friends moved away and you begrudged that she wanted to spend more time with you.

So basically she's not waiting anymore, you've not changed and she wants more out of her relationship. She's grown and changed.

EDIT -- how did I miss the part about the drugs? Sorry, stupid eyesight. She wants to stop and you don't, so you're refusing to go out with her unless she joins in the drug taking? That's REALLY unfair and stupid. I reiterate my point of she's grown and changed and you haven't and don't want to. So that's the problem between ye.

shellyboo

worriedbloke wrote: »

Me and my girl used to do alot of drugs, mainly E and shrooms (plus I smoke weed which she hates) but now she doesn't want to do drugs any more, ever! She saus she has grown out of it.

She's obviously grown out of you, too. And I'm not surprised, considering this is your attitude to going out:

worriedbloke wrote: »

I told her that I would not go to the club with her unless we were taking E. She said I could do it but she would rather just stay sober. Obviously I refused to go with her unless she would do it too, I mean what would be the point!

Really mature and attractive additude there.

Also, if you're intending to marry someone, you make compromises for them. You promsied her you'd stop smoking, you haven't and have no intention to. Same with drugs, it seems. You're putting drugs ahead of your relationship with her - can you blame her for being distant? If you can't even contemplate giving up recreational drugs for this woman, you're certainly not ready to marry her.

I have no idea if it the reason she's distant is because of the drugs - but it seems she's growing up and moving on. There's nothing you can do to stop that. She wants different things to you.

LegacyUser

worriedbloke wrote: »

she hated smoke and so when I was trying to pull her I told her I would quit smoking

She keeps asking me when I'm going to quit and it's been getting annoying. I don't even want to quit actually.

You lied to her and get annoyed when she calls you on the lies

worriedbloke wrote: »

she had alot of spare time and wanted to spend more time with me than I did with her.

Despite this I really love and want to marry her one day.

so you thought there was something wrong with her wanting to spend time with you

worriedbloke wrote: »

wants to go to university. I told her I don't want her to go because she'll have to live away for part of the year but she thinks she's missing out by not going.

You are holding her back from her dreams

worriedbloke wrote: »

So I said why don't I move in to her parents house as well then we can be together. She looked horrified by the idea and said no.

no suprise

worriedbloke wrote: »

I told her that I would not go to the club with her unless we were taking E. She said I could do it but she would rather just stay sober. Obviously I refused to go with her unless she would do it too,

crazy

worriedbloke wrote: »

What can I do?

Are you for real, this girl has outgrown you, she is gone and there is nothing you can do

Rebelheart

Give up cigarettes. It's just silly. You have to be smarter than that. And it stinks. I wouldn't like my sister going out with a guy smelling that bad, and who would not be around to look after her and their children.

18 months is big if you're around 18 years old. But in the big scheme of things, it's just another part of your life. Its significance fades: trust me it fades.

I know a guy who was going with a girl for 10 years by the time they got married. She was his only love, as he was hers. Now, he finds himself wanted by women around him in his workplace and is kicking himself that he never was with anybody else before he got married.

StormWarrior

You say you love her but you are clearly just using her. Having sex with her when you know she is cringing while you do it, and you have pressured her into it? Refusing to celebrate her birthday the way she'd like, insisting that it gets done your way instead? Nice boyfriend you are.

the_syco

Let me get this straight: she doesn't like you smoking, so the relationship was based on the lie of you giving it up... you smoke weed, even though you know she hates it, you takes drugs even though she's stopped using them... and then wonder why she's ignoring you?

I see her dumping you unless you get your act together, get off the smokes, and stop acting the tool regarding the "take drugs or I don't socialise with you" bullsh|t.

Metacortex

Sounds like she wants different things to you. Honestly if she wants to move to Spain to make something of herself, you shouldn't stand in her way and try to guilt her. I had an ex do this to me, guilted me into staying close to him and not doing what I wanted, I didn't, biggest mistake of my life and I'll be honest, I do resent him for it.

I told her that I would not go to the club with her unless we were taking E. She said I could do it but she would rather just stay sober. Obviously I refused to go with her unless she would do it too

I still haven't quit and I know she feels uncomfortable hanging out with me because of this (she had cancer in the past and is paranoid about being near smoke because of this.)

Both of these things ring alarm bells for me. She had cancer and you can't even try to quit?
If you love someone, you are willing to at least compromise and you seem to have a really bad attitude.

Edit on reading your post again: Your attitude isn't bad, its disgusting and immature.

Faith

worriedbloke wrote: »

She only has a part time job, she could go to the gym while I'm at work, she doesn't need to go when I'm free to see her. She has also started going away for weekends to stay with her old mates in their university towns. Worst of all, she NEVER wants to have sex now. She was very keen previously, but lately always has an excuse. Sometimes when I reach for her she actually cringes! ... When I say I'm not ready to move there yet, she says she'll go without me! She has also mentioned that she really wants to go to university. I told her I don't want her to go because she'll have to live away for part of the year but she thinks she's missing out by not going. Also, any time I mention marriage or us moving in together to her, she finds rubbish excuses to put me off. For example she says why would she get a flat with me when she can live with her parents for free? So I said why don't I move in to her parents house as well then we can be together. She looked horrified by the idea and said no.
I told her that I would not go to the club with her unless we were taking E. She said I could do it but she would rather just stay sober. Obviously I refused to go with her unless she would do it too, I mean what would be the point! ?

You officially sound like the most controlling person I've ever heard of. She can't do anything without your permission, right? She should go to the gym when you tell her to, not go to Spain because you don't want to, move in with you because you told her to, not go to University because you don't want her to, take drugs because you want her to.

Do her a favour and finish it, allow her to find somebody who'll actually treat her well and allow her be her own person.

LegacyUser

Look, maybe I didn't write my side very well, I made her sound all good and me sound all bad. But she has also not always put me first. I mean, I found out that she has 6000 euros in a savings account! She knows I have 4000 worth of credit card debt. When I found out about her savings I asked her to lend me 4000 and I would pay her back about 100 or 200 a month but she said no! If it was the other way round I'd have lent her the money.

CDfm

worriedbloke wrote: »

Look, maybe I didn't write my side very well, I made her sound all good and me sound all bad. But she has also not always put me first. I mean, I found out that she has 6000 euros in a savings account! She knows I have 4000 worth of credit card debt. When I found out about her savings I asked her to lend me 4000 and I would pay her back about 100 or 200 a month but she said no! If it was the other way round I'd have lent her the money.

You are not married an even if you were it would still be her money.

Maybe if you stopped the weed smoking etc you could tackle your debt:pac:

Seriuosly -if you love the girl pick up on the signals she is giving you.

Smoking ciggerettes is one thing and these are difficult to quit but all the rest too.

Maybe you want to continue living like that whichis ok and you should probably hook up with someone like that or adjust to the new reality.

Faith

worriedbloke wrote: »

Look, maybe I didn't write my side very well, I made her sound all good and me sound all bad. But she has also not always put me first. I mean, I found out that she has 6000 euros in a savings account! She knows I have 4000 worth of credit card debt. When I found out about her savings I asked her to lend me 4000 and I would pay her back about 100 or 200 a month but she said no! If it was the other way round I'd have lent her the money.

Why don't you pay €100 or €200 towards your credit card debt each month? If you've run up a debt of €4000 that you can't or won't pay back, you don't sound like a safe person to be lending money to.

shellyboo

worriedbloke wrote: »

Look, maybe I didn't write my side very well, I made her sound all good and me sound all bad. But she has also not always put me first. I mean, I found out that she has 6000 euros in a savings account! She knows I have 4000 worth of credit card debt. When I found out about her savings I asked her to lend me 4000 and I would pay her back about 100 or 200 a month but she said no! If it was the other way round I'd have lent her the money.

Oh dear.

Not only do you not have the right to tell her how to celebrate her birthday, or tell her that she MUST take drugs in order to socialise with you, you also do not have the right to borrow her money. That's HER money. She can do what she likes with it.

And if you can afford to pay off 200 a month to her, why not pay 200 a month off to the credit card people? Every single card company out there is doing 6 months/12 months no interest on balance transfers, keep shifting the debt round til it's cleared.

Her refusing to lend you the money is just further evidence that she's grown up and you have not.

Also - I never said you should put her first over YOURSELF. I said you should put her first over recreational drugs. HUGE, massive difference.

Liam Byrne

worriedbloke wrote: »

Obviously I refused to go with her unless she would do it too, I mean what would be the point!

The problem is the word "obviously" in the above sentence. Trying to force someone to do something that they don't want to do is a complete no-no. And trying to force someone who's copped themselves on and has gotten off hard drugs is even worse.

worriedbloke wrote: »

Ordinarily she would have just gone along with it but this time she cancelled the whole thing and went away without me to spend her birthday with her friend who is at a university 2 hours away.

Let's get this straight - it was her birthday ? While she's obviously entitled to spend her time avoiding stuff she no longer likes and spending it doing things she does like, she's DEFINITELY entitled to do that on her birthday!

She's not in the wrong here - you are.

And if she wants to leave you as a result, then it's pretty obvious to see why....

Liam Byrne

worriedbloke wrote: »

Look, maybe I didn't write my side very well, I made her sound all good and me sound all bad.

Fair enough - let's hear the new and improved version that makes you look better

worriedbloke wrote: »

But she has also not always put me first. I mean, I found out that she has 6000 euros in a savings account! She knows I have 4000 worth of credit card debt. When I found out about her savings I asked her to lend me 4000 and I would pay her back about 100 or 200 a month

Still waiting.....



For the record, she might even be doing you a favour; giving a drug addict money and allowing them a cop-out re responsibilities would probably make matters worse. I definitely wouldn't give a drug addict any more money, regardless of how much I cared about them.

As stated above, there is ONE solution to EVERYTHING:

Stop doing drugs and pay off your debts. That way you - maybe - get to keep her (assuming you haven't ruined what ye had already) and you'll get to have a life with some money.

Then, stop being so controlling as if you're the centre of the universe and everything she does has to be on your terms.

LegacyUser

Oh my god, that just makes you sound even worse, I'm with my boyfriend 5years an I wouldn't pay off his debts for him, if your big enough to take out a loan, your big enough to pay it back!

She sounds like she wants to make something of her life and explore new things an all you want her to do is stay at home an marry you, oh, an take drugs. Ya an that whole you forcin her into sex thing......thats rape! If you love someone how can you lie to them to get with them in the 1st place, then try to force them to take drugs, force them to have sex with you and bully them into doing what you and only you want!

The reason you dont want her going away and going to see her friends is because your afraid of losing her and you already have! You'd want to cop on and stop takin drugs, sort out your debts and work on your control issues.

Hold on, y would she move in with you when your already in debt?If you cant pay the bills you already have then you definitely wont be able to manage anymore.

I'm really glad this girl has seen the light, an I wish her all the best in her future....once she manages to get over the final hurdle!

gimme5minutes

worriedbloke wrote: »

Look, maybe I didn't write my side very well, I made her sound all good and me sound all bad. But she has also not always put me first. I mean, I found out that she has 6000 euros in a savings account! She knows I have 4000 worth of credit card debt. When I found out about her savings I asked her to lend me 4000 and I would pay her back about 100 or 200 a month but she said no! If it was the other way round I'd have lent her the money.

you were going alright til this, now its just obvious you're trolling.

Metacortex

worriedbloke wrote: »

Look, maybe I didn't write my side very well, I made her sound all good and me sound all bad. But she has also not always put me first. I mean, I found out that she has 6000 euros in a savings account! She knows I have 4000 worth of credit card debt. When I found out about her savings I asked her to lend me 4000 and I would pay her back about 100 or 200 a month but she said no! If it was the other way round I'd have lent her the money.

Unbelievable.

Its HER money, you don't seem to treat her very well by the sound of it so I have no doubt if you got the money, she would never see a penny of it again.

You can't even try to quit smoking for her and thats a small thing, I have serious doubts if it was the other way around, you would lend her the money.

LegacyUser

You people just do not understand it is not easy to quit smoking or give up a life you enjoy. And no I am not trolling. I have phoned her and told her we need to talk tonight. She agreed to see me, which is a good sign at least. I just need a little bit more time to quit the drugs and smoking but I WILL do it eventually.

Zaph

gimme5minutes wrote: »

you were going alright til this, now its just obvious you're trolling.

I suggest you read the sticky dealing with calling people trolls before you post in PI again. Next time you do it you'll earn yourself a ban.

star-pants

worriedbloke wrote: »

She keeps asking me when I'm going to quit and it's been getting annoying. I don't even want to quit actually. The other thing was that all of her friends had just moved away to uni when we got together and mine hadn't so she had alot of spare time and wanted to spend more time with me than I did with her. Despite this I really love and want to marry her one day.

She has also mentioned that she really wants to go to university. I told her I don't want her to go because she'll have to live away for part of the year but she thinks she's missing out by not going.

I told her that I would not go to the club with her unless we were taking E. She said I could do it but she would rather just stay sober. Obviously I refused to go with her unless she would do it too, I mean what would be the point! Ordinarily she would have just gone along with it but this time she cancelled the whole thing and went away without me to spend her birthday with her friend who is at a university 2 hours away.

worriedbloke wrote: »

I mean, I found out that she has 6000 euros in a savings account! She knows I have 4000 worth of credit card debt. When I found out about her savings I asked her to lend me 4000 and I would pay her back about 100 or 200 a month but she said no! If it was the other way round I'd have lent her the money.

worriedbloke wrote: »

You people just do not understand it is not easy to quit smoking or give up a life you enjoy. I just need a little bit more time to quit the drugs and smoking but I WILL do it eventually.

OP please read what I've quoted there, and the embolden parts and tell me you feel you're still in the right.
-You say you told her you'd quit, 2 years later you haven't and say you don't even want to

-You love her despite the fact she wants to spend more time with you than you do??

-You wanted her to do drugs or else 'what's the point' and so you got annoyed when she said no and decided to go have fun on her birthday?

-*she* has savings, and you expected her to lend you 4k straight out? Would your parents lend you this? I know mine have lent me 2k before but that's because I've never run up debts and am rather trustworthy with money. If you can pay her a few hundred a month, then you can pay off your debts a few hundred a month.

-'Us people' do understand you can't give up cold turkey, the thing is, you have to WANT to quit. And you said yourself you don't want to quit smoking or the drugs or the great lifestyle you have.
So you two will never be compatible, not when you won't even try to compromise. She lived your lifestyle and grew out of it. Asked you to try and do the same and you won't, you have childish reactions to what she wants in life and seem to be only thinking of yourself. Why should she bow to your will when you won't even meet her halfway?

ManOfMystery

I'm afraid I agree with gimme5minutes, this is obviously a wind-up. I wish people using PI would take it seriously, there are some people on here with very serious issues.

Nevyn

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Thaedydal

LegacyUser

The last thing the poor lad needs is moralising and pointless moral judgements by people who should know better. Lay off him, go somewhere else if you feel the need to judge people. It's not "advice", it's unhelpful.

To the OP, I'm sorry dude but it sounds like it's finished and there is no way back. It's hard to take but it's best to make a clean break. It happens with teenage relationships that reach their end in the college years. It seems like a massive thing now but I guarantee that in a few months you'll be fine if you accept it's over and if you make a clean break from it.

Lay off the drugs too, if you want to do drugs do them rarely, make it about quality not quantity.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

worriedbloke wrote: »

She has had sex with me a few times that I know she didn't want to she just did it to shut me up and she seemed upset afterwards.

Every week she hangs out with me less and less, and any time I manage to convince her to have sex she lies there stiff and cringing.

That is no way to be treating someone you're supposed to love. She's upset and you're just after your hole?

If you actually want the relationship to survive, stop thinking about what you want and start trying to make her happy. From your post it sounds like you can't be bothered doing the slightest thing for her.

the_syco

sssss12121 wrote: »

To the OP, I'm sorry dude but it sounds like it's finished and there is no way back. It's hard to take but it's best to make a clean break. It happens with teenage relationships that reach their end in the college years. It seems like a massive thing now but I guarantee that in a few months you'll be fine if you accept it's over and if you make a clean break from it.

The dude doesn't seem to know why she's shunning him, so we're telling him. Hopefully, if he gets a girl again, he'll know what not to do.

LegacyUser

Well I guess you will all be pleased to know what happened last night. As soon as I arrived at her house I sat down and started to take my boots off and she said, "No you don't need to do that, this won't take long." I said what won't? She just came right out with, "This isn't working is it? I think we should take a break." I said something like this is working! I promised I would quit smoking if I could just have a bit more time but she said she doesn't believe me and that no matter what I do, even if I suddenly became the perfect boyfriend, it's too late and she doesn't want to be with me! I said I thought this was just a break and she said she was just trying to make this easier when she said that but I should know that of course it's over and she doesn't want me to contact her any more! I said don't you love me any more and she just right out said no! I suggested that we have break-up sex, one last time for old time's sake but she got angry and screamed NO! I was so upset, I really do love her. I started crying and ran into the bathroom because I didn't want her seeing me like that, but she cold-heartedly came into the bathroom and said, "I think you should just go."

I left then, and this morning I sent her a text asking if she's ok, but she hasn't replied! She always replies to texts very quickly and I know she gets up early so she must have got it. I just don't know what to do.

reprazant

While I believe you are a WUM, if you are not, well done her.

But I reckon this is all just a load af crap and you are trolling.

Nobody is that much of an idiot.

shellyboo

worriedbloke wrote: »

I suggested that we have break-up sex, one last time for old time's sake but she got angry and screamed NO

Wow. Just... wow.

OP, that's so out of order I don't even know where to begin. You obviously have no idea how self-centred you are.

Liam Byrne

worriedbloke wrote: »

I said don't you love me any more and she just right out said no!

Perfectly understandable, given the content of previous posts.

worriedbloke wrote: »

I suggested that we have break-up sex, one last time for old time's sake but she got angry and screamed NO!

Even more understandable now.

OP - whatever about the drugs problem that you have (which has obviously had an impact and would get you some level of support) your comments and your attitude to her are woeful; if someone she didn't know spoke to her like that then she'd walk away and never speak to them again.

The fact that you were her boyfriend gave you some leeway and some chance to change, but judging by the above you haven't.

Look, no-one's perfect, and we all step on each other's toes from time to time, and upset each other.

But relationships involve another step.....the person who got upset needs to say why, they need to make sure they're not over-reacting, AND/OR the person who upset them needs to learn from the issue and stop doing it.....if you meet in the middle you're fine.

And if you don't then you're not compatible and go your separate ways; it wouldn't be anyone's fault.

But having said all that I have to say that the things you've said to her go WAY beyond anything that I would view as acceptable and there is absolutely no hope for this relationship; there's no point, either, since she's not happy (understandably) and you'd prefer to go to a club and do drugs than be with her (which means you're not happy).

But whatever about the drug problem, the attitude wil need to change......high-maintenance, needy, attention-seeking women are one thing, but your former girlfriend wasn't even getting basic respect and courtesy from you.

If that's down to drugs, best of luck getting off them; if it's down to just attitude, you'll need to change.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

worriedbloke wrote: »

I suggested that we have break-up sex, one last time for old time's sake

can i get a post of the day over here?

Nevyn

No but what you can get is a weeks ban from this forum for offtopic and unhelpful posting.

Nervous Wreck

worriedbloke wrote: »

I left then, and this morning I sent her a text asking if she's ok, but she hasn't replied!

Yeah... because....

worriedbloke wrote: »

it's over and she doesn't want me to contact her any more

Well done to her. You sound like a terrible boyfriend. Next time you're in a relationship try being more considerate and less controlling. Less intense also.

Sharlovesjohn

worriedbloke wrote: »

I just don't know what to do.

You knew what you had to do but instead out came excuses if you really loved her enough she would have came first in everything


have to say thanks tho
i thought my boyfriend was an assh*le but you just proved he is one of the good ones!! :rolleyes: