Critical Negative voices......

LegacyUser

Can anyone help/identify......

My head is a difficult place to be. I am not sure if it is because of my upbringing or because my own nature is over sensitive.

I am a very shy person, I can talk to anyone on a superficical level no problem. But I am dogged by feelings of inadequacy. In my head is a constant negative narrative. Things people have said in arguments from years ago or even throwaway comments run on a loop in my head and even build into other things.

The critical voices in my head have been a feature since I was young and I am no longer young now. I came from a family where females were negated and my Mother although kind was in a horrendous marriage and from age 3 or 4 she confided her hopeless misery in detail to me. She was also perfectionistic and could attack if a foot was put out of place.

Loads more went on but my siblings dont see/report any of this. So it was always projected back onto me that I was a troublemaker/overdramatic/oversensitive.

But from an early age I knew too much about adult problems and was very fearful and I guess depressed about the hopeless situation of my mother.

Anyway, sh!t happens....that was all years ago. I managed to fumble through life starting off with so many talents and promise. All the talents I had goign for me were negated by my Mother mainly. Times were tough and being good at impractical things was not encouraged.

Ho hum, life progressed and I managed to get an office job and keep it. I had a lot of downs due to outside circumstances, ended up with drug and drink problems trying to blot it all out.

The reaction of my family was that I was selfish and wasteful of my talents and sobriety. But this is the family that told me I was worthlesss in the first place. When I look back on some of the stuff that I took from them years ago that I listened to and tried to take on board to become better I can see it was wrong. But they knew no better...

I put on a lighthearted outer shell to the world and I have always tried to disguise my loserness from my family so as not to bring shame on them or interfere with their lives in any way. But I was still called selfish when it became all to obvious a few years ago I was not coping.

Anyway, the problems were mine to solve and though I am doing better now I am still paralysed by feelings of negativity and the message that I am a worthless loser and a liability.

I cant seem to do anything right. My efforts are never ending though and I try not to let anyone down. I fight self pity as I know it only brings punishment.

I want to excercise, I have never had the ccourage as I feel to worthless or pathetic to go walking alone. I would feel the judgemental eyes on me (not real ones) but ones in my mind mocking me as to why would I try to do this....

I also dont make the best of myself like most women. If I try to do myself up I immediately see the effort and think you fool....why try to polish a sh!t and take off any make up or jewellery etc.

I do have a loving partner and for that am grateful. But I work so hard to hide all this miserable stuff. My head, neck and jaw ache day and night now from the actual pain of the heaviness of carrying this. At night I grind my teeth so hard they are worn down and my head and jaw are in constant agony.

I dont have money for counselling. I have a history of depression which I was given antidepressants for but they made me high and I had to discontinue. I was told then to look to lifestyle factors to manage the depression. I have a good diet but I need to exersise but when I try to do that my brain runs over and over all these awful feelings.

I cant blot it out.

Das Kitty

You need to talk to your doctor about this OP. These negative feelings seem to overwhelm you and haunt you. You can feel better, but you will need to ask for your doctor's help.

RossFixxxed

I know you say money is an issue, but you need to take this offline and to a professional. Your health is worth the money. You wouldn't come on here saying HELP my leg has been cut off but I can't afford a doctor...

You need to do something about this now, get to the doctor, there are many councelling options out there too.... The doc will help. You will be digging yourself into a worse hole if you don't.

it's your life and you gotta get up and fix it.

Good luck,
R

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response Das Kitty. I have been to the Doctors, started with a GP who gave me antidepressants but they didn't suit, caused problems which ended with a psychiatrist checking me out.

The psychiatrist said to deal with the problems either by diet, excersize and lifestyle which I try to do but has had limited success to be honest.

I am not a good candidate for antidepressants.

So I am on my own. I just need to get to a stage where I can find some way of excersising...at the moment the inner dialogue is very crippling and I can barely do the minimum to get through the day. But I understand once I can get excersising things will improve....

The physical pain in my head and jaw is ever present night and day, this is because of the thoughts and the more physical pain I have the worse the thoughts are....

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I feel i have walked your shoes, and recently out the other side.

I totally relate to the negative chatter you speak to yourself with, this is made up of voices and words from your past and you have internalized all of these voices and experiences.

It seems to me that you have been fighting to get better but realizing your family are not and never going to be very supportive. Its incredibly hurtful to feel this rejection over and over- i know.

My family were the same and i knew i was depressed because there was no space to be myself in my home, i was never encouraged to put myself first and i never did. Even when my father had sexually messed me up my mother never acknowledged it or supported me, it was always about how hard it was for her. She was so angry with her upbringing that she beat me and shouted at me and could never stop the cycle.

When i started to go to therapy i thought my family would be my biggest supporters, it went on that they all rejected me because i changed and they wanted the old miserable me, the more independent i became the more angry they got with me.

It was tough... but like you i had a nice boyfriend, i started to put all my energy into anything positive i did have and i left all the negative people behind.

They may be your family and part of your story till now but you can make a new story for yourself, thats what i did. I tried for years to meet a balance with them but eventually i had to let them go.

That negative voice is not you, it was passed down from your mother and her mother before you, if you want to break the cycle you have to start speaking to yourself in a nicer way, you have to start learning to love yourself and accept yourself.

You need to distance yourself from anyone negative and do some therapy (many free places government funded) and really listen to yourself and your needs, one thing you need right now is support, and it seems that you and your boyfriend are the only ones to give it you.

I also did some therapy with my BF he came into my therapy and we really helped our relationship, even though we were quite strong before i cant believe the benefits of having greater communication with each other.


As i said before i am out the other side it is completly possible to recover and create a new life, I really got into some of the self help areas because i needed positive role models, Do you know Louise Hay and Eckhart Tolle, them and their books really enlightened me and i started to listen to their voices instead of the old ones!

They both recovered from negative childhoods and negative voices, Eckhart Tolle taught me that you are not your mind, when you can distinguish your presence from the mind and the dreamlike places it brings you to the present moment is your true reality, yes you may be feeing pain in it when you deeply feel but this is the way out, you have to mourn your losses grieve them and let go. Then you can live in the present moment and your mind has no control over you.

I dont know if this will help but i really got a lot out of Oprah's soul series you can watch them free on line....


http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgoprahssoulserieswebcast/20080512_oaf_oss_guest

For my negative chatter i wrote out affirmations everyday, i love and approve of myself, sounds corney to some nut it worked, you have to plant the seed and let it grow if you write that everyday you will see great changes it becomes your new reality.

Also the book "the secret" and the law of attraction taught me that what you think creates your future, change what you put out there to more positive thoughts about yourself and the reaction will change, it really works!

LegacyUser

Thank you so much Unreg, I am reading your post a few times and taking it in.

I am confused because although my Mother made mistakes she is a good person just with feet of clay and was in a terrible situation. So I want to get away from blame but I have done a lot of wrong in my life so I am to blame for damage I have done to others. Its so confusing! I just want this dialogue to stop.

I can identify with your family situation a lot also re your Father. It was lovely to read your post.

I dont think my siblings understand, thankfully although they would not be unsupportive, I just wouldn't bother them with my trivial problems, they just think our childhood was ok and dont know how I saw it/see it. I prefer to let the world think I am managing anyway. They were younger than me and a lot of the dissapproval and frustration rained down on me and I absorbed it. So I think they were a bit more oblivious to what went on.

Although they were in the same family the expectations were not as high to be perfect on them. Also they were pretty and more easygoing better able to deal with things and make friends etc I was not pretty and was always anxious and full of fear an insecurity, basically not a likeable child I suppose.

Anyway I am going on! Thanks for your valuable post, it meant a lot -I will check out those books.

JMCD

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi Op,

I feel i have walked your shoes, and recently out the other side.

I totally relate to the negative chatter you speak to yourself with, this is made up of voices and words from your past and you have internalized all of these voices and experiences.

It seems to me that you have been fighting to get better but realizing your family are not and never going to be very supportive. Its incredibly hurtful to feel this rejection over and over- i know.

My family were the same and i knew i was depressed because there was no space to be myself in my home, i was never encouraged to put myself first and i never did. Even when my father had sexually messed me up my mother never acknowledged it or supported me, it was always about how hard it was for her. She was so angry with her upbringing that she beat me and shouted at me and could never stop the cycle.

When i started to go to therapy i thought my family would be my biggest supporters, it went on that they all rejected me because i changed and they wanted the old miserable me, the more independent i became the more angry they got with me.

It was tough... but like you i had a nice boyfriend, i started to put all my energy into anything positive i did have and i left all the negative people behind.

They may be your family and part of your story till now but you can make a new story for yourself, thats what i did. I tried for years to meet a balance with them but eventually i had to let them go.

That negative voice is not you, it was passed down from your mother and her mother before you, if you want to break the cycle you have to start speaking to yourself in a nicer way, you have to start learning to love yourself and accept yourself.

You need to distance yourself from anyone negative and do some therapy (many free places government funded) and really listen to yourself and your needs, one thing you need right now is support, and it seems that you and your boyfriend are the only ones to give it you.

I also did some therapy with my BF he came into my therapy and we really helped our relationship, even though we were quite strong before i cant believe the benefits of having greater communication with each other.


As i said before i am out the other side it is completly possible to recover and create a new life, I really got into some of the self help areas because i needed positive role models, Do you know Louise Hay and Eckhart Tolle, them and their books really enlightened me and i started to listen to their voices instead of the old ones!

They both recovered from negative childhoods and negative voices, Eckhart Tolle taught me that you are not your mind, when you can distinguish your presence from the mind and the dreamlike places it brings you to the present moment is your true reality, yes you may be feeing pain in it when you deeply feel but this is the way out, you have to mourn your losses grieve them and let go. Then you can live in the present moment and your mind has no control over you.

I dont know if this will help but i really got a lot out of Oprah's soul series you can watch them free on line....


http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgoprahssoulserieswebcast/20080512_oaf_oss_guest

For my negative chatter i wrote out affirmations everyday, i love and approve of myself, sounds corney to some nut it worked, you have to plant the seed and let it grow if you write that everyday you will see great changes it becomes your new reality.

Also the book "the secret" and the law of attraction taught me that what you think creates your future, change what you put out there to more positive thoughts about yourself and the reaction will change, it really works!

Agree 100 percent with this poster esp, about the affirmations and positive affiramations at that! They really do work and if you do them everyday for about a month you will notie a huge difference in yourself! At the start you will probably still hear the negative thoughts but dont loose heart, they will fade away eventually!

+1 about "The Secret" aswell.

JuliusCaesar

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont have money for counselling. I have a history of depression which I was given antidepressants for but they made me high and I had to discontinue. I was told then to look to lifestyle factors to manage the depression. I have a good diet but I need to exersise but when I try to do that my brain runs over and over all these awful feelings. .

You don't need money. You can get counselling and therapy FREE in the mental health services. Ask to be referred to a Psychologist or Clinical Nurse Specialist/Counselling. You'll need to be referred by your GP, so if he doesn't know about this you'll need to research it yourself. Phone your local Mental Health Services, ask about how to get referred to the Psychologist or CNS/Counselling; and then tell your GP.

There is NO need for you to carry on suffering alone.

LegacyUser

Hi there.. Well done for coming on and sharing your emotion.. I reckon you feel better inside already.. There are millions who share the same anxieties every day..BUT.. there is light around the corner.. What i would say is try not to label yourself as a person who feels down and is a negative thinker.. Instead, from now..although it takes a bit of patience and many deep breaths..its time to let all the negativity and anxiety leave your body and take in the smiles, happiness and positivity that surrounds us all.. When I have these similar thoughts as you coming on, I play little games back as I know it's not me creating these thought patterns..
Lets say for example.. Choose you favourite happy colour.. Your favourite happy colour is an urgent signal to tell the "NEGATIVE THOUGHTS STOP".. When a negative thought enters them mind..suppress it with you favourite colour first.. This takes practice but it does work!! A similar method is to write ALL the negative thoughts down in one line sentences, leaving large gaps between each line.. Then between each sentence, write in LARGE RED INK, why you dont want to feel these thoughts anymore.. Example: Thought = "I was a worthless person when I was young" ... Now replace it in LARGE RED INK Example: = "I was a fantastic person - I excelled in my job and the people loved me"

These are only examples to try and show you that, with time, you CAN control your mind with happy emotion, releasing unnecessary negativity for good so you can live out a happy and fulfilling life.. I went to see this guy Robin (www.exclusivehypnotherapy.co.uk) in Edinburgh, when I was there after reading an article about him and he was great.. Again, you need to build on everything you take in. . .then slowly but surely that light comes peeping around the corner.. His CD's are fantastic..

Also check this guy out for relaxing and releasing negative thought patterns..
<snip>

I found and understood that i'm not at all "Looney Toons" and that this is life and as much as life was a little bit crappy in the past..there's a whole bright future ahead of everyone of us if we put our unique minds body and souls into it and love ourselves first..

Another way to eleminate negative thoughts are...
Your a star.. a Billion miles away.. surrounded by Billions and Billions of more suns and stars.. You then zoom in on yourself on Earth.. You notice negative thoughts bouncing about which have no relevance or meaning to anything.. My point being.. They are only tiny little thoughts in a World of 6 Billion people surrounded by an infinity of Stars and Universes and not the "BIG NEGATIVE" cluster that we get ourself feeling down about..

I could go on..so ill ease on the Space Stuff for now ;o)

I know your gonna be fine.. Surround yourself by loving family and friends.. Plenty of fresh air, the sea is great.. Walking, Cycling... Download your favourite music of all time and pop your MP3 player on and feel good again!! You'll love it!! Happy feelings are on the way!! I also find Omega 3,6,9 helps lift the mood.. Its 100% Natural.. Enjoy life and love yourself!!

Dilbert75

OP you sound like someone I know quite well, lots of things in common. And apparently you don't believe in yourself or in your own value. You need to be reminded that you're a wonderful person with lots to offer and, once you get used to hearing that, you'll start to believe it. If the only way you can hear it is to force yourself to tell yourself, then do it. Do what makes you feel happier, for yourself. And take the advice above - its good.