Met my ex for lunch not a good idea :(

thegame

4 and a half years together and she broke up with me

Broke up 3 months ago we met up for lunch to be friends and we got on well talking about what we were doing in our lives since we broke up

we got on great and had a great time,there were times were i felt i had strong feelings for her

but at the end of lunch when she left it hurted me so bad

at the end of it when we parted ways she kissed me on the cheek and said ill be contact you soon take care

then she texted me 20mins after it and said

it was really good seeing again im so happy when can be friends,im glad your doing well you deserve to be happy i want to stay in contact and want to know how you are doing.i just hope meeting up will help you to move on it was great to see you again i had a great time.

then she said. the 4 and a half years were special to me and ill always have fond memories of our time together,ill always care for you and your a wonderful person and all i want is for you to be happy.

really sad moment for me it was.should i go NC from now on and did i blow it with my ex now..is it over for good

D-Boy

I do the same too just be the bigger man and say keep in touch dont give her the peasure of knowin your moping
Still text and talk to my ex of 3 years no biggie

tatabubbly

Sound like she just really wants you two to be friends i'm afraid.
4 and half years is a long time to be together and it's great that you can be friends and talk amicably. I was with someone for 4 years and we split up last year. Have not heard a single word from that person since. It's good for you two to be friends as total silence from the other person hurts bad.

You said she broke up with you? Maybe her feelings have changed towards you but she clearly still cares and just wants friendship.
It's hard to accept but i'd take some time out for yourself and look after number one first.

Wibbs

IMHO I would say break all contact. For your sake. keeping her in your head and heart will only slow your progress.

It may sound cruel to some, but what she wants to do, should mean nothing to you at the moment. It's OK for her as she's moved on. She's had time to process this, chances are very high that she had emotionally changed tack even before the actual split happened. As I say she's gone through these emotions and out the other side. The fact that she can meet you for lunch and be fairly chilled about it would tell me that. It helps and guilt she may feel about the breakup, knowing or thinking you've moved on too. You haven't yet though.

As I say IMHO you won't until you detach completely from her. When you are part of a relationship you have to think about the other person as well as yourself. When that ends you should think about yourself first and foremost if you're the one that was dumped. If you're the one doing the dumping you need to think more about the other person at first, but avoid selfish needs to keep them around.

It's tricky though. There does seem to be some gender diff in this. I've noted that more women will want to keep the ex in their lives on an emotional level after they dump someone. Men less so and if they do it's often for the sexual option. Both are inherently selfish, though at least the former appears to be more altruistic. It's often just as selfish under the surface though.

For you to move on and be happy as she says, you need to actually move on, see it as a chapter in your life that has passed. You have learned from it and you can treasure it, but it's in the past. You will be reminded enough by your memories, you don't need the reminder of her still in your life emotionally, or when you learn she's with someone new. I'm not saying you couldn't be mates down the line. That's possible, though I personally have found that when I was over someone I had little interest in having them as mates in the vast majority of cases. I suppose that's one reason it didn't work out. In any case in order to be mates neither of you can have ulterior motives and holding a torch for someone is just that.

Tell her you need to move forward from your shared past and would be happier if she left it up to you to contact her. If she genuinely wants you to be happy and has any emotional insight, she will agree to this, even if she doesn't want to. If she rejects this or tries to contact you against your wishes, then that should tell you all you need to know about what she actually wants.

LegacyUser

hi op,

your situation is unbelievably similar to mine.....gf broke up about 9 months ago after being together 4 and a half years. stayed in contact ever so slighlty after we broke up, after about 3 or 4 months we said maybe it would be nice to meet for lunch to see could we be friends. got on great, very relaxed when she left she said exact same thing to me as yours did to you: "great to see you, loved our time together, hopefully this will help you move on, you mean alot to me, always will etc etc". i was gutted, put me straight back to square one!

didnt have it in me to cut all contact though, so in recent months there has been a bit more contact, simple stuff like how are you, any news etc....but only realised a few weeks ago, i couldnt do it anymore, still had too strong feelings for the girl....so had to tell her she was asking too much from me to just be friends!

so basicallly, 9 months on, im still getting over her. if i could do the whole thing again, as hard as it is, believe me i know, i would have listened to peoples advice and cut ALL contact. i've done it all wrong, dragging it out, thinking we could be friends etc.....If you honestly believe she wants to move on, best thing you can do in my opinion is try to do the same. she may be nicest person in the world, maybe like me you were hoping that lunch could be the beginning of getting back together, i think though she wants to just remain as friends.

only now am i REALLY beginning to accept its over and starting to think about me first again, my advice, try do the same.

and i totally know what your feeling, its very hard

thegame

thanks for the kind replys it helped alot

D-Boy

Your not the first and you sure as hell wont be the last dont let it get to you soon enough you be with a new girl and laughing at yourself for lettin an ex get to you.

Tim Robbins

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO I would say break all contact. For your sake. keeping her in your head and heart will only slow your progress.

Women are masters at not saying what they want. She might want to get back with you in a few weeks when you don't.

Sorry for the generalisation.

Wibbs

If that is one of those cases, then him moving away from her increases his chance of her having second thoughts. People tend to want what they can't have and they really tend to want what they thought they had but now don't. Win win situation either way. That's why I would strongly suggest he stops contact.

Wagon

Tim Robbins wrote: »

Women are masters at not saying what they want. She might want to get back with you in a few weeks when you don't.

In my experience, when a bird breaks it off and wants to be friends, she wants that. That text she sent him confirms that, she now sees him as a friend. It's a **** feeling and ive had it myself.

OP, break off all contact completely. It's the only way. Tell her this and then say goodbye. Delete phone numbers, facebooks, email etc... It's a **** feeling when the ex plonks you right back to square one but don't make the same mistake twice. You'll get past this so keep the head high

Sorry for the generalisation.

Don't be, i do it all the time

thegame

thanks i will now go in to No Contact and move on its the best thing for me to do anyway.

thegame

here is an update she emailed me this lastnight

I loved our time together and it will always be so special to me. Please please don't feel guilty as I want us to remember the great times we had together and all the happiness we shared. And I hope in time you can move on as you deserve to be happy more than anything!! I loved seeing you and really hope we can remain friends as you still mean so much to me. There are times when I miss you also and I miss your family too.. and I want you to know that you are a wonderful person and you will always hold a place in my heart as we were together for so long.

I really hope you can be happy and hope you do so well with all your future plans! I am happy for you and proud of you for all you have achieved so far!!

So be happy and enjoy life and look to the future with no regret, and remember you are a good person and I will always think of you with a smile on my face.

looks like its over...time to move on for me now ...:)

petes

Yep and delete that email.

Wagon

thegame wrote: »

here is an update she emailed me this lastnight

I loved our time together and it will always be so special to me. Please please don't feel guilty as I want us to remember the great times we had together and all the happiness we shared. And I hope in time you can move on as you deserve to be happy more than anything!! I loved seeing you and really hope we can remain friends as you still mean so much to me. There are times when I miss you also and I miss your family too.. and I want you to know that you are a wonderful person and you will always hold a place in my heart as we were together for so long.

I really hope you can be happy and hope you do so well with all your future plans! I am happy for you and proud of you for all you have achieved so far!!

So be happy and enjoy life and look to the future with no regret, and remember you are a good person and I will always think of you with a smile on my face.

looks like its over...time to move on for me now ...:)

Ah i hate those type of emails/messages/phone calls! The "i think your a great person and ill always have a special place in my heart for you."

Look on the bright side, you have a clear answer and you won't waste any time hoping that you'll get back together with her. I did that and it was a waste of 8 months of my life. It was a joke. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

And yes, delete that email. get rid of the thing.

And best of luck.

thegame

thanks wagon..ill move on and ill delete that email

markesmith

No contact mate. Delete phone number & emails. It's the best option for your sanity. Take it from me.

Wibbs

My cynical translation?

thegame wrote: »

I loved our time together and it will always be so special to me.*But it wasn't special enough for me to want to stay* Please please don't feel guilty as I want us to remember the great times we had together and all the happiness we shared.*plus I partially blame you for the breakup, but I'm feeling guilty myself* And I hope in time you can move on as you deserve to be happy more than anything!!*and it'll take some of the sting out of it for me* I loved seeing you and really hope we can remain friends as you still mean so much to me. There are times when I miss you also and I miss your family too..*I miss you, but I don't want to be with you romantically, but I miss the other parts of being with you. Please don't take them away*

The rest is genuine as she writes it IMHO

Hey I've pulled similar in the selfish git past, though I was keeping them around for possible nookie purposes and that's just my take on it, but mark my words if you don't cut contact(nicely) she will naturally try to keep you in play as an emotional support and maybe even a slight ego boost as she knows you carry a torch and didn't want it to end. You'll be deep in friendzone, only worse as you were with her before. Friendship is nearly always a downgrade after a long termer. 9 times outa 10 the ones that say it isn't are the dumpers or dumpees who think they may still have a chance. I don't do downgrades and neither should you.

If you stay my crystal ball sees it like this.... you'll feel there may still be a chance. She'll give you the odd hug and emotional affection and that'll bolster that in you. Down the line she'll meet another guy and go out with him. Her contact will tail off. You'll be hurt all over again. When there's trouble in that relationship, you'll get the call and youll think it means something. It won't(unless she jumps your bones and dumps him). rinse and repeat. I have seen three guys and one woman go through this. One of those poor bastids went through it for 6 odd years.

As others have said (and you too) cut contact completely, until such times as you are completely over her (and preferably happy with someone else actually). You'll likely find you won't want her her around in your life save for the odd text at chrimbo.

Yes you had a lovely time with her(bad times too I'd warrant), but the world is full of women and better women for you in the next stage of your life.

thegame

thanks wibbs brillant put!! im going to do all that,and leave her be now and look after number 1..me!!!

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

My cynical translation? The rest is genuine as she writes it IMHO

Hey I've pulled similar in the selfish git past, though I was keeping them around for possible nookie purposes and that's just my take on it, but mark my words if you don't cut contact(nicely) she will naturally try to keep you in play as an emotional support and maybe even a slight ego boost as she knows you carry a torch and didn't want it to end. You'll be deep in friendzone, only worse as you were with her before. Friendship is nearly always a downgrade after a long termer. 9 times outa 10 the ones that say it isn't are the dumpers or dumpees who think they may still have a chance. I don't do downgrades and neither should you.

If you stay my crystal ball sees it like this.... you'll feel there may still be a chance. She'll give you the odd hug and emotional affection and that'll bolster that in you. Down the line she'll meet another guy and go out with him. Her contact will tail off. You'll be hurt all over again. When there's trouble in that relationship, you'll get the call and youll think it means something. It won't(unless she jumps your bones and dumps him). rinse and repeat. I have seen three guys and one woman go through this. One of those poor bastids went through it for 6 odd years.

As others have said (and you too) cut contact completely, until such times as you are completely over her (and preferably happy with someone else actually). You'll likely find you won't want her her around in your life save for the odd text at chrimbo.

Yes you had a lovely time with her(bad times too I'd warrant), but the world is full of women and better women for you in the next stage of your life.

Well done wibbs if there was any way of making a single post a sticky that should be it