I am pregnant and so confused

LegacyUser

I have got very close to my boss in work and he is 20 years older than me. I have found out i am over 4 months pregnant and panicking. Dont know what to do!

Miss Fluff

Are you in a relationship with this guy or is it an affair? I take it he's the father?

SarahSassy

At 4 months you need to decide fairly quickly if you are going to have an abortion. Not sure its even still possible up to 24 weeks now...

Are you in a position to have a relationship with him?

Nevyn

www.postiveoptions.ie

LegacyUser

I think he thinks it was all a bit of fun and now I dont know what I can do. Yes he is the father. I think I am also afraid of my colleagues finding out and hating me.

Das Kitty

Unregistered wrote: »

I think he thinks it was all a bit of fun and now I dont know what I can do. Yes he is the father. I think I am also afraid of my colleagues finding out and hating me.

That's the least of your worries!

Your boss deserves to be told that you are carrying his child. Tell him.

tolteq

Unregistered wrote: »

I have got very close to my boss in work and he is 20 years older than me. I have found out i am over 4 months pregnant and panicking. Dont know what to do!

Oh dear.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

I think he thinks it was all a bit of fun and now I dont know what I can do. Yes he is the father. I think I am also afraid of my colleagues finding out and hating me.

Leave your colleagues out of it for now, they're not your concern at the moment.
You need to take your boss aside and have a talk with him, you won't know how he feels until you tell him. I know it'll be hard but you need to let him know. You're 4months gone, doesn't leave you with a lot of time for decisions. You also need to have a long think about what *you* want to do.

But talking to him is the first step, good luck

luckat

If your colleagues hate you for falling in love, they're pretty weird.

Time to sit down, by yourself first, and think. Do you want to:

* Spend the future raising a child
(a) with the father or
(b) without the father

* Abort the pregnancy and forget about it, and consider whether you want to stay in this relationship or not

It's unfortunate that you've found out this late, because you're going to have to act fast if you decide on abortion.

If you decide that you want to have a child and rear it, then you're going to have to talk to this man, and work out together whether you want to develop the relationship or not. And if not, how he's going to help you to support his child.

Either way, it's a good idea to go and talk to someone like the Irish Family Planning Association (http://www.ifpa.ie/eng/Pregnancy-Counselling), who are used to talking this through.

Lucy Lu

Tolteq, please read the charter before posting again refrain from unhelpful comments.

Lucy

petethebrick

An unwanted pregnancy is always a difficult situation. My advice would be to forget about the added complication of the father being your boss for the time being.

Deal with it like you would if it was just some other random guy who was the dad. First thing you have to do is tell the father. Then the two of you can discuss your options and decide what to do about.
Don't be putting extra stress on yourself worrying about how it will affect your work situation.
Good luck.

snowy2008

you definatly need to tell him, is he married?

Partizan

You need to sit down and talk to your boss about this. Look at Positive Options and if possible seek counselling. You will also have to tell your immediate family if you plan on keeping the child. 24 weeks is just too long for an abortion.

If he is married then you will go down as a home wrecker. Really, I have very little sympathy for you. You should have thought about this before you willingly jumped into bed with him. You and your boss behaved irresponsibly and you will now reap the consequences.

ellie1

Partizan wrote: »

You need to sit down and talk to your boss about this. Look at Positive Options and if possible seek counselling. You will also have to tell your immediate family if you plan on keeping the child. 24 weeks is just too long for an abortion.

If he is married then you will go down as a home wrecker. Really, I have very little sympathy for you. You should have thought about this before you willingly jumped into bed with him. You and your boss behaved irresponsibly and you will now reap the consequences.

Oh shut up on the moral high ground.

Op, Hope you are okay and it all works out for you.

Micky Dolenz

Partizan wrote: »

If he is married then you will go down as a home wrecker. Really, I have very little sympathy for you. You should have thought about this before you willingly jumped into bed with him. You and your boss behaved irresponsibly and you will now reap the consequences.

awful advice, shame on you.

OP, what is your relatationship with your employer? was it a one off?.

Is he in a relationship with someone else?

If you have good friends confide in them, once you have talked it through it won't seem as bad.

Keep your head up.

Partizan

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

awful advice, shame on you.

OP, what is your relatationship with your employer? was it a one off?.

Is he in a relationship with someone else?

If you have good friends confide in them, once you have talked it through it won't seem as bad.

Keep your head up.

No its not awful advice. If she had behaved responsibly, she would not be in the situation she is now.

What happened to a person's self respect? I was brought up to respect myself and others and take responsibility for my actions. This kind of irresponsible behaviour should not be condoned. OP, you are now carrying your boss's child. Talk to him, get counselling, talk to your family and prepare to look after and provide for your child.

Micky Dolenz

Partizan wrote: »

No its not awful advice. If she had behaved responsibly, she would not be in the situation she is now.

What happened to a person's self respect. This kind of irresponsible behaviour should not be condoned. OP, you are now carrying your boss's child. Talk to him, get counselling, talk to your family and prepare to look after and provide for your child.

Why put the onus on the woman? If he is indeed married, he wreaked his own marriage not the OP.

It's horrible smug comments that do not help, after the fact.

Partizan

I have not put the onus on the OP. It takes 2 to tango. They must now reap the consequences of their irresponsible actions. and anyway she could have at least said 'NO'.

Stop trying to make excuses.

Micky Dolenz

Partizan wrote: »

I have not put the onus on the OP. It takes 2 to tango. They must now reap the consequences of their irresponsible actions. and anyway she could have at least said 'NO'.

Stop trying to make excuses.

Nobody is making excuses.

What you are doing is similar to looking into a crashed car and telling the hurt and distressed driver " your some eejit, why were you speeding and not wearing a seatbelt?"

ellie1

Partizan wrote: »

I have not put the onus on the OP. It takes 2 to tango. They must now reap the consequences of their irresponsible actions. and anyway she could have at least said 'NO'.

Stop trying to make excuses.

Do you want a ladder to climb down from your pedalstil?

Partizan

No Ellie, I have always been responsible when i have been in relationships.

Its a bit too late in the day to have learned from her mistake. There's a child on the way and she must now prepare for motherhood.

Partizan

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Nobody is making excuses.

What you are doing is similar to looking into a crashed car and telling the hurt and distressed driver " your some eejit, why were you speeding and not wearing a seatbelt?"

There's no comparison here. It could have easily been avoided.

Micky Dolenz

Partizan wrote: »

There's no comparison here. It could have easily been avoided.

As too can any accident.

What the OP needs is advice and empathy, not a lecture from a holier than thou type, I.E you.

ellie1

Partizan wrote: »

No Ellie, I have always been responsible when i have been in relationships.

Its a bit too late in the day to have learned from her mistake. There's a child on the way and she must now prepare for motherhood.

Well done you. So responsible and mature. A model citizen indeed.

Maybe you should start working on your empathtic side. The op is upset and destressed and your remarks are unhelpful, patronising and condesending.

Micky Dolenz

Apologies OP for allowing the thread to be pulled off topic, some wonderful advice here. Be sure and share this with someone you trust and check out the organization below.

Thaedydal wrote: »

www.postiveoptions.ie

Wibbs

Everyone please stay on topic. If you want to have an off topic discussion take it to PM. Thank you.

WillieCocker

Ouch.
What a horrible situation to be in.

As said you must discuss this with your boss.
Whilst you may feel dismay at being pregnant, your boss has a right to know if it is his.

And whilst on the topic of blame, as the boss is 20 years older and married, shouldn't he have been the one to say NO.:rolleyes:

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

I have got very close to my boss in work and he is 20 years older than me. I have found out i am over 4 months pregnant and panicking. Dont know what to do!

Unregistered wrote: »

I think he thinks it was all a bit of fun and now I dont know what I can do. Yes he is the father. I think I am also afraid of my colleagues finding out and hating me.

Just to quote what the OP has said.
She has not yet mentioned IF her boss is taken/married etc so I don't think she needs a lecture on the dynamics of sleeping with someone who's not single yet.

OP, do try and talk to your boss, he does need to know. And counselling will be helpful too

LegacyUser

He isn't married and as far as I am aware, he isn't in a relationship with anyone else. He has been stuck in meetings all morning so I haven't had the opportunity to speak to him. I will ask can I have a word with him and somehow tell him, I don't even know what to say!

I just feel so stupid about how this has all turned out, I am going to speak to a colleague of mine at lunch and ask her opinion about how I can resolve this.

Thanks for all the advice.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

He isn't married and as far as I am aware, he isn't in a relationship with anyone else. He has been stuck in meetings all morning so I haven't had the opportunity to speak to him. I will ask can I have a word with him and somehow tell him, I don't even know what to say!

I just feel so stupid about how this has all turned out, I am going to speak to a colleague of mine at lunch and ask her opinion about how I can resolve this.

Do ask him, tell him it's very important you have a word with him asap. Look, these things happen, even with people who are being very careful so don't feel stupid. There's no specific way to tell him, just be honest, tell him exactly the truth. Try not to stress yourself out till then.

Das Kitty

I would say though.

Tell him outside of work, ask him can you meet him for coffee afterwards or something.

Nothing worse than reacting to shocking news at work, the gossip-mongers would have a hey-day.

The_Conductor

Das Kitty wrote: »

I would say though.

Tell him outside of work, ask him can you meet him for coffee afterwards or something.

Nothing worse than reacting to shocking news at work, the gossip-mongers would have a hey-day.

I would echo what Das Kitty has said. Its between you and your boss- no-one else. Find somewhere quiet to tell him, outside of work, where you can talk.

S.

Elbi

If i were you i'd try to tell him asap, Dont wait untill later or ask can you meet up for a coffee, just say you need to speak to him now and that its urgent, I think the longer you leave it the harder it will be,

Have you come to a decission as to what you will do with the baby or does his reaction determin what you do?

Best of luck.

SarahSassy

Do not tell any colleague. Its a breach of confidentiality given your boss also works there. That kind of gossip would be too hard for a lot of people to keep in...

Miss Fluff

+1. Discussing this with a mutual colleague is the worst thing you could possibly do, regardless of how well you get on with them!

Talk to him directly without involving anyone you work with.

philologos

OP: Don't let this get you down. Your situation might be bad, but you are bringing a wonderful child into this world. What may seem bad is most likely going to be a blessing. Tell your boss, don't worry too much about his reaction he deserves to know, and you should offer him to be a full part of this childs life. However OP, you will find on this forum there are a lot of people with a pro-choice agenda. This is a wonderful opportunity you have, and you have a child with a lot of potential to offer the world. I'd advise you against abortion, you should consider whether or not you want to keep the child or give it up for adoption though. OP I'm wishing you the best of luck, in this situation and in all others. Don't be so rash to jump to abortion as the only solution. Think that there is a child deserving of the right to life growing inside you, it's one of the greatest wonders that we can have in life

LegacyUser

Remember no job is ever as important as your life. What people think doesn't matter, they will all ultimately accept your choice, none of us are worth more than a few minutes gossip whatever we do. And whatever you decide there's no need to hang around in this job if its too much hassle, getting away from it would probably be the best thing you can do. People get on with their own lives. Make your own choice.

dan719

Jakkass wrote: »

OP: Don't let this get you down. Your situation might be bad, but you are bringing a wonderful child into this world. What may seem bad is most likely going to be a blessing. Tell your boss, don't worry too much about his reaction he deserves to know, and you should offer him to be a full part of this childs life. However OP, you will find on this forum there are a lot of people with a pro-choice agenda. This is a wonderful opportunity you have, and you have a child with a lot of potential to offer the world. I'd advise you against abortion, you should consider whether or not you want to keep the child or give it up for adoption though. OP I'm wishing you the best of luck, in this situation and in all others. Don't be so rash to jump to abortion as the only solution. Think that there is a child deserving of the right to life growing inside you, it's one of the greatest wonders that we can have in life

This isn't advise, it's your propoganda and your agenda, and one based on exploiting emotion at that.

WillieCocker

dan719 wrote: »

This isn't advise, it's your propoganda and your agenda, and one based on exploiting emotion at that.

Isn't it just an opinion.? :rolleyes:

philologos

dan719 wrote: »

This isn't advise, it's your propoganda and your agenda, and one based on exploiting emotion at that.

Please, you know and I know that this is a pro-choice breeding ground. To ensure objectivity on abortion pro-lifers should be able to give their opinion.

My opinion is and was this: Abortion is most likely going to be an extremely rash decision. A wonderful child who will offer fulfilment for the OP for the rest of her life could be destroyed. This child deserves life, this child not only deserves life but also could be a blessing for the OP and the OP's boss. Killing it seems to be an awful rash decision to take.

At four months the child will be quite far along the process to birth. OP I would certainly advise you to keep strong, and get through the pregnancy.

Anyhow I wish the OP the best of luck, and I'm delighted for her that she is carrying a wonderful new child

Wibbs

Jakkass if you have a problem with the objectivity of this forum, please take it to feedback. Do it here again and you will be banned.

OK if anyone tries to turn this into a pro or anti abortion debate, I'm going to hand out long bans regardless of the position taken.

LegacyUser

Yesterday, I asked to speak to him and we went to a cafe and it took me ages to get the words out but I did, I think he went into shock and didn't say much while I guess it went around and around in his head. He had asked me if I knew what I wanted to do and that he needed time to think about it and then he said he had to go home.

He has been busy in meetings most of the day and I have tried to talk to him so I still really don't know where I stand, I think to be honest, he won't want anything to do with me or the baby after this. I was probably just a bit of fun and now the fun has ended. I wish I had have known that earlier instead of feeding me lines about how much he liked and cared for me, still you live and learn I guess.

The_Conductor

Unregistered wrote: »

Yesterday, I asked to speak to him and we went to a cafe and it took me ages to get the words out but I did, I think he went into shock and didn't say much while I guess it went around and around in his head. He had asked me if I knew what I wanted to do and that he needed time to think about it and then he said he had to go home.

He has been busy in meetings most of the day and I have tried to talk to him so I still really don't know where I stand, I think to be honest, he won't want anything to do with me or the baby after this. I was probably just a bit of fun and now the fun has ended. I wish I had have known that earlier instead of feeding me lines about how much he liked and cared for me, still you live and learn I guess.

You are going to have to talk to him again. To be honest- it sounds more like he was shocked to hear what happened- than anything else. Regardless of what you are going to do- you need emotional support at the moment- if he is not going to give you emotional support (out of a work context), you should confide in a close friend (who has nothing whatsover to do with work) and make sure that you are happy with whatever decisions you choose to make yourself. Do not feel pressurised into making any decisions by anyone else. I wouldn't necessarily rule the father out- he is probably more shocked than anything else......

King of Kings

Unregistered wrote: »

Yesterday, I asked to speak to him and we went to a cafe and it took me ages to get the words out but I did, I think he went into shock and didn't say much while I guess it went around and around in his head. He had asked me if I knew what I wanted to do and that he needed time to think about it and then he said he had to go home.

He has been busy in meetings most of the day and I have tried to talk to him so I still really don't know where I stand, I think to be honest, he won't want anything to do with me or the baby after this. I was probably just a bit of fun and now the fun has ended. I wish I had have known that earlier instead of feeding me lines about how much he liked and cared for me, still you live and learn I guess.

you don't know that for sure - it came to him as a shock
you prob were just a bit of fun to him but now with the seriousness of the situation he may well step up to the plate.
He'll come back to you to say something soon - he has to one way or another
More often than not a guy to go from jack the lad to exemplary character with a new found responsibility in his life.

From a guys perspective you should let him know what YOU want and what you would like to happen. Even if this is some notion of you setting up shop with him as happy families. With it all out in the open you both can make an informed decision.

LegacyUser

Hey OP hope your ok!!

I just wanted to say that no matter how bad it seems now don't fret, honestly! Just a year & a half ago I found out I was pregnant, TOTAL SHOCK, thought my life was over! Now the father is my long term boyfriend but honestly it will be okay, having a baby is the best thing that has ever happened to me!! What age are you? Im guessing your early 20s for some reason??

The most important thing you do now is think about yourself! DONT tell anyone in your job, they dont need to know, as others have said confide in a good friend outside your job. You have to give him time to get over the shock, cause it honestly sounds like thats whats up with him. Whether or not he wants to be involved, you can do this!!

Congrats on the news by the way, I know your still in shock but it is a positive thing! Your life wont be the same but in the best way possible!!

And dont listen to the ignorant people that were posting previously, it must be a lovely view up there on their high horse!! Its just ignorance honestly, no sympathy for anyone!!

Good luck!!

philologos

Unregistered wrote: »

Yesterday, I asked to speak to him and we went to a cafe and it took me ages to get the words out but I did, I think he went into shock and didn't say much while I guess it went around and around in his head. He had asked me if I knew what I wanted to do and that he needed time to think about it and then he said he had to go home.

Well done! Any man would be shocked by this news. He seemed concerned, and he seems like he wants to help from what you have said. Remain strong .

Unregistered wrote: »

He has been busy in meetings most of the day and I have tried to talk to him so I still really don't know where I stand, I think to be honest, he won't want anything to do with me or the baby after this. I was probably just a bit of fun and now the fun has ended. I wish I had have known that earlier instead of feeding me lines about how much he liked and cared for me, still you live and learn I guess.

Don't jump to conclusions OP. You've done an amazing thing and I commend you for your bravery. He needs time to think about it. Take him on his word. Your boss seems to me anyway like he actually does respect your situation.