Teenage crush, but I am in my 20s!

LegacyUser

I have been going out with a guy for year, to be honest I think it might be on the wane now, I have a lot of stress on at the minute and over the last few months and I think I might have become a little bit depressed. Nothing serious but I havn't got that much goin going in my life and I worried about the future, just a bit down in the dumps about eveything.

Anyway that's not the point, I have recently found myself to have developed a raging crush on a guy, this actually happened to be a few months ago with another guy. I think about them all the time, I imagine what it would be like to be with them, I have even started flirting with one of them online. Now I don't want to cheet on my boyfriend, I don't think I could ever do that too him, if he found out he would be devestated and I would never forgive myself. I just can't seem to get them out of my head, I am not come stupid kid, I am in my mid 20s this crush is like something you would expect a 15 year old to have. How can I gte rid of it?? It's turning into an obsession, I find myself checking this guys profile on s ocila networking site for too often, I am actually ashamed to say I got a pang of jelousy earlier when I saw another woman had left him a flirty message, It's rediculous I know.

star-pants

We all get crushes at 15 or 50.
In your case, what you need to do is decide if you want to be with your bf or not. You are looking for others, flirting and getting jealous if they're with someone else. That would make me think about my current relationship and if I was truly happy. Only you know the answer.

Nevyn

If I stopped getting crushes I would be worried.

LegacyUser

OP here thanks for the replies.

Yes I know it's normal to be attracted to other people, I have always been attracted to people, whether in a relationship or not. But I feel like this is just unhealthy, I really spend soooo much time thinking about this guy. To be honest I barely actually know him but I am obsessing about him day and night.

There are some pronlems with by boyfriend, nothing major but I am starting to think it's over for me, he's still really ino me though. The thing is even if I broke up with my boyfriend I don't know that I would really want to be with this guy. I don't think it would really work out between us. I just find him exciting and I don't have that with my boyfriend anymore.

I do feel guilty about this.

workaccount

Ok unregistered you have two problems.

One is an obsession with another guy and the other is problems with your current boyfriend.

Can you let us know a little more about the problems you are having with your current boyfriend?

Also if you don't know alot about this guy you are obsessing about what is it you like about him - what kind of lifestyle does he live?

zero_nine

I agree with the Mod. You need to decide for once and for all whether you want to be with your current bf. You cannot, in good conscience, phase him out and phase another one in. That just isn't cool. And although flirting with another guy isn't considered cheating, you're not doing you, your bf or that guy any favours and I flat out don't think thats cool either.

If its on the wane, clean break now is what you need.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

There are some problems with by boyfriend, nothing major but I am starting to think it's over for me, he's still really ino me though. The thing is even if I broke up with my boyfriend I don't know that I would really want to be with this guy. I don't think it would really work out between us. I just find him exciting and I don't have that with my boyfriend anymore.

A lot of people seem to think they should only leave their relationship if there's someone else to go to. This is not the reason you should leave. Forget about the other guys, all they did was highlight your perhaps unhappiness in your current relationship.

You need to think about you and your bf, if it's right, if it's going anywhere, if it can be fixed (or if you even want it to). Excitement can be brought back into relationships if both parties want to try. Maybe after you think about things have a chat with your bf about how you're feeling (if you want to fix things). If not, then you might be best splitting.

LegacyUser

workaccount wrote: »

Ok unregistered you have two problems.

One is an obsession with another guy and the other is problems with your current boyfriend.

Can you let us know a little more about the problems you are having with your current boyfriend?

Also if you don't know alot about this guy you are obsessing about what is it you like about him - what kind of lifestyle does he live?

The prblem with my boyfriend is that I am just not excited by him anymore, he's a lovely guy and I do love him to bits but, I am bored. I also don't think we're quite right for each other either, he has always been much more into me then I was into him, he can be quite clingy and sometimes I just feel trapped. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I just don't see it lasting, we want different things in life.

The other guy, well I find him attractive, he's not conventionally good looking but he's my 'type' and he's funny. He's a bit younger then me (just a few years) and we do have stuff in common, he's fun. I think more then anything he's just a bit more exciting and a bit more risky.

Zero_nine, I know it's not cool.

beks101

Huge crushes can be a great escape mechanism.

I know I've had plenty when I knew I shouldn't have, I even had a massive. thought-consuming one on my boss for a while...I think I developed it because I was unhappy with my life at the time and this was a 'safe' daydream as I knew there was no way in hell I would ever act on it.
You said you've been a bit down the past few months, could this be a way of taking your mind off everything, without actually doing anything to hurt anyone i.e your boyfriend?

LegacyUser

star-pants wrote: »

A lot of people seem to think they should only leave their relationship if there's someone else to go to. This is not the reason you should leave. Forget about the other guys, all they did was highlight your perhaps unhappiness in your current relationship.

You need to think about you and your bf, if it's right, if it's going anywhere, if it can be fixed (or if you even want it to). Excitement can be brought back into relationships if both parties want to try. Maybe after you think about things have a chat with your bf about how you're feeling (if you want to fix things). If not, then you might be best splitting.

Star-pant I know what you meen about some people waiting until they have met someone else before they leave their current partner and I have never understood that myself. In the past I have never jumped from one relationship to the next and I don't think that's waht I doing here. I just meant that, even aside from the complication of my boyfriend, e and this guy probably wouldn't have a future anyway I can see when I think about it rationally that me and him would not be right for each other.

I think the crushes I have had have highlighted to me the problems with my current relationship. I would like to forget about them and have a serious think about me and my boyfriend without having to think about this guy all the time. I am unsure what I want to do at the minute with my relationship. But for some reason I just can't get this other guy out of my head, I think it's clouding my vision in terms of my current boyfriend.

SarahSassy

You are dodging facing the realistic issues you have i.e. your relationship by focussing on someone else so intensely.

aare

I can't help wondering if you MIGHT be looking at this the wrong way round...

You can't see a future under circumstances where:

• You are crazy about the guy
• You barely know the guy
• The guy is exciting and fun

You are with a guy you:

• "Love to bits" (something we also do with puppies and small children)
• Know really well
• Find unexciting

I wonder if this is all really about you, rather than just your current relationship?

As this is the second "crush" in a few months...

Have you always been afraid to even face the people your really want and gone for "the safe option" and having found it, does that make you feel safe enough to face up to to the kind of person who really attracts you?

Just something to consider...

LegacyUser

aare wrote: »

I can't help wondering if you MIGHT be looking at this the wrong way round...

You can't see a future under circumstances where:

• You are crazy about the guy
• You barely know the guy
• The guy is exciting and fun

You are with a guy you:

• "Love to bits" (something we also do with puppies and small children)
• Know really well
• Find unexciting

I wonder if this is all really about you, rather than just your current relationship?

As this is the second "crush" in a few months...

Have you always been afraid to even face the people your really want and gone for "the safe option" and having found it, does that make you feel safe enough to face up to to the kind of person who really attracts you?

Just something to consider...

I think you have hit the nail on the head there aare. Although I wouldn't say I have ALWAYS gone for the safe option. I think this what has happened in this case.

I fully accept that this problem is about me and not him. I also don't want to give the impression that I am onkly with the guy because he is safe, I do like him, I think the world of him, we have great time together BUT something is missing, and always has been missing if I'm honest with myself. It's so hard to know though, maybe SOMETHING is always going to be missing, I meen no relationship is perfect, I have never had a relationship where absolutley everything was just right, even if I got with the guy I have the wild crush on I doubt VERY much we would be having some kind of amazing relationship to end all relationships. Surely expecting perfection is asking for too much.

workaccount

Unregistered wrote: »

I think you have hit the nail on the head there aare. Although I wouldn't say I have ALWAYS gone for the safe option. I think this what has happened in this case.

I fully accept that this problem is about me and not him. I also don't want to give the impression that I am onkly with the guy because he is safe, I do like him, I think the world of him, we have great time together BUT something is missing, and always has been missing if I'm honest with myself. It's so hard to know though, maybe SOMETHING is always going to be missing, I meen no relationship is perfect, I have never had a relationship where absolutley everything was just right, even if I got with the guy I have the wild crush on I doubt VERY much we would be having some kind of amazing relationship to end all relationships. Surely expecting perfection is asking for too much.

If you feel something is missing it really is fair that you end it asap. It's the best thing for you and it's definitely the best thing for him too. What fears do you have about leaving him - is the reason your abit depressed because your not sure what life would be like without him?

Is this other guy that other world that you would like? You believe this obsession about the other guy not to be attainable. So your left in limbo - your life is rubbish now and if you dump the current guy it will be rubbish too? Perhaps worse you think.

Have you many female friends?

LegacyUser

workaccount wrote: »

If you feel something is missing it really is fair that you end it asap. It's the best thing for you and it's definitely the best thing for him too. What fears do you have about leaving him - is the reason your abit depressed because your not sure what life would be like without him?

Is this other guy that other world that you would like? You believe this obsession about the other guy not to be attainable. So your left in limbo - your life is rubbish now and if you dump the current guy it will be rubbish too? Perhaps worse you think.

Have you many female friends?

I do have a good few female friends. I have discussed this issue with my closest friends and they said the same kind of thing that you guys have.

I think one of the reasons I am a bit depressed is that this is playing on my minf. I just hate the thought of having to break up with him. It'll be so hard. I am very fond of him and don't want to hurt him.

I don't know if I would say that this guy represents a world I want. I think perhaps I have built him up in my head to a point where the image I have of him is far better then the real him. He has some of the qualiies by boyfriend doesn't and I think that's what's attracting me to him.

Also, like another posted pointed out, this cruch is escapism from the actual issues I have with my life and my relationship.

aare

Unregistered wrote: »

I think you have hit the nail on the head there aare. Although I wouldn't say I have ALWAYS gone for the safe option. I think this what has happened in this case.

I fully accept that this problem is about me and not him. I also don't want to give the impression that I am onkly with the guy because he is safe, I do like him, I think the world of him, we have great time together BUT something is missing, and always has been missing if I'm honest with myself. It's so hard to know though, maybe SOMETHING is always going to be missing, I meen no relationship is perfect, I have never had a relationship where absolutley everything was just right, even if I got with the guy I have the wild crush on I doubt VERY much we would be having some kind of amazing relationship to end all relationships. Surely expecting perfection is asking for too much.

On the other hand...if you don't aim in the general direction of perfection, you could be missing out on the best of your own life??

My mother (of ALL people) nailed this one when she married my stepdad...

She said:
I know he isn't perfect in general, but he is perfect for me...and I think that may BE the bottom line.

...and the same goes for your "safe" guy...if you feel there is something missing he probably deserves more than you can give him too?

tolteq

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been going out with a guy for year, to be honest I think it might be on the wane now, I have a lot of stress on at the minute and over the last few months and I think I might have become a little bit depressed. Nothing serious but I havn't got that much goin going in my life and I worried about the future, just a bit down in the dumps about eveything.

Anyway that's not the point, I have recently found myself to have developed a raging crush on a guy, this actually happened to be a few months ago with another guy. I think about them all the time, I imagine what it would be like to be with them, I have even started flirting with one of them online. Now I don't want to cheet on my boyfriend, I don't think I could ever do that too him, if he found out he would be devestated and I would never forgive myself. I just can't seem to get them out of my head, I am not come stupid kid, I am in my mid 20s this crush is like something you would expect a 15 year old to have. How can I gte rid of it?? It's turning into an obsession, I find myself checking this guys profile on s ocila networking site for too often, I am actually ashamed to say I got a pang of jelousy earlier when I saw another woman had left him a flirty message, It's rediculous I know.

Rough going. I feel the same way about a friend of mine. She is 18 and I am 26. But we are close friends. I have known her for a year. I figure like....we both like each other. So whats wrong. She is happy being with me. And I am happy with her.