Breaking a heart

LegacyUser

Gotta go unreg'd with this one
Ive been going out with miss X for a little over a year now. Im in my early 20's, as is she.
I just don't want it anymore. I dont have the same feeling I did before, there has been too many insecurities from her side to deal with it anymore. Too many fights and shes not ambitious enough, as in going nowhere in life.
But now i have a bigger fear.
I'm afraid she might do something drastic if I break up wit her, as in self-harm, and if it happens i will feel as though its my responsibility. Theres no history of this with her, but I myself went through a very rough patch before and wanted to "disappear". I keep thinking that I am going to do more than break her heart, and shes going to resort to it. She's very attached and very emotional.
I don't know what to say or do to break it up.
Any ideas are greatly appreciated.

SarahSassy

It will only hurt her more in the long run if you drag this out.

Meet her in her own home and he honest and up front with her - no need for the 'its not you, its me' lines. Tell her why is it finsihing and let her know that there will be no going back. Dont tell her its a break, tell her its over but gently. Lies wont help her but do be kind and gentle and expect a reaction from her. Its hard to see tears and hear crying when you have been instrumental in delivering bad news but you have to do it.

Good luck.

star-pants

Sarah Sassy has it pretty much there.

Be gentle, but be firm and honest and let her know how you feel and that there is no hope (if that's what you believe). Worrying about what she may or may not do isn't really your problem. I doubt she would do anything, as you said she's no history of it. Plus we can't live our lives not telling the truth for fear of hurting someone.

Good luck

smares

Don't prolong it if you don't want to be with her than don't. Of course it's hard upsetting someone but it will be worse it you stay with her because your afraid she will harm herself and worse for her as she will come to realise you were with her out of pity.
Its just something you have to do for yourself just be gentle and be aware she is going to be upset thats all can really do

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm afraid she might do something drastic if I break up wit her, as in self-harm, and if it happens i will feel as though its my responsibility.

Unregistered wrote: »

Theres no history of this with her,

Unregistered wrote: »

but I myself went through a very rough patch before and wanted to "disappear".

Maybe she's a stronger person than you, despite not being ambitious enough, insecure.
She is probably well able to handle the breakup. Not to say that you're not a heart breaker and she'll probably be gutted to loose you.

useful_contacts

SarahSassy wrote: »

It will only hurt her more in the long run if you drag this out.

Meet her in her own home and he honest and up front with her - no need for the 'its not you, its me' lines. Tell her why is it finsihing and let her know that there will be no going back. Dont tell her its a break, tell her its over but gently. Lies wont help her but do be kind and gentle and expect a reaction from her. Its hard to see tears and hear crying when you have been instrumental in delivering bad news but you have to do it.

Good luck.

i agree with this

My ex broke up with me after 6 months after telling me he was head over heels in love with me. He said he thought he loved me but he didnt, I was in BITS - and i hated him for a long time after it

But as i got older i reliased im glad he did it(cos i met my now Fiance 3 months later) but also because it would have hurt me more if he kept pretending and then said it a year down the line (cos i would have been more emotionally invested and would have thought we were getting serious)

Dont prolong it- and tell her the exact reasons why(as you stated|) , this could be the reasons shes been dumped before and no one ever told her.So you could help her in her next relationship

Good luck:)

legend365

Im in near enough the same situation as the OP.

Its tough hurting people

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation for a couple of years (only got rough the last few months). I drove myself absolutely demented wondering how I'd end things...we were arguing constantly yet I was being told how much he loved me, couldn't live without me etc...

When it came to the break up, it was tough, there were tears and anger...what you expect but after a week...turns out he realised it was for the best and he got over it quicker than me!!

Don't drag things out if you're sure you want to end things...you'll only make yourself absoluely miserable!

SarahSassy

It is horrible having to do it. I had to break up with a fiance but I have no doubt that he is now glad I did it. He has moved on and married someone else and I can only assume that they are more happy then we were...

Its hurting them but its also freeing them to meet someone to absolutely love them.

Rebelheart

Break her heart; it will only make her stronger and, most probably, wake her up to f*uck about life and the world. In hindsight, having my heart broken was the best thing that ever happened me. This sort of emotional pain and suffering is good for the soul. It opens up all sorts of worlds from different music, more exercise, more education, learning a new language, building a deeper philosophy on life - and so much, much more. It builds your empathy, not usually immediately, but after the anger dies.

At any rate, if you don't love her, you should not be wasting her time as SarahSassy rightly says. It gets worse the longer you stay with somebody for the wrong reasons - and if sex and staying in your comfort zone are your only two reasons they are two very wrong reasons indeed.

Sex, while arguably necessary once you are getting it, is easy to get. Never mind the hype. There are so many great people out there that you, and she, can be with. There will always be other people for all of us - never mind that 'you're the only one for me' drama stuff.

LegacyUser

OP here.
Well, I have to say it, but boards.ie has certainly changed my life for the better, having read what the responses were, and thinking about it , I went cap in hand and explained the situation to her and that I didn't want it anymore. (in a kinda public place mind you)
The last 3/4 months, I've never been happier.
Maybe it was a comfort zone, but since I've been on my own i've done the things i want to do, and not have this pain from arguing all the time. I've not heard a word from her, cut all ties. I'm still a little sad from losing her and the way it ended up, but nothing that bad tbh.
Much prefer being on my own....it took until now for me to realise that it was seriously damaging me with the way it was going and that I'm happier not having to explain myself or being asked what im doing all the time.
FREEDOM (I'm guessing im not ready to settle with one person.....)

Sincere thank you to all of the people who replied.
If i ever met ya's, id buy ya a drink.
Thanks

Sephiroth_dude

You did the right thing,if your heart aint in it anymore it has to be done,best of luck to ya.

G86

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here.
Well, I have to say it, but boards.ie has certainly changed my life for the better, having read what the responses were, and thinking about it , I went cap in hand and explained the situation to her and that I didn't want it anymore. (in a kinda public place mind you)
The last 3/4 months, I've never been happier.
Maybe it was a comfort zone, but since I've been on my own i've done the things i want to do, and not have this pain from arguing all the time. I've not heard a word from her, cut all ties. I'm still a little sad from losing her and the way it ended up, but nothing that bad tbh.
Much prefer being on my own....it took until now for me to realise that it was seriously damaging me with the way it was going and that I'm happier not having to explain myself or being asked what im doing all the time.
FREEDOM (I'm guessing im not ready to settle with one person.....)

Sincere thank you to all of the people who replied.
If i ever met ya's, id buy ya a drink.
Thanks

I only saw this thread now, but just wanted to say fair play to you; sometimes hurting someone can be just as hard as getting hurt yourself, people don't realise that. Hope you're enjoying the single life OP, best of luck!:p

Semele

G86 wrote: »

I only saw this thread now, but just wanted to say fair play to you; sometimes hurting someone can be just as hard as getting hurt yourself, people don't realise that. Hope you're enjoying the single life OP, best of luck!:p

I fully agree with this...but just as a word of advice be careful when and in what circumstances you impart this particular bit of wisdom to someone!

It's a realisation you have to come to on your own, once the anger settles. I know from bitter (not any more though:)) experience that nothing adds insult to injury like the person dumping you having the nerve to say, as you cry your little eyes out: "Try and see this from my point of view, its as painful for me as it is for you". If I didn't commit murder then, I never will!