Problems at home- I just cant take it

LegacyUser

This may be quite long. Sorry...

I dont even know where to start. Im literally shaking with rage as im writing this, and im not an angry person. All this is because of my brother who lives at home, as do I, im only 19, hes 26.Tonight has just really shaken me and i need help or advice before things get out of control.

To start things off, my brother has mental problems. Not noticable to the outside world, but he has literally ripped my family apart. He frequently hurts himself to get himself put into hospital as its the only place he feels safe. H e also believes that he is dying, even though in the 5 years since this.....condition developed nothing has happened to him. Telling you all about him would take forever, there is just so much going on, but to cut a long story short he is basically unable to function mentally on his own.

Things really started to go down hill with us about 2 years ago. You see, i have a long history with self harm and depression, all leading to 2 failed suicide attempts when i was just 16. Thankfully i got help and have pretty much put that all behind me. Its still there but i have better ways to deal with it than i used to. One night when it was just me and my brother in the house he came downstairs to show me his arm, which he had cut to bits and asked me 'if he had done it right'. That night i lost all respect for him. I couldnt believe he would throw something like that in my face, knowing what i had been through. Ever since that night he has been a nightmare to live with.

My house is a constant warzone. Every single day there is a huge fight, its not a nice place to be. I spend most of my time alone in my room but now because of that im being called an 'anti-social b1tch'. These fights arent just arguments that are over in a few minutes, furniture gets thrown around, things get broken, and this happens at least 5 times a week. I just cant win. I cant bring myself to be down there and sit through that but i get in trouble for staying away from it all.

Also, my brother is a bully, he always was. Ever since I can remember we havent gotten along. There comes a point were it stops being sibling rivalry and becomes genuine contempt. He spends most of his time insulting me, calling me names, insulting my appearence, things I wouldnt even write here. Basically, he spends his time making me feel like sh1te. And it works. Even though ive gotten it all my life its getting harder and harder to take.

Tonight really pushed me over the edge though. Again, it was just me and him in the house so I spent most of the night in my room. About an hour ago I ordered some food and went down to eat it. From the second i sat down he start calling me names, the usual's like fatty and fat b1tch because I was eating. Then he started telling me to actually give him my dinner. I know it sounds stupid and spiteful but I would rather put it in the bin than give it to him. I told him this, so he got up from the couch and walked over, picked my plate up off my lap and threw it at me. All because I wouldnt let him have it.

I dont want to sound whiney or moany here, but i seriously dont know how much longer i can live like a stranger in my own home. Its getting to the stage now where im worrying for my own mental health. Id leave, but i have nowhere to go. Yes, i could stay with friends, but he'll still be here when I get back. My parents dont know what to do. He has no job, and no one he could even stay with. How lenient they are with him for everything he does is the cause of many fights in the house. I guess what im asking is for some advice on how to handel him better. Maybe im going about it the wrong way, but trying to stay away from him seems like the only thing for me to do.

I f anyone could please help, either him or me, it would be seriously appreciated. Sorry for how long this post is....and thats not even the half of it

Nevyn

I would suggest that you look at getting a safety order against your brother.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders

Cupcake_Crisis

I doubt a safety order would be much use. It sounds like its more mind games than physical violence.

Nevyn

A safety order is not just for physical but threatening behaviour and verbal assault as well.

Faith

If it were me, I'd get a job and move out asap. Just take yourself out of that environment. Remove the need to deal with him at all.

LegacyUser

A safety order is a good place to start but i have doubt as to whether it will help. just to point out the safety orders cover emotional and physical abuse and you would be able to obtain one. unfortunately it will only direct your brother to stop doing what he already shouldnt be doing. it basically reinforces the fact that what he is doing is against the law. on the other hand though, it will mean that if you make a complaint to the gardai about any breach of the order, they can arrest him without a warrant.

If your parents are willing (which it doesnt seem they are) they could obtain a barring order in under which your brother will have to leave the house.

My advice would be to talk to your parents about considering some sort of psychological help for him. He certainly is not stable and it is not safe for any of you to be around him as his behaviour is violent and aggressive.

You could also consider moving out, or staying with a relative if that is possible. either way the situation as it stands is not a good one.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

If it were me, I'd get a job and move out asap. Just take yourself out of that environment. Remove the need to deal with him at all.

Jobs are few and far between at the moment.

SarahMc

I don't think it is your place to get a Safety Order. It is your parent's house, and it is up to them to get this if they wish. I feel dreadfully sorry for them tbh.

You are 19, an adult, and have the capacity to be economically idependent, you really should move out.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

This does seem like a very dysfunctional situation, the fact that you and your brother have had issues with depression and self harming says that there has always been some kind of dysfunction going on around you.

I feel your parents have some responsibility here why have they let your brother get out of control and why are they letting him bully you.

They need to address the issues in their home and deal with it.

Until then you and your brother will always be left to just fight it out.

Are your parents volatile together, everything you and your brother are doing seems to be learned behaviour and you are both products of your environment.


I have seen in families where one person is made a scapegoat because they express all the anger for the family, your brother may need help and what your parents have been doing to help does not seem to be working.

It looks like you all need some family therapy and to understand the dynamics in your family and where the root cause for depression and self harming has come from.

leeroybrown

If I were in your position I'd actually have as much if not bigger of an issue with your parents as I'd have with your brother. They seem to be the ones who are unable or unwilling to do anything about the situation and persist in leaving you in this dangerous position. By the sounds if it they were doing this before you turned 18. It's obviously difficult for them but it's no excuse for them allowing your brother to abuse you.

Short of your parents having a much needed attitude adjustment, I think the only workable solution will be to somehow manage to move out. That way you won't need to see him (and to be quite honest them) all that often.

LegacyUser

Op here.Thanks for everyones responses. This has been going on for about 5 years and although we have got him help many many times he refuses to take it. My parents have put councellers and all in place, there has even been talk of having him sectioned but nothing was ever followed through on.

Unfortunately, ill be going back to college in September so wont have the time to have a full time job so i cant afford to move out unless i drop out of college althogether.

I do have a huge issue with how the entire situation is being handeled. Everytime i say that im told that he is their son, what do i want them to do?

Also staying with relatives isnt an option as most of them live down the country or outside Ireland. T o say i feel stuck is an understatement.

LegacyUser

I have a brother just like yours and we are both a lot older now.

If his behaviour is affecting your health you should see what you can do with your doctor /community welfare officer to find alternative accomadation.

Years later my brother is still unstable and I have lost contact with him. The last time I met him around 5 years back my parents arranged a dinner in a hotel and duped me into meeting him and it was an unmittigated disaster.

look after yourself first and foremost IMHO.

leeroybrown

Unregistered wrote: »

Everytime i say that im told that he is their son, what do i want them to do?

Wonderful parenting! You need to let them know the effect his behaviour is having on you and that they're letting it happen. They can't just ignore what's going on. They need to know that realistically only one of their two sons can live with them in the current situation.

LegacyUser

leeroybrown wrote: »

Wonderful parenting! You need to let them know the effect his behaviour is having on you and that they're letting it happen. They can't just ignore what's going on. They need to know that realistically only one of their two sons can live with them in the current situation.

Im a girl, just to let you know. And realistically id be the only one with any hope of being able to live alone so if i did say that to them id probably be told that i should pack up

leeroybrown

Unregistered wrote: »

Im a girl, just to let you know. And realistically id be the only one with any hope of being able to live alone so if i did say that to them id probably be told that i should pack up

Sorry - I misread your original post and thought you were male.

I'll go out on a limb and say that your parents seem to be 90% of the problem. Your older brother clearly has serious issues but your parents don't seem to have anything like that to absolve them of any blame. They're the ones letting the situation fester and they sound like they're happy to ignore (or possibly even permit) his behaviour. Quite frankly I'd want to be away from them as much as him if I were in your situation.

I'd love to be able to give you some advice about how to deal with your brother but unfortunately unless your family are genuinely trying to help him you'd only be putting yourself in harms way. Unless your parents make a genuine effort to help him then your only real option is to try to find some way to move out.

LegacyUser

I can empathise immensely. I am a sister with a similar brother.

Your parents are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and they will never pick you or him, no matter how unjust that is to you. There is also nothing that they can do that will "fix" him. There is no good way to deal with these situations. Accept that they will act in his best interests at his expense, accept that it hurts like hell and believe that it will make you a stronger and better person in the long run. There is nothing to be gained from fighting for your rights against him with them.

There are two things I can suggest.

The first is that you never present your parents with a him vs me argument, it gives them the opportunity to see you as the troublemaker, and they will take their frustration with the whole situation out on you. Where you need their assistance and/or support present it without any reference to him.

The second thing is to shut yourself down in the short term. You will be able to move out in the not too distant future. In the mean time he is simply the housemate from hell. A character such as his will gain immense satisfaction from seeing you hurt.
DO NOT REACT. EVER. EVER.
When he insults you, taunts you, or whatever, no matter how difficult it is, do not respond. Learn to ignore it all. Yes it is the purest form of torture, but it's the only way to deal with it. Know that you will get the opportunity to leave soon.

You will end up a much stronger person as a result of this. Difficult situations at work, people trying to get a rise out of you, bullies, they will all seem like absolute childsplay after this.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

What a difficult situation.

As previous posters have said there are a lot of issues and emotions wrapped up in this situation.

I would suggest you look after your own mental health first. Yout brother's issues are not something either you or your parents can solve. If you can't talk to your parents and moving out isn't an option then go to a counsellor, make sure somebody is listening to you and helping you deal with your emotions.

You have obviously been through a lot yourself and are a stronger person because of it. Stay strong and look after yourself.