What do I tell her?

unreg-guy

I have recently started seeing someone. She is really good looking, so she has attracted mostly the wrong type of guys before now. She is finding it hard to trust me because they were all only after one thing, but I'm different I love her for who she is. I have even told her I love her and she just said I couldn't or something. She thinks I'm going to leave her or cheat but I wont. She is obviously finding it hard to trust me. How can I change her opinion of guys, or at least just me? I want her to see I'm different to the others and I'm not going to cheat on her and I will look after her.

RedXIV

easy one OP. don't change. don't become unreliable, don't become dishonest and don't cheat on her. There are no magic words that will change her mind, only her experience with you.

You sound like a good guy, you'll have no problems.

RacoonQueen

The only thing you can do is be patient. It'll take her time to learn to trust you and realise that you are different, if you love her, as you say you do you can gain her trust that way.

Gyalist

unreg-guy wrote: »

I have recently started seeing someone. She is really good looking, so she has attracted mostly the wrong type of guys before now.

It's not her good looks that attract the "wrong type of guys." The wrong type of guy is attracted to her by her aura of vulnerability. A woman with healthy self-image and self-esteem would not attract these types or at least she'd be able to quickly get rid of them.

She is finding it hard to trust me because they were all only after one thing, but I'm different I love her for who she is.

What would that one thing be, sex? Since sex is at the very core of adult relationships it is not a good idea for you to repress your sexuality, unless, of course, you are happy with a chaste, non-sexual relationship.

I have even told her I love her and she just said I couldn't or something.

Whoa!! I thought that you only recently started seeing her. How well do you know this woman?
Anyway, her response is typical of someone with poor self-esteem. Are you aware of the past trauma that she may have suffered?

She thinks I'm going to leave her or cheat but I wont. She is obviously finding it hard to trust me.

Nothing that you say can help, only your actions.

How can I change her opinion of guys, or at least just me? I want her to see I'm different to the others and I'm not going to cheat on her and I will look after her.

You are trying to reverse behavour that she has probably learned since childhood. It is not going to be easy. In fact, these relationships can be quite emotionally draining. The greatest risk is that you get sucked into not being her boyfriend/lover but her therapist.

Thornography

RedXIV wrote: »

easy one OP. don't change. don't become unreliable, don't become dishonest and don't cheat on her. There are no magic words that will change her mind, only her experience with you.

In full agreement with this statement. I have a worrying girlfriend due to my previous status's AND her's, So were both in the same position as yourself. But Iv just been carrying on the way I am and shes been doing the same. She trusts me completely now and I her. I would never hurt her, cheat on her, e.t.c and I have told her this a number of times, But she'd would brush it off when mentioned. I'v just had to let nature take its course and prove through actions she's the one for me.

She`ll come round. Trust me.

unreg-guy

Gyalist wrote: »

It's not her good looks that attract the "wrong type of guys." The wrong type of guy is attracted to her by her aura of vulnerability. A woman with healthy self-image and self-esteem would not attract these types or at least she'd be able to quickly get rid of them.



What would that one thing be, sex? Since sex is at the very core of adult relationships it is not a good idea for you to repress your sexuality, unless, of course, you are happy with a chaste, non-sexual relationship.



Whoa!! I thought that you only recently started seeing her. How well do you know this woman?
Anyway, her response is typical of someone with poor self-esteem. Are you aware of the past trauma that she may have suffered?



Nothing that you say can help, only your actions.



You are trying to reverse behavour that she has probably learned since childhood. It is not going to be easy. In fact, these relationships can be quite emotionally draining. The greatest risk is that you get sucked into not being her boyfriend/lover but her therapist.

Yes I mean sex, but the others got ith her said they loved her and she stupidly gave it to them. Then they left her, they only used her. I like sex too and it is important but I want a relationship not some fun. I do know her fairly well, she's coming around slowly alright.

**Caroline**

Hi UnregGuy,

I totally agree with RedXIV and RacoonQueen. Trust is something that has to be earned over time. It's understandable that she might be weary given a few bad experiences in her past. It's not uncommon!

I think you just need to give her time. You can say you love her & will be faithful to her etc.. until you're blue in the face but you need to prove it to her and only time can allow this. Just hang in there, you sound like a decent bloke! And she will come around... gradually.

She is lucky to have a nice guy who thinks so much of her! Hope it all works out for you:) I love happy endings :D

SarahSassy

We have all been shat on but the sign that someone is ready for a healthy relationship is that they have put this behind them and are willing to look at their new partner as a new start and treat them as such. I said when I met my oh (my ex had cheated on me) was that he gets 100% trust from me straight up and only he can reduce that by his own behaviour.

Your gf I think knows you for a while but she still doesnt trust you - its not you - its anyone!!!

Think strongly about entering into this relationship as she may not be ready and you may end up pandering to her every mood and wish to make sure she doesnt think you are one of the bad guys.

My only advice - if you feel yourself starting to change your actions and our behaviour to feed her insecurity then get out..

AngryBadger

OP you need to realise the rpoblem here isn't you, it isn't even your problem. Your partner got involved with guys in the past who only wwanted sex. That's as much her fault as it is theirs, it's not as if someone put a gun to her head.

If she's making her inability to take responsibility for her own actions and foisting that on you, in spite of you genuinely caring for this girl, then there's very little you can do about that.

She needs to grow up and realise her own role in all this, at which point the futility of her current approach becomes apparent, and the lack of respect she's showing you also becomes apparent.