Ex seeing my "Friend"

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just found out my ex is seeing my friend (we were married for 12yrs) but broke up 2yrs ago.

I know I have no right to feel jealous/upset, but i feel i have had the knife twisted in my guts and can't eat or sleep. Thought i was over him but hearing this has really really hurt me all over again.

I know he is free to see whoever he want's but this feels too close to home. She didn't tell me either, she brought him to my work do tonight and they were all over each other - before he arrived she was txting and laughing .. I had to leave when i saw them together. it hurt too much.

reason we broke up was he cheated and treated me very badly. so I know that should be reason enough not to be concerned what he does. but i feel really upset over this. they both live close by and i know i will meet them very often. My question is - how do i finally get over him and move on?? i hate feeling this way, it's really affecting me. I havent met anyone myself and am looking after our kids while he lives the single life and doesn't take responsibility for our kids, so i don't have same freedom to meet ppl as easily. So what do i do, to move on, get over it, and also try to let them know it doesn't bother me, I feel so pathetic for letting myself get so worked up, but i actually feel betrayed, it's like my heart is breaking all over again.

Would really really appreciate some constructive help as this feels like it did when we first broke up? I'm obviously not over him.

thanks for reading

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

Just found out my ex is seeing my friend (we were married for 12yrs) but broke up 2yrs ago.

Can I just check: you were married to your ex for 12 years and broke up two years ago and the ex and friend are currently seeing each other - they aren't broken up.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

Can I just check: you were married to your ex for 12 years and broke up two years ago and the ex and friend are currently seeing each other - they aren't broken up.

Sorry, (really upset when i posted) meant to say - I was married for 12yrs to my ex and we broke up two years ago.. I only found out last night he was seeing my friend when, after her spending night on phone, txting and laughing he arrived at my work do.. and they were all over each other in front of me.

bluecell99

You will get over him - if you allow yourself to.Each minute you spend thinking and wondering makes the bond seem real and still there.Its natural enough after such a long time together.

No magic solution other than get yourself out there.Sounds cliched and flippant.Its not meant to be.But it is the answer.He has moved on from a relationship.Bully for him.Does not mean you cant.You can and you will.What does it matter who he is with?Dont let it bother you.Rise above it.

Yes it can be a little bit more awkwart initially given you live near each other plus the kids you have together.But take each day as it comes and try to focus on anything besides him and your friend.What about other friends?Can you spend more time suiting yourself and your interests?Make the effort.Loads of folk in the same boat.

it is there waiting for you.Guarantee it.Be kind to yourself and you will get there.No moping or self pity.You are entitled to that - but only for a while.You cant change whats happened but you can change how it will affect you.Make it work for you and day by the day the feelings will subside.

LegacyUser

bluecell99 wrote: »

You will get over him - if you allow yourself to.Each minute you spend thinking and wondering makes the bond seem real and still there.Its natural enough after such a long time together.

No magic solution other than get yourself out there.Sounds cliched and flippant.Its not meant to be.But it is the answer.He has moved on from a relationship.Bully for him.Does not mean you cant.You can and you will.What does it matter who he is with?Dont let it bother you.Rise above it.

Yes it can be a little bit more awkwart initially given you live near each other plus the kids you have together.But take each day as it comes and try to focus on anything besides him and your friend.What about other friends?Can you spend more time suiting yourself and your interests?Make the effort.Loads of folk in the same boat.

it is there waiting for you.Guarantee it.Be kind to yourself and you will get there.No moping or self pity.You are entitled to that - but only for a while.You cant change whats happened but you can change how it will affect you.Make it work for you and day by the day the feelings will subside.

Thanks Bluecell, (think i may have submitted a half finished reply by mistake.. apologies for that) but your right i should get myself out there.. right now i feel totally devasted. My friend instisted I go to that work do, knowing full well she was going to bring him and never said a word to me - so I really feel awful. Especially since she knew how badly he treated me, she was the one telling me I could do so much better etc..

I know its 2yrs since we split up - and it shouldn't matter who he's wit, and it's none of my business really, but I can't help how i feel. It's like i've lost both ppl i was closest to.

Maybe if i had met someone it wouldn't bother me, but as it is, I have the kids, (he Never takes them) so it's not easy for me to get out there. I hate to say this but I feel trapped. I'll admit I'm jealous that he can live the single carefree life while i'm left holding the baby so to speak, just wish I wasn't so upset by this. I just wish I could shake this awful feeling thats dragging me down again.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. It does help.

Thank you

LegacyUser

It seems to me that this woman isn't your friend anymore.

Leave them to it, it sounds like they deserve each other.

dudara

It really sounds as if this woman isn't your friend. Let's say that the two of them have a genuine relationship - if she really was your friend, she would have made sure to break the news to you in an appropriate manner.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

It really sounds as if this woman isn't your friend. Let's say that the two of them have a genuine relationship - if she really was your friend, she would have made sure to break the news to you in an appropriate manner.

I agree completely, she's obviously no friend of mine, I have shared everything with her, she know's everything he put me through. And it's so hard to believe she could do that to me? I just wish I could shake this feeling, and stop thinking about them together, it's not healthy, i know. They both knew that'd really hurt me, and didn't seem to care.

Wish there was a way i could just forget them and be happy, and show them i am better than that. But I can't stop thinking about them, and how he must be treating her so nice, the way he should've treated me? I know it must sound pathetic after two years... but i can't help how i feel. Even been thinking how'll I get back at them.. and that's not healthy either... Just want to stop feeling so low

Boxcarwillie

This is enough to get you dpressed if you let it. All your thinking moments are been engulfed by this at the expense of everything else. He cheated before so your well rid of him. Typical reaction when you see something you know is not available to you. It's probably the loss of the friend that's the biggest hurt and is replicating the loss of the relationship with your husband. Find the positives in your life and focus on these, (difficult I know ) and your revenge will be when this new relationship goes pear shaped, as you will agree from knowing him, it almost certainly will.
Keep the head up and be strong. Youll feel better and stronger for it.

CDfm

I dont really want to say thems the breaks but it was fairly heartless of the 2 of them to be at your work do together. You should have no problems in saying that as most normal people believe that.Its not the done thing because it upsets people.

I am a divorced Dad and had huge problems getting access as the kids would be left with anyone but me.You should have no problem increasing overnight access for him on weekends if that helps you out of your predicament in going out.

He is probably perfectly capable of looking after the kids overnight regularily and being a single parent with all the extra work that entails doesnt make it easy to get out. JUst look at it as acquiring some babysitting resourse.

LegacyUser

Boxcarwillie wrote: »

This is enough to get you dpressed if you let it. All your thinking moments are been engulfed by this at the expense of everything else. He cheated before so your well rid of him. Typical reaction when you see something you know is not available to you. It's probably the loss of the friend that's the biggest hurt and is replicating the loss of the relationship with your husband. Find the positives in your life and focus on these, (difficult I know ) and your revenge will be when this new relationship goes pear shaped, as you will agree from knowing him, it almost certainly will.
Keep the head up and be strong. Youll feel better and stronger for it.

I wouldn't normally be a spiteful person, but I hope your right, and it does go pear-shaped. I know this sounds like self pity, but i feel it's so unfair that after he treated me so badly, he can find someone and be happy. He was very nasty, he really made me suffer, it seems so unfair that i'm still unhappy and he obviously is having a great time.

I hate feeling hurt/jealous and even thinking about revenge.. that's not me, Best revenge would be to find happiness again, but i can't seem to. And as you say all my thinking thoughts are being engulfed by them, and they don't deserve the head space, I just can't seem to let it go, but this is how i feel, and wish i didn't. It just seems so unfair. Trying to focus on the positives ie the kids but this has really hurt more that i thought it would after all this time.

Again, thank you for taking time to read and respond, i really need all the help i can get to get me out of this horrible place

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I dont really want to say thems the breaks but it was fairly heartless of the 2 of them to be at your work do together. You should have no problems in saying that as most normal people believe that.Its not the done thing because it upsets people.

I am a divorced Dad and had huge problems getting access as the kids would be left with anyone but me.You should have no problem increasing overnight access for him on weekends if that helps you out of your predicament in going out.

He is probably perfectly capable of looking after the kids overnight regularily and being a single parent with all the extra work that entails doesnt make it easy to get out. JUst look at it as acquiring some babysitting resourse.

If only it were that easy - last overnight he had with them - he left them for hours, after being called to a "meeting" at 10.45pm... recently left them alone and took off on hols, told them not to tell me where he was and to just go home to my house after school. Never informed me he wouldn't be around. He takes them when it suits HIM.. (which is hardly ever) it's gone to the stage now where they won't go to him because of his behaviour.. since we broke up he has suited himself - he will not let the kids interfere with his holidays/social life - and now that he is with someone else.. he will never take them.

LegacyUser

Both him and your friend sound incredibly pathetic.

If they genuinely cared about each other they would not feel the need to flaunt the relationship in front of you like this. They could have told you privately, they could have come to the work do and been discreetly together. They didn't. They had to make sure you knew.

At least one of them, if not both, has based their whole relationship on upsetting you.

In a really weird way, that shows that they care about you, or maybe uncare is a better way of putting it. For whatever twisted reason, they are absolutely desperate to provoke a reaction and mess with your head. In the game they're playing, seeing you upset is "the win".

In their desperation to demonstrate that you're nothing to them, they have actually publicly declared to your entire workplace that you're worthy of all their attention and focus.

They're childish, pathetic and incredibly sad.
In fact they're so childish, pathetic and sad, they're not actually worth getting upset over in any way, shape or form.

If I were you, I would smile to yourself at just what idiots they have proved themselves to me and thank your lucky stars that your friend and your ex have made it easy for you to remove themselves from your life.

LegacyUser

laughatthem wrote: »

Both him and your friend sound incredibly pathetic.

If they genuinely cared about each other they would not feel the need to flaunt the relationship in front of you like this. They could have told you privately, they could have come to the work do and been discreetly together. They didn't. They had to make sure you knew.

At least one of them, if not both, has based their whole relationship on upsetting you.

In a really weird way, that shows that they care about you, or maybe uncare is a better way of putting it. For whatever twisted reason, they are absolutely desperate to provoke a reaction and mess with your head. In the game they're playing, seeing you upset is "the win".

In their desperation to demonstrate that you're nothing to them, they have actually publicly declared to your entire workplace that you're worthy of all their attention and focus.

They're childish, pathetic and incredibly sad.
In fact they're so childish, pathetic and sad, they're not actually worth getting upset over in any way, shape or form.

If I were you, I would smile to yourself at just what idiots they have proved themselves to me and thank your lucky stars that your friend and your ex have made it easy for you to remove themselves from your life.

Wow, didn't think of it like that, my ex knew I was going to be there, because my daughter told him. And my friend insisted I go... even wanted to know what i was going to be wearing etc..? I don't understand why they would deliberately set out to humiliate me like that tho, I have done nothing to either of them. I dont think either of them value me or my feelings enough to care how it affected me. One good thing about it tho is that they didn't see me upset.. i left discreetly. I'm so sick of him having the last laugh, which is why the thoughts of getting back at them entered my head in the first place. Your right tho, they are pathetic, and i'm not deliberately getting upset over them, but it has really knocked me back.

LegacyUser

People like that are poison, they deserve each other and you are well shot of both of them.

I am going through something similar (shorter timescales but the feelings you describe are very similar) and what helps me is thinking this: Feeling this way and giving the headspace to them is hurting no-one except me. It's not hurting them but it's destroying me. If I catch myself thinking about it I don't beat myself up over it but I go "my friend, you're only hurting yourself, try and give it a rest there".
Someone on here recently used a turn of phrase that helped me a lot as well: you might as well go down and give the sea a few slaps for being wet as get mad at them for it. Not to condone their behaviour at all, but to try to accept that they're going to do whatever the hell they're going to do and you can't control it. Plus the image makes me smile

Time will make this easier but you are the only person who can keep your own head healthy - hang in there.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

If only it were that easy - last overnight he had with them - he left them for hours, after being called to a "meeting" at 10.45pm... recently left them alone and took off on hols, told them not to tell me where he was and to just go home to my house after school. Never informed me he wouldn't be around. He takes them when it suits HIM.. (which is hardly ever) it's gone to the stage now where they won't go to him because of his behaviour.. since we broke up he has suited himself - he will not let the kids interfere with his holidays/social life - and now that he is with someone else.. he will never take them.

I found it hard myself but thats the irish system.

A few pointers -Dads leave the system without much access and child contact broken and it is difficult to reconnect with kids.I m stretching to give your ex the benefit of the doubt here.One of the really stressful parts of my access probs meant that I could not make plans.

You need to get this sorted into some type of shared parenting regime and i suggest contacting gingerbread and even parental equality

http://www.gingerbread.ie/

http://www.parentalequality.ie/pe/default.asp

The second group is a bit of a mens group but dont be put off.

What Im saying is that you need time to rebuild and he needs to put time and resourse in. Whether he has his parents ,brothers or sisters or babysitters in the kids need supervision.

This is where I would start.

Best of luck to you.

The work do thing with your ex and friend was mean. Put it aside and just dont say anything but if asked just say something short like "it was embarrassing and I didnt need it" and leave it at that.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I found it hard myself but thats the irish system.

A few pointers -Dads leave the system without much access and child contact broken and it is difficult to reconnect with kids.I m stretching to give your ex the benefit of the doubt here.One of the really stressful parts of my access probs meant that I could not make plans.

You need to get this sorted into some type of shared parenting regime and i suggest contacting gingerbread and even parental equality

http://www.gingerbread.ie/

http://www.parentalequality.ie/pe/default.asp

The second group is a bit of a mens group but dont be put off.

What Im saying is that you need time to rebuild and he needs to put time and resourse in. Whether he has his parents ,brothers or sisters or babysitters in the kids need supervision.

This is where I would start.

Best of luck to you.

The work do thing with your ex and friend was mean. Put it aside and just dont say anything but if asked just say something short like "it was embarrassing and I didnt need it" and leave it at that.

Thanks CDfm - You are to be commended for making efforts to be with your kids. But the problem is he doesn't want them unless he has nothing else on... which is extremely rare. we had agreed one wk night and alternate w/ends - but he has never once stuck to it. I can't force him to take the kids - mostly because i don't want my kids to be forced to go where they are not wanted and are made feel like a hinderence. It'd be great to be given the chance to rebuild my life but he has made damn sure i get no freedom if he can help it

wasper

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

Just found out my ex is seeing my friend (we were married for 12yrs) but broke up 2yrs ago.

I know I have no right to feel jealous/upset, but i feel i have had the knife twisted in my guts and can't eat or sleep. Thought i was over him but hearing this has really really hurt me all over again.

I know he is free to see whoever he want's but this feels too close to home. She didn't tell me either, she brought him to my work do tonight and they were all over each other - before he arrived she was txting and laughing .. I had to leave when i saw them together. it hurt too much.

reason we broke up was he cheated and treated me very badly. so I know that should be reason enough not to be concerned what he does. but i feel really upset over this. they both live close by and i know i will meet them very often. My question is - how do i finally get over him and move on?? i hate feeling this way, it's really affecting me. I havent met anyone myself and am looking after our kids while he lives the single life and doesn't take responsibility for our kids, so i don't have same freedom to meet ppl as easily. So what do i do, to move on, get over it, and also try to let them know it doesn't bother me, I feel so pathetic for letting myself get so worked up, but i actually feel betrayed, it's like my heart is breaking all over again.

Would really really appreciate some constructive help as this feels like it did when we first broke up? I'm obviously not over him.

thanks for reading

She is not a friend. She showed no sensitivity by inviting him to the party. And when he does the dirty one her, she will be crawling back to you for support. Because you work with her, keep the distance & civility at minimum. If you don't have to deal with her at work then that will be easier. Don't let them grind you down. Be strong for your children & I hope you meet a nice guy that will appreciate your qualities.

LegacyUser

az09 wrote: »

People like that are poison, they deserve each other and you are well shot of both of them.

I am going through something similar (shorter timescales but the feelings you describe are very similar) and what helps me is thinking this: Feeling this way and giving the headspace to them is hurting no-one except me. It's not hurting them but it's destroying me. If I catch myself thinking about it I don't beat myself up over it but I go "my friend, you're only hurting yourself, try and give it a rest there".
Someone on here recently used a turn of phrase that helped me a lot as well: you might as well go down and give the sea a few slaps for being wet as get mad at them for it. Not to condone their behaviour at all, but to try to accept that they're going to do whatever the hell they're going to do and you can't control it. Plus the image makes me smile

Time will make this easier but you are the only person who can keep your own head healthy - hang in there.

That's a great way of looking at it, I know I can't control what they do, and by the looks of it they will do whatever they want. I have to try to control how i let it affect me, i really thought i was well past all this, but obviously not yet.

I am definately going to take on board all that was advised and try to get them out of my head, but when they are in your face almost everyday it's going to be tough... still hope the tables turn sooner rather than later tho.. it'd make a nice change!

Thanks

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks CDfm - You are to be commended for making efforts to be with your kids. But the problem is he doesn't want them unless he has nothing else on... which is extremely rare. we had agreed one wk night and alternate w/ends - but he has never once stuck to it.

Thanks.

You need to get a routine going and insist on it even if his parents or a babysitter does the job.

I suggested the Parental Equality link as it deals with fathers and even grandparents etc - he may need lessons.

I can't force him to take the kids - mostly because i don't want my kids to be forced to go where they are not wanted and are made feel like a hinderence. It'd be great to be given the chance to rebuild my life but he has made damn sure i get no freedom if he can help it

Well you need to -everyone needs a break.

You need to establish with him that he or his parents etc take the kids and they have access to them to or he should pay for babysitters.

I wasted a lot of time and would not do so again.

Best of luck OP:)

SarahSassy

laughatthem wrote: »

Both him and your friend sound incredibly pathetic.

If they genuinely cared about each other they would not feel the need to flaunt the relationship in front of you like this. They could have told you privately, they could have come to the work do and been discreetly together. They didn't. They had to make sure you knew.

At least one of them, if not both, has based their whole relationship on upsetting you.

In a really weird way, that shows that they care about you, or maybe uncare is a better way of putting it. For whatever twisted reason, they are absolutely desperate to provoke a reaction and mess with your head. In the game they're playing, seeing you upset is "the win".

In their desperation to demonstrate that you're nothing to them, they have actually publicly declared to your entire workplace that you're worthy of all their attention and focus.

They're childish, pathetic and incredibly sad.
In fact they're so childish, pathetic and sad, they're not actually worth getting upset over in any way, shape or form.

If I were you, I would smile to yourself at just what idiots they have proved themselves to me and thank your lucky stars that your friend and your ex have made it easy for you to remove themselves from your life.

This is the closest to the truth.... Good post.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Look, you were married to this guy for twelve yearsband he cheated on you, he'll probably do the same to your 'friend'! He doesn't seem to have any boundaries if he's seeing your 'friend' , so no reason why he won't do it again. In a strange way you should probably feel sorry for her because it sounds like the future for them is inevitable and she was privy to how he treated you (she's going in with her eyes wide open). Please don't confuse 'not being over him' with the fact that he is with somebody, we've all been there and it's always tough when an ex gets with someone new. It sounds to me that you're better off without him and I believe if their relationship was worth anything, she should have told you instead of just showing up with him. Living local is going to be hard but I really think you should hold you're head high and be glad that you don't have to live out your life with this spineless character. Look to the future and do your best to stay positive. I know it must be difficult being the sole parent and it must be lonely at times but girl the stars are there for the taking.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP,
Look, you were married to this guy for twelve yearsband he cheated on you, he'll probably do the same to your 'friend'! He doesn't seem to have any boundaries if he's seeing your 'friend' , so no reason why he won't do it again. In a strange way you should probably feel sorry for her because it sounds like the future for them is inevitable and she was privy to how he treated you (she's going in with her eyes wide open). Please don't confuse 'not being over him' with the fact that he is with somebody, we've all been there and it's always tough when an ex gets with someone new. It sounds to me that you're better off without him and I believe if their relationship was worth anything, she should have told you instead of just showing up with him. Living local is going to be hard but I really think you should hold you're head high and be glad that you don't have to live out your life with this spineless character. Look to the future and do your best to stay positive. I know it must be difficult being the sole parent and it must be lonely at times but girl the stars are there for the taking.

As far as i'm concerned now they are welcome to each other. I'm Still hurting, but that's life i guess. I hope your right and i am just confusing not being over him with it being hard seeing him with someone else. I really did think i was over him, But your right, i should be happy i'm not living my life someone like him, and as one poster so rightly said.. they made it very easy for me to remove both of them from my life.

Just want to thank you all for taking time to help me with this