How do I find someone who I haven't seen in nearly 19 years?

liah

I know this isn't really the place to post it, but I've got a lot going through my head.

The last time I saw my father I was three years old and he was on just about every drug under the sun and beating the crap out of my mother when the cops took him away. I never saw hide nor hair of him since (much less child support payments, but that's another story entirely). I'm nearly 22 now.

I want to find him again. And not for some kind of revenge thing, I'm just.. curious. A lot can change in 19 years. I want to know what happened to him. How long he spent in prison. Where he's been since. Is he alive? Is he still a horrible person? Has he reformed? Does he have family? Do I have brothers, sisters? I was raised an only child, brothers or sisters would be so strange. I want to know who he is. I want to know about him. I want to know where my DNA comes from, I guess.

I don't think any of you can really help me find him. He's American/German (last saw him in California), so anything Irish wouldn't help. My mother can't help either, as she got a restraining order out on him after many years of abuse, and she refused to get in contact with him, and subsequently, when we moved to Canada, lost any mode of contact, and never once gave him any address of ours out of fear of him tracking us down.

I've tried using the internet but anything that turns up any kind of remote chance of being able to track him down I would have to pay a fortune for, and I just don't have the money.

I guess my real question is.. should I? Should I even bother trying to track him down? After 19 years and all the abuse he put my mother through? I don't even know what I would do if I found out anything about him. I wouldn't know what to say to him if I got the chance to speak to him. I just.. don't know.

But I can't help being curious. I just don't know if it's a good idea or not. I guess the worst that could happen is that I find out he's dead or in prison or something. Or he wouldn't remember who I am.

What do I do? Should I keep searching? Is there a point?

Overheal

Its entirely up to you whether you want to keep searching. Talk about a complex issue.

The best way to find him would be a Social Security Number. However I highly doubt you have any record of this left over. Check your Birth Certificate if you were born in the US. Alternatively depending on the abuse he may show up in the sex offender's registry. Other than that, if you know the name of his relatives or ways of contacting them, that would narrow your search a lot. You could also try - though I doubt they will oblige but what the hell - is to write a snail mail to whatever Police Department or Judiciary handled his arrest*, and see if they have any records which might help you discover the whereabouts of your father.

Whether you should or not, I can't say. It could be a risky way to seek closure - you don't know whether he will show up with a new family, a completely changed person who may not want to communicate with you, or he could be deceased, or in prison, or on the streets. I don't think the chances are good you will find someone to develop a relationship with. On the other hand letting go may be its own reward. Its your own call I'm afraid.

*usually wise to email first and see if they will do it. If they will, they will usually at that point ask for a written request for security reasons.

Jesus Wept

liah wrote: »

Should I keep searching? Is there a point?

Yes, you want to.

Good luck with it.

caff

If you know what bank he was with last he could still have the same account, make a small lodgement and add a phone number email adress or whatnot into the details section.

bushy...

liah wrote: »

I've tried using the internet but anything that turns up any kind of remote chance of being able to track him down I would have to pay a fortune for

A lot of those may just lead nowhere even if you paid anyway , just a sick way to con people out of money

liah

Thanks Overheal. I don't have his SSN, my mother kind of destroyed all record of him. I've spoken to her about finding him and she's just said she wanted to keep clear of him, so if I find him not to tell him where she is. She's pretty terrified of him, which is a little unsettling. Anyway, I don't have my birth certificate, she has it at home in Canada, so I can't use that either.. I have an old form that has his old drivers' license number on it, but I'm not sure how to use it.

I don't think he has a sex offender history, I'm not entirely sure, I think it was all domestic violence, but regardless I checked the sex offender's registry for California, I couldn't find anything there. I might check the one for Arizona, as I know his family was from there-- or at least his parents were living there when I was small. He may or may not have returned. He has sisters but my mother can't remember their names. I don't think she remembers his parents' names, either.

I'll try and find out what district we were in when he assaulted my mother that time, we moved around the state a lot, mostly keeping to Long Beach and Seal Beach though so I'll try them.

As you can tell there's a lot to the story that even I don't know, which makes this thing a lot more difficult to just let lie. She doesn't like to talk about it, so I don't pressure her to, she's gone through enough.

I joined a Facebook group for my surname, as it's his, hoping I could try to find some sort of clue through that, but no success. It was a long shot anyway, can't say I was surprised.

Anyway thanks for your suggestions so far guys. I'm still conflicted as to whether or not this is a good idea. Suppose I can figure that out if/when I find out how to contact him, if he's still alive.

Edit: interesting post for #666...

Affable

192.com?

Overheal

liah wrote: »

I have an old form that has his old drivers' license number on it, but I'm not sure how to use it.

Im not sure how useful that would be. Probably long since expired. Especially if he had it suspended or revoked at any stage, which youre suggesting may be likely. Hang onto it anyway.

The biggest obstacle here is Privacy Issues. If you were a cop and this were part of some investigation this kind of information would be piss to retrieve. However not just anyone can ask for that kind of information. Legal Issues abound. Hence why a Licensed Private Investigator might not be a bad solution. Given youre a direct relative however theres at least a chance if you contact the courts or a police department armed with the information you have, they'll give you the time of day.

Edit: interesting post for #666...

metrovelvet

Youd be surprised what is public information.

Pay a small fee to a US law student to do a lexus nexis search.

As for your birthcert you can request a copy from the jurisdiction you were born in.

Faith

You have to bear in mind that he might have died in the last 19 years too. How would that make you feel? Be sure that you're prepared to deal with the consequences of what you find - you're opening a big can of worms. But I wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

A friend of mine was abandoned by her mother and she decided she wanted to find her, which she did after more than 20 years apart. While they will never have a mother/daughter relationship or even be good friends, she doesnt regret doing it. If you are thinking about it then it's best to know, even if you find out something you mightn't want to hear.

Overheal

Pardon the zombie bump but I've just learned of another tool which may help...kind of.

If you manage to find the SNN you can run it and at least ascertain if he is still alive:


Social Security Death Index

upmeath

liah wrote: »

I guess my real question is.. should I? Should I even bother trying to track him down?

I don't see the point in reopening wounds that only caused pain in the past. Unless you're trying to get back at your mother for something recent by reestablishing your relationship with your father, I can't see any plausible reason for it. If he needed closure, you'll give him that, and he'll think he's won because you've come back looking for him, but you won't feel any better for having done it.

At the same time, if you're willing to find him, and you feel it might give you some closure, who are the good people of boards to stop you?

It's been mentioned several times above that he might be on a registered sex offenders' list given his violent behaviour in the past. Simply typing a U.S. ZIP code into Google, nothing else, will return the names and addresses of all registered sex offenders in that area. So perhaps combining your surname with potential ZIP codes where he's known to have lived/where he has family living could throw up a few results.

Good luck, I really hope finding him doesn't cause you any more grief.

omega42

What info do you have about him? do you have a DOB? Try searching local newspapers where you may think he is/was. put his name and age into papers search engines might bring up results.

Was he a religious man? check church records around where you think your grandparents lived. If you find them then maybe there will be some geneologagy records in the town there from.

There may be a chance that he is still in prision. this site gives you a list of possible ways to search for an inmate

http://www.ancestorhunt.com/prison_search.htm (havent used it so cant varafy it).

I have also heard that the salvation army might be able to help