Can I be a dad to daughter I never met now that she's 15?

LegacyUser

Hi

16 years ago when I was only 18 and in first year in college I slept with a girl who later found out she was pregnant and said I was the baby's father. I denied it at the time to my family and friends and said that she had probably slept with someone else as well. Deep down though I knew that the baby was mine.

Instead of facing up to it I left college, she continued on and had a baby girl. I never had any contact with her or the baby after that. I only saw the baby once and that was by chance when she was with her mother.

I have known for the past year that my daughter who is now 15 goes to a boarding school in the town where I work. I know this because I saw her with her mother in a shop in the town wearing her school uniform. I have been thinking about the situation.

I know her mother is married but has no other children and that her mother's husband treats my daughter like his own and has been the only father she has known since she was a toddler. I am now 34, not married, have no other children and was adopted myself. Im not sure if my daughter thinks her mom's husband is her biological dad or not.

I dont want to cause any trouble for my daughter, her mom or her dad but I regret the way things have turned out and would like to make contact with her.

What should I do?

metrovelvet

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi

16 years ago when I was only 18 and in first year in college I slept with a girl who later found out she was pregnant and said I was the baby's father. I denied it at the time to my family and friends and said that she had probably slept with someone else as well. Deep down though I knew that the baby was mine.

Instead of facing up to it I left college, she continued on and had a baby girl. I never had any contact with her or the baby after that. I only saw the baby once and that was by chance when she was with her mother.

I have known for the past year that my daughter who is now 15 goes to a boarding school in the town where I work. I know this because I saw her with her mother in a shop in the town wearing her school uniform. I have been thinking about the situation.

I know her mother is married but has no other children and that her mother's husband treats my daughter like his own and has been the only father she has known since she was a toddler. I am now 34, not married, have no other children and was adopted myself. Im not sure if my daughter thinks her mom's husband is her biological dad or not.

I dont want to cause any trouble for my daughter, her mom or her dad but I regret the way things have turned out and would like to make contact with her.

What should I do?

Firstly realize no matter what you do a certain amount of trouble will be caused.

You could start by writing a letter to her mother saying what you said here and send it and let it sit. Dont be surprised if you hear nothing back.it will cause emotions to run high. The mother may not take it seriously as youve abandoned the child for the past 15 years and have lost credibility. So if that happens try again in a couple months. Maybe send a photo? Nothing is unforgiveable and you probably caused many tears and you cannot buy back time. And this could take alot of time.

LegacyUser

I'd advise leaving the situation as is until the girl is at least 16, and preferably 18. She is in a stable family environment, is entering her exam years and would have her life turned upside down at a critical time for her.
I 'became' a father late in the day too, when my kid was 13 and came to live with me. But I'd always been in her life and she always knew me as her dad.
Even the transfer of custody, which was what she wished, was difficult for her though, and has disrupted her life and schoolwork somewhat.
I appreciate you may wish to do the right thing, but it strikes me that perhaps you're acting from a sense of guilt over walking away initially. The child's needs are paramount, and in all the ways that matter, you are not her father since you long ago turned down that responsibility and someone else has taken it up.
If you still feel the same way in a couple of years time, contact her mother and explain to her your feelings. But if you aren't prepared to be knocked back, or conversely to take an active role in her life, then don't rock their boat.

brendanuk

OP why do you want to get involved now and havent wanted over the last 15 years? Is it for yourself or your daughter?

I was 15 when I found out the man who had raised me, the man whom I regarded as my father was not my biological father. It was a shock I can tell you. I set about finding my biological father, to help me understand who I was. I met my biological father twice. We got on well, it was nerve racking at first, but after the first time I met him the second meeting went well. Turned out he was also a bassist back in the day.

Unfortunately he had another life, with a son who was 2 or 3 years younger than me and twin boys 12/13 years younger than me. He was also married and had not told his wife about me. I would love to have a relationship with him. I have never even met my "brothers".

I would write a letter to the mother of your girl and ask her. At least when the daughter finds out about you, (which she will) she'll know you have tried to make contact.

Best of luck op

Queencake

Get in contact with the mother like others have said. But don't expect much.

What do you want from this? To ease your guilt? To enjoy a daughter-father relationship?

I feel sorry for the mother tbh. Imagine how hard it was on her. You do owe her an apology but I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't give you the time of day.

Abi

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi

16 years ago when I was only 18 and in first year in college I slept with a girl who later found out she was pregnant and said I was the baby's father. I denied it at the time to my family and friends and said that she had probably slept with someone else as well. Deep down though I knew that the baby was mine.

Instead of facing up to it I left college, she continued on and had a baby girl. I never had any contact with her or the baby after that. I only saw the baby once and that was by chance when she was with her mother.

I have known for the past year that my daughter who is now 15 goes to a boarding school in the town where I work. I know this because I saw her with her mother in a shop in the town wearing her school uniform. I have been thinking about the situation.

I know her mother is married but has no other children and that her mother's husband treats my daughter like his own and has been the only father she has known since she was a toddler. I am now 34, not married, have no other children and was adopted myself. Im not sure if my daughter thinks her mom's husband is her biological dad or not.

I dont want to cause any trouble for my daughter, her mom or her dad but I regret the way things have turned out and would like to make contact with her.

What should I do?

I also agree with writing to her Mum. You don't need any of us to tell you that you made some pretty lousey choices. You pretty much made out to your parents and whoever asked you about it -that the baby wasn't yours. So the basic assumption for anyone who believed you, is that her Mum just slept around. Whatever the reason you've decided you want contact with your daughter, you have to realise you've hurt her Mum too I'd say. I'd bear that in mind before you put a pen to paper.

Before you even do that, have you asked yourself why you want to see your daughter? and why now? what do you think triggered it? You are going to have to be pretty sure of yourself before you begin any contact. Because if you find out further down the line that you arent able for this or its too much for you to handle - you are going to look a hell of a lot worse if you decide to just drop the lot again. This time, you aren't dealing with a baby that understands nothing. You will be dealing with an opinionated teenager, and if you hurt her shes not likely to forget it in a hurry.

Lollipops23

Honestly?Leave her be.
Perhaps write a letter to her mother and give her contact details for yourself, should they ever want to contact you. But you abandoned them and never, in 15 years, tried to make a go of it. You caused her mum a world of hurt, denying you were the kids dad, pretty much making out she was a slut. really awful thing to do.
They've made it this far without you. Think they can carry on without you too.

Salome

Leave them alone. You denied the child and gave the impressedion that her mother slept around - you don't deserve a relationship with her. Why now? Is it because your ex and your daughter looked like a happy family when you saw them together and you realised that your life is pretty worthless in comparison? Don't be so bloody selfish - you'd happily turn your child's world upside down during the most important years of her life because you've decided you want to play daddy at last? Cop on, grow up and leave her alone. Who do you think you are??? If she wants to find you when she's 18 so be it but I think she'd be better off not knowing she has a selfish lying father.

Mr. Incognito

Hmmm.

I had my son when I was 22. I guess it can be hard but to be honest mate, you blew it. In your defence you were 18 and a stupid kid.

It depends, are you getting in touch for HER or for YOU.

How would you feel if she was happy being blissfully unaware of you and her mother had never told her? Would you be happy for her or sad for you?

It's hard to know what your intentions are but you'd best be very very careful here.

Can you be a Dad now? No. She's grown up. That bird has flown. You can be a pal if that's what she wants but your romantic image of the Dad, daughter McDonalds meal ad? Get real.

LegacyUser

People change so please give this guy a break! I was in a similar situation when I was 18 and it was the most frightening experience I have ever gone through - ie. fathering a child when you're literally only a child yourself. I thought about opting out, but instead remained responsible and married the girl and raised my child.
This guy has taken the route I could have taken, he's admitted his actions were cowardly and now wants to make amends. Here's my advice!
Open a bank account and each week put money into it for your daughter, at least if she wants to go to college you can gift her parents something to assist when the time comes.
Do write to her mother, but simply apologise to her for your actions back then and leave your contact details. Insist that you're leaving it up to her to make contact when she as a mother feels the time is right.
You really should admire this other man for stepping into your shoes and accepting your own flesh and blood as his. I believe he is the one person in your post who has shown true courage and has lived an unselfish life.
Don't let the other posters here beat you up about your actions as an 18 year old. Don't become an 80 year old with terrible regrets, attempt to make contact, but if they respond positively you have to be there for her, you can't reject her a second time.
Advice about exams is very very true so as I've advised let her Mum make the decision, one letter to the mum with your address and leave it at that.

CDfm

If her mother had wanted anything from you no doubt she would have been in touch. That said if you did get in touch what reason could you have?

Im sure in the current economic climate if you had a couple or 10 or 20 grand to put asside in a college or education fund it would not go amiss.

It really will depend on what the mother has told her - they may think you are the lowest of the low or not. I wonder if you would have been interested if the people you saw were covered in body piercings and whatever.

Depending on your intentions I would probably go to a Solictor and seek advice on what approach you can make discreetly to the mother.

My name is URL

I'm a firm believer in rights for fathers. Even if you made mistakes in your past and are now willing to accept that, you have a right to request access to your child.

You should try to contact the mother first and if she denies you a chance to explain yourself then go down the mediatory road.

All the best

CDfm

My name is URL wrote: »

I'm a firm believer in rights for fathers. Even if you made mistakes in your past and are now willing to accept that, you have a right to request access to your child.

You should try to contact the mother first and if she denies you a chance to explain yourself then go down the mediatory road.

All the best

Im a divorced Dad and have a 15 yo daughter - I went to court for access and was out of touch for a while.

While I can get your concern you cant just parachute into everyones life like that.

I would not be for contacting the mother directly but would seek out the mediator road first and be discreet.

Legally you have no rights and any you did have expired.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Well the mother should have told the daughter by now so daughter probably doesn't want to contact you. Can't blame her on that one. If she hasn't told her I think you should wait until after her leaving cert to do anything.
Its the hardest time of your life without any other stuff to deal with.

I'd say back off for a few years

dixiefly

Unregistered wrote: »

People change so please give this guy a break! I was in a similar situation when I was 18 and it was the most frightening experience I have ever gone through - ie. fathering a child when you're literally only a child yourself. I thought about opting out, but instead remained responsible and married the girl and raised my child.
This guy has taken the route I could have taken, he's admitted his actions were cowardly and now wants to make amends. Here's my advice!
Open a bank account and each week put money into it for your daughter, at least if she wants to go to college you can gift her parents something to assist when the time comes.
Do write to her mother, but simply apologise to her for your actions back then and leave your contact details. Insist that you're leaving it up to her to make contact when she as a mother feels the time is right.
You really should admire this other man for stepping into your shoes and accepting your own flesh and blood as his. I believe he is the one person in your post who has shown true courage and has lived an unselfish life.
Don't let the other posters here beat you up about your actions as an 18 year old. Don't become an 80 year old with terrible regrets, attempt to make contact, but if they respond positively you have to be there for her, you can't reject her a second time.
Advice about exams is very very true so as I've advised let her Mum make the decision, one letter to the mum with your address and leave it at that.

I think this was a compassionate and well written post. I think back on some of the situations I got into in college and I can understand the OP somewhat.

Do what the majority said - contact the mother with a well written apologetic letter and provie contact details etc and say that you understand why she should be hurt, your feeling at the time etc etc.

It really is up to the mother at this stage, you could try to keep an eye on her progress from a distance but would probably need a mutual friend to facilitate it.

Best of luck.

Queencake

owenmakken wrote: »

Well at 15 I'd say the time for being a good father is long gone, thats not to say you cant have a relationship - maybe nows the time to be a good molester, its not ideal but its still a role you could play in her life

What?!

Wibbs

owenmakken banned for a month for a majorly uncalled for comment

ladiee24

hey op,

i have read this thread through & i feel i can give you a little perspective that prehaps your daughter might share.

just to let you know a little about my situation i'm 24 & my biological "father" i don't think he really deserves that title left my mother pregnant denying i was his. my mother did tell me about what happened in what i consider to be a very fair way trying to be as unbiased as possible which is a bloody hard thing to do.

i will be 110% honest here if my biological "father" showed up tomorrow i would have no time for him personally it's too little far too late.

as a child i felt a terrible sense of rejection & i still do sometimes at 24.
i do completely agree with what abigayle has said you need to question your reasons for wanting to get in touch with your daughter after so many years? i would also suggest offering your contact details via a letter to your daughter's mother not directly to her she's still only 15 at the end of the day & hearing from you could completly crush her.

if you do this it's going to be even harder than staying would have been!!
you may have to deal with how may have made her feel indirectly & it's not a nice thing to deal with. you have to be able to stand there & take whatever she throws at you & you will more than likely not like what she says.

you will need to be prepared for that & so much more so if this is something that you are very prepared to do put all selfish reasons aside DO NOT DO THIS FOR YOU you're feelings honestly don't matter especially to a 15 year old!

i do wish you the best op but i think you really need to address the reasons why you want to do this before you go ahead with any form of contact.

LegacyUser

Yo OP,

I think its good you feel humble to now feeling for your daughter, Maybe you should contact the mum and just say if your daughter wanted a relationship then your interested but up till she contacts you you should probably leave it.


I think it was rotten how you got that girl pregnant and denied it was yours i know you were only 18 but other guys need to know too that this is bad form, it was deceitful of you because you knew deep down it was yours and you made her out to be a slut, and she had to go and raise and care for the child while you fecked off, i think that was terrible, if you were my dad and my dad did something similar i would feel like you betrayed me.

CDfm

ladiee24 you really hit the mark.

OP -you were 18 and in some ways unlucky.

You dont want to be going in there all guns blazing or sending off letters that are going to be disruptive either as you have a married couple and a teenager affected by this.

They may not want to know you.

Im divorced with a 15 yo daughter and she does need my time.15 yo girls are sensitive.

In fact -you dont know whether or not your daughter is aware of any of this so it could be totally academic.

Thread very carefully especially on the contact front as they might just not want to know you. On the other hand you might just want to know that everything is ok too whuch is understanable too.

You could be welcomed or get a slap with a hurley.

An idea that did spring to mind is whether you maintained contact with anyone from your college days who might be able to help you or explored that option. There might even be someone like a head of department or college chaplain etc who might help. Just a thought.

LegacyUser

I feel I have to add my two cents worth to this debate.

I am the single mother of a 17 year old son. I got pregnant in college and the father 'wasn't able to handle it' (poor him!!).
Anyhow, long story short I raised my son alone. It has been incredibly hard - and still is.
I asked his father to get involved in my sons life - totally and utterly for the sake of my son. He refused.

You remind me of him. You KNEW this woman was pregnant. You KNEW she was carrying your child. Even if she had slept with 500 other men you didn't try to assume any responability for her or your childs wellbeing.

I feel you're feeling hard done by now. She's married - you're not. The penny has finally dropped with you. You're having pity for yourself now. They have (from the outside at least) a nice family unit...........and you think you should be able to bounce up to your daughter and have some of that life for yourself.

You didn't think of them, or consider them, 15 years ago. If you have any humanity you should leave them alone to get on with their lives. If the mother has or hasn't told her daughter about you, then that is their affair.

If the daughter doesn't know about you - then you getting in touch will blow their entire world apart. And, I'm sorry mate, but you gave up the right to do that 15 years ago!!!
If the daughter DOES know about you then just wait. Grow up and cop on. She'll contact you when she wants..............that may be in a few years time - or it may be never.

Your post has made me SO angry!!! You are thinking again of the same person that you thought of all those years ago......ie YOU!!!!

Leave them be. Sort out your own life.
As some previous posts suggested, maybe start a savings account for her.

Think about somebody else for a change. Have some respect for them and leave them be. They've survived this long with no thanks to you!!

LegacyUser

Hi

This is OP. Thanks for all your advice. I do understand why some people might think that I have no right whatsoever to get involved in my daughter's life at this stage. I know what I did when I found out that this girl was pregnant was wrong and cowardly, but I was very young and my parents also advised me to steer clear of her and the baby. I have never forgotten what happened or the fact that I had a daughter that I had no contact with in all that time, I don't think anyone in my situation could forget.

I know as well that her mother might have no time whatsoever for me and my wish to get to know my daughter now. I would expect that she might be fairly angry at me and still hurt by what happened. She must of course have found it difficult to raise a child on her own while in university. I know that my daughter has turned out very well, is polite and is doing very well in boarding school. Because of my work, I do have contact with the school that she attends on occasion and I have heard bits and pieces from staff there about her. Naturally they do not know that there is any connection between me and my daughter.

I sometimes wonder why her mother chose for her to attend a boarding school in the twom where I live and did she maybe want for me to meet her. Im sure her mother knew that I might have contact with the school from time to time. It is possible that within the next year I will come in contact with my daughter along with her other classmates and I will find this very difficult. I would never let my daughter know that she is my biological child without having first spoken to her mother but I am afraid that her mother will say no. I would not know how to behave when I meet my daughter as part of her class.

LegacyUser

What job do you do that would bring you in contact with your daughter if she is going to a boarding school? I imagine it would be very difficult for you coming face to face with her. She probably doesn't know you are her father or she would have reacted to you in some way when you bumped into her with her mother last year. What do you want to happen now? Are you sure you're not just a bit jealous that her mother has what seems to be a good life while you seem to be on your own?

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi

This is OP. Thanks for all your advice. I do understand why some people might think that I have no right whatsoever to get involved in my daughter's life at this stage.

Hi OP - the reasons people say it are twofold.

The first being that you have by your own description a happy family unit thats functional and going along happily in their own little world. You want to invade that space. They sound like they dont need your help.

The second being 15 year old girls live in a different orbit to you and is vulnernable. The school connection and reaction to your behavior (and I imagine you are a teacher) is "creepy stalker person" (CD uses 15 year old daughter voice from ex-marriage voice). But its true.

You are deliberately walking yourself into a situation which can damage your life and could cause mayhem to others. There is the possibility too that the child is not yours and the mother said it was you as the best available candidate and now you are not.I know that seems harsh but it seems that way.

So how do you tackle it. You leave well enough alone unless they come looking for you. The urge you have to go off and get all involved going to the school etc etc is just plain stupid & more than a bit on the loopy side with a lot of f***ing drama.If you cant handle it like an adult keep a million miles away from the school as you have no business going there.If you have had a job offer -get a different job.

Grow up and none of this what about my feelings & I feel sorry stuff. If you have issues go see a shrink or priest but dont bring them down on an innocent bystanders life (which incidently) is what this 15 year old girl is.

paperclip2

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi
I sometimes wonder why her mother chose for her to attend a boarding school in the twom where I live and did she maybe want for me to meet her. .

I wouldn't read too much into that OP. Maybe her mother just wanted her to get the best education possible and the school was convenient.
Dont try to make the facts fit the case as you might see it or like to see it. The last thing most mothers in a situation like this would want, is for you to run acoss their daughter in a school corridor. We tend to be more direct about these things and would want to adequately prepare our child and not leave it to fate or someone elses whimsy. Its actually highly likely that shes unaware of the connection you have to the school

The reality is that if she wanted you to get in touch with her daughter she's also had fifteen years do this too. You need to figure out why you really want to do this. Do not underestimate the upheaveal a sucessful integration into this childs life will cause, never mind an unsuccessful one.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I actually see where you are coming from. I had my daughter at just 19, her dad was 23(Very immature) He acknowledged his child from the start but I wouldn't say really settled into the role until she was about 4. Anyway I remember what we were like at that age, and even though we are together now 18 years later, I think it is great the bond they have, probably she gets on better with him, I think its a father daughter thing. Definitley go through the mother though via a letter or some indirect contact...Not face to face yet anyway. Who knows, she may be dreaming if the day her daughter meets you, time is ticking by, Be careful how you go, but don't risk not knowing. How many adopted kids yearn to know who their real parents are...Take care

alexmcred

Op there was a thread here a while ago very similar to yours but it was from the mothers perspective and she was debating what to tell her daughter. It may be worth a search to turn up that threat to get the view point from the other side.

Long shot but bits of the story from what I remember are identical like the meeting in the shop.

Hope this helps

MissFlitworth

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi
. It is possible that within the next year I will come in contact with my daughter along with her other classmates and I will find this very difficult. I would never let my daughter know that she is my biological child without having first spoken to her mother but I am afraid that her mother will say no. I would not know how to behave when I meet my daughter as part of her class.

If I were you I'd make very sure that this doesn't happen. Your daughter will probably be emotional enough (and angry enough) when she first meets you without realising that she already knows you and that you were around her knowing who she was, that kind of thing can feel like a terrible invasion of privacy.

Also, if you don't know how to act around her and maybe couldn't stop staring or singling her out for attention (or being weirdly distant to her) it could be misinterpreted by her and her classmates. Good luck trying to have a relationship with her after first establishing yourself as 'creepy Mr X who stared at me the whole time' or 'ooooh christ, there's Mr X, I had an almighty crush on him in school'

If I were you I'd go through her mother and go by her mother's wishes. If she doesn't want you to contact your daughter now then don't, don't cause any aggro or heartbreak for them. Your daughter can make her decision when she's 18, and what's another 3 years when you've already missed 15.

Definitely though, whatever you do, make sure the first time you meet her is a time when she knows who you are.

Get your own life.

You're obviously getting on in years, and have nobody there for you. Ain't karma a bitch?

You sir aren't her dad. Leave the family to get on with their own lives.

If you're going to insist on contacting her then do it when she finishes school, not when it could mess up her life for the important few years of school ahead.

LegacyUser

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

Get your own life.

You're obviously getting on in years, and have nobody there for you. Ain't karma a bitch?

You sir aren't her dad. Leave the family to get on with their own lives.

If you're going to insist on contacting her then do it when she finishes school, not when it could mess up her life for the important few years of school ahead.

Ah come on he's only 34!

But yes OP, I would examine your motives, you are still young, you can still have your own family and probably will.

I didn't know my dad growing up and he was dead by the time we could have got to know each other. I know alot of other people in similar situations. Kids want to know and to meet their dads, even if the kids are forty by the time it happens.
Don't let any bitter single mothers tell you otherwise. Send that letter but expect this to be a long term project with a lot of waiting. And meantime go out and meet someone nice!

LegacyUser

OP here again. Sorry if I gave off the impression that I was a teacher, I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not. I would never put my daughter or myself in a situation where I'd be meeting her regularly without she knowing who I am. Because of the job I do I will however have to go to her school a few times during the school year to talk o her class. There is no way for me to avoid it. The town where I live and she is a boarder is very small so there is nothing I can do.

Its not true that I am only thinking of myself or that I am getting old and am envious because I dont have a family of my own. I realise I made a terrible mistake all those years ago and as an adopted child myself I know that for many children knowing their biological parents is important. I now want to do the right thing for my daughter and her mother too.

I would never dream of contacting my daughter without going through her mother first. I do think that her mother knows that I work in the town where she decided to send her daughter to boarding school and even that there would be a good chance thay I would meet her.

My main priority now is to do things right this time around.

LegacyUser

I'm afraid you're getting too much bad advice on this site. The bottom line is, you very well may be her biological father and if that's the case I think the right thing to do is to meet her at some point in her life. The time of that meeting is out of your hands, at the age of 15 it's her mother's decision whether to even mention you, and ultimately it's your daughter's decision. At 15 she may be angry and may have no intention of meeting you.

But you have to make contact with her mother to indicate that you are available for contact if they wish to do so. Don't let the girl spend her life not knowing her real biological father....just remember, and always remember, that you are not her Dad, another man has that role and don't step on his toes.
Setting up a savings account for her and gifting her something substantial when you do meet or if she declines gifting it anyway would be some way of addressing walking away from her mum. Always remember, you're not a bad person, we all make rash and foolish decisions when we're young, and your worst decision was not seeing the positive side to standing up and being a man when her mum feel pregnant. Making yourself available for contact will at least be an acknowledgement on your part that you shamed her mum when she was just as vulnerable as you were at 18.

metrovelvet

No one knows what the daughter or mother are feeling. Pretty stupid to tell Op not to contact based on FANTASIES about their family life.

And there is such a thing as good selfishness.

Also, we have such little time. At any moment any of us could be gone, OP, his daughter. Tick tock, tick tock. Before you know it shes a woman and your a grandad. Write a letter and wait. Dont push or demand. Let her mother steer the course in the storm ahead.