I Stood Up to My Husband for the first time last night - was I right????

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Going unreg for this.

Ok so my husband is a very nice man we get on very well but I do ahve one major issue with him. The way he speaks to me! He tends to raise his voice if he thinks he is right. If he says something and I ask a question at times he will be like well that is obvious (makes me feel a bit stupid for asking). He also thinks it is ok to tell me to stop or be quiet when i am saying something he doesn't like.

Now don't get me wrong this is not a daily thing but it really gets to me. Should it or am I being too sensitive?

His father speaks like this to his mother and I tihnk it is awful to listen to my husband agrees and he gets mad at his dad from time to time for this (this could be because my parents never have a bad word to say to each other when people are around - Im sure they argue in private from time to time).

Am I correct in thinking he might have picked this up from his dad and if I don't nip it in the bud now he will get as bad as his father?? He is nowhere near as bad as his father at the moment.

Anyway last week we had words in front of his mother. I never normally curse but this time I saw red. I did let out a few curse words and told him right in front of his mother he had no right to talk to me they way he just had. I also told him it is not right and I wont ahve it. The place just went quiet but I felt I was justified?? His mother said I was totally right and that she hates her husband doing it to her.

Well last night he began again - over something silly. He said something not very clear so I asked a question about it to try and see what he meant (nothing important) and again he started raising his voice and saying to me that is what I just said if you were listening he was getting annoyed. I told him it wasn't clear to me and I was just asking a question to try to understand so I could give a proper answer etc...he then told me to shut up and go into the other room. OK at this stage I blew up - I shouted over him (I have never done this before) a\nd again told him he was out of order and I would not have it so he had better stop it. I really gave him a mouthful. He tried to answer me back and I let him have it again. This stiopped him in his tracks and he didn't say another bad word to me for the evening. Was I right?? I don't want to get to where I have to do this all the time as it is not like me but do I need to do it once or twice to show him he cannot do this to me? Is it normal for husband/wife to speak to each other like this? were my parents just the perfect couple?

Anyway I spoke to him this morning when we were both calm and I just told him that I dont want ot have to do that again and I wont have him speaking to me like that anymore. Did I over react????

tbh

no, you didn't over-react, you played it perfectly imo. I usually type a lot more than this, but there's nothing really else to say - you were right, he was wrong.

Barracudaincork

YOU ROCK!!!!!

You ask were you in the right? Damn right you were! you give him a piece of his own medicine!

Your feeling it wasnt right becuase you know that is not how people should treat each other and your right its not. However, when dealing with a bully who if you ask me has major self esteem issues you have to play them at their own game.

The one thing you have to be careful about is that it doesnt happen again as it shouldnt happen again, your husband should now realise how he was behaving and stop, if he doesnt the way i see it is that you have two choices, put up with it and say nothing or react the same way again next time it happens. That isnt a great way to live and life though, so of course there is the 3rd option of leaving him. You need to decide what kind of life you want to live and the enviroment you want to live in and go from there!

Again you rock for standing up to this bully! You will be an inspiration to others!

bicardi19

Sometimes in a marriage or relationship we all have to put our foot down and stand up for ourselves. On both sides. Unfortunatley sometimes we let things go for so long until we can't take it any more. I think you handled it perfectly. You stood up for yourself and nipped this issue in the bud. Good for you!!

seamus

People fight. You can't escape that. A couple who never disagrees are either very boring or in serious trouble.

Yes, it's likely that's he picked up this voice-raising thing from his upbringing and is completely unaware that he's doing it. I would perhaps apologise for blowing up at him, but tag on a "however" to justify it - explain why you blew up, tell him straight out that he does exactly what his Dad does and raises his voice to shout you down. He'll probably be mortified.
If he does it in future, then you have a platform to say, "You're raising your voice, I'm not going to discuss this until you calm down".

I would say that you weren't wrong for "fighting back", as sometimes that's the only way to have yourself heard, but unless you go back to him and explain where you're coming from, from his POV you've just exploded out of the blue and he probably doesn't understand fully why.

Hippo

Perfect response OP, great stuff.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

ManOfMystery

You're 200% right - and if he does it again, I hope you stand up to him again.

It's like talking to a child really - when they learn that they can't get away with a certain behaviour which is out of place, they simply won't do it again.

Nervous Wreck

The reason it was the perfect response on your side OP is that you really let him have it, showing your anger and your intolerance. And then you calmly talked about it the next day, cementing everything you'd said. I'd be surprised if he did this again for a while. I'm sure there will be a reemergence of this problem down the line but you'll just have to deal with it again I guess... But certainly this will become less and less frequent over time.

LegacyUser

Hi All - OP here,

Thank you all for all the comments and advice. I feel much better about it now. I have to adsmit I did feel a little guilty about this this morning. Last night i was too mad to feel bad about it but this morning I started to think was I just as bad shouting him down.

I am glad I did it and I am determined to cut it out of our relationship as it really is the only thing that is wrong in our relationship. I told him this morning I wouldn't ahve it and he justs needs to cut it out. If he is frustrated with me he can say it in a calm manner but he is not to shout at me or tell me to shut up in public or private anymore. I have told him I will not stand for it anymore.

I guess the ball is in his court now. I am going to talk to him this evening and tell him how it makes me feel and that I will not have it anymore. I will explain in my opinion it is now way for a man to speak to his wife. I tihnk he will be embarassed but I also think it has to be done.

Im not sure that me blowing up once will totally get rid of this so I am prepared to call him up on it again if I need to. I want to try and call him up on it in a calmer manner next time if possible as I dont want it to be him blowing up and them me blowing up at him (vicious circle), perhaos our chat tonight will help.

I do know I shocked the life out of him last night.

LegacyUser

my OH's sisters husband is exactly like this, and it has transferred not only from his father to him, but has transferred to their son! i have picked up on it several times in social situations and bit my lip, especially when its been the son at fault (at 13- the little s**t!) for example, we were at a bbq monday nite, and the whole family were there, and i dont know what spurred this, but the response from the 13 yr old was "jesus christ woman, do u know anything", and it more so how it was said than what was said....aggressive, like he was making little of her. and not a word said! i couldnt believe it! if i spoke to my mother like that to this day, i wouldnt be beyond a slap!! its all about respect, i respect my parents and elders and my OH way too much to speak to them like that.
This address her as "woman" has been heard a few times, and in that way its a case of the apple hasnt fallen too far from the tree. He has picked this way of speaking to the mother up from the father. I dread to think what she puts up with at home, judging from what i have heard in front of everyone! I have often thought about saying it to her.....but i dont know does she realise how wrong it is, and i defo wouldnt want to stir trouble, or be seen to criticise her parenting skills. she recently had son number 2, so all i can say is give him another few years!

You did the right thing OP....its a form of bullying. And its strange how it bothers him that his dad does it to his mum, yet he cannot see that it is transferred to his treatment of you. I would advise you to sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel, and tell him it has to stop. Your outburst was a good initial step, it prob shocked him. but dont let the problem continue! best of luck, ur very brave and u have my admiration!
love a.l xx

Taltos

You really did handle this perfectly.
And yes you are right - this is learned behaviour on his part - however it will take time for him to break this training.

I think you both need to sit down when you are both really calm and discuss what has been happening. Use real case examples from the recent past - do not discuss things from way back.
If possible reinforce this with a comparison to his parents and again a recent occurence. Hopefully this will help him recognise he really has an issue here.

Then and I know this is kooky - but agree a safe word or trigger - next time he starts venting - simply state that word. Staying calm here is key.

However if he continues to persist then think about getting prof help or worst case walk - do you really want to be the pitied wife in 20yrs?

But you have been great so far with this and it is only natural to feel guilty now - just your brains way of telling you that this whole situation was wrong - if you did not feel guilty you could be looking at a whole new cycle - he treats you like a child ordering you to a different room(read corner) and you blow up....

merlie

Hello OP,

You did the right thing. My ex used to do this to me a lot. He would put me down in public and his voice would rise up so all could hear what he was saying. I used to be embarrassed and then get very upset and cry. He would get like this with me every now and again, just like the way you described your husband. But unlike you, at the time, I didn't have the strength to 'shout' him down, as my ex was a big man and I used to get scared of him bullying me or abusing me.

Regards your husband you most certainly should have a talk with him about it, when he is calm and relaxed. He has to understand how you feel and you have to ask him why he does this to you and does he realise that what he does upsets you.

Sometimes talking about it is good but if he is stubborn, it will be hard to shift him from his behaviour. I wish you the best of luck and keep up standing for your rights. You should not have to tolerate this


Love,

Merlie

That attitude is one thing I truly despise in a man. I have a friend whose boyfriend treats her like this in front of me which shocks me. She'll say something and he'll just roll his eyes and say 'for God's sake Rachel, don't you see the difference'? or 'I've explained this a million times' just because she doesn't know as much about his 'field' (politics) as he does. He'd have been long gone if he were MY boyfriend!

Mary42

I think you were absolutely right to stand up to him. Also have a chat with him when he's calm and explain that you won't be putting up with been spoken to like that any more. It's also possible that the way his father speaks to his mother has something to do with it.

LegacyUser

Very well handled but key thing here, as you say you are going to try, is not to shout back. It's not a competition of who can shout the other down, it's that you don't have to listen to shouting at all.
In your talk I would state "I will not accept being shouted at in future and if it happens, I will leave the conversation until you are ready to talk normally." And then follow through on this - any time it happens say (without shouting yourself) "I am not prepared to be talked to like this so I am going (out, or into the other room or whatever) and you can let me know when you would like to continue this conversation without shouting".
Just always follow through on your ultimatums.

Das Kitty

Whilst I do think you needed to stand up to him, I don't think the fighting fire with fire method should be the first port of call, especially not in front of his Mother.

There are ways to communicate your dissatisfaction without shouting and swearing and it's best to try these before losing the block.

You should always let someone know if they are upsetting you, and if they're reasonable it will nip the behaviour in the bud.

"I feel upset sometimes when you xxx" works wonders, but make sure to have it in that order and not "When you xxx it upsets me" It's more accusatory and can get a defensive reaction more easily!

Lollipops23

Das Kitty wrote: »

Whilst I do think you needed to stand up to him, I don't think the fighting fire with fire method should be the first port of call, especially not in front of his Mother.

sometimes people snap. i would be even more upset if my OH saw fit to speak to me like that in front of his mam. it's so disrespectful thinking he can bully and belittle. OP fair fúcks to you.not many people would have the guts and confidence to tell a bully where to go. i hope that he learns now that he can't get away with speaking to you(or anyone else) like this.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Very well handled but key thing here, as you say you are going to try, is not to shout back. It's not a competition of who can shout the other down, it's that you don't have to listen to shouting at all.
In your talk I would state "I will not accept being shouted at in future and if it happens, I will leave the conversation until you are ready to talk normally." And then follow through on this - any time it happens say (without shouting yourself) "I am not prepared to be talked to like this so I am going (out, or into the other room or whatever) and you can let me know when you would like to continue this conversation without shouting".
Just always follow through on your ultimatums.

+1000. Avoid fighting fire with fire by shouting. Too often it can make you look equally at fault(wrongly).

LegacyUser

Thanks all, OP here

Wibbs/Das Kitty - I should have explained before when this happened I would not shout back but would walk away (go to other room etc) and when the situation had passed I would tell him I was upset by it. He would apologie but it would happen again (not every day or anything). Last week with his mam we were in the car. I could not get out and I was so hurt I thought I do not think so little of myself that I will not speak up here. She was in agreement with me. It wasn't a big fight more me getting my point across. To be honest there are only so many times you can walk away. I was not rude or hurtful last night or last week I just stated the facts (very loudly). I'm not saying I was right at all.

Last night I filpped (I do know this is not acceptable) and shouted him down. I pointed out about last week and I told him I had had it and would not have it again full stop. I NEVER shout at anyone (It is a thing I hate in people) but I flipped and I let it all out. I personally think it might have had the most effect as he was shocked to bits and I think it showed he has pushed me as far as he can with this.

I do intend to sit down with him later and talk it out.

Dont get me wrong he is the perfect husband (well as perfect as anyone can be) apart from this and it is only on ocassions not all the time. If anyone else spoke to me the way he does he would kill them (I'm going to point this out when we speak tihs evening).

I think last night was the kick in the ass he needed to see how far he has pushed me and the talk tonight is the reinforcement and the calm way to get our points of view across.

I do not want to have to shout him down ever again but I am at the stage where enough is enough and I wont take anymore. I also want it eliminated before I ever think of having kids ewith him. I will not end up like his parents and brining up kids in a house where the parents are at each others throats.

To unreg who said they were afraid to point this out to their sister - please do. You can do it in a nice way. I thought about this before and i knew he was doing it but I just wondered was it something that happens and maybe I was looking for perfection in my husband. If you point it out in a nice way it might be what she needs to get the courage to stand up to him.

Das Kitty

Fair enough OP.

That's a more serious problem though. He's ignoring your concerns about his behaviour when you try to calmly let him know how hurt you are. That's horrendously upsetting and completely unacceptable. If this doesn't work I fear you'll be headed towards ultimatum-town.

Taltos

Hi OP

you are handling this perfectly.
Really hope you get through to him.
My OH does have to remind me of things I have agreed to every so often
You know guys with our selective memory.

Will keep my fingers crossed that he really hears what you will be saying to him later. It is great that you are addressing this so fast after the last occurence.

Hopefully this thread will encourage unreg's sister to follow a similar approach.

who what when

Firstly this is not a rant and im not trying to piss people of however i know im going to be much attacked by this but;

Not everyone is perfect, im not, you arent and your husband isnt!
This problem is clearly inherited from your husbands father, a problem your husband recognises in his father and doesnt approve of! Is it not fair to say that your husband isnt aware that he has inherited it from his father?
Also is it not fair to assume that if he was aware that you were upset by his behaviour he may try to refrain from it?

My point is the way you approach your husband with problems is far from ideal. The best way is a matter of fact conversation, outlining the problem, your feelings on it and possible preventative action.
When you react in an aggressive emotional manner your husband will simply be wondering 'whats wrong with her' and totally miss what he's done wrong.

Now i am aware that some men are controlling manipulative people but most are not. We are just flawed, as are you.

Another thing is why do other posters come on here and immediatly say 'oh big bad man, get out while you can you poor little thing'?
Try not to be influenced by these people.
Try to understand that your husband is not perfect but loves you im sure and would be ashamed if he knew how he was affecting you emotionally.
Im also sure he would try very hard to change if only he knew

Taltos

who what when wrote: »

My point is the way you approach your husband with problems is far from ideal. The best way is a matter of fact conversation, outlining the problem, your feelings on it and possible preventative action.

I think if you read above you will see that this is what the OP has been doing.
It is only being trapped in a car she was unable to do so.
While staying calm is always ideal - sometimes the situation is more controlling.

Hippo

Wibbs wrote: »

+1000. Avoid fighting fire with fire by shouting. Too often it can make you look equally at fault(wrongly).

In fairness the OP said she'd spoken calmly to him the next morning when tempers had settled down. She's setting the tone now and has taken control of the situation.

Zulu

meh, you needed to assert your point of view. Kudos for doing that.

You didn't need to do this by shouting at your husband, in the car, with his mother.
If it was me - I'd be enraged at that. That said, I wouldn't disrespect my wife/OH in front of others in the first place.

LegacyUser

who what when - OP here I'm not sure if you looked at all the posts. I did say I ahve told him calmly in the past and it has not fully sunk in. This time I flipped I admit this was not ideal. I also said that I dont think anyone is perfect but his behavioour is not acceptable to me so I wont put up with it. No I am not perfect wither. I said I lost my temper last night - not the behaviour of anyone who is perfect.

No-one told me to get out now and I am far from a poor little thing. Eveyone was giving me their opinions and advice which I asked for and appreciate.

My husband should be aware he has picked this up from his father as I have pointed it out in the past calmly.

He would be hurt to know he has upset me in this way. As i said I told him this morning it is not acceptabvle and I will not have it. I also said i will be explaining to him this evening why and how I feel about it (clamly).

I am not saying my husband is a big bad man. He is very loving and we get on great most of the time. This is the one thing I don't like about him and am not prepared to compromise on.

LegacyUser

OP here - Zulu i didnt shout at him in front of his mother I gave out to him AFTER he told me to piss off and stop annoying him. Seriously what would you have done????

It was his mother - he treated me badly in front of her - I had no way out of the situation (we were in the car) I told him firmly not to speak to me like that ever and especially when there was someone present that was it. How can I be wrong for answering back in front of his mother when he started it in front of his mother??? To be honest I dont care if he was enraged. I was enraged and embarassed. Should I have just sat there and taken it??? Accept his behaviour and tell him later when it had all passed he upset me. I think answering back then and telling him calmly later that it upset me would be more effective??

Everyone please realise I did not want to do it in front of his mother nor did I want to do it last night but the softly softly approach isn't working and I have had enough. I have told him in the past it hurts but I think it doesn't register as much as it might be a few hours later or the next day and it doesn't have the impact I got last night???

I am asking if I was right to do it on these two ocassions - It is not something I will be repeating regularly in the future. I am also asking if you all think it is a good idea to sit down with him later to explain why I belw up last night and how I felt, why I wont have it (most of you seem to think this is a good idea??)

Splendour

Unregistered wrote: »

His mother said I was totally right and that she hates her husband doing it to her.

Good that his Mom recognises what's going on and backed you up on this.
My ex was a bully and I tried to talk to his Mom about it once. Her reply 'He's just like his father, you'll have to get used to it'. Great advice eh?!!

From what you've said OP, your husband sounds like a good guy apart from this. There is a possibility that he doesn't realise what he's doing is so wrong. If he was brought up listening to his Dad talking to his Mom in this manner then unfortunately it's 'normal' to him. I hope your talk with your husband goes well for you tonight...

*Honey*

I absolutely think you did the right thing. People treat others the way they're allowed treat them... so if you don't accept this, he shouldn't do it. Now I'd say you might have a little while to go before he is cured of it (given he's probably heard it for years from his Dad) but you're a hell of a way started on sorting the problem out. I also thought maybe you'll give his Mum a thought to try and tackle her hubby too... she shouldn't be treated like that either.

Abi

Not every couple is the same, and it would be wrong of you to compare your own relationship with that of your parents. But what your husband has been doing all along was very disrepectful. You must have some patience to have put up with it until last night.

It is fine if you want to sit down and have a chat with your husband this evening, but I wouldn't be overly apologetic about this. You've nothing to apologise for. I think I'd say to him unless he wants an argument everytime he raises his voice, then fine. You are up for the challenge. But that you would much rather you speak to each other respectfully. Tell him everything you've told us. His disrespectful and dismissive behaviour is something you will no longer take.

Just because his father was this way with his mother, does not give him license to speak to you the same way. You are not his mother.

LegacyUser

my boyfriend is the same as this. Lovely apart from this one thing and it seems in his family the girls accept that the men can speak to them however they want. OP you have opened my eyes to this and I intend to tackle him on it the next time he does it to me.

OP you should b e proud of yourself you seem like a very reeasonable woman and you were totally in the right to do what you did

cock robin

Bravo you did excellent.:D:D:D

mistybelle

congratulations to you girl!!! you absolutely did not over react! And pretty soon you'll be wishing you had the courage to do this a long time ago, some partners will, over time behave toward us, exactly how we allow them to, you may also find that in a short space of time, he will develop a new found respect for his wife whose taken a stance and has made it clear she'll no longer put up with his disrespectful ways, Well done you!!! Bet you felt empowered after eh?? Perhaps a little shaky, but dead proud of yourself

MissHoneyBun

Two wrongs don't make a right.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for all your kind words. I thought I should post an update. I sat down with my husband and explained to him that enough was enough and that I wasn't going to take him speaking to me in this manner anymore. He said he would try his best to stop doing it but that he didn't mean it the way I ws taking it. When I asked how he would take it if I said the things he had said he realised he wouldn't like it at all.

We have had a few more instances of him saying things before thinking but I have calmly pointed out to him each time that he was raising his voice or what he was saying was not acceptable. Thanks God I have not had to blow up at him again (I really did not lilke doing that at all) On the ocassions it has happened since I would either leave the room or tell him I would continue the conversation when he spoke to me properly. THis is working (slowly but surely).

I know it will take time and I am happy to put the effort in too. I do believe this is something he has picked up for his father and his mother accepting it has led him to believe it is normal and that's how it is with husabnd and wife. He is gradually realising we could have a much better relationship if he speaks to me in a proper manner.

I will continue with all the advice you have all given me on here and I hope that over the next few months we will have eliminated this from our relationship totally.

FOr anyone out there who is going through the same thing. Stand up for yourself. It is frightening the first time but very empowering and it just might change your relationship.

Thanks again all