Physically ill with conflict.

LegacyUser

I had a lot of hassle when i was younger and a lot of that has stopped now. I didn't use to mind confrontation or conflict that much as i'd seperated myself away from people and it didn't affect me. I loved debates and i'd stand up to friends or family even when it roughed things over.

Now i'm on the opposite path. I'm trying to open myself up and bite my tongue in some cases in order to get on well with people. The problem is that i didn't have a balance and people would take me for granted. I've been purposly standing up and if someone lets say came up and tried to induce empathy so i would take responsibility i would try stand up for myself and not cave. Even if that ment being apathetic. The only problem is now that it feels rotten. I feel sick to my stomach and don't even want to interact with people at all when things aren't going right. I have a small rush equivilent to fight or flight kind of thing and i don't feel better until i just escape physicly from people.

This is rather annoying as i do want to get on well with people but i don't want to end up walk over. I want a healthy balance between them liking me and me liking them and respect between the both of us. Note this is not just with one person and ranges from very close people to hardly-know-them types.

Kevster

Hi,

I understand what you are going through because I went through it too. I think that you have perhaps gone a bit too far at the moment and have missed the 'middle' ground. I mean, you have to be nice to people in some cases and be attentive to their needs; but you also need to put your foot down and be 'cruel to be kind'. I'm sure that this will come to you with experience but, for now, don't be so hard on yourself dude.

Kevin

LegacyUser

But what can i do about feeling physicly ill when i try that. It just makes me want to give up on people altogether.

Kimia

I feel the same too OP, i think everyone does at times. People can be a&ses!

I hate moodiness in people, I hate having to ignore someones rudeness because 'that's just the way he is' etc. It puts you off having contact with anyone at times.

People take you for granted because you don't stick up for yourself, but you don't want to be over the top sticking up for yourself like you used to. As the above said, find the middle ground.

Determine what is important to you and what isn't. Say for example someone is intolerably rude and you don't want to deal with it. Either walk away from them (they'll get the idea) or just say to them 'Please don't talk to me again'.

Only accept what is acceptable to you if that makes any sense. Don't try and be all things to all people. Be yourself and if that means not putting up with other people's crap then so be it. Who cares what they think.

ManOfMystery

Op - above all else you have to be yourself, if people don't like you as you are that's their loss.

Overheal

Change happens over a long time and its something you want to do. If you just wake up one day and decide to act like a completely new person, its never going to stick, and yeah, youre going to feel ill.

LegacyUser

i know exactly what you are talking about

i had the same thing, hassle when younger, never confrontational at all and avoided it

i would come across situations in later life, had to assert myself or even get angry with people, confontation

my voice would quake, stomach turn, i'd physically shake, it was really annoying because i would need to be assertive in the face of confrontation and couldn't

because i was never used to it (confrontation) my fight or flight response was all over the place, natural reaction but it was emphasized and i didnt know how to deal with it

minor non physical confrontation would set off major adrenaline responses in me and the sick symptoms would come back when i didnt want them

i started kickboxing 2 years ago and it has gone away, i keep a very cool head in confrontation situations and when i have to assert myself, i keep the sick wobbly feeling for when im training

i am no pro kickboxer, im 5'6 and 8.5stone, but i enjoy it, and looking back wish id done it years ago

Kevster

Unregistered wrote: »

But what can i do about feeling physicly ill when i try that. It just makes me want to give up on people altogether.

Hi,

You could try to anticipate/predic the moments when you will feel sick, and then think logically about them - i.e. are they really that bad for you to be feeling sick about? If you think logically and reasonably about them, then this should reduce your anxiety.

Kevin

LegacyUser

It's not anxiety as in nerves. It just feels wrong. Imagine it like if you were just told by your wife/long term girlfriend something huge like a breakup or someone had died (don't read anything into my comparisons they're just the most common experiences that i can think of right now)

Or lets say you're somewhere where you shouldn't be. Breaking into somewhere or in a restricted zone. It's that sort of feeling of sickness. I'm a very logical person and don't let my feelings carry me away but when i feel like that i don't find situations comfortable and i really want it to stop.

Kevster

So it's new and unfamiliar things that cause this? If you had to go to a town to meet a friend, but you had never been in this town before, would you feel 'sick' about that too? Unfamiliar things like that can make people tense/nervous/'sick'.

Kevin