In-laws

LegacyUser

I don't really like my inlaws.
I used to get on grand with them but before we got married myself and my wife had a huge row and my mother inlaw decided to butt in and basically blew everything out of proportion, with her and her partner saying a bunch of stuff about me that had nothing to do with the issue but they'd obviously felt about me for a long time.
Now of course she's lovely to me, but I do not trust her not one little bit.
Her partner still refuses to acknowledge my existence and I am happy with this as he is a violent, lazy, ignorant pr*ck and a disgrace to humanity itself
Anyway back to her,
I try to forgive and forget but I really lost respect for her, I think she's very manipulative and a bloody drama queen to boot. She's always fighting with someone over something, she also treats her kids like babies and i constantly trying to control them! She didn't even try to get to know my family, instead trying to make our wedding all about her and what she wanted.
I do understand she has a difficult life but I'm just not able for the drama that goes on.
She's constantly struggling for money, it's not her fault, she does work hard like, but my wife and I have to keep bailing her out every other month.
This is a cause of great concern for my poor wife as well as all the fighting that goes on, it stresses her no end.
Now the issue has arisen that my wife has been asked to go on holiday with them this summer. Just a camping trip for a week or something, but I really don't want to go.
They usually all go off, my mother in-law, her partner, her other kids, her sister, a bunch of my wife's cousins and their partners and kids. We've never joined them but every year there's a big fight or some big drama and it ends up with some of them not speaking for weeks.
I first thought it might be a bridge building exercise but I know that if we go we will just end up basically paying for everything for mother in law and her partner as my poor wife feels guilty for pretty much being born!
I'd never stop my wife going with them but I really can't stomach it myself and she won't go if I don't go.
It doesn't help that her mothers partner treats my wife like dirt also but she has to be nice to him or the mother gets upset.
Also if I tell my wife how I feel she gets very moody and upset because everyone around her hates each other. She just likes to pretend we all get on for the sake of a quiet life.
I also don't want her to think I'm trying to isolate her from them, as much as I don't like them, they are still her family and I get on really well with her brother and sisters.
Ideas?

Oh The Humanity

Jazuz they sound like a bunch of ar$eh0les. You well have the measure of them and thats why they dont like you.

The central problem is this:

my poor wife feels guilty for pretty much being born!

Right there, your wife is putting up with their crap because she is in the thrall of the Mothers control and manipulation. She knows nothing else since infanthood. Sounds like she was spoonfed guilt manipulation. Of course your wife cant see this dynamic and tries to cope by doing everything the aul ones way.

But the problem with this strategy is life becomes a misery, anything but quiet.

You are right not buying into their drama and manipulation. I wouldn't go on their p0xy camping trip and furthermore I would NOT financially bail this horrible person out every month.

Its your wifes decision to continue with this disfunctional relationship. Not yours.

Also if I tell my wife how I feel she gets very moody and upset because everyone around her hates each other. She just likes to pretend we all get on for the sake of a quiet life.

Thats another 'coping' mechanism she has learned from her melodramatic family, if someone challenges you -play the wounded victim.

You have got to be calm and consistant in your approach to this with your wife. You have to explain to her that 'getting on with each other for a quiet life' comes with a high price that you are just not willing to pay. Nor are you obliged to pay.

Suggest to your wife to go for counselling in order to understand that she is part of a disfuctional family and being controlled by guilt manipulation and in turn trying to use the same tactics on you.

Unless she starts to recognise that allowing herself to be controlled for a quiet life will actually bring about the opposite result then things will continue to be fraught.

As she starts to recognise it and begin to break the old bad habits you both will start to be free. Get her to read 'Toxic Parents'

You will probably feel bad that the aul one will go around badmouthing you and attributing awful things to you and making horrible accusations. But to take away her power you have to cultivate an attitude of 'I dont care'

Because the truth is she will say and do horrible things no matter what ye do so you might as well just take your own road and edit her out of your life as much as possible.

coadyj

So let me get this straight, you don't like these people, yet you give them money every month?? You sir are crazy...

Legally and morally you are under no obligation to do that, f&%k them, why don't you take you wife to on a nice sun holiday instead, show her the fun the two of you can have when its just the two of you.

Then when you come back and the fights start up, you can then highlight to your wife where the arguments are coming from

You said you would take her for better or worse, not the family

To be honest, they sound like a pack of knackers, who the hell goes on a camping trip!!

dudara

Going on a big holiday with a large group of contentious people is a recipe for disaster. But I think that you know that.

You really need to talk to your wife, in a non-dramatic fashion.