Father denying access to Mother.

LegacyUser

Apologies if on wrong board.

Separated from my 7 year old's son's day. Having behavioural problems with son who then tells dad he doesn't want to come to my house, tells him ABC, makes out he's afraid, doesn't want to be here.
Dad goes along with this and tell son it's ok he can stay with him. We split physical custody 50:50., verbal agreement between us. His dad tells me so long as he feels like this he's staying with him, not going to 'make him go back'. Of course dad has no right to do this - it's not his choice.

So dad is in effect controlling situation. I've gone to solicitor and decided to apply for court date.
I've been seeing someone new for 6 months and although son has only met him twice I feel he's reacted a certain way last time. Now his dad is mentioning him in conversations so this obviously another attempt to control a situation I feel.

I've very worried about my son (I'm have & am taking steps to help him) and I'm concerned how all this will affect him in long run.

In the meantime I'm helpless as I have his father telling what is going to happen & all I can hope for at moment is to call down and visit. I can insist he comes, can't make a scene.
I've spoken to my ex extensively but nothing changes & he keeps telling me if our son doesn't want to come to me he's not going to allow it/make him/let him etc.

Have any other mother's being denied access & have you gone to court? I'll probably go to court anyway as I need back up & I can see this happening over and over again if I don't sort out it now.

star-pants

I don't have much information, but just to give you the flip side of the coin.

My friend has been separated from the father of her son since she was pregnant. The child is now 8. His father has access every second weekend. There have been times when her son has cried and asked not to go to his daddys cuz he doesn't want to. Sometimes she's pursuaded him, said that she'll collect him early if he likes. But she can't force him to go.
Her ex came banging down the door one day and my friend said 'he doesn't want to go, ask him yourself', which he did, but the child said he didn't want to go. Now the ex accused her of putting ideas in his head, but she hadn't (I know that).

I'm not saying this is exactly the case, but it can happen in separated parents situations. What are his reasons for not wanting to stay with you? Is he scared of this new guy you're dating?

Nervous Wreck

OP have you considered that maybe the best course of action in this situation (for the moment at least) is not to cause a legal or verbal battle with the child's father but instead to sit down with your son (in his dad's presence if necessary) and figure out why he doesn't want to spend his time with you? If I had a child telling me they were afraid to be around their own mother, I'd be fairly sketch too. That's not to imply any ill treatment on your side but I'm just saying that your child has given his father reasonable cause for apprehension. Worrying about who 'gets' the child should be taking a back seat to the child's mental/emotional issue at the moment.

LegacyUser

Thanks.
He's telling dad he's afraid of me
(well this is what I'm hearing from dad, my son hasn't said and I don't interrogate him on phone but am going to see him today and will try and find out).
His behaviour is very bad, physically agressive, kicking, hitting, throwing things, bad language, tantrums, verbal abuse. I've had to be tough, time out etc. I've shouted the odd time and so on, only human. He's told his dad & when I talk to dad to tell him issues all dad wants to know is 'what am' doing wrong not son.
I started him in Rainbows 2 months ago and it looks like he won't get to finish course but it's a slow process and perhaps it has brought up issues that make him behaviour worse initially. I want to start him in a play therapist but until I know when I will have him I can't make an appointment. I've been advised to get a phychiatric evaluation too.

I think he has reacted badly to the boyfriend thing. He told me one day he was behaving badly because of that. I asked him was he afraid he was going to replace daddy and he said yes. I've had conversations with him to explain that daddy will always be daddy and nobody will take his place and so on. My son is very clever and we do communicate. However he seems very angry with me and also I feel he is emulating behaviour he may have seen when his dad and I were together.
The boyfriend thing is easily sorted. You just back off there for now, of course the child knows he exists, and work on other issues. However his dad constantly opposes changes in son's life this is only the start & maybe best to get it all tied up now.

I speak to my son as much as I can. Try to reason with ex, implore him to sit down with me but he won't give me any time, always too busy. I have a firefly phone today to give to me son which I hope will help and if we get to spend some time alone today (or even with dad) maybe we can figure out what's bothering him so much. However he needs 3rd party help with his behaviour... it's all focus at me & I can't help on my own.

I think I will have to get our access set by the courts because I feel this will continue to happen and as my ex will not sit and talk to me it becomes impossible.

barbiegirl

Dad shouldn't want to go to court as he will not (in all liklihood) get anywhere near 50/50 access. He should be aware of this. Though in all fairness he is doing just what I would do if my child said they were afaid of someone. However he does also need ot realise your son has issues and also that like every kid he will manipulate you against one another to get his own way.
Good luck talking to son tonight.

LegacyUser

Thanks you barbiegirl.
I've explained to ex that we both could lose out going to court and things will not longer be in our control. I don't think he's talking any legal advice yet. I don't know if he believes me to be honest but my solicitor also advised me to try and resolve it between ourselves.
He may get 50:50 access (though I'd love to have son during school week) and that's ok, that's what we do now.
I understand his fears re. child but he has no right to take the matter in to his own hands. Plus he has not made any arrangements to talk about it and try and solve the issues. I am going to find it very hard to to sort things out my son if I don't have any access time. Sitting in his dad's for a chat isn't ideal but all I have today. Hopefully my son will come back nexk week.
I still think I should get our custody/acess set legally at this point as I can see this happening over again and I won't be able to help my son.

beth-lou

It sounds as though your son needs to see some sort of professional to be assesed. As much for you and your ex as for him. You need to get to the bottom of what is causing his behaviour and work together to help him get through this difficult time. It sounds as though he is playing one against the other, and if your husband is unwilling to talk to you, then I fear you will not be able to help him. In fact, you are making him worse.

Talk to your husband again. Tell him you want to work with him to help your son. Tell him if he is not willing to do that,that you will have to go the legal route and you will push for an evaluation as you are desperately worried about your son.

When you say you shout at him, is that a regualar occurance? If it is, you might need to address that. It would only make things worse. I do understand that nobody is perfect, but you need to try to keep control of your emotions. How old is your son? Was he behaving like this before the seperation? If it only started when you guys started to hit the rocks, then it is probably fixable by showing a united front and reasurringhim that you are there for him, but not together as Mammy and Daddy. But if it was there before your troubles, then it might be more deep rooted.

Either way, your son needs help to sort out hispoor little head.

LegacyUser

Hi beth-lou

We were never married.
I've spoken to my ex every day in past week to see can we talk or with 3rd party and he is not interested, he's not agreed to anything as such.
I've rung him on many occassions over past month to ask for help with our son's behaviour but in the end all he was interested in was blaming me and wanting to know 'what I was doing' to cause it.
I shouted at him twice in past month after he refused to go to his room. I've been reduced to tears on many occassions. I've even rung Parentline. I bought a Parenting book and I'm trying to do the best I can but the child just goes to daddy and plays me off and daddy believes him. I let me son go back to daddy a day early recently to see would that help.
I got him in to Rainbows & I've spoken to the course director several times about him and she's very helpful. I've spoken to child counsellor and want to make an appointment but can't due to current situation. I have a GP's appointment next week so I can arrange a phychiatric evaluation.
Daddy is doing nothing. I know my son has issues with me and I want to fix it. I was always to blame and I have no support network and I know this will take hard work.

It's breaking my heart, I shed so much tears over this. His dad won't work with me - I've begged - I have to just do as best I see fit now. Another week or so may help with my son and I can wait but it won't change my ex.

Taltos

Until his father plays ball you are not going to make much headway here.
You both need to be consistent in how you treat your son, same message coming from both parents has a better chance of sinking in.

Right now your son is blaming you for all his woes - rightly or wrongly - this is what he believes and of course your ex being human may even be subconciously re-affirming that.

First off you and your ex need to sit down and talk this all through - if not with a professional - would he agree to a 3rd party - someone you both know and trust?

Failing that then it is time to play hardball - though I hate to suggest this as it is just as likely to backfire - go for full custody with controlled visitation. Your son needs a stable environment - if you both cannot supply this working together then you need to provide this yourself. As I said not nice - and the son might initially hate you more - but what are the choices?
If you do not nip this behaviour in the bud it could potentially worsen.

Best of luck - not a nice place to be right now.

beth-lou

It sounds as though you are doing the best that you can. It must be incredibly frustrating for you to get no support whatsoever from his Dad. What his Dad is doing is very wrong and not fair on your son. He should at least be willing to have him assessed for your sons sake.

I would go and talk to a solicitor at this stage then. It is not going to help your son one bit if his father uses this as a convienient way of holding on to your son. The law is actually on your side with regards to custody and since you are not married, you would most likely get custody of your son. However I think joint custody is the best option if at all possible. Talk to a solicitor. At the end of the day he is your son too, and you can insist on his assessment and legally there is no reason why you can't. Take your son to the doctor adn make that appointment. I really hope you can get to the bottom of this. I think you might have to get a legal custody arrangment if your ex is so unwilling to help with the situation. It sounds as though he is burying his head in the sand and is quite happy to have your son full time. The thing is, that is not really fair on your son.

All the best to you and I hope you get it sorted. Go and get legal advice, and get informed. It's a very sad situation for you and your son and he deserves to get the help you are trying to get for him. x

LegacyUser

Sorry I should have explained I did see solicitor last Friday and he is applying for a court date. In the meantime I continued to try and reason with ex (as suggested by solicitor and so on). Ex is very against intervention - he told me at weekend I was the one who needed counselling. He knows that I am going to arrange a phychiatric evaluation.
These problems started during our relationship - probably about 2 years ago when son was 5. Son saw a lot of fighting and his father was nasty and hit me a couple of times which child witnessed. The behavior died off but flared up with a vengance lately and it's worrying and needs to be assessed.
All his dad ever says is 'he's not like that with me'.
My son is fine in school etc. I've checked with his teacher.

There are many things my ex refuses to be conistent over, bedtimes routines and most of all discipline. He would be very lax in that regard and there is part of the problem. Child gets away with it. You cannot 'force' someone to parent the same as you, you work around it and you just do the best you can in your own home.

I think you are right, he is burying his head in the sand. There are problems and it is easier to ignore them by denying child of one parent. One parent has moved on already and is in a new relationship and instead of helping child adapt to this is is saying 'it's a bad idea'...but he doesn't get to decide these things.

He has a short memory, it's only 7 years ago that I pushed that child in to the world and gave him a son and yet he wants to dismiss my existance. How dare he treat our son like that and use him.

CDfm

I am not a fan of the court system having been thru it as a Dad.

There are 2 organisations who may be helpful and I would get in touch straightaway.

Gingerbread -the single and seperated parents support group were running joint parenting classes and are a support group http://www.gingerbread.ie/

The second being Parental Equality (though associated with men as parents) it assists both mothers and fathers http://www.parentalequality.ie/pe/default.asp

Even if there is game playing by either parent you wont get this in front of others etc.

Your 50/50 sharing is great and your approach should be the norm.

Best of luck. The hardest part is probably the initial call to the support groups.

LegacyUser

Thanks CDFM.

I have spoken to one of those groups in the past. However I doubt if they will be able to help with this. I've mentioned Parenting courses before and after separation and if a horse doesn't want to come to water...... etc.

We share him 50:50. He's a lucky child really, things can be much worse in separation. I'm not bitter at all and do what is best for the child. His dad actually ended up with him 4 days a week over winter and picking him up from school as I ended up working full-time and so on. His dad was obvious choice over a stranger.

I've always been reasonable, put our son first, kept open communication on regualar basis with ex, he come in to my home and so on.... but unfortunately I'm the scapegoat and I'm not dealing with someone capabable of thinking on the same level at all.

When I first sent a solicitor's letter to him to open negotiations nearly 2 years ago (we are living apart 15 months) he responded by threatening to sue for sole custoday based on my mental state of health and stating I was an unfit mother... so we are here yet again & it is not going to happen a 3rd time.

Splendour

barbiegirl wrote: »

Dad shouldn't want to go to court as he will not (in all liklihood) get anywhere near 50/50 access. He should be aware of this. Though in all fairness he is doing just what I would do if my child said they were afaid of someone. However he does also need ot realise your son has issues and also that like every kid he will manipulate you against one another to get his own way.
Good luck talking to son tonight.

Cetainly didn't work that way in my case...

In my situation, my ex husband went to court to get access of my two sons, despite them having lived with me for 8 years.
After eight years of my kids (and me) hearing c**p from their Dad,financial worries and health problems, no support with regards to raising kids, I was extremely stressed.
One night I heard my son on the phone giving out to his Dad that I spend all my money on myself (I'd refused to buy him a €100 pair of runners). It was the straw that broke the camel's back and I put the kids in the car and drove them to their Dads. That was a thursday night, the following monday, he applied for custody of the boys. My younger son cried his eyes out to come home; at first his Dad wouldn't let him but after a couple of days he relented.

Court hearing was a couple of months later and was postponed. Second time the judge wanted a section 20 done(social worker calling and interviewing kids etc...) and left my son with his Dad on an 'interim'. The section 20 took another few months. Back to court again and the social worker suggested mediation. Another few weeks for this and this was a waste; ex said he absolutely hates me an didn't want to be there, so the mediator said there was no point in continuing. Back to court again and at this stage (about a year and a half later), my ex brings my son into court who said he wants to stay at his Dad's. This was extremely difficult for me, although after such a time span, I could understand my son's reasoning; he was at a new school, new friends, an his Dad has loads of money (always a pull for a teen!). This court hearing was half heard, and we were told to come back-again!
Ten court cases later, I had no choice but to leave my son where he is as it is over two years at this stage.
So one of my sons live with their Dad and one with me. The worst of it is they are 40 miles apart and only see each other every two weeks. (My ex moved away form our local area when he moved in with girlfriend) It is absolutely heartbreaking that my sons are growing up apart and I'm missing out so much on my older sons life... I hate the court system in this country that allowed this to happen to my children.


Unreg, sorry for long winded post but it is not always the case that my advice to you is try and talk if you can to both your son and his Dad. It is so dificult if your son's Dad is controlling the situation-I had this even before my son went to live with his Dad. Brainwashing works so easily with kids.

A word of advice about solicitors; I would remortgage my house if I could do it all over again to get my son back. If you have to go to court, get the best you possibly can afford!

With regards to your boyfriend; this possibly is causing confusion and is something you will have to address. It's a tricky one...

I hope you get sorted with it, take care...

Overheal

Well I'm sure you've been told this but you shouldn't be yelling at your son in such a delicate situation. Calmer heads need to prevail. Other than that I can't see that you aren't already exploring all your avenues here. Just remember that custody battles are long bitter and rarely if ever result in the happiest of endings. The only way you are going to get through it is by recognizing things will never be quite the same again no matter who comes out on the other side.

The only other things I can suggest are you begin keeping a record of everything, especially all of your interactions with the dad. Ask your solicitor if you are allowed to record phone calls - im iffy on the law there. Also the sooner you can involve a social care worker the better.

LegacyUser

As I said I can tell you exactly how many times I have shouted at him recently - twice in past 2 months and it's not a grounds for denying access. If you were being attacked, yes attacked by anyone, including your own child I defy you not to get upset or lose your temper at times. It's horrible to be abused by your own child. However I am doing my best but the stress I have been under with him is horrific and sometimes I've not been able to cope. You would be surprised how physical and abusive a very young child can be. It just puts me right back 2 years ago when his dad was here.
You turn to his father for help and he's not interested. I've rung him in tears but he didn't care to jump in then and help - foolish foolish me to thing he would help. You try 3rd party help and his father thinks this is wrong too. Everything is a 'bad idea' as far as he is concerned - from support groups to moving on with your life in a new relationship.
You have to live the situation of 50:50 joint physical custody to understand. You still have a close relationship with the other parent, you discuss things & faciliate each other. Suddenly there is a major issue with child and one parent won't play ball. You know if you parent tough the child will whinge to dad. You arrange counselling his dad disapproves. It's a no win situation and you have to go beyond the other parent's approval to fix it.

No matter what you do you are the big bad wolf but you have to carry on regardless and nobody is there to help you, nobody. My own father supports my ex for heaven's sake. I have nobody to come here and help me with my son's behaviour.

I am writing things down and keep plodding away in the background. Off to give him is phone now.

Can you tell me Overheal what a social care worker is etc. and what involvment should they have?

Amazotheamazing

Splendour wrote: »

It was the straw that broke the camel's back and I put the kids in the car and drove them to their Dads.

I hate the court system in this country that allowed this to happen to my children.

The Court system didn't do anything to your children. Yourself and your ex had plenty of opportunities to work out a reasonable arrangement with access, informally, mediation, etc. Eventually, when two adults couldn't agree a workable solution, the Courts had to no choice but to come to some sort of arrangement with the children's interest as paramount.

OP, the Courts as a general rule, are moving towards a child-centred approach to custody. Find out why your son doesn't want to go to your house and address it, because if you don't, and it gets to Court, the Courts will want to know what the child is thinking and give it due weight in granting custody.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks CDFM.

I have spoken to one of those groups in the past. However I doubt if they will be able to help with this. I've mentioned Parenting courses before and after separation and if a horse doesn't want to come to water...... etc.

When I first sent a solicitor's letter to him to open negotiations nearly 2 years ago (we are living apart 15 months) he responded by threatening to sue for sole custoday based on my mental state of health and stating I was an unfit mother... so we are here yet again & it is not going to happen a 3rd time.

I went thru this situation but with little access - my own view is that solicitors make things worse.The "professional" handling the court reports in my case was under investigation by their professional body the MEdical Council and suspended by the time my case was in court.

When you get into court you loose all control.I do know of mothers who had access and even some who have lost custody so I can empathise.

Eventually it settled down and now the kids are older they come and go as they pleae.So its best not to be too obsessive as to the here and now as kids live in a world of there own most of the time.

My situation was a bit extreme and I ended up going to court myself and doing enforcement orders myself consistantly and you can do that.

You are deliberately trying to do the right thing so you need to regulate it somewhat so it might be worth exploring non-court solutions with the help groups.



.

Splendour

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

The Court system didn't do anything to your children. Yourself and your ex had plenty of opportunities to work out a reasonable arrangement with access, informally, mediation, etc. Eventually, when two adults couldn't agree a workable solution, the Courts had to no choice but to come to some sort of arrangement with the children's interest as paramount.

Amazo, this is not my thread and I don't want to hyjack it, but have you ever dealt with someone who will absolutely work against you no matter what you do? My ex is so full of hate for me he would not even sit in the same room as me. How do you come to a reasonable arrangement with someone who is totally unreasonable? Someone who refuses flat out to look at you never mind talk! This same man doesn't talk to his daughter ( we lost a baby years ago and he told her the wrong daughter died. He's not talking to his 12 year old son either, despite the child holding out the olive branch). Did you read my line about mediation?


The court system let this case drag on for two years and prior to that deemed it fit for my children to live separately. The court system listened to my ex tell a ton of lies about me, didn't give me a chance to speak and then postponed the case till a few months later with a different judge who didn't look over the case. The court system didn't want to know about the brainwashing this man has done to my kids nor the abuse he gave me.
If the court system had sorted this out when it first went to court,and not let it drag on so long then my son would willingly have come home.

Have you kids and if so how would you feel if they were separated?

Now back on topic.
OP, your situation sounds similar to my own and you have my sympathies. I too got the 'unfit' mother bit thrown at me when he went for custody. So 'unfit' in fact he left the kids with me for eight years-the years of having to pay for child minders while I had to work!

I agree with CDfm about the 50/50 custody. I think if you can work it, it's the best situation all around. I know my son has said he would like to live 50/50 but 'cos his Dad moved so far away, it's not a possiblility.
More important than that though is communication and it sounds like you don't have that. Unfortunately, you will probably have to communicate soley through solicitors.
Don't feel bad about letting a few roars at your son-their isn't a parent around who hasn't done it. And when you're loneparenting and stressed it is so difficult. No one can judge you even if they've been there...

Please feel free to pm me if you wish.

LegacyUser

I just came back from visting my son. He won't tell me what's wrong (dad in room which doesn't help but he didn't want to talk in private either). However when I asked was he coming back next week as normal he said ok matter of fact, seemed fine, didn't argue. All my ex seemed to be interested in was getting my PPS number for his dole form (hope he hasn't some alterior motive).
He's so irritating. Important visit for me and he's annoying me over something he could ask at another time.
Anyway our son has a match tonight and his dad is taking him - unlike last week when I went to the pitch and he never bothered bringing him though he said he would which really annoyed me, these activities are so important. I'm going over too to watch.

I have a relative who thinks I should bring this to court but even my solicitor has advised talking as best method and that going to court usually destroys any relationship separtees have. I'm not going to pursue it if things go ok in the next couple of weeks but I may have to pick it up again at any minute. Who knows - by next week my son may have changed his mind.

I'm much happier anyway that my son seems more settled as of this moment.

Co-parenting in separate homes is hard enough. When I arrived there was my son lying on sofa with TV & nintendo left on doing his homework (dad was doing much of it for him)... no wonder I can't get him to sit at a table & turn things off

CDfm

OP - if you can resolve it by "peaceful" means thats best.

I have seen mothers loose custody and visatation to kids and I have a certain empathy.Its not publicised but it does happen.

I got a great bit of advice that kids need a sence of community and always did make sure there were kids for them to play with where possible. If you dont have friends with kids his age then playgrounds and kids club cinema as a treat every week.

Summer is coming up and its time for you to be sunny with it for your son and arrange holidays even.

What I am saying is be optimistic - but realistic.

I once went into a shop with my kids and bought 50 or 100 strawberry chuba pops.

LegacyUser

I know CDfm & I have always tried to use 'peaceful means' - I tried mediation to sort house and access out at one point but had to give up.

There are plenty of children in the estate for him to play with, they have been looking for him however he has been a little withdrawn lately but I've simply invited them in if he wouldn't go out.

Funny we did a trip to the cinema the weekend before this kicked off, I do try

We will go on a little summer holiday, even if it is just to stay in my uncle's mobile home by the sea 20 miles away which he would lend us.

I just stood with his dad, united from, in the bitter cold for over an hour watching our son play Gaelic & my son just rang me on the new phone I gave him to say goodnight.


That's the best and more that anyone can ask for in one day.

CDfm

Thats a fairly good day.:)

Little kids love routine so you might make the cinema your thing and playgrounds.

Be upbeat -you owe it to yourself.

metrovelvet

Imo 50/50 custody is parent,not child centred. I know many disagree but thats ok. I come from the perspective of both a parent and a child of divorce.

If i were you Id avoid the courts as they are designed not in the interest of children but in making money for lawyers.

If things are that bad then I would let him have full custody with every other weekend visitation for you plus coming over for tea twice a week or something like that.

LegacyUser

Well all studies show that 50:50 shared parenting is the best option for the children.
How do you mean it is parent orientated? It actually is not necessarily the easiest option at all believe me. I want my son to spend as much time with both of us as possible but working closely with is dad is not always easy and rather not have to have that level of relationship with him - but we made a baby and that's our bed.

I don't think living him with his dad most of the time is the best answer either - have to address the issues firstly.

Anyway, our children are only on loan to us. In a few years he will be going to secondary school and will have more say in which parent he will want to spend most of his time with, will start to become his choice. 10 years from now he'll be doing his Leaving Cert please God. Such a short space of time and that's why I work so hard now at it.

Splendour

Unregistered wrote: »

I know CDfm & I have always tried to use 'peaceful means' - I tried mediation to sort house and access out at one point but had to give up.

There are plenty of children in the estate for him to play with, they have been looking for him however he has been a little withdrawn lately but I've simply invited them in if he wouldn't go out.

Funny we did a trip to the cinema the weekend before this kicked off, I do try

We will go on a little summer holiday, even if it is just to stay in my uncle's mobile home by the sea 20 miles away which he would lend us.

I just stood with his dad, united from, in the bitter cold for over an hour watching our son play Gaelic & my son just rang me on the new phone I gave him to say goodnight.


That's the best and more that anyone can ask for in one day.

Well done OP, keep up the contact no matter what happens...

LegacyUser

I will Splendour & thanks (though he's sick listening to me but that's his issue if he hates communicating, has a child and he has to)
I said to him last night that if this happens again I want to have a meeting straight away and not let the situation get as bad. Told him I'd be down to his house to sit down with our son and sort it out next time and hoped he agreed that that was the way to go. He said nothing either way. All I can do now is keep my head down and wait until collect my son next week as normal and work away on the issues here.

LegacyUser

A word of caution. I had a conversation with my adult son that he had not been better off after seperation and had wished for a normal life in his teens.

So it is not a competition between you and your former partner about who is or is not the better parent. There are practical issues of where the child lives,plays football and goes to school which matter.

You might divorce but your child doesn't.

Its unfair to think that your child should be unaffected by your domestic arrangements and that your decisions have not affected him. You should not assume because you are his mother that you are the one he trusts.

So you should think long and hard about bring more changes into his young life.

LegacyUser

I haven't made any assumptions or not considered that all this has had a major affect on our son unregistered. Neither do I assume he will trust me more or want to be with me more simply because I am his mother, far from it.
I've never seen it as a competition either.

I'm sorry I don't understand your post. Is it meant to refer to my situation or just a general comment. What changes are you referring to? Is that just a general comment post separation and what is best as what you say would ring true?

Maybe if you could tell us what your adult son had wished for it might help me understand where you are coming from.

The Corinthian

I think it appalling that the father has reacted like this.

A good parent, should try to get over their personal feelings as best as they can and not entertain "I hate mum/dad" scenarios. What he should be doing is to find out why your child is acting like this and to work towards a solution, instead of this control crap. Neither parent should use their child like this.

It may also be a case of the child seeking stability and not hopping from one home to another. If that's the case you should consider some form of mutual solution.

Unless there is a real and tangible reason (abuse, etc) why your child should not live like this, then really the father should not be behaving in such a despicable fashion.

Suggest one or two sessions with a child psychologist to get to the bottom of this, as he may also be able to suggest a workable compromise.

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

is that just a general comment post separation and what is best as what you say would ring true?

Maybe if you could tell us what your adult son had wished for it might help me understand where you are coming from.

Seemed like a general comment. One I can relate to. By your teens in that situation you just want it to end - ie. your parents fighting or not speaking with eachother. You get sick of the inevitable feuding or competition or rude comments about the other half. As a divorce develops you really ought to be aware of that, the pair of you. You'll burn your bridges now or a year from now and then when he he really gets into trouble and needs his parents behind him someday, you still wont be able to come together for him. Or if you do, you'd be able to swim on the tension in the room. The one that suffers from this of course is the kid.

That was my parents anyway. My stepmother and her ex didn't like eachother either but they were very civil to eachother always. You wouldnt have any problem getting them together for tea or a communion like (not that they chose to sit together but hey ). Much better for the kids than the above scenario.

metrovelvet

Overheal wrote: »

Seemed like a general comment. One I can relate to. By your teens in that situation you just want it to end - ie. your parents fighting or not speaking with eachother. You get sick of the inevitable feuding or competition or rude comments about the other half. As a divorce develops you really ought to be aware of that, the pair of you. You'll burn your bridges now or a year from now and then when he he really gets into trouble and needs his parents behind him someday, you still wont be able to come together for him. Or if you do, you'd be able to swim on the tension in the room. The one that suffers from this of course is the kid.

That was my parents anyway. My stepmother and her ex didn't like eachother either but they were very civil to eachother always. You wouldnt have any problem getting them together for tea or a communion like (not that they chose to sit together but hey ). Much better for the kids than the above scenario.

boy did you get it in one! You also never get to see two adults resolving anything.you also never have the security of backup,that you have people behind you,when those people are always squabling,it creates an insecurity. What the dad is doing is no less than abduction.you have grounds to call the police. Maybe art therapy would help son.he obviously doesnt feel safe talking to either of you.

CDfm

Nice post Overheal - OP you cant see things your childs way because he sees things his own way and probably believes in Santa and the Elves and one day Mommy and Daddy were in love and now they are not.

On top of the arguments your boy is probably insecure and withdrawn. He is only seven and thats how seven year olds see the world and react to upheaval in a very "thread carefully for you thread on my dreams" way -if he is a sensitive child..

I really dont want to go into your relationship with your ex but this kind of stuff is very much part of the course and you and your ex with the best of intentions forget he is just a kid with kids feelings.You need empathy and for now "your ex" probably represents home and security.

My 15 yo girl comes to me during her crises so thats allowed. That doesnt reflect on her mother just that we have different ways and she can do both grown up and little girl with me.

I wouldnt go looking for a therapist yet I think your boy is reacting normally to stuff like feelings that are beyond his understanding. So it will take time and a court order wont change his feelings.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. I'll do my best to tread as soft as I can -which is what I do generally but I'll be doubly mindful. Wait to see if phychiatric evaluation comes up with something.

I'm very civil - it is my ex that will walk away from me, he sees my communication as having a go at him I think - but we have to talk about some major things. Rest of the time I leave him alone in his parenting, I'm happy enough to know my son is cared for and not neglected and I you have to give up a certain amount of control there. Many women don't or rather won't do this. We do go to health visits and occasions together and can be united and I think this is very important.

No matter what you do or say children will always want their parents to get back together.

It's annoying now to hear today that my son didn't go to school as daddy didn't get much sleep as he has a health issue that was bothering and has had to go to hospital a couple of times. I could have brought him or even kept him here but there you go. Again if this is only an occasional occurence you have to keep it in perspective even if irritating.

CDfm

OP I think you are handling this very well and are a good person & you shouldnt loose the values you have.

I dont think you will learn anything from the assessment. Now a few weeks at the beach digging worms may help. PM me if you want any hints on crab fishing:).

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Probably not CDFm - I've been there myself in life and I tried all the healing & therapy and I know the key is with me and once I'm ok he'll be ok.

I need to give him lot's of time and what I think I'll do next time he kicks off is remove both of us from the situation and go somewhere, see what happens while I work through it.
However I'll let that go ahead this time as I am concerned with some of the things he's been doing and saying about himself & life and if he takes a little therapy to express his feelings so be it. He tells me a lot anyway. I know he doesn't like me having a bf, thinks I hate his grandad, things about me & dad - the usual stuff.