Ex GF owes me money

LegacyUser

Hi,

My GF of 6 years and I broke up around Xmas. We were both on good speaking terms for the first few months but after awhile, realised it was stopping us both moving on. To help with the pain, we cut the cord for the time being and have agreed not to talk until sometime this summer or later.

My worry is, she still owes me money. She struggled financially throughout the course of our relationship so I had to help her out with rent on a number of occasions. When we broke up, she owed me three full months rent and I said I needed the money back. Last time we spoke, she was still struggling with money and said 'she'll pay me when she can'. That was months ago and now I'm in a financial position where I need the money!

I am not ready to start talking to her again cos I really feel I still need my space to fully get over things. If I thought that I could just call her or text her and she'd send the money, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But that wouldn't be the case, at the moment, I'd give it about a 90% chance that she'd give me some sob story about her still struggling with the money and my cause wouldn't matter cos 'she just doesn't have it yet'.

She doesn't deny owing me the money, nor does she dispute the amount that she owes me. But I have nothing in writing, no proof, no backup at all for what she owes me so if she does decide to scam me and start denying that she owed me anything, I have no leg to stand on.

I really don't want to call her up and have to argue with her for hours about it being my money and having to tell her about how much I need it cos I really don't want to have a long drawn out talk with her. It's still too awkward between us to get into the relationship / how you getting on / seeing anyone else new conversations. If I could have a 5 minute phone call with her and only talk about the money so we could come to a solution, I'd do it. But I really don't think it would be that easy.

I know I'm not exactly presenting a story with a lot of available solutions but any advice at all, good or bad, would be much appreciated.

And before anyone suggests it:
1) yes I know I shouldn't have lent her money in the first place
2) that is not advice!

Wibbs

I dunno, if you need the money you're going to have to bite the bullet and contact her. Rehearse in your head before you do, that you won't talk about the relationship and stick to that. If she tries to bring it up ignore it, or simply say (nicely), it's not the reason I rang you.

If she can't come up with the lump sum, well suggest a payment plan that she sends you a cheque every week or whatever until it's cleared?

kmick

Why would you think all of sudden she has transformed her money management and now has three months rent in her back pocket. Being realistic about this you are not getting it back. I mean the fact you dont even want to talk to her means that you cant even find out if she has the money. I think you know yourself the money is gone. You will just be wasting your time and winding yourself up going after it.

LegacyUser

i don't think you are going to get this back, you'll probably just ruin any goodwill between you, a few shares of the rent for a couple together 6yrs seems pretty insignificant - sure it seems alot now that you are short and it would go very far at the mo i'm sure.. but you let it slide and slide for so long it begins to look like a couple just sharing expenses and less like a contracted loan..

like judge judy would say, if you're gonna play house and you're not married, dont expect the courts to work out who spent every penny on who..

On the other hand if you want to ask her for it you could write a note or email, or you could warn her first that the phonecall will be about money before you ring her, so you don't end up talkin all that other jazz

LegacyUser

kmick wrote: »

Why would you think all of sudden she has transformed her money management and now has three months rent in her back pocket. Being realistic about this you are not getting it back. I mean the fact you dont even want to talk to her means that you cant even find out if she has the money. I think you know yourself the money is gone. You will just be wasting your time and winding yourself up going after it.

OP Here.

Hate to say how much I agree with you. But we're not talking about a few hundred quid here. We're talking three full months' rent. I'm not gonna give you a number but if I did, it would have 4 digits. And that's money that I just can't afford to concede. If this was a year ago, I'd probably be in a position to grudgingly bite my tongue and forget the money. But the recession has hit me hard and that money is very important to me right now.

I feel I'm in a position where I have three choices:

1) Wait until a time when 'she has it' and pays me on her own accord (which for all I know could be years or never)

2) Confront her and say that I need the money now and that I don't care if she has to take out a bank loan or borrow the money from her parents, it's my money and I was kind enough to lend it to her interest free for so long. I now need it back

3) Talk to her and try to hammer out a payment plan (which she would more than likely default on no matter how relaxed the terms of it are)

I could just take the above poster's advice and just forget about it. That'd be like taking option 1 and just never expecting it. Then if I ever did receive any of it, it would be like a bonus.

kittenkiller

I think the only thing to do is to propose a payment plan.

There has to be something she can go without for a month or two.
Hair, nails, nights out, eating out etc.

Call her when youu've prepared yourself or what about an email first to prepare her too?
If you cathc her off guard, she'll probably just try to tell you that it's not a good time or something, this way you have the back up of "Well I did email you about it yesterday!" and if she replied to the mail, then you have your written proof!

Best of luck, but don't hold you breath for a nice big lump sum.

LegacyUser

OP.. the important thing is how rigid the loan was when you made it, not how much you need the money now..

you say yourself you would have let it slide a year ago, so at the time you made them you probably foresaw you two staying together..

IMO you are totally at the behest of what she decides, if she decides to give you money well and good.. if she makes you take her to small claims you have little or no chance as long as she says the right things (without really even lying)

If it was me i'd start financial planning without this in mind at all.. if you get a red penny back it would be a bonus

LegacyUser

was in a similar position with my ex except throw wedding savings into the mix.

Whole thing came apart at the seams last year, not only did she then write off what she owed me which was a few grand, she also kept all our savings for the wedding for the last few years. Her justification was I already had a house with furniture etc but she didn't. Didn't bother pointing out I had worked my ass off to save enough to buy it before I met her or that I'd been paying the mortgage on my own the whole time I was with her.

Decided to write it off in the end. She got the last few years bill and rent free plus loans for a few holidays and spending money thrown in courtesy of muggins here. Last I heard is she's looking at places in her hometown as she now has enough to pay off a sizeable amount of a mortgage.

When you break up all bets are off concerning any lends. Chances are it is not worth the hassle, pain, recrimination and fighting that will envitably follow. If she has made no effort to start paying you back and has ignored any reference to it up until now I doubt she has any intention of paying you back.

My advice? Cut your losses and get on with your life. The sooner you do that the sooner she is out of your life. Took me 6 months to learn that. That money is gone, same way as money you spent on yourself 6 months back is gone. Just plan with what you have, not with what you would like to have back.

Miss Fluff

Contact her and work out a payment plan with her. Is she in full time employment? If so work it out that she pays you €250 a month over 4 months for example. I wouldn't let it go either, you lent it to her in good faith.

(Incidentally, I'm presuming at the time that you did in fact stipulate it was a loan and not a gift?)

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Contact her and work out a payment plan with her. Is she in full time employment? If so work it out that she pays you €250 a month over 4 months for example. I wouldn't let it go either, you lent it to her in good faith.

(Incidentally, I'm presuming at the time that you did in fact stipulate it was a loan and not a gift?)

OP here.

Absolutely! It was a loan. It was for rent and I paid it on the condition that she'd pay me back once she sorted out her finances. Since I lent it to her, she lost her job and I'm not sure if she has gotten a new one yet (we haven't spoken in two months). From Xmas til the time we broke up, she was just sponging off her parents

vandermeyde

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here.

Absolutely! It was a loan. It was for rent and I paid it on the condition that she'd pay me back once she sorted out her finances. Since I lent it to her, she lost her job and I'm not sure if she has gotten a new one yet (we haven't spoken in two months). From Xmas til the time we broke up, she was just sponging off her parents

well then you aint going to get the money back. You've drawn a line under the relationship so it's time to do the same with this money. Chalk it down to experience and move on.

Barracudaincork

If you really cant be dealing with talking to her, then get a friend to call her and ask her for it, explaining that you are sticking to your side of the agreement of not speaking till end of summer etc but this matter needs to be dealt with as you need the money now, just like she did then. Do not under any circumstances get one of your parents to call, that would look really crappy and immature, but a friend who can act as a go between would be good.

Have in advance a plan for what you think is acceptable i.e. €50 a month until its paid or €500 a month. Know exactly what you will be happy with so you cant be talked into something different.

Dont get too hung up on it though, if you dont get the money, put it down to a lesson learnt and move on. Good luck!!!

turgon

Tbh if you are afraid she will default, and you stress how much you need it, I don't think there should be any problem going to the bank and her getting out a loan. That way your guaranteed upfront payment and she has no option to default.

I know there will be interest but that will be motivation for her to pay it off faster.

As you said, its a recession, and if she cant appreciate you giving her the loan already and waiting until now to ask then she doesnt deserve the lenient treatment you have thus far given her.

LegacyUser

Three months rent, hardly the end of the world. In the course of a relationship money gets spent back and forth. If she had any decency she would pay you back. If she is bad with money then it's unlikely she is going to save up and hand the money over. If you are not bothered about the relationship ending friendly then you should contact her parents ask them for the money and for them to take the money back off her in a weekly basis that the payment plan would just cause hassle and you don't want that.

AARRRGH

If I were you, I'd start an e-mail conversation with her about it, so there's a bit of a paper trail that the money is indeed owed.

But if she doesn't have the money, she doesn't have the money...

LegacyUser

My ex owes me 1500 plus from last year.

Yes it was loaned in good faith of course, but he had job losses and big debts/hardship. But I broke up wih him and broke his heart so TBH I don't really want to go harassing him for money too, if it comes back to me, cool, if not, so be it. I'm not rich either BTW.

You've managed so far without this money, do you really need it?

Are you sure you're not using this money thing as somewhere to project anger about the relationship?
Could this be a way of 'hanging onto' the girl?

If you really have to, a brief email about payment plan... don't go involving anyone's parents in anything. Better to loose a few quid than your dignity!

And try to work out if its worth the agro.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Three months rent, hardly the end of the world. In the course of a relationship money gets spent back and forth. If she had any decency she would pay you back. If she is bad with money then it's unlikely she is going to save up and hand the money over. If you are not bothered about the relationship ending friendly then you should contact her parents ask them for the money and for them to take the money back off her in a weekly basis that the payment plan would just cause hassle and you don't want that.

Go tell on her to her parents to shame her?! What age are you? 12?

I'm sure the OP would do better to come out of this looking like a man.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Go tell on her to her parents to shame her?! What age are you? 12?

I'm sure the OP would do better to come out of this looking like a man.

The OP sounds like he wants to get petty, that's a petty thing to do. Personally I think he should forget about it and put it down to a lesson learned...

Nitxteha

Unregc wrote: »

i don't think you are going to get this back, you'll probably just ruin any goodwill between you, a few shares of the rent for a couple together 6yrs seems pretty insignificant - sure it seems alot now that you are short and it would go very far at the mo i'm sure.. but you let it slide and slide for so long it begins to look like a couple just sharing expenses and less like a contracted loan..

like judge judy would say, if you're gonna play house and you're not married, dont expect the courts to work out who spent every penny on who..

On the other hand if you want to ask her for it you could write a note or email, or you could warn her first that the phonecall will be about money before you ring her, so you don't end up talkin all that other jazz

totally agree with this.

Toots

turgon wrote: »

Tbh if you are afraid she will default, and you stress how much you need it, I don't think there should be any problem going to the bank and her getting out a loan. That way your guaranteed upfront payment and she has no option to default.

I know there will be interest but that will be motivation for her to pay it off faster.

As you said, its a recession, and if she cant appreciate you giving her the loan already and waiting until now to ask then she doesnt deserve the lenient treatment you have thus far given her.

Unfortunately, if she's jobless and rubbish with money, odds are on the banks aren't going to give her a loan either.

MadgeBadge

Hey OP, I find myself similarly placed, and so can empathise.

It's really irritating, and bit of a kick in the face (especially if you really need it, god my credit card bill is huge), but you might have to write this one off. Personally, I found breaking up difficult enough without anyone becoming even more embittered, or angry.

It's kind of like losing the deposit on your relationship.

merlie

Hello OP,

I know we are in recession times but logically from your post apart from you needing the money now, I doubt that your ex, will be able to pay, since as you state she has lost her job. If she has not got a new one perhaps she is claiming job seekers, and if so she will not be able to give you much from that. It may also be that she owes money to other people or has bills outstanding and is trying to clear them off first. During your relationship, when you lent her the money, you should have made it clear to her about sorting out a payment plan or that you will get back to her with one both of you are happy with.

Legally you wouldnt have a leg to stand on as you have no proof and in anycase it would be more hassle than its worth. You may need the money now but really you should have thought of it before lending out big like that, you could have asked yourself, can she afford to pay me back .

I have to say if she cannot afford to pay you then at least she should be able to borrow some cash off her parents to give to you and she can pay them back over a longer time than you have. You can ask her to ask them for the cash, its probably your only option. But if this is a no go, then you will have to write the debt off as bad judgement on your part.

Joey the lips

There is something wrong here!

If my o/h owed me money after a month I would realise there is something wrong and help her out. If your o/h owes you 3 months there is something seriously wrong!

You chances of getting this back! Zero!

Your broke up! Good luck on that score I figure 3 months rent assuming your living alone is 1000 euro. Whats her chances of having this now that you are not together!

Forget it move on and dont give her something to take the p1ss about you on....


At the bottom i wonder if its a sour feeling about breaking up that has you chasing this money -

dreamer_ire

You lent it to her when she was your gf, now she's not you want it back? It does sound like you are looking for your pound of flesh tbh. If you were serious about getting the money back you would have set up a payment plan the second she fell 2 months behind with the rent but you didn't.

This is one of those suck it up moments in life, forget about the money, learn from it and move on OP.

CDfm

You probably will get a sob story but yes you should ask her as you genuinely need the money.

Then depending on what she says you will know whether or not to write the money off.

There is a positive even if she doesnt pay as it will help you come to terms with the break up.

LegacyUser

to avoid the hassle, you should just consider it a write off..
3/4 months rent, so its gotta be around 2000?
If I were in your positon and I needed money badly, i would try to borrow it off a family member before having to chase her for it. If you got similar friends, she could be saying crap to them about you chasing her for money, which in turn cud make u look like the person at fault..

StormWarrior

If I was in your position OP, I would first get proof in writing that she owes me, and how much, as previous posters have said, email or text her about it in a way that gets her to admit it with some details, ie:
"Really need that 1500euros you borrowed from me for your rent for June-August, when do you think you'll have it?"
Then if she emails back something like, "Don't have it right now, sorry"
at least she's admitting she owes you, how much and what for.

Then, I think you should send her a letter in writing and sent special delivery and post a copy special delivery to yourself as proof of the date you sent it, don't open the letter you send yourself, write something like this:

Dear Stephanie,
As you know, I loaned you 500 euros a month, on the dates of 24th June, 24th July and 24th August 2008, (in total, 1500 euros) to pay your rent. You agreed to pay me back when you could. It's been a year now and I still have not recieved any payment from you, nor any information about exactly when you will begin paying me. I would like you to begin paying me back at the rate of 150 euros per month, starting from 24th May. You can either post me a cheque or contact me to arrange to set up a standing order. I hope that we can reolve this amicably, but in case we can't, I have obtained email evidence where you admit that you owe me this money and I have a sealed special delivery-sent copy of this letter. If you will not begin paying me back, I will have no option but to take legal action.
Yours faithfully,
Harold Godwin."


Obviously change the details as appropriate. Moral of the story, don't lend you lover large amounts of money, ever! When my ex boyfriend found out that i had £3000 savins, he had the cheek to ask me to lend him £2000 to pay off his credit card but thankfully I had the sense to refuse!
btw how did you give her the money, cash or cheque?

statss

i heard of similarish story from a mate, who, realizing he wasn't going to get his money back, got a friend who owed him a favor, to do a bit of damage to her car. nice!