Gonna be a dad?

LegacyUser

Living in another country at the moment which requires a permit.
GF is visiting me from a non-EU country which means she can only stay here 3 months on holiday VISA.

GF is on pill but lately last week confessed she has not been taking the pill for the last few weeks. So we have been having sex without contraception.

Her period was due last weekend but now shes late. Shes dizzy, has heartburn, feels sick, has headaches, is moody. Im gonna be a dad, yeah ?

She confessed she was trying to get pregnant without telling me but now regrets it and is worried now that she may be pregnant. She now says she doesnt want to be pregnant.

Im 33, shes 30.

My head is messed up today.

If shes pregnant, I will be very happy to be a father and will love the child so much. But how could she do that to me?

Wibbs

Get a pregnancy test first and foremost. I say fair play to you being so accepting of the thoughts of a child and indeed of her. Personally I would scrape her and the potential child off. Even if I wanted to be a father, I wouldn't want someone like that as the mother. To willingly plan something which would affect me for the rest of my life, without my input and assuming I would just fold and go along with it? Eh no. I couldn't trust her one iota. Indeed I would insist on a paternity test too, but the dates seem to suggest you would be the potential father. I mean seriously, this is worse than cheating as far as trust and boundaries go. At least with cheating it would be scrape her off and that would be that. Now there could be a kid involved. Harsh maybe but as I say that would be me.

LegacyUser

Im certain if shes pregnant its me, I mean shes here 2 months now and had her last period last month.

Accepting ? Or the child yes, or her? Im so confused.

Im very angry, sad, disappointed and frustrated that she has done this to me. Wheres the trust ?

Can she do a pregnancy test now ? Or how long to wait ?

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Living in another country at the moment which requires a permit.
GF is visiting me from a non-EU country which means she can only stay here 3 months on holiday VISA.

GF is on pill but lately last week confessed she has not been taking the pill for the last few weeks. So we have been having sex without contraception.

Her period was due last weekend but now shes late. Shes dizzy, has heartburn, feels sick, has headaches, is moody. Im gonna be a dad, yeah ?

She confessed she was trying to get pregnant without telling me but now regrets it and is worried now that she may be pregnant. She now says she doesnt want to be pregnant.

Im 33, shes 30.

My head is messed up today.

If shes pregnant, I will be very happy to be a father and will love the child so much. But how could she do that to me?

What a despicable thing to do. In situations like this I do feel for the man as there is no legal come back. People say 'you should have used a condom to be sure' but she deliberately misled you. If you had an incurable STD and knowingly gave it to her by having unprotected sex, you would be charged and probably go to prison. She deceives you and you're probably going to be financially responsible for this kid for the rest of your life.

She says now she doesn't want to be pregnant? What a complete headwrecker. If she isn't pregnant, I wouldn't waste a second telling her to f**k all the way off. If she is, you should look into legal rights/obligations in this situation.

Lollipops23

that is the most horrible thing to do.how dare she make a life-changing decision for you??she was trying to trap you; she cannot be trusted. as Wibbs said, even if you want a child,do you want someone like her as the mother?

get a test to confirm it.she's hoping to get pregnant so may be imagining symptoms that aren't there.

Foxhound38

That is one of the single most horrible things any women can do to a man. To fundamentally change the course of your life without your input is indefensible. First thing to do is get a pregnancy test. If she is indeed pregnant, this puts you in a difficult situation. You may have to care for her needs and support her financially. I know this is a hard pill to swallow and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but bear in mind that her well-being is now directly connected with the well-being of your Child, so try to look at it as supporting the Child, not the Mother.

When the baby is born, I would get a paternity test organized ASAP just to be sure. If she was willing to trap you like this then there is no doubt in my mind that she would be capable of trying to make you think you are responsible for a child that is not yours.

And a word of advice OP, break it off with her. You don't need to have a relationship with the mother to have a healthy relationship with your child, and what she did was completely unacceptable.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I will be very happy to be a father and will love the child so much.

Fair play, and best of luck.

Unregistered wrote: »

She confessed she was trying to get pregnant without telling me but now regrets it and is worried now that she may be pregnant. She now says she doesnt want to be pregnant.

She's a selfish, irresponsible b***h from the sounds of it. :mad:

By all means stand by the child, but lose her ASAP.

Also, possibly consult a solicitor about the fact that she's landed you in the s**t and now has you (possibly) financially tied down for life, and also emphasise that anyone who'd try this isn't fit to be a mother.

If you'd gotten her pregnant under "normal" circumstances then you'd be responsible, so the reverse should also apply.

It sounds like you deserve much better and would be a decent dad; my hope for you is that she's not pregnant, so that you can kick her to touch for trying this and find someone worthwhile.

kittenkiller

Get her to do a test (preferably while your there so you know she's not playing any more tricks on you).
Once you know for sure, sit sown and discuss your options.

If she's regretting getting pregnant already, big talks need to happen.

You can take a test from when you've missed your first period (before in some cases), so that's no excuse!

Best of luck.

The Corinthian

As others have suggested, confirm a pregnancy. Do not have any more sex with her. Don't even sleep in the same bed.

She tried entrapment and now is reconsidering it. TBH, whatever about the child, this alone should be reason for you to have nothing more with her.

As for any future child, that's really up to you. I found myself in a pretty similar situation to yourself, but decided that whatever I thought of the mother I should not punish the child. At the same time, neither should you destroy your life for it. Decide how far you are willing to go and let her know. Be clear with her.

Legally, unfortunately, you're screwed.

My guess is that if she is pregnant and already reconsidering her plan, you dumping her will likely result in her terminating the pregnancy. After all, the child is ultimately a tool to entrap you and as it has failed to do that, it serves little purpose.

If she chooses to keep it, then you need to decide whether you want to be a part of the child's life and to what extent. This depends as much on her as you, largely because she can make your life a living Hell where it comes to any attempt to be involved to the point that you'll just give up.

I would consider getting a DNA test also, if I were you. If she was Machiavellian enough to attempt entrapment, there is no reason to believe that she would not also also attempt paternity fraud - however, unless proven otherwise assume it is yours.

If she's not pregnant, get rid of her. Now.

Wibbs

From a practical legal standpoint you may be in "luck". Both of you are living abroad, she is a non EU resident, so her legal recourse may be limited enough as far as hitting you for maintenance in this country. That's if you want to have nothing to do with the kid. That's up to you though and as others said you don't have to like her to be involved in the kids life. Then again as The Corinthian said, she can make your life a hell if she chooses to use the child as leverage against you and for herself. Given she will lie and plan against you for her own ends I would put good money she'll continue on that line. yes we all make mistakes, but that is going way too far. Now I admire men who will fight through that for the sake of the kid. Frankly I know I wouldn't bother as my principle would be, if she decided on her own to have a child without my input she can go ahead and raise it without my input too. TBH it wouldn't give me a second thought. I would consider it a form of assault on my life and reproductive choices. It was planned and done against your will. No ifs or buts.

What I would say is no matter what happens, is scrape her off and scrape her off fast. No matter how much you feel for her, she doesn't feel enough for you to respect one of the biggest boundaries there are. That and she is a complete nutbag that runs with her urges and thinks about the consequences afterwards. A very bad bet as a partner or indeed mother of your child. Now I may be colder than many, but I would hear no explanations or excuses from a person like that. It may well hurt me emotionally to lose her, but I would know to have her in my life would hurt me far more in the long run.

The Corinthian

Wibbs wrote: »

From a practical legal standpoint you may be in "luck". Both of you are living abroad, she is a non EU resident, so her legal recourse may be limited enough as far as hitting you for maintenance in this country.

Actually yes and no. There are various international agreements in place that enforce maintenance payments and so in theory she can sue you from where she lives (with the child) and on the basis of what is considered child maintenance there, have the judgement transferred to where you reside.

So if she lives in the US, she could get a judgement for 30% of your gross income (yes, that's what it is there) and apply to have it collected in Ireland.

Given this, it can be a very lengthy process. She can't do anything unless she has an address for you, and even then the process can be appealed and drawn out to the point whereby she will spend two Euro for every Euro she eventually ends up getting from you.

Additionally, as with the above example, such judgements can be appealed and there is absolutely no way (I've been told) that figures such as the above would be granted in Ireland or most of Europe.

Nonetheless, I would say that if you can be a father to the child you should try. I say try, because I frankly do think there are limits to this and it would be unjust in putting yourself in an early (paupers) grave if the mother is the sort to make you pay for rejecting her for the rest of your life.

However, do not tell her this before she makes a decision to keep the child or not as it will simply give her hope that she can leverage it into a full relationship with her in time.

Don't kid yourself, btw, that she wants you to be part of that decision. She didn't want you to be part of it when she actively chose to entrap you, after all. It's just a ruse to see if you can be brought on-board.

LegacyUser

That is a horrible thing to do to someone. A friend of mine once confessed to me that she did the same thing to her boyfriend. They got married and had more kids since -- and so she reckons that that made it OK... I still can't understand how she could do it to him, regardless of the fact that they are still together.

OP, you should really reconsider your relationship with this person!!
I would be wary of her claiming to have changed her mind aswell -- she may already know she is pregnant - mission accomplished - and she is now trying to soften you up ..

Taltos

This is the pits. Here is my input for what it is worth - will not be liked by many I am sure

1. Relationship is over - Trust is gone - that is a dealbreaker betrayal
2. Inform her you require asap
a) Pregnancy test result - have heard of people lying before to get something else
b) Paternity Test - if she lied to you about the pill what else did she lie about

You might also want to get yourself checked for STDs etc now - again down to trust.

Then it is up to you - do you want custody and how to arrange maintenance.

Me - would tell her eff off, pure entrapment. If she thinks that little of you that will not change.

Best of luck - hope it works out.

LegacyUser

A not dissimmilar thing happened to me but it was reversed. I was told by a man I was seeing, who claimed the sun the moon the stars, etc... you get the picture... that it was highly unlikely he could get anyone pregnant and that even if I did get pregnant it wouldnt be the end of the world and there is no perfect time to have a baby blah blah blah and of course he knew from the get go that I don't support abortion.

He had proven to be quite sadistic, manipulative and sociopathic in the end and the true colours came out once I got the pregnancy results, and I, like you were a victim of fraudulant seduction. For the sake of my child, I tried to come to some sort of terms with him, even though he did and did not want the child, and in fact never ever came out and made a stand either way.

The fact is, if you share a child with a liar then you are headed for a life time of trouble. In the end he walked, which is probably for the best. If I had been the one to tell him to **** off and go kill himself, then I would be in breach of denying access.

If I were you I would tread very very carefully here. But it's early days and you dont know for certain yet if she is pregnant so don't get too much into a panic here and take all advice with a grain of salt and do what YOU think is best. One of the things that can really screw things up is listening to too many people who havent got a clue or only half the picture.

coadyj

Unregistered wrote: »

Living in another country at the moment which requires a permit.
GF is visiting me from a non-EU country which means she can only stay here 3 months on holiday VISA.

GF is on pill but lately last week confessed she has not been taking the pill for the last few weeks. So we have been having sex without contraception.

Her period was due last weekend but now shes late. Shes dizzy, has heartburn, feels sick, has headaches, is moody. Im gonna be a dad, yeah ?

She confessed she was trying to get pregnant without telling me but now regrets it and is worried now that she may be pregnant. She now says she doesnt want to be pregnant.

Im 33, shes 30.

My head is messed up today.

If shes pregnant, I will be very happy to be a father and will love the child so much. But how could she do that to me?

Well, all i can say is, it happens more then you think. The real question is can you forgive her, she is your girlfriend after all, when having a baby together you are starting a relationship with each other that will last for the rest of your life weather it says romantic or not. At some point you are going to have to forgive her for what she did and to be honest, having a kid is probably the best thing in the world, its very possible you will see this as the most important thing you ever did.

you also say she was visiting you for a month, and it didn't occur to you that she wasn't taking her pill? come there's getting dupping and getting dupped, anyone who is with a girl knows when she is on the pill and knows when she is taking it

If i was you, I would ignore the posters above, if you love her, do you really care, if the child was conceived through love is it not a miracle

I know its hard to think about it now, but life is too short, if you forgive her, it might just be the best thing you ever did..

good luck with the everything, but first thing is first, go and see a doctor.

coadyj

Taltos wrote: »

This is the pits. Here is my input for what it is worth - will not be liked by many I am sure

1. Relationship is over - Trust is gone - that is a dealbreaker betrayal
2. Inform her you require asap
a) Pregnancy test result - have heard of people lying before to get something else
b) Paternity Test - if she lied to you about the pill what else did she lie about

You might also want to get yourself checked for STDs etc now - again down to trust.

Then it is up to you - do you want custody and how to arrange maintenance.

Me - would tell her eff off, pure entrapment. If she thinks that little of you that will not change.

Best of luck - hope it works out.

Don't be ridiculous, she was staying with him for the last 2 months, how could it be someone else baby

Wibbs

trickedmother wrote: »

But it's early days and you dont know for certain yet if she is pregnant so don't get too much into a panic here and take all advice with a grain of salt and do what YOU think is best. One of the things that can really screw things up is listening to too many people who havent got a clue or only half the picture.

I agree with you, yes there are always two sides and yes it is always good to keep ones own counsel, but and it's a big but, the facts are this(from what she told him herself); She was on the pill, she decided to come off the pill to get pregnant by him without his knowledge. She then takes an apparent about face and now isn't sure she wants the child if she is pregnant and "regrets" her actions. Ahh bless, isn't she nice... eh nope, she's not. She either regrets it because of a reaction of his, or regrets it because she did a damned moronic thing, or it's all a front to get him onside and then she'll magically be happy again when the test kit turns blue. As I say we all make mistakes, but she made a calculated effort to deceive him. For a month. No spur of the moment thing here. This makes her IMHO, daft and/or utterly untrustworthy. Plus she's not some lovestruck 15 year old, she's a grown woman of 30 and I guarantee she knew exactly what she was doing at the time. Either that or she should seek out a mental heatk professional.

Now lets say she's not preggers, what's to stop her getting another attack of the screaming lunacy and getting up the duff again? So personally whether she's pregnant or not would have no bearing on how I would deal with her, beyond the issue of the child involved as it would be more luck than judgement if she wasn't pregnant.

No lover is worth that when the world is full of women who wouldn't pull something this stupid and nasty. I honestly believe from the story the OP has outlined here that for him to stay with someone like this would make him equally daft. Like you so correctly put it "The fact is, if you share a child with a liar then you are headed for a life time of trouble".


Your situation was like the OP's really bloody bad and I don't envy you at all. You sound well rid of the moron. In one way his was slightly worse in that she was on the pill, so he thought that he was pretty safe, though not really as you were the one who had to go through the pregnancy on the back of it. You have one good thing from all this in the end, your child.

Jesus, some people.:mad: In both cases you and the OP were deliberately duped. Both of your reproductive choices were taken away from you under false pretences. TBH I'm glad you got shot of that git. I really believe the OP should do the same. My worry is that she'll pull more emotional guff on him and he'll feel duty bound to "stick by her".

Liam Byrne

coadyj wrote: »

The real question is can you forgive her, she is your girlfriend after all, when having a baby together you are starting a relationship with each other that will last for the rest of your life weather it says romantic or not. At some point you are going to have to forgive her for what she did and to be honest, having a kid is probably the best thing in the world, its very possible you will see this as the most important thing you ever did.

PLEASE tell me that you're joking ?

Forgiveness is for (a) people who deserve it, (b) accidents and / or (c) relatively minor issues, or any combination of the above.

The OP's situation comes under NONE of the above 3.

coadyj wrote: »

If i was you, I would ignore the posters above, if you love her, do you really care, if the child was conceived through love is it not a miracle

The child was NOT conceived "through love"; it was conceived through deceit....not the child's fault, but DEFINITELY the would-be mother's fault.

coadyj wrote: »

I know its hard to think about it now, but life is too short, if you forgive her, it might just be the best thing you ever did..

Yup, spending your life with an irresponsible, deceiptful and downright despicable person is really up there with the best things in life! :rolleyes:

Whatever about the child (which the OP says he'll stand by, despite the circumstances of being conned into this - fair play, OP) the mother is not worth knowing.

Zero trust from the OP towards her, zero respect from her for him, zero responsibility in her actions.....on any other thread (regardless of the topic) the advice to the poster in those circumstances would be the same - lose her ASAP!

And as for

coadyj wrote: »

she was staying with him for the last 2 months - how could it be someone else's baby ?

:rolleyes: It might only take 20 seconds to conceive......and since that's about as much time as it takes to take a pill, she had at least that long to spare!

coadyj

Liam Byrne wrote: »

PLEASE tell me that you're joking ?

Forgiveness is for (a) people who deserve it, (b) accidents and / or (c) relatively minor issues, or any combination of the above.

The OP's situation comes under NONE of the above 3.

I don't know where your getting your definition of forgiveness from, the definition is the act of excusing a mistake or offense. She decided to tell him about what she did, surely she shows signs of remorse

Liam Byrne wrote: »

The child was NOT conceived "through love"; it was conceived through deceit....not the child's fault, but DEFINITELY the would-be mother's fault.

If he was in love with her, when they has sex, then yes it was

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Yup, spending your life with an irresponsible, deceitful and downright despicable person is really up there with the best things in life! :rolleyes:

people make mistakes, liam im sure you've done worse things in your life.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

It might only take 20 seconds to conceive......

Maybe for you mate, but where exactly is she going to find the time to leave the house, find some random stranger and have sex with him, when she is staying with the op in another country, I make that to be about 5 hours or so minimum.

The point i'm trying make is, it is easy to hate, but if she is pregnant and he does stick around, he will know her for the rest of his life, and he doesn't have to hold a grudge for the rest of his life.

The Corinthian

coadyj wrote: »

The real question is can you forgive her, she is your girlfriend after all, when having a baby together you are starting a relationship with each other that will last for the rest of your life weather it says romantic or not.

Who says he's starting any lifelong relationship with her? Outside the courts, that is.

its very possible you will see this as the most important thing you ever did.

It's quite possibly the most important thing he will ever be able to do now, because if she keeps the child and pursues him legally, his options to do a lot of things in the future have become a good bit narrower.

you also say she was visiting you for a month, and it didn't occur to you that she wasn't taking her pill? come there's getting dupping and getting dupped, anyone who is with a girl knows when she is on the pill and knows when she is taking it

Rubbish. Unless you force her to take the pill in front of you and check she's swallowed, there is no way of telling for certain - especially if she is actively attempting to deceive you.

I know its hard to think about it now, but life is too short, if you forgive her, it might just be the best thing you ever did..

That is about the worst, most idiotic thing I've heard here in ages. The woman has consciously deceive him in a calculated fashion in a manner that will alter the rest of his life. Additionally, she is using a child as a tool in this deception - the child's well-being is, especially in light of her having second thoughts, clearly of secondary importance.

She is scum. Clear and simple. And beyond this, accepting such an act essentially is like condoning her actions and sending the message that such entrapment is acceptable. I can't believe that anyone would suggest condoning such a vile act of betrayal.

Liam Byrne

coadyj wrote: »

people make mistakes, liam im sure you've done worse things in your life.

Fixed that for you, so that you don't look like a complete idiot; you don't know me, so you can't be "sure" of anything related to me.

But in order to enlighten you - that's a SEVERE insult / slander; because while I'm physically incapable of what the OP's former g/f has done, you can be DAMN "sure" that I've never done anything even REMOTELY as twisted and downright lousy as what the OP described.

coadyj wrote: »

Maybe for you mate....

Hardy-har-har! :rolleyes: The comedy thread is somewhere else :rolleyes: I presume that's some pathetic attempt at the length of time enjoyable sex might take, but have you never heard of a "quickie" ?

And even within a "quickie" that might take 5 or 10 mins (or even within a marathon session) the actual event that causes pregnancy would STILL only take a few seconds....so I'll stand over my statement.

coadyj wrote: »

The point i'm trying make is, it is easy to hate, but if.......he does stick around, he will know her for the rest of his life, and he doesn't have to hold a grudge for the rest of his life.

The important point being the bit in bold, and aside from the fact that her actions prove that she's not worth knowing, there's ABSOLUTELY NO POINT in sticking with someone who has less than ZERO respect for him, and in whom he - rightfully - has zero trust.

metrovelvet

Why did she come clean when if she wanted to trap him it would have been easier to keep up the lie?

Shes vacillating because the shock is hitting her,a normal reaction to an unplanned pregnancy, could suggest less calculation and more whimsical stupidity. That or she is realizing she might be raising a child on her own and doesnt want to do that.

Coming off the pill messes up your cycle for a while so dont panic yet.

spurious

OP - How long have you been seeing this woman?
How 'serious' a relationship is/was it?

Toots

As others have said, first thing is to do a pregnancy test. I'm sure under the circumstances she wouldn't object to having you witness the test (not the peeing obviously, but the 1 minute wait for the little blue lines). If she's prepared to dupe you into knocking her up, there's every possibility she's faking the pregnancy symptoms also, and I'm sure it wouldn't be beyond her to lie about the test results. For what reason I don't know, possibly in some twisted way to see how serious you are about the relationship, possibly to get you to 'do the decent thing' and have a quickie wedding, which could fast track a visa application (if that's what she's after).

I know it sounds redundant, but try not to freak out too much until the pregnancy is confirmed. As metrovelvet said, coming off the pill messes up your cycle, and can also bring on some of the symptoms you described, at least it did with me. Hopefully she won't be pregnant. If she's not, I wouldn't hesitate to show her the door, and advise her not to let it hit her on the way out.

bronte

Wow, that's some situation op.
I hope you are okay.
I cannot understand the actions of your girlfriend.. they're unbelievable.
It's up to you if you are to continue your relationship with her, but most would understand if you wanted her as far from you as possible.
She broke your trust in possibly the worst way she could. I'm so sorry.
Do ask for proof of the pregnancy and indeed proof you are the father.
Some women are unreal.

coadyj

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Hardy-har-har! :rolleyes: The comedy thread is somewhere else :rolleyes: I presume that's some pathetic attempt at the length of time enjoyable sex might take, but have you never heard of a "quickie" ?

And even within a "quickie" that might take 5 or 10 mins (or even within a marathon session) the actual event that causes pregnancy would STILL only take a few seconds....so I'll stand over my statement.

So explain the situation to me Liam, where she is in a foreign city and runs outside for a 10 min quickie

All Im saying Liam, is that the OP said he would stick around, so he WILL be forging a relationship with this woman, at some point he will have to forgiver her.

The OP is partial to blame here, HE chose to have sex with her without a condom, HE choose to ignore the fact that there was no circular disk with pills in it an HE said he was going to stick around.

You can say all you want, but when two people are living in close quarters, you KNOW when someone is on the pill.

This happens a lot more then you think, the woman deserves some tiny amount of credit as she came clean about it. If she lied who would ever know???

And Liam, if you're telling me that in your life you have never made a mistake?? you have never deceived someone before to get something you wanted

I'm only being the devils advocate here, everyone is saying run, All i'm doing is telling him to consider the alternatives, I'm not validating what she did in any way.

I see your side of the argument, I'm asking you not to be closed minded to assume infidelity because the woman made a mistake

Darthhoob

my first child was concieved in a similar way. my ex pierced condoms for 2 months until i was pregnant as he liked having me to manipulate (it was an abusive relationship...looking back). ofc the momnet i told him i was pregnant he didn't act like he wanted to know. although we were still together till i got the strength to leave (3 weeks before i was due). now my son is 7, he doesn't know his biological dad, they met a few times when he was a baby but only cos his new girlfriend 'made him'..it was then he told me about the piercing condoms :rolleyes:. i tried to encourage him to be a dad but he didn't want to know. and finally one day he had the gall to announce that my son obviously isn't his as he is under my surname and threatened to throw him in the river to see if **** floats...his words. that day i stopped contacting him and haven't looked back. i'm glad i lived 150 miles away from him lol. he sent me a text every year to try and wind me up, saying he was married and had a gorgeous 3 months old daughter. same text for about 4 years....she was the oldest 3 months old i knew :pac:

even if he was the loveliest bloke on earth i would never have forgiven him for tricking me. as much as i love my son i was at college, and 19 years old still living at home. i wasn't ready for him. my whole life changed drastically because of something HE did. plus my son has special needs which makes it a bit harder. i certainly wouldn't have chosen to have a baby with him! if i had a choice :mad:

you sound like a top bloke OP taking on board the responsibilty of a child you had no control over concieving. if she is not pregnant i'd advise you to move on, nothing stopping her from doing this again, or something else. it's incredibly....well there are no words. if she is pregnant (and i'd be there for the test and go with her or get photographic proof of the scans..with her name on it) then as you say you will stand by the child...but that does not mean you have to be with her, though you will need to keep things as friendly as possible.

having a child is not the end of the world though, far from it. it's just a shame about the child's mother :mad:

try not to worry for now though (easier said than done) as you have no proof she is pregnant yet. it could be due to coming off the pill, it could be due to stress as she may regret doing this to you and it's been playing on her mind. if she was due for a period a few days ago she'll be ready to do a test now.

The Corinthian

coadyj wrote: »

All Im saying Liam, is that the OP said he would stick around, so he WILL be forging a relationship with this woman, at some point he will have to forgiver her.

Why? There's no reason he should be forging a relationship with this woman - indeed there are plenty not to. If the OP chooses to try to be a father now then he should let his lawyers forge a relationship with this woman, he shouldn't touch her. And he can also decide not to be a father now, but wait until he can do so independently of her when the child is older. Or simply to not to have anything to do with the sorry mess.

And frankly I wouldn't blame him if he did any of those. She is accountable for the life she has given to her unborn child, just as much as the other lives that her fraud has damaged.

The OP is partial to blame here, HE chose to have sex with her without a condom, HE choose to ignore the fact that there was no circular disk with pills in it an HE said he was going to stick around.

Sure and women are partially to blame too for getting raped for dressing in a slutty manner.

You can say all you want, but when two people are living in close quarters, you KNOW when someone is on the pill.

And as I pointed out, this is complete rubbish, and have even said why.

When you live with someone, in or out of a sexual relationship, a lot is based on trust because you cannot control or monitor every action they take. Suggesting that you know for certain that someone living with you is taking the pill is nonsensical. She may have the pill sitting in the bathroom, the number of pills could be depleting over time (as she flushes them down the toilet), but ultimately unless you take extreme measures, such as administering it yourself and checking she's swallowed thereafter, there is no way to KNOW. Ultimately, it is about trust.

This happens a lot more then you think, the woman deserves some tiny amount of credit as she came clean about it. If she lied who would ever know???

Whatever credit her confession may award her, does not wash away her crime. If you commit murder and then come clean on it, should it exonerate you? And while not murder, the severity of this crime is such that saying sorry simply does not make any difference.

Does "sorry it was a mistake" mean she won't be looking for maintenance from him for the next odd twenty years?

These are simply crocodile tears, TBH. There's no reason to believe that she's having second thoughts now because of guilt either. It may simply be that she may not be sure that she wants to be a mother - and fortunately as a woman she can avoid this responsibility.

I'm only being the devils advocate here, everyone is saying run, All i'm doing is telling him to consider the alternatives, I'm not validating what she did in any way.

You are validating what she did though. At no point are you even suggesting wrongdoing and have gone to lengths to be an apologist for her or even to suggest that he is at fault. That goes beyond the role of devils advocate.

I see your side of the argument, I'm asking you not to be closed minded to assume infidelity because the woman made a mistake

Deceiving someone is not a mistake. It is a premeditated act. Criminals do not make a 'mistake' when they carry out fraud.

Liam Byrne

coadyj wrote: »

And Liam, if you're telling me that in your life you have never made a mistake??

Never once did I suggest that.

coadyj wrote: »

...you have never deceived someone before to get something you wanted

Again, never once did I say that; I try not to, but will admit that I don't always succeed.

But I can categorically say that I have NEVER, EVER (and would NEVER) deceive ANYONE on such a personal and life-changing issue.

Your post that I took exception to didn't mention "mistakes" or minor deceits - it said :

coadyj wrote: »

im sure you've done worse things in your life

And as I said - no, I haven't. FACT.

coadyj wrote: »

I'm only being the devils advocate here, everyone is saying run, All i'm doing is telling him to consider the alternatives, I'm not validating what she did in any way.

And the reason for telling him to run is because she's untrustworthy, immature, deceitful and not worth knowing - all admirable traits in a partner or mother.

coadyj wrote: »

I see your side of the argument, I'm asking you not to be closed minded to assume infidelity because the woman made a mistake

I didn't "assume" anything; just like I said about your comment about me, I can't assume anything about the OP's g/f (other than what he's posted), because I don't know her......I said it was possible, and if that's harsh it's purely because she's shown herself to be completely untrustworthy.

He was not initially entitled to assume that she was on the pill, but since he knew that she WAS on it, he's entitled to assume that she wouldn't come off it without discussing it with him; there are a couple of legitimate reasons aside from wanting kids (e.g. health issues, medication, etc) but there is ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT that she should have told him and discussed alternative arrangements.

As mentioned above, she did NOT "make a mistake" (which I already said should come under forgiveable).....she intentionally deceived him on a life-changing issue.

twanda

coadyj wrote: »

HE choose to ignore the fact that there was no circular disk with pills in it an HE said he was going to stick around.
You can say all you want, but when two people are living in close quarters, you KNOW when someone is on the pill.

Was he supposed to be going though his girlfriends stuff, to make sure she was taking the pill?
Relationships are built on trust - you don't expect this kind of thing to happen.

metrovelvet

Forgiveness and condoning arn two different things. For forgiveness to occur, both parties have to acknowledge that the deed was wrong in the first place. To condone is the oppossite,its to approve of the deed as right,and also place yourself in the role of parent or school principal. And when you start acting like a parent or school principal, a funny thing happens, the other person falls into the role of child or student, and before you know it youll be complaining that shes acting like a child. So think about that before you go about condoning or not condoning. Im not telling you to forgive her or not to, but try to keep things adult to adult. You may be a father,but youre not hers.

Toots

coadyj wrote: »

OP is partial to blame here, HE chose to have sex with her without a condom, HE choose to ignore the fact that there was no circular disk with pills in it an HE said he was going to stick around.

You can say all you want, but when two people are living in close quarters, you KNOW when someone is on the pill.

That's complete BS, I've lived with my OH for 3 years, and for 2 of them I was on the pill. He's told me before that he'd have no idea from one day to the next whether or not I'd taken it. Most women leave it in their nightstand or somewhere similar, and unless their partner is extremely nosey, they wouldn't go rooting to see if she'd taken it.

Lollipops23

coadyj wrote: »

The OP is partial to blame here, HE chose to have sex with her without a condom, HE choose to ignore the fact that there was no circular disk with pills in it an HE said he was going to stick around.

biggest load of shíte i've ever read on this forum...my bf has seen me take my pill but he's usually wouldn't on a day to day basis!how does he know i take it??because he trusts me to and i would never breach that trust.ever.

most partners wouldn't have a clue about their GFs pill; mine could no sooner tell you the brand i'm on/what time of day i take it then he could tell you the brand name of my lipgloss.
The OP cannot be blamed for this situation; yes he could have used condoms but many couples don't bother when they're on the pill. if the pill had failed it would be hard luck, and i'd feel awful for both parties. But this girl knowingly (possibly) changed the course of his life forever and is not better than that mental woman who went around stealing men's sperm in an effort to get knocked up. She makes me ashamed to be a woman:mad:

rustynutz

Wibbs wrote: »

Get a pregnancy test first and foremost. I say fair play to you being so accepting of the thoughts of a child and indeed of her. Personally I would scrape her and the potential child off. Even if I wanted to be a father, I wouldn't want someone like that as the mother. To willingly plan something which would affect me for the rest of my life, without my input and assuming I would just fold and go along with it? Eh no. I couldn't trust her one iota. Indeed I would insist on a paternity test too, but the dates seem to suggest you would be the potential father. I mean seriously, this is worse than cheating as far as trust and boundaries go. At least with cheating it would be scrape her off and that would be that. Now there could be a kid involved. Harsh maybe but as I say that would be me.

Have to agree fully with this,it is the one of the most decieving things a woman can do to a man,get a test and hope it's negative and then end the relationship would be my advice,it is going nowhere built on a mistrust as big as this,hope it works out for you.