Are you a Mum if you miscarry?

LegacyUser

I miscarried my daughter at 12 weeks last year. Both my sisters are pregnant again this year (one is in labour at the moment), everyone is excited (as am I) but my immediate family who knew about my loss last year and not counting my daughter in the grandkids and have been saying Mum's 3rd grandchild etc while in my eyes it Mum's 4th grandchild.

So my question is, if you miscarry are you still a Mum and would they have been grandchild no3 for my Mum? Or is it only if you produce a living breathing baby that you are a Mum?

Please dont tell me its however i feel that counts, because we all know the real world doesnt work like that and what family thinks is important.

Wibbs

Sorry no polls allowed in PI

LegacyUser

Sorry i just followed the screen shots through, didnt mean to break forum rules, sorry.

enda1

From your mother's point of view.

She never met your child to be, never held her never interacted with her in any way. So for her it was never her grandchild. May hurt but that's the way it is.
It's always gonna be harder for someone else to acknowledge your miscarried child as an equal member of the family to her living, breathing cousins.

I also guess it is a matter of ones opinion. I, and many people would be of the opinion that a child is a child from birth and a foetus in the first trimester of development is just that.

LegacyUser

The child was never born which means you are not a mother

TerrorFirmer

I would imagine that while you're perfectly entitled to consider yourself a mother if you feel that way, referring to a miscarriage of a short term baby as the '3rd grandchild' or expecting your sisters to accept it as the same over her own living children is a bit overbearing and liable to make people rather uncomfortable. It's not disrespect or lack of sympathy, but just how it is really.

LegacyUser

I got pregnant just before my best friend did. I lost mine and she has a little boy now. Are I a mum? No. Was I ever a mum? For me the answer is no, I didn't become a mum though I had all the love and and hope and emotions she had too. And for me the asnwer is: does it matter? It doesn't mean my emotions were less real or valid than hers. I understand how much this hurts right now and how much anger you must be feeling because it feels like your emotions and your hope have been forgotten. Hopefully you and me will be mums some day. Remember people would be just as happy for you if you were in labour right now. And probably some day they will.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry for the loss of your pregnancy. I'm sure it is a sensitive time for you now with your sisters having babies. One of my sisters had 2 miscarriages but we as a family never consider the 2 kids lost when counting the 6 grandchildren in the family. another sis is a consultant in neonatology, when a friend of mine lost a baby in late pregnancy a few months ago I was wrecking my head to get a nice card for her. I didn't know whether to get a blank one or a sympathy card so I rang my sister. She asked had the baby actually been born and when I told her no she said just get a blank card, as the child hadn't been born not to get a sympathy card.
Have you other children? I see it that it is not a child to be recognised but a lost pregnancy. I've never been pregnant and don't have any kids - at my age now I don't see it happening although I would have loved to have some.
You might get views form others who have also lost kids and those who have kids, as they may think differently.

Dizzyblonde

Because you miscarried early and your baby wasn't full-term your family wouldn't be expected to recognise your baby in that way. However, you will always think of the baby you miscarried as a little person and that's fine.

Lollipops23

you are perfectly entitled to feel you lost a child rather than a foetus, as you were pregnant for 3 months.however, a loss at 12 weeks is still considered a miscarraige medically, while later than that (say 16 weeks) is a stillborn.

i think your mum and dad don't consider the misscarriage a grandchild as in their eyes it wasn't a baby they could see, hold or touch?just putting it out
there.
BTW, i'm very sorry for your loss.

jhegarty

I really don't think there is any "correct" answer to that question.

BaZmO*

enda1 wrote: »

From your mother's point of view.

She never met your child to be, never held her never interacted with her in any way. So for her it was never her grandchild. May hurt but that's the way it is.

Using that logic, the mother would still feel the same if she gave birth.

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

I would imagine that while you're perfectly entitled to consider yourself a mother if you feel that way, referring to a miscarriage of a short term baby as the '3rd grandchild' or expecting your sisters to accept it as the same over her own living children is a bit overbearing and liable to make people rather uncomfortable. It's not disrespect or lack of sympathy, but just how it is really.

Totally agree with this. Miscarriages, although very common, are a real taboo subject. People really don't know what to say or do when a person has miscarried.

RossFixxxed

The thing is even before the baby is born you've put him/her through college. You begin to plan things, imagine things and build little happy fantasies of how amazing you are going to be as a parent, and how brilliant your little one is going to be.

I'm not even going to bother with the semantics of this, either way you have had a child taken from you and no matter what you will grieve like a mother would. I'm very sorry for your loss OP. It's an absolute tragedy you've suffered and I wouldn't worry about what to call yourself in the situation, just take a tiny step towards recovery each day and you will emerge from this I promise.

R

LegacyUser

Thanks for your messages to date. I dont have any children, im 34 (now single) and last years baby was not planned but very much wanted by us both when it happened.

Im super happy for both my sisters, they are brilliant Mums and those kids are the luckiest in the world. I dont feel funny when others are having babies, which at my age a lot of friends are doing, i look at it like today its their turn, one day it will be mine and thats gonna rock!

I have accepted the loss but yeah at times i get sad especially on Mothers Day this year (which i didnt celebrate BTW). I guess i just feel that even though my hopes and dreams didnt result in an actual birth, those hopes and dreams should be acknowledged as much as my sisters. We are a close family, and me being the black sheep (who is loved as much as the others), may have compounded these feelings too, i guess i felt more black sheepish. I now see the other side of it, the unbiased side and what folks have said here makes sense, so thanks all, you have helped!

you were never a mother and thus, you're mother didn't have a grandchild from you.

CathyMoran

In my mind you were a mother, but then again I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 4 months. I count the first one as I was pregnant for about 10 weeks but not the second one as I was only pregnant just over a month. There is a huge stigma around this but yes you were a mother and I know that my husband and my family consider our baby to be their first grandchild.

LegacyUser

CathyMoran wrote: »

In my mind you were a mother, but then again I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 4 months. I count the first one as I was pregnant for about 10 weeks but not the second one as I was only pregnant just over a month. There is a huge stigma around this but yes you were a mother and I know that my husband and my family consider our baby to be their first grandchild.

Vey sorry to hear that CathyMoran. You always sound like a lovely person and give great advice, including to me in the past. I hope it works out next time.

CathyMoran

Unregistered wrote: »

Vey sorry to hear that CathyMoran. You always sound like a lovely person and give great advice, including to me in the past. I hope it works out next time.

Hug! Thanks. We are working on it again

*Honey*

OP, I've had two miscarriages myself and I consider myself a Mum, my husband is a Dad. We think of it that way because we cared for those babies as best we could under the circumstances. We did our best for them - in the end it wasn't enough but we did whatever we could to make it work out. We don't "celebrate" Mother's or Father's Day in any particular way you'd notice, but we do something just for the two of us (even if it's just going for a walk by the sea or something - something that connects us).

I do agree with the previous poster in saying that there is no right or wrong answer to this. You are whatever you feel you are - for me, for my husband, we felt like we were parents, even if it was only for a short time.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss - it can be utterly devastating and, even though it might sound bad, I honestly don't think people can know how really gut wrenching and heartbreaking it feels unless they're been through it. But I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Cathy - hugs hon, I know how tough it can be.

Victor

My sister lost a baby to cot death and once, when referrring to her friend said "anytime she had a miscarriage". Now, each had four births, but personally I would only count them as mothers of four (my sister now three), not more.

That doesn't mean that you can't have fond memories or can't mark anniversaries.

Lollipops23

CathyMoran wrote: »

In my mind you were a mother, but then again I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 4 months. I count the first one as I was pregnant for about 10 weeks but not the second one as I was only pregnant just over a month. There is a huge stigma around this but yes you were a mother and I know that my husband and my family consider our baby to be their first grandchild.

didn't know it happened again Cathy, so sorry to her that. Glad to hear you're still working on it though;)

All the best, i think it's gonna happen for you!XX

LegacyUser

Hi,
I have had full term healthy babies and 3 miscarriages in between. One of these was at 16weeks. Before miscarrying I was already a mum but still consider myself a mum to the lost babies too (mum to angels, especially the one at 16weeks).
My mum did not add them to the living grandkids,and I never had a problem with this. I had a healthy baby a year after the 16week loss and this made a huge difference to the pain, I still miss the 16week baby but she wasn't meant to be, she is my angel. Others including my mum , even her daddy did not experience the loss in the same way as me,but their love for me helped me through.
I am sorry you and others girls on here have had such a loss...hugs to you x

Badboy1977

Miscarriages are terrible but natural things. Yourself and the father should mark the expected date of birth but your mother is right in not counting your foetus as a grandchild. Having had a similar experience I think you are going too far and will only end up hurting yourself. The more you count the foetus as a child the more you will hurt. She was the start of life but not full life.

Keep trying. Mark the birth date but let it go after that .

LegacyUser

Hi Op,



In your mind, the feotus you carried will always be your child, and to you, you were it's mother and always will be. You planned for and cared for the life that was growing inside you. Nobody can take that away from you!



No family that I know of counts miscarried children as one of the grandchildren unfortunately. And I suppose technically, in most people's eyes you were not really a mother. But I know how you are feeling. I have had miscarriages before too and it's hard because you kinda feel that people don't acknowledge your loss because they haven't seen or held a baby in their arms! I think thats the hardest thing about it!



What might make you feel better is to talk about it - if not to your partner/family then even online with people who have been through similar experiences. And maybe even do something like planting a tree in your garden as sort of a rememberance of your lost child. I know this wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea and doesn't have to be exactly THAT - planting a tree - but do something along those lines! It will help the healing process to know that there's a symbol of your lost child nearby.



Your day will come when you'll have a beautiful baby in your arms! But even when you do, you will never forget about the child you miscarried.