Am I just being stupid???

LegacyUser

ok so this might be a bit confusing but its really getting to me.
about two months ago my boyfriend of over 3yrs started talking to a girl who knew when we first started going out, they had lost touch, they started talking everyday for hours on end. i didnt mind it at first as she had recently lost someone very close to her.
but then he started to ignore me for the hours he would talk to her and then he started to go down to his home town where she still is and spend all weekend with her leaving me on my own in our house.
shortly before mothers day he told me that he wanted to move back to his home town as he did not want to lose the family home. i agreed and got a place on my own on the understanding that we spent as much time together as possible.
the day after mothers day i confronted him about the time he spends with the girl in question and the fact that he ignores me when he talks to her, he admitted that he has very strong feeling for her, as strong as he does for me. he swore blind that nothing has happened and that nothing ever will. and i believed him.
that was until earlier this week. i went on to his bebo page to leave him a comment at the weekend and i noticed the last comment was from her. she called him huggie bear and said that she misses him like mad, then he informed me yesterday that he is spending the whole week down in his home town and the whole weekend.
am i just being paraniod ini thinking that there is something going on???
and am i being stupid to stay with him knowing he has feelings for somebody else???
please help!

Nervous Wreck

I'd love to stay positive for you on this OP but that all sounds fairly dodge.... That's not to say that anything has happened but it's fairly obvious that there's something going on, if you get me....

TBH, once he said he had very strong feelings for her, it's pretty much ultimatum time. And I f*cking HATE ultimatums, I think they're ridiculous... But in cases like this, if his feelings for someone else are as strong as his feelings for you, he's gotta make a decision. I think you need to (very calmly) sit down and sort it all out. But tbh, I don't really see this ending too well.......

The very best of luck to you...

boardinwork

No

IRISH RAIL

op id kick him to the curb how can anyone start a relationship with someone in front of you and not expect to get dumped hes not even hiding it ffs, hes lost all his respect for your feelings.

Wibbs

Nope you're not being stupid. Major boundary being crossed there. Major. You're being taken for a ride here. Now lets say he's telling the truth and nothing has happened and nothing will happen, it's still a major boundary being crossed. She seems to think somethings going on or wants something to go on. He can't honestly believe shes "just a friend he's helping out". I've helped women mates and none of them called me anything like huggie bear. That suggests to me that hugs at least have been thrown into the mix. I hug mates, male and female, but they're just hugs and they're just friends. Her recent loss is an excuse in my humble. If not for her(and I think it is as it attaches him to her), but defo for him. He's either too thick to see this isn't on, or he's thinking of escalating this relationship.

So what do you do about it? Hard one. Me? I would scrape him off now.NO ultimatums, no excuses. Ultimatums will just give him more maneuvering room. Scrape him off before you get the "I love you but have stronger feelings for her" speech. I could be way off base here and it is just my opinion, but the circumstances, him moving out, him talking to her for hours and disrespecting your relationship, him staying more around her than you, all tell me that's the speech you are going to hear soon.

_blank_

He wants you to be the one to break up with him because he is too spineless to do it himself.

So, do that.

He is already setting himself up with this girl, and forcing you to do the dirty work for him.

The only reason nothing has happened, IF in fact nothing has happened, is because this other girl has a bit of decorum and is not letting it happen because he is still attached.

arybvtcw0eolkf

This...

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

I'd love to stay positive for you on this OP but that all sounds fairly dodge.... That's not to say that anything has happened but it's fairly obvious that there's something going on, if you get me....

TBH, once he said he had very strong feelings for her, it's pretty much ultimatum time. And I f*cking HATE ultimatums, I think they're ridiculous... But in cases like this, if his feelings for someone else are as strong as his feelings for you, he's gotta make a decision. I think you need to (very calmly) sit down and sort it all out. But tbh, I don't really see this ending too well.......

The very best of luck to you...

And this OP...

Des wrote: »

He wants you to be the one to break up with him because he is too spineless to do it himself.

So, do that.

He is already setting himself up with this girl, and forcing you to do the dirty work for him.

The only reason nothing has happened, IF in fact nothing has happened, is because this other girl has a bit of decorum and is not letting it happen because he is still attached.

Sorry for your troubles, but the guy sounds like he's too weak to make the tough call himself.

.

Wibbs

Des wrote: »

He wants you to be the one to break up with him because he is too spineless to do it himself.

So, do that.

He is already setting himself up with this girl, and forcing you to do the dirty work for him.

The only reason nothing has happened, IF in fact nothing has happened, is because this other girl has a bit of decorum and is not letting it happen because he is still attached.

+1 though I would bet good money the other woman has being the engine behind him moving back to his home town.

_blank_

Wibbs wrote: »

+1 though I would bet good money the other woman has being the engine behind him moving back to his home town.

Most definitely.

I wouldn't be so sure that she came right out with it and actually said to him to move back there, but yeah, a little well placed comment here and there to sew the seed.

Actually, when the poor manipulated fecker does move, she'll probably drop him like a hot snot.

Good enough for him.

But OP, when this scenario does play out, don't under any circumstance, none whatsoever, take him back.

LegacyUser

Wow, this is a very hard situation for you and i emphathise OP, you're stuck between what you know is right in your head....we don't have gut feelings for no reason....and what you want to believe about your relationship. You BF is making it quite obvious that his heart does not belong to just you anymore, fair enough nothing physical may have happened, but honestly, what he's doing to you and the fact he's letting you know all this is developing, to me is ten times worse that physical cheating. I agree that he is giving you the ammo and waiting for you to cut the ties, meanwhile he's having the best of both worlds, which isn't nearly good enough for you, you seem like a good person My advice, talk to him, tell him that his behavious is not good enough, and that you won't play second fiddle to anybody, you deserve more!! Cut him loose, and work on healing yourself my dear...you deserve so much better for yourself

LegacyUser

it looks like you are about to be dumped. Why are you so agreeable with everything?

If you want your boyfriend with you, stand stand up for yourself, and agree on not seeing other girls, and move back with you. Otherwise, say you are not interested in a boyfriend that is not there and may be with someone else. Many men don't leave their partners until they have someone else lined up..

And, if he acuses you of being jelous of the girl don't listen to him. You have all the right to be annoyed by the sitiation he has created.

Miss Fluff

Seems to me like the devious little bitch is manipulating this situation as she obviously doesn't want to be painted as the scarlet lady and let anything happen while he is still attached. She doesn't want to be seen to get together with someone who has left another to be with her either.

He is being very spineless in the way he is engineering this, he wants you to do the dumping. He's treating you appallingly and you deserve better. Get rid girl.

muboop1

op, im sorry to say he is cheating, not in the physical sense maybe, but surely in the mental.

He admitted to you he likes this girl, that means he also wants to be with this girl.

Whether or not anything physical has occurred, he wishes it could. The only reason it hasn't is due to you.

This is imo worse then a one night slip up. He is actively pursuing another girl or effectively going out with her bar they dont kiss or have sex. Essential to any relationship sex and kissing may be, but how long until he just goes for it.
He really should do one of two things, stay away from her forever and just be with you, or end it with you as although he may feel he
cant help his feelings.

He is making a conscious decision to give his feelings for her a chance to develop.
Thats just terrible

How long before he loves her?

Nobody should have to be in you position... end it for yourself.

LegacyUser

OP here thank you all so much for the comments
i don tink i was clear on this point but hes already moved back home. about a month ago now.
and i much as i hate the way hes treating me and tbh the fact that he loves her is tearing me to pieces im still reluctant (im a bad speller) to break up with him as i feel it wil just push him closer to her if he isnt already. i know that might sound a bit childish and love sick but hes been a big part of my life for over three years. thats not to say that i wont break up with him im just not not looking forward to having to do it.

Beruthiel

Self respect, pride and the fact that you deserve so much more should have you dump his ass yesterday.

Wibbs

Beruthiel wrote: »

Self respect, pride and the fact that you deserve so much more should have you dump his ass yesterday.

+100,000,000

So you will stay with a man when he disrespects you to this degree, pretty much because he's a big part of your life? I've had family members disrespect me less and I've not spoken to them for years. Now I understand this will be difficult for you. You're looking down the barrel of being single again for the first time in 3 years, the feelings of loss, the feelings of could you have stopped this etc, but none of them matter in the long run. You need to scrape this guy off. I suspect if you don't he will anyway or worse, string you along while he remains "confused". You need to see you're worth more than that. If you don't well maybe this hard time will show you that you are. Good luck with it anyway.

RoxyHart

Girl my advice to you right now would be walk away...no actually run, with your head held high and whilst you still possess your dignity and your mental health. That might sound harsh but what he's doing to you is nothing less than emotional torture. Not only is he developing his relations with his girl whilst you two are still technically an item, he's rubbing your nose in it!! Whether their relations are physical or not is irrelevant, he's disrespecting you and every part of your relationship by carrying on like this with another girl. He's making excuses ie. moving home for the family home etc. to keep you on a leash whilst he settles into his new role and is sure that it's going to work in his favour. He is even making you question whether he has the right to treat you this way!! I think honestly, the fact that you posted here, shows that you know that this is not normal behaviour. The hardest thing for you to do if face the reality of the situation and take a stand for yourself, you deserve better in all fronts. No matter how long you've been with someone, have your boundaries and self respect and first and foremost, be self protective It will be hard, but no relationship is way better than what you have now!!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

ok so this might be a bit confusing but its really getting to me.
about two months ago my boyfriend of over 3yrs started talking to a girl who knew when we first started going out, they had lost touch, they started talking everyday for hours on end. i didnt mind it at first as she had recently lost someone very close to her.
but then he started to ignore me for the hours he would talk to her and then he started to go down to his home town where she still is and spend all weekend with her leaving me on my own in our house.
shortly before mothers day he told me that he wanted to move back to his home town as he did not want to lose the family home. i agreed and got a place on my own on the understanding that we spent as much time together as possible.
the day after mothers day i confronted him about the time he spends with the girl in question and the fact that he ignores me when he talks to her, he admitted that he has very strong feeling for her, as strong as he does for me. he swore blind that nothing has happened and that nothing ever will. and i believed him.
that was until earlier this week. i went on to his bebo page to leave him a comment at the weekend and i noticed the last comment was from her. she called him huggie bear and said that she misses him like mad, then he informed me yesterday that he is spending the whole week down in his home town and the whole weekend.
am i just being paraniod ini thinking that there is something going on???
and am i being stupid to stay with him knowing he has feelings for somebody else???
please help!

I am so sorry to hear your feeling so down
I am in exact same boat as you but my bf says he just likes her as a friend but he to spends alot of time on phone and with her and ignores me when he is speaking to her.He also says nothing has happened and nothing ever will.
You are afraid while you sit there loving him and been loyal he is developing a relationship with this other girl and then will leave?
But if you say anything it shows a sign of distrust on your part.
I think you have to sit down and tell him truly how it makes you feel and he needs to focus on your relationship more.Let him know you dont have a problem with her been a friend and you understand they know eachother a long time and would like to be friends with her to and maybe you can go down with him.
Best of luck hun i hope things will work out for you

trilo

Beruthiel wrote: »

Self respect, pride and the fact that you deserve so much more should have you dump his ass yesterday.

Ditto.
What he is doing is an insult to you and your 3 years together. If he had any decency he would tell you the truth. But he doesn't seem to and the way he is ignoring you is not on.
You say he has feelings for her as strong as for you. No i wouldn't settle for that at all. Get out. Enjoy been by yourself and after some time you'll meet someone who will treat you with respect.

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

I am so sorry to hear your feeling so down
I am in exact same boat as you but my bf says he just likes her as a friend but he to spends alot of time on phone and with her and ignores me when he is speaking to her.He also says nothing has happened and nothing ever will.
You are afraid while you sit there loving him and been loyal he is developing a relationship with this other girl and then will leave?
But if you say anything it shows a sign of distrust on your part.
I think you have to sit down and tell him truly how it makes you feel and he needs to focus on your relationship more.Let him know you dont have a problem with her been a friend and you understand they know eachother a long time and would like to be friends with her to and maybe you can go down with him.
Best of luck hun i hope things will work out for you

+1 - agree with this.

But think Des also hit this one on the head.
It all seems wrong to me, I cannot even imagine treating my oh as you have been treated.

Really hope you get this sorted instead of going through more pain.

starchild

Your boyfriend is being very very unfair on you, his actions are causing fear in you that he will dump you for somebody else. this is causing you to lose your own self esteem and worth.

Put yourself in his shoes would you do this to him, i doubt it, would he accept you spending bundles of time with another guy , no way i would imagine

i have no doubt he has strong feelings for this other girl, he may be confused as to what to do. You need to take back some control here either by laying down the law or walking. If and i stress if its as straightforward as you make it in your opening post then i would say walk away.Even if he takes up with this other girl and you have to deal with that you will have retained your self respect.

best of luck to you, its a horrible situation to be in and i do truly sympathise with you

Oh The Humanity

am i just being paraniod ini thinking that there is something going on???

Are you mad?Jezuz!He is having an affair on you right in front of your face and you are letting him....You are worrying about 'pushing them closer together' !!!Its too late .....MUCH TOO LATE!He is gone. Listen, scrape him off immediately and in future in relationships learn where the correct boundaries lie. IE Its not ok for your BF to spend long tracts of time with another woman in the guise of comforting her or whatever nonsense you were gullible enough to swallow.Its not ok for him to move away leaving you hanging there. (You do understand he has left you right?)Its not ok for him to have feelings for another woman equally as strong as the ones he has for you.NONE of that is ok. He has made a fool of you and you have let him. Come on now, where is your anger?You cant let people treat you like this.

ellie1

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here thank you all so much for the comments
i don tink i was clear on this point but hes already moved back home. about a month ago now.
and i much as i hate the way hes treating me and tbh the fact that he loves her is tearing me to pieces im still reluctant (im a bad speller) to break up with him as i feel it wil just push him closer to her if he isnt already. i know that might sound a bit childish and love sick but hes been a big part of my life for over three years. thats not to say that i wont break up with him im just not not looking forward to having to do it.

You havent said you will break up with him and thats the frame of mind you need to get into. He is already too close to her so no matter how reluctant you are , you are just delaying the envitable. he is treating you like **** and you deserve far better.

Dump is spineless ass asap

ellie1

Unregistered wrote: »

I am so sorry to hear your feeling so down
I am in exact same boat as you but my bf says he just likes her as a friend but he to spends alot of time on phone and with her and ignores me when he is speaking to her.He also says nothing has happened and nothing ever will.
You are afraid while you sit there loving him and been loyal he is developing a relationship with this other girl and then will leave?
But if you say anything it shows a sign of distrust on your part.
I think you have to sit down and tell him truly how it makes you feel and he needs to focus on your relationship more.Let him know you dont have a problem with her been a friend and you understand they know eachother a long time and would like to be friends with her to and maybe you can go down with him.
Best of luck hun i hope things will work out for you

No offence to your comment But if your in the same situation as the op as you say. YOUR bf is ignoring you to talk to his friend.You also need to get rid of your boyfriend as clearly sitting down and explaining your feelings didnt work.

LegacyUser

OP here again
to the unregistered who is in the same boat as me i really feel for you i do as i know what you are going through.
as for becoming friends with her, we already where friends for awhile but lost touch then we started talkin again and then all this happened and now i just cant stand to talk to her never mind be around her. im afraid of what i might say to her or what i might do as we where very close at one stage. i know that might seem wrong but its true.
and as to where my anger is, well at the moment its all directed at her.
thank you for all the advice.

LegacyUser

Aww honey, I think you must try and look at this with your head and not your heart. Your boyfriend is completely taking advantage of your kind nature by the sound of things. If you let him carry on he is gonna walk all over you because he knows he can get away with it.

His behaviour is clearly upsetting you and he should know this. If he shrugs you off and continues to see her so much then you know he doesnt care about your feelings as much as he ought to. If a girl called my boyfriend huggy bear or whatever it was, I'd be asking questions too. There has be boundaries in a relationship and it's up to you to set them. He must realise whats unacceptable behaviour, like would he be okay with a really good male friend of yours calling you by a pet-name. I'm not so sure.
No one wants to be labelled jealous and I myself try hard at times not to let little things get to me in my relationship, but in your case it's very different.

if you desperatly don't want to break up with him, I suggest you take control and quick. if it's meant to be it's meant to be. You dont want to carry on in a relationship thats going nowhere. never mind him, thats a waste of your time.
good luck x x