Always in the background somewhere

LegacyUser

Hello,

After having read another thread on this forum, it has inspired me to put this down on here. I am going unregistered for this. As is the other posters case, I too am living with this fear that surfaces every now and again and in particular when in certain situations.

It all started when I was in primary school. My life was made gradual hell by 2 teachers, a head nun, and some pupils. I would tremble so much that I would physically sick. My mother didn't help me as she told me that it would only make things worse for me. So basically I was on my own dealing with this. I was pushed down concrete steps to the school by a teacher who I didn't know. I was about 7 at the time. WE had earlier gone out on a school excursion to the cinema to watch a historical movie. I left my bag back in the classroom but needed it for to to homework for the following day. I went back into the school ( which by the time we go out was closed but the doors were not locked ) I wanted to get my bag for fear of reprisals the next day from my teacher, I still recall hearing someone say I had gone in there and this woman came around the door to me, slapped me in the face and literally pushed me out the door with force and down the steps, where I ended on my knees, which were skint and bleeding. I remember crying all the way home. That's just one example of what I experienced under one teacher. As to the pupils, they used to make fun of me, calling me names and laughing at me. No one wanted to be my friend, the worse thing was school trips, I was the one who the nun sat beside. At a school sale in the hall, one girl right out in front of the teacher said, that no way was I going to help on her stall. I was reduced to selling 4 apples in the corner. I felt really awful and I cried a lot. Even when secondary school came around it was not much better. I was taunted and told by one guy in my class that I looked like brigitte bardot upside down. The kept telling me that I was ugly and that no one would want me. The boys used to laugh and point at me. Even now I do not think I would want to know any of them. But the fact that life then still haunts me.

A few years ago I went to college to study, so as improve my chances of studying but there again I got this feeling of impending doom. That I would be bullied again. I sometimes find it hard to talk when that feeling comes and I stutter my words or I have a coughing fit.
I then feel like I am blushing and that in turn makes me feel worse. I still do not think I am attractive despite me having a boyfriend who says I am. But no matter how much he says I still do not feel it.

But I worry about when certain situations arrive that all those feelings still come back to haunt me and make my life miserable all over again. It really hurt and I did spend time of sick and nervous of having to go to school.

I understand exactly what you mean and am not part of the 'just get over it' brigade. Bullying has such a tremendous impact on your life, even if at the time you try not to be a victim. I was bullied all through school, starting in primary school because I was 'brown skinned'. I used to get tripped up in the corridors, girls made up songs about me, I was always left on my own. I used to go home and pray that I would wake up with lily white skin so I could fit in with everyone else. Then when I was in secondary school, my skin colour wasn't an issue but the fact I was a Catholic in a predominantly Protestant school did and I got a few years of abuse because of that. I think what really depressed me was that it was nothing I said or did, it was nothing about my personality. It was for something I absolutely couldn't change. I could be the nicest person in the world and half the school would still hate me because I was the wrong colour or wrong religion. I was always good at standing up for myself and came through it all pretty well, but that feeling of exclusion and resulting timidity never quite left me. I've become a lot more outgoing recently, but I don't think I'll ever go back to the way I was before. There's always something in my head that makes me think people won't like me or that they'll judge me, that I'll never be good enough to be accepted. My boyfriend was badly bullied at school and I know he still has feelings like that. It's hard for people who haven't been badly bullied to understand. It's not at all that you feel sorry for yourself or anything, but you just lose that confident, 'sure why wouldn't they like me?' mentality...

merlie

Things like this take a long long time to get over. Sometimes its there, as the title of your thread says, always in the background. People can be horrible to each other. Many do not think how its going to affect the person later on until its too late. Bullies are just cowards. You should probably talk with someone about this if you haven't.