how bout no contact

LegacyUser

Seriously, does that really make a difference after a break up!??

I would love to know if any of you guys or a girls who broke up with someone felt/realised they made a mistake and got back together because their ex partner gave them the no contact treatment.

opinions please!

Wibbs

The no contact treatment is the best way of getting yourself back, not the other person. I reckon doing it for the latter reason is a hiding to nothing. If you get yourself back, then it's possible, but the funny thing I've found is that at that stage you don't want them back. Been the case for me anyhoo.

passive

I think it's the better policy. The stay friends, get drunk, kiss, ****, get jealous, argue, kiss etc etc thing tends to drag on and wear thin after a while. If it didn't work, chances are there's a reason, and if you actually want to get on with your life, it's better to cut off contact.

I have no experience of actually doing this properly after a serious relationship, but it's how I'm sure it *should* be done.

bluecell99

Why would you get back together if ye broke up?What would have changed?To do so would make both parties look very immature.No?

Is it a new kind of game?Break up and get back together.All talk about getting back together simply reveals an inability to move on and some kind of rose tinted view of the relationship which has ended.

hence the golden rule about no contact after the break up.What does it achieve?

LegacyUser

i think it varies widely. most commonly the no contact treatment help get over your OH. Personally i don't know if would work for me. I'm on a break as of a few days ago from my OH. It's not immature to do this if you need to get your head around deciding what you really want and if deciding to get back together is what you want then go for it - it worked for a friend of mine.

where do you stand at the mo?want to get back because your ex is giving you the no contact treatment or is it the other way around?

LegacyUser

well wibbs you're right, again, everytime i see a comment from you you're always spot on..

i think people make mistakes everyday, break up could be one, and sometimes you might need some distance to see what you cant see up close...i think getting back together always comes from "the dumper" cos usually "the dumpy" only look desperate if he/she ask to get back together so Bluecell99, i was talking bout the person that did the dumping who would want to get back together...

I have a good friend of mine who broke up with her bf few years ago, then they hangout, had a great time so she asked the next day if they would give it a go and he said no, so she told me she begged him for a while to get bak together until she finally realised it wouldnt happen..shes the first one who mentioned to me the no contact rules...she did it, 5 months...he went away with his mates, only to realised that he made a mistakes and wanted her back....

long story short i was at their wedding 2 years ago, they now have 2 kids and are happier then ever!!

SO, i dont think they were "imature " to get back together, just wanna hear from people that genuinely felt they made a mistake and try to get back together with the person they left, broke up with...

Having say that, i know it doesnt happen often, and probably best not to think that way BUT still, does it all happens because of getting the NO CONTACT that you can realised what you have lost!

LegacyUser

Are you giving your OH the no contact treatment hoping they'll get back with you? because if so thats just wrong and highly selfish.

Wibbs

Well no contact gives them the chance to miss you. That much is true. If in the interim the dumped changes for the better and for themselves and the original reason for the split is no longer there, then yes the chances increase for a reconciliation.

That's if actual deep affection is there in the first place. Strange though it may seem to some, I don't think deep affection is that common. Lust yes, dependency yes, in love, shared experience and safety yes, but deep unselfish affection is rare enough. In those case it's usually inevitable that something may happen down the line. Again you can't live your life by that or waiting for that.

On the subject of selfishness, love itself is quite a selfish, or at least self centered emotion. The idea that we don't use ruses or subterfuge in it's pursuit is naive to my mind. From the first meeting we lie about ourselves to the object of our affection to some degree or other. We plan actions and facades that make us look the best we can be. I don't see why that changes in the case of a breakup. It's just that most people aren't clued in to the dynamics of a breakup when compared to the flirting dating stage.

In the end breaking contact with someone who dumps you is a good healing process for the person who has been dumped. They get themselves back and move on. They hopefully turn into a wiser stronger version of the person who the dumper fell in love with in the first place. That is attractive, to the dumper and anyone else. A win win situation really. Though as I say, you can't fake that. I have had all but two of my long term exes come back to me looking to rekindle the past down the line. One 6 years later. None of them came back when I wanted them to. That's the irony of this. People seem to have a built in radar and they know when you've actually moved on and that seems to rev them up. Well women do anyway. Radar equipped wagons the lot of ye, :) dunno about blokes though.

Nevyn

Oh blokes have it as well, as soon as there is a sniff of a chance you are with or about to be with someone else they will find away to get in touch or get a friend to get in touch
on their behalf even if they are currently seeing someone.

People break up because the relationship is broken, a bit of distance doesn't fix things
it just stops the hurt and lets you heal a little.

LegacyUser

Oh my !!!!

Wibbs, again, you are soooooo right, you're the best ! Is it too soon to say i love you!!!

yes, it seems that some people have the ability to know when you are finally over you...
not sure if any of you saw the fantastic movie called "Swingers" with Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn , to anyone who would doubt what Wibbs just said bout the exes who has a radar to know when you are finally over them..its nice, as a girl, to see a movie where you actually see a guy going through that, no offense of course, but all movies always portray woman being dumped, cheated or heartboken...that one its all bout the guy being dumped and well its refreshing...and its funny so it helps!

Anyway, yes, not having an agenda is key by giving the no contact to someone who dumped you, think theres a chance to get back if the dumper had doubts over his action of breaking up in the first place.


and again Wibbs got it, funny things, you might not want them back when/if they do come back! but still, its not selfish i think thinking that way, why would it be if you still loved him/her to hope they miss you genuinely and want you back!

Nervous Wreck

Wibbs wrote: »

The no contact treatment is the best way of getting yourself back, not the other person. I reckon doing it for the latter reason is a hiding to nothing. If you get yourself back, then it's possible, but the funny thing I've found is that at that stage you don't want them back. Been the case for me anyhoo.

Agreed.


I was with a girl and she broke up with me and we kept in contact... After a while, i decided to cut it cos it was too hard.... I felt horrible and lost. 1 1/2 weeks of no contact and she told me she wanted me back, totally out of the blue.... We got back together and just recently broke up again. This time I cut contact from the start and I feel a million times better for it. Feel like I can be myself and honestly, if she came crawling back this time I'd tell her where to go. A cut in contact will give you great perspective.

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

Oh blokes have it as well, as soon as there is a sniff of a chance you are with or about to be with someone else they will find away to get in touch or get a friend to get in touch
on their behalf even if they are currently seeing someone.

OK then they're radar equipped wagons too then.:) It's a funny one though. Have seen it happen so often. One for the psychic forum to chew on methinks.:)

People break up because the relationship is broken,

Very true.

a bit of distance doesn't fix things

Unless distance is the very thing required to fix things. But yes I agree. Distance can only work if the people involved sort themselves out closer to home.

it just stops the hurt and lets you heal a little.

+1000000 Which is by far the best reason to do it. To heal oneself of as many of the emotional and spiritual and psychological and physical ticks that one possesses should be the aim of self discovery and life. The aim of you. If you can do that on the back of a breakup then the best and most loving thing that person did for you was not staying but leaving. I said it in another thread and I truly believe it, there are two healthy outcomes to everything in life, success and/or wisdom. The former comes to us all in one way or another so not such a big deal unless we miss it. Unhealthy lives are based on not getting the wisdom. That's true failure. If breaking contact gives you that and I think it's the best route, then it's a win win situation.