Problem with mother coming to stay

LegacyUser

Ok so my problem is this. My mother who I get on very well with comes to stay with us on a friday & doesn't go back to her house until the following monday. This goes on every weekend. She lives about 50 miles away from me. It initially started 7 months ago when I got a part-time job & worked fridays & saturdays so I asked her would she come down on a friday to look after my daughter. However, she has been coming down all weekend every weekend & even though I was let go a month ago she is still doing the same thing. It is really getting to my other half who gets on well with her but feels he is living half his week with her aswell. I know he's right but I don't know how to broach the subject with her & definitely don't want to upset her or make her feel unwelcome.

To make matters worse part of the reason she spends half the week with us is because she is in a marriage with my father that she doesn't want to be in but won't do anything about it. I have tried in the past talking to her about it but got nowhere & gave up. I do not speak to my father or see him & i will not call to the family home so if my mother wants to see me & my daughter she has to come see us. Also she has no other family around.

I am due a second child later in the year & I know already what my mother is planning in her head. She will plan to spend weeks on end with us helping out. Whilst she does help out around the place I feel that she just takes visiting us for granted & can come & stay as and when she wants. I want this whole issue sorted before the baby arrives. It is stressing me out.

Has anyone got any advice on how i can talk to my mother about this without upsetting her too much? Thanks

LegacyUser

Hi there

i am on the other side of the same situation, i am the other half. my OH parents come to see us ALOT. while i have no problem with them calling every now and then and generally do really like them i feel that lately they've been treating our home as a holiday home. they are lonely as all of their children have moved out and we are the only ones with a spare room... though i understand that your mother is stuck in a marriage she doesn't want to be in this is not your responsibiltiy. she is a grown woman and can make her own choices.

though it will be hard you need to sit your mother down and explain that it is too much and you and your OH need time on your own with the children as a family unit in order to grownand develop as a family and that though you like to see her it is inappropriate that she considers your home as a bolt hole to get away from her husband. the sooner you nip this in the bud the better. my OH has refused to say anything to his parents (typical irish mammys boy) however i have now told him that i am going to say it to them the next time they arrive. sure, they will be upset however they will get over it in time. you mother will too. you need to be strong and talk to her otherwise this will escalate to the point where your OH won't be able to stand the sight of your mother and this will cause terrible friction between the two of you.

good luck it it.

Oh The Humanity

To make matters worse part of the reason she spends half the week with us is because she is in a marriage with my father that she doesn't want to be in but won't do anything about it.

Oh dear, this is tricky.
Generally older people are slower to jettison dead relationships and sometimes tend to maintain the belief that their children are sort of 'responsible' for them as they were for their parents.

In other words, your Mother is unlikely to see what she is doing as imposing. She is more likely to believe that she is your parent and you 'owe it to her' -because that generation were very controlled by their own parents.

There is more of a perception now that you plan for your old age and you are responsible for yourself kind of thing but in the past this was not so. It was kind of expected that your family would step in.

Your husband has been a trooper to be honest to put up with this so far. If it was my other halfs parent I would have lost the plot long ago. Nothing personal to your Mother, she is no doubt the nicest woman in the world but wearing out her welcome all the same.

Unfortunately, she IS going to take offence no matter how delicately and diplomatically you put it. Im sorry to say its YOUR responsibility to sort this out. She is your Mother and as you can not go to her home to see her then you need to make some other kind of arrangement.

Your husband needs his space at weekends within his own home. Visitors are nice but this has gone too far.

You are going to have to start peppering your conversations with your Mother with indications that this has now run its course and wont be going on.

You are going to have to be firm in the face of crying/self pity or manipulation. The worst thing will be if she bravely takes it on the chin. No matter what happens you are going to feel like sh1t, so you have to prepare for that.

I know you tried to talk to her and got nowhere, what happened ....did she just keep turning up?

What would happen if you all went away for the weekend...for example...

iguana

How about telling her that next weekend you and your husband are taking your daughter away for the weekend, then the following week tell her you have friends staying. The week after that let her visit, but the following week tell her you have something on again. Keep this up until she gets in the habit of coming for a weekend once a month or so.

Remember, she did you a favour when you needed her. And telling her to stop coming now could make her feel used. Just try to subtly break the habit.

LegacyUser

Thank you both for your responses. I know that I have to be the one to say something & sort this out. I agree that my other half has been very patient but I can see its getting to him more & more. If we go away for the weekend obviously my mother stays at home but she will just continue to call the following weekend as usual & it will go on from there.

I meant that I have tried discussing the whole being stuck in a marriage that she doesn't want to be in issue in the past. It got me nowhere. She has told me that she doesn't want to stay with him. I have told her that we would help her out temporarily as in a place to stay till she gets herself sorted. I even brought her to a solicitor so he could tell her her rights/entitlements. All to no avail. She still stays. The way I see it is that she is in her late 50's, has stuck it out for 30+ years & won't leave now. I have my own family to worry about now.

Its not that I don't want my mother to come & visit. Its just that every 2nd or 3rd week would be sufficient & I know that I would have to make more of an effort to bring my daughter to see her. Its just so hard the fact that going to visit the family home is not an option for me.

Lollipops23

How about subtely mentioning in conversation that you think you and your hubby need some quality time together before baba #2 comes along and you're planning on spending next weekend alone together, ie sending baba #1 to a mate's for the weekend...tell her you're going out for dinner, going to the cinema and any other romantic activities you can think of...

this may help break the habit as she'll know she's not welcome for that weekend, she may be detered from coming every single week.

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you both for your responses. I know that I have to be the one to say something & sort this out. I agree that my other half has been very patient but I can see its getting to him more & more. If we go away for the weekend obviously my mother stays at home but she will just continue to call the following weekend as usual & it will go on from there.

I meant that I have tried discussing the whole being stuck in a marriage that she doesn't want to be in issue in the past. It got me nowhere. She has told me that she doesn't want to stay with him. I have told her that we would help her out temporarily as in a place to stay till she gets herself sorted. I even brought her to a solicitor so he could tell her her rights/entitlements. All to no avail. She still stays. The way I see it is that she is in her late 50's, has stuck it out for 30+ years & won't leave now. I have my own family to worry about now.

Its not that I don't want my mother to come & visit. Its just that every 2nd or 3rd week would be sufficient & I know that I would have to make more of an effort to bring my daughter to see her. Its just so hard the fact that going to visit the family home is not an option for me.

That is hard but you are not the only one in that boat believe me (cant visit family home)

Beware of getting too sucked into your Ma's marital problems it sounds like she will pay lip service to leaving but have no real intentions of it. She will more enjoy the attention and the company of being brought to the solicitor etc.

Also while she has your house to run to every week she has no incentive to leave her stale relationship.

You have got to start playing hardball with her. Week by week, its going to take a sustained effort over time not just one token effort in order to get your husband off your back.

This is on you. We are all soft with our Mams so I dont envy you of course but you have to protect your marriage from this level of invasion because it will tear you both apart. But your husband cant see her off so you are going to have to.

You cant be passive in this, your marriage depends on it.

neuro-praxis

This is a question of boundaries.

There is no other way to do this except to be straight about it and tell her she needs to wait for an invitation before staying for the weekend. Lying is not an option.

"Mum, I love you, but me and X and the kids need some time to ourselves, so please can you wait for an invitation in future before coming to visit."

Then invite her once a month, and ring her regularly - or whatever is a comfortable boundary for you.

She might be hurt at first, but she will get used to the reality, especially seeing as how she values you so much. Be prepared for her to take it badly - people often do when a boundary is set for them. Just be kind, and calm, and make sure to contact her shortly after this conversation. Also, do NOT have the conversation while she is there, as she may feel humiliated and want to leave immediately. Take her out for lunch one day perhaps, and do it then.

You are also enabling her in a crap marriage. If she can no longer run to you for 4 out of 7 days in the week she might be pushed to do something about her situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks one & all. Some good advice. I will just have to bite the bullet & speak to her about it

Ann22

You could tell her that your oh and you are having a few problems, that you're arguing a bit and need to spend time on your own...you need to make the effort on the weekends to have some quality time...that during the week you're too nackered to concentrate on each other. Maybe to soften it you could say something like 'john is feeling a bit left out 'cos me and you are gossiping all the time, he's starting to feel like a third wheel'. (that's a bit cowardly - blaming him:o but she may not be offended if it's put like that)