Is it all my fault?

LegacyUser

Theres alot of background and stories to this but il try and keep it short. Basically my mum died three years ago. We were unusually close (we did everything together;i never really met any of my parents friends) and despite a large extended family we were more or less cut off from them. This was more of my fathers choice than my mums and i still keep in contact with a few members of her family.

A year after she died my dad started to date someone new. i was away and was told when i got back after a summer abroad. I was the last to know about it and i was only home for a few weeks before i had to take up a placement abroad. To say my relationship with my dad suffered would be an understatement. I spoke to him sometimes but when i was at home he would dissapear to her house for the few days that i was around. It wasn't because we were fighting at the time he was just a little stupid and couldn't see that it might hurt me.

I moved back last year reluctantly. I suggested family therapy and i went to counseling myself seperately and im not on anti-depressants. I don't want to know this woman or her family. my sister met her when i was away and as soon as she did it was expected of her to meet this womans children and extended family. When my mum died she naturally left everything to my dad and now he wants to take this woman to our home which in my mind is still my mums and we have no say over anything. I met her for the first time recently and she was ok. i didnt want to but i tried to do it. it was ok for the first while but when it just went downhill. im sure shes nice but why do i have to have anything to do with her?

according to my dad i must be crazy and everything is my fault. To be honest i just want to leave and forget the lot of them but i cant because im still a student. my dad has never been affectionate to us and i feel lonely and sometimes like we're being replaced by some silly woman and her kids. am i mad? is it all my fault? sometimes i feel so alone that i want to just run away.

Beruthiel

Unregistered22 wrote: »

i feel lonely and sometimes like we're being replaced by some silly woman and her kids. am i mad? is it all my fault? sometimes i feel so alone that i want to just run away.

Your Da is being a tad insensitive.
Yes, he has a right to get on with his life and find happiness.
However, it is clear that you feel he has replaced your mother, (who you clearly still miss) and this is upsetting you.
The family dynamic has changed, you've been left at sea without a paddle.

Have you explained all this to him at all?
Perhaps he's unaware.

LegacyUser

I have been in exactly the same place and all I can say to you is that in the long run for you it is so much better that your Dad has someone new in his life. You are young and have everything ahead of you - but he lost a huge part of his security when your mum died. He to be a little insensitive is getting on with his life which is great for him. You need to remember that life is short ( something I am sure your Mums passing thought you) and you have to make the very most of it. I know it ishard as I said I have been there - but don't let it ruin your life. Forgive him and forgive yourself. Let him deal with things in his own way. Just think when you are finished studying you can go and live your own life without feeling responsibility for him - at home on his own with no one looking out for him. I now it is very hard but see this as an oppurtunity not a threat.

LegacyUser

hi

no has been told a million times. The therapist told him he acted wrong in handling it but he just thinks theyre all wrong and hes always right. (his actual words)

Its not so much that shes there anymore. i kinda get that shes not going anywhere and it is good for him to someone. she's not perhaps what i would have expected though and her family is still young so its like dad is going to be their new father figure. At the same time though i just don't want to be part of it. Its like we have to pretend to be this family but it doesn't exist anymore. why am i expected to fall in to line with them though, its his relationship, surely i shouldn't have to see her.

shellyboo

Unregistered22 wrote: »

why am i expected to fall in to line with them though, its his relationship, surely i shouldn't have to see her.

How would you feel if your Dad or one of your siblings said that to you about your partner though, OP? That they don't "have" to meet them or like them or do anything with them? I know I'd be hurt if someone I loved was dismissed by a family member like that.

He's your Dad, he wants you to be part of his life. And his life now includes his partner and her kids. I think you should make an effort. I know it's probably really hard for you - I've never lost a parent so I have no idea what it must feel like - but I think for your own sake you should make an effort. You might regret falling out with your father over this.

bluecell99

Hi there,

I agree with most of the responses here.It is not unusual at all.The best option is compromise.Nobody is saying you must become best ,bosom buddies with your Dad's new friend.But you are an adult.Of course nobody will ever replace your Mother.Try to see it from others points of view as well.People will always form relationships.This does not mean your dad is somehow being disloyal or forgetting your Mom.Some people express themselves differently;maybe some appear to have grieved for too little a time;some others find they must move on in order to cope with the loss.

You have met the new friend.As you say she seems ok.Maybe in time you will be happy for them and the main thng is to try and enjoy your own life .Be supportive as much as you can.You have found out the pain of losing a loved parent and this stays with us at some level for the rest of our own lives.

But I feel sure they would want us to move forward and try to be happy.