Was it me or the mother in law?

ilovetorock

my partner has left me and our 3 children to live with his mother I am so pissed off i dont know what to do.

You see my partner has a lot of problems abused by a cousin when he was 7 which led him to drink and getting into trouble.

I met him when i was 19 and he was 23 fellin love at first sight .Blind to his drinking heavy as i was young ans having good time myself to notice, got pregnant with first child and thats when his mother went ballistic . when she found out i was pregnant she turned up at my job called me every slut and tramp ect ect .I did not speak to her for nearly 2 years.

every time we had a row she stuck her ore in, this went on for years and we split up for 3 years he cheated and moved out . he came back begging for me to give him another go said no at first but he talked me around.

Everything was going well for last 5 years as he was not talking to his mother,he gave up the drink and 5 weeks ago he got back talking to his mother, 4 weeks ago she invited us to her house and thats when things start falling apart, he spent every day there coming home only to sleep ,things came to a head 2 days ago when sitting in his mothers he said how much he hated our house coulnt stand the thought of going back ,so i lost the head and said if he didnt like it he knew where the door was , his mother phoned him that night and told him he could have the spare room so next day packed his bags and left.

i am disgusted with myself for taking him back in the first place ,it took a hell of a lot to trust him again gave him my heart for him to break it again
looking back over 17 years i was the giver and he was the taker ,i loved him for 17 years and he never loved me back. the only gifts he gave me are our 3 children . i have been his best freind a shoulder to cry on ,i just feel so let down are there any men out there that dont cheat or treat women like dirt ?

Butterfly baby

All men aren't like that hon and trust me, althought it can be easy, don't paint them all with the same brush. Your ex is an ass and only use that brush to paint him. You have 3 kids now but, as you said, they were something good to come from his attitude, he obviously wants to be mothered and leave him to it, seriously yu'll find loads of guys that will happly be with you, kids or not, in the future but for now sort out all the maintenance and house and access and stuff and it'll probably take you about 6 months but after that's all done get your ass out on the dating scene again...there's no better revenge to get on an ex than to move on and be happy especially if it's a male ex, they absolutley HATE the thought that you're happy without them lol*

*Any riots that causes will just prove my point

Seraphina

ok, hold your horses! yes, this was a ****ty thing to do, but you've got to understand this from his perspective.

this guy didn't speak to his mother for 5 years!!! it's natural for him to be excited at the prospect, and want to spend as much time with his mother as possible. he probably loved it, being mammied all over again, she was probably treating him like a prince. yes his comment was way out of line, but he is to a certain extent re-living his childhood in getting to know his mother again, but you 'losing the head' probably just pushed him away from you and further into his arms.

its possible his mother is influencing or manipulating him in some way, even unconsciously by simply being very nice to him in trying to make up for lost time. he's probably loving the attention, and if she has badmouthed you in the past, its likely she's doing it again.

i think you need to speak to him again, but be calm and frank and honest. explain you understood that he enjoyed spending time with his mother again, but you were really hurt by his statement that he couldn't stand the thought of going home.

he needs to realise that life can't be all fun and games living at home for the rest of his life. you need to point out (CALMLY!) that he has children and responsibilities, and that its hard work sometimes, but he can't just run to mum when things are tough.

i think there is a possibility of salvage, but only if you both want to. his moving home was a rash decision, and i have no doubt he'll probably regret it in a while after the fun of having mammy do everything for him wears off.

of course its up to you whether you think that, given the history between you two and your knowledge of him as a person, he can actually grow up, accept this life, these responsibilities, and move on with you.

and then of course there is always the fact that he has done this before, do you think he'll do it again? can you handle it again?

Butterfly baby

Seraphina wrote: »

ok, hold your horses! yes, this was a ****ty thing to do, but you've got to understand this from his perspective.

this guy didn't speak to his mother for 5 years!!! it's natural for him to be excited at the prospect, and want to spend as much time with his mother as possible. he probably loved it, being mammied all over again, she was probably treating him like a prince. yes his comment was way out of line, but he is to a certain extent re-living his childhood in getting to know his mother again, but you 'losing the head' probably just pushed him away from you and further into his arms.

its possible his mother is influencing or manipulating him in some way, even unconsciously by simply being very nice to him in trying to make up for lost time. he's probably loving the attention, and if she has badmouthed you in the past, its likely she's doing it again.

i think you need to speak to him again, but be calm and frank and honest. explain you understood that he enjoyed spending time with his mother again, but you were really hurt by his statement that he couldn't stand the thought of going home.

he needs to realise that life can't be all fun and games living at home for the rest of his life. you need to point out (CALMLY!) that he has children and responsibilities, and that its hard work sometimes, but he can't just run to mum when things are tough.

i think there is a possibility of salvage, but only if you both want to. his moving home was a rash decision, and i have no doubt he'll probably regret it in a while after the fun of having mammy do everything for him wears off.

of course its up to you whether you think that, given the history between you two and your knowledge of him as a person, he can actually grow up, accept this life, these responsibilities, and move on with you.

and then of course there is always the fact that he has done this before, do you think he'll do it again? can you handle it again?

All moot for one reason, he walked out on 3 kids.

seanybiker

Your fella sounds like a right loser to be honest and you are better off without a fella like him. All he cares about is himself. He isnt even a man in my opinion for leaving his 3 kids and yourself for his mammy.

I think you probably will take him back to be honest. Ya shouldnt though.
Look forward to some alone time with your kids and some day you will find yourself a real man.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Really sorry for this further rejection you and your children have been subjected to.


Alcoholism is very controlling and if he was not prepared to do some in depth counseling and work on himself then you were always going to be let down by him.

There is some tough questions i think you need to ask yourself, this is in no way excusing his behaviour but what in you has attracted a man like this, usually we attract situations and persons who reflect our self esteem and experiences growing up, for 17 years you have allowed this person to control you and your life, partners and children of alcoholics need therapy to understand this as much as the alcoholic because of the negative dynamics it has. His behaviour is inexcusable but you have a responsibility also to not accept it anymore and put you and your children first.

Once you let go of this guy physically and emotionally you can then build up a different perspective of men and relationships to attract a more positive situation.

This is all hard stuff to hear and i am speaking from experience, and being terrified at going at life on my own and having to ask for more for myself,

I really feel that if you can make a better relationship with yourself then your world will change, everything he has done to you cannot only be your story to tell so you have to change this,

Let him go to his mothers and she can deal with him from now on, get some therapy for you and prove to yourself that you deserve a better man and a better life.

seamus

Seraphina wrote: »

this guy didn't speak to his mother for 5 years!!! it's natural for him to be excited at the prospect, and want to spend as much time with his mother as possible. he probably loved it, being mammied all over again, she was probably treating him like a prince. yes his comment was way out of line, but he is to a certain extent re-living his childhood in getting to know his mother again, but you 'losing the head' probably just pushed him away from you and further into his arms.

While I see where you're coming from Sera, the guy is 40, not 14. When you have children and/or get married, your priorities change. You now have your own family and the parents you grew up with take second place to your family, who deserve your top priority. Regardless of how long any kind of fight was, his mother should still play second fiddle to his wife and family and this guy clearly abandoned them when he had someone who would would worship the ground he walked on.

He will never be happy without a Mammy figure in his life, because she's been submitting to his every whim - he goes off drinking himself silly, gets a girl pregnant, and the mother blames the girl? That's bordering on insane.

You're better off leaving them to eachother - give yourself time to breath and sort yourself out, and just plain ignore him until your head is straight.

Rest assured that most men aren't like this guy.

Seraphina

Ok i am sorry I've re-read the whole thing, and have clearly misread the timeline, for some reason I got the impression you guys were still in your 20's and i thought there was just 1 kid. that's what too much uni work at 3am does to you brain...

yeah... thats an awful lot more problematic now. if he hasn't grown up by 40, he probably never will...

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Sounds more like her than you. You took him back, he changed, gave up the drink and all was well until Mother weaved her magic and took him back.

It's obvious that she doesn't approve of you, but that'd her problem not yours. I think you do need to be a more patient with him - for the sake of the kids as much as anything else.

The other question is this: if he came back, would you take him back?

ilovetorock

id love to say i wouldnt take him back but ive loved him for 17 years ,and the problem now is ill never speak to his mother again and could he live with that i dont think so there is no going back not that he wants to come back not a phone call to the kids since he left.

partyguinness

Sorry to hear about the situation but whats the problem here?

Does the OP simply want to know if all men are like that.

Answer = No.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

ilovetorock wrote: »

id love to say i wouldnt take him back but ive loved him for 17 years ,and the problem now is ill never speak to his mother again and could he live with that i dont think so there is no going back not that he wants to come back not a phone call to the kids since he left.

Fair enough - but it might happen and you need to have your stance ready if it does.

Butterfly baby

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

Sounds more like you than her. You took him back, he changed, gave up the drink and all was well until Mother weaved her magic and took him back.

It's obvious that she doesn't approve of you, but that'd her problem not yours. I think you do need to be a more patient with him - for the sake of the kids as much as anything else.

The other question is this: if he came back, would you take him back?

Seriously?? what planet do you live on? should she patiently sit around waiting until he decides if he wants to see his kids again or not?...hell sure it's not his fault right? it's probably just a midlife crisis which I'm sure the kids will understand when they are told they can't have new shoes because "Daddy is having a bad day and drank all the money"

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Butterfly baby wrote: »

Seriously?? what planet do you live on? should she patiently sit around waiting until he decides if he wants to see his kids again or not?...hell sure it's not his fault right? it's probably just a midlife crisis which I'm sure the kids will understand when they are told they can't have new shoes because "Daddy is having a bad day and drank all the money"

Srry - that was a typo - should have read more her than you. Second comment was more for the kids. Like I said later: if he comes back, OP needs to be ready, but if she takes him back, she'll have to be parient. If not (and I'm open to this being the preferred option) then stay strong.

Apologies for confusion