Young single mum - boyfriend question

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm a single mum in my early 20s. Have been going out with my boyfriend for about 5 months now...its the 1st serious relationship Iv had since I had my daughter 3yrs ago & its all going really well.Theres just one thing thats been on my mind & it would be good to get some opinions or if anyone has been in similar situations...

At the start I know my boyfriend struggled with the idea of me having a daughter. Hes also in his early 20s, going to be finished studying next year & had plans to live in Australia for a while when he was finished.
He hasnt met my daughter yet...didnt want to rush into introducing them.He's said he's looking forward to meeting her but he's also afraid of how he'll react to seeing me in a 'mum' role & not just as his girlfriend..& whether it'll change his perception of me.

I guess its been easy for him until now. We're both busy with our own things during the week & shes over at her Dads most weekends so we get to have a 'normal' relationship - go out clubbing, i stay over at his etc.. But i have this entirely separate life where i AM a mother & I want to introduce him to that part of my life.

I just want to get other peoples opinions on how they would feel about going out with a single mum at such a young age.
Would you be able to deal with it if you felt strongly enough about the girl or do you think it would just be too much to ask for most guys? Especially when they had all these ideas of where they saw their life going..travelling, living abroad etc etc.
Or is anyone in a similar position to me?/Any guys that have dated single mums when they were still pretty young?

I don't know anyone else in my situation so I don't know what to expect. How do I even go about introducing him to her without making it into a big deal?
I care about him alot & we both love eachother...it's something i really want to make work.
So I guess it would just be good to get other peoples opinions on the situation.

IRISH RAIL

Hi there single mum
firstly id be a bit waery to introducing him to your daughter if hes going away soon a stranger around might not be what she needs but I could be wrong on that
but the biggest thing guys hate about girls with kids is the lack of time you get to spend with him sure the first few months are fine as its still pretty casual but when it gets more serious then unless hes commited 100 per cent he will get jealous of your daughter sounds really immature but believe it or not its true.
he could get peed off with you not being able to make it out or being able to cuddle up little things like that that can build up. not many guys will tell you that.
the best thing is to introduce him very casually maybe a trip to the cinema where hes just "around" if you know what I mean or a walk to a playground where shes more preocupied with something else then as time goes by more interaction.
hope things work out well for you

sogood

If he's into you, likes you, is happy to have a relationship with you, then he really should be into the whole package. It's a kind of "warts and all" scenario, not to suggest for a moment that your daughter is any sort of flaw in the relationship, quite the opposite. She is part of you and so, part of the package. You cant have an "a la carte" relationship, cherry picking all the best bits and then regard it as a "full/complete" relationship.

Meeting up under optimum conditions, when you have the place and time to yourselves is all very well, but its a bit like a holiday romance and not really the real deal. You've managed to keep your daughter away from him for 5 months, which certainly seems to suit him, so how much longer can that continue? If it were me in his place, I'd begin to doubt that you actually have a daughter at all. Introduce her to him and vice versa. Introduce him as "your friend" unless you're concerned about her carrying news back to her Dad? Let them get to know each other at least, cos you cant hide her forever.

RedXIV

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

but the biggest thing guys hate about girls with kids is the lack of time you get to spend with him sure the first few months are fine as its still pretty casual but when it gets more serious then unless hes commited 100 per cent he will get jealous of your daughter sounds really immature but believe it or not its true.
he could get peed off with you not being able to make it out or being able to cuddle up little things like that that can build up. not many guys will tell you that.

That depends totally on the guy. Thats an unfair generalization to make.

sogood wrote: »

If he's into you, likes you, is happy to have a relationship with you, then he really should be into the whole package. It's a kind of "warts and all" scenario, not to suggest for a moment that your daughter is any sort of flaw in the relationship, quite the opposite. She is part of you and so, part of the package. You cant have an "a la carte" relationship, cherry picking all the best bits and then regard it as a "full/complete" relationship.

Meeting up under optimum conditions, when you have the place and time to yourselves is all very well, but its a bit like a holiday romance and not really the real deal. You've managed to keep your daughter away from him for 5 months, which certainly seems to suit him, so how much longer can that continue? If it were me in his place, I'd begin to doubt that you actually have a daughter at all. Introduce her to him and vice versa. Introduce him as "your friend" unless you're concerned about her carrying news back to her Dad? Let them get to know each other at least, cos you cant hide her forever.

Some great advice in there and def stuff to think about when you're considering this.

OP i can def relate to you on this. I've been going out with my OH for nearly a year and she has a son. And for the first 3 months we went out, i didn't meet him, but after that i did, and to be honest, i actually quite enjoy the little guy's company. I think this totally depends on the guy you're going out with. Personally, i have absolutely no problems with my OH having a kid, and even though you do learn to sacrifice some things as a partner (like me learning he wasn't going to let me sleep in past 9 or telling me to my face he liked me because i had a DS ) you do get an awful lot back. I love talking to him to see where his train of thought leads to. We have a great time planning surprises for his mum like breakfast in bed or drawing pictures. But i will admit that i'm a family kinda guy. I like the idea of having one in the near future with someone so this is no problem to me. I was thinking of going overseas when i finished college this year but i've no interest in it any more, i like this relationship a whole lot more.

In the end of the day lass, you're gonna have to make a judgement call, and watch him as he meets your daughter. Some guys do get spooked, others take it in their stride. I'm here as proof of the latter, i've never been happier hopefully you'll end up with a similar situation

Oh and just so you know, i'm 22

IRISH RAIL

i didnt want to generalise red thats just from my experience but you are right it does depend on the guy

Sleepy

RedXIV makes some very good points OP, I'm in a similar situation to him except myself and my girlfriend have a daughter together too. I'd be wary in your situation tbh. If your boyfriend was (is?) planning to travel after college, hasn't expressed an interest in meeting your daughter to date (the way you phrase things makes me think that any suggestion of them meeting so far has come from you) and you only really see each other at the weekends I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't quite as serious about the relationship as you'd like...

LegacyUser

He has expressed an interest in seeing her..its more been me putting it off until I saw this as more than something casual.

He told me about how he struggled with the idea & thought about it alot at the start. He's definitely an over-thinker/worrier in all aspects of his life - he was worrying about things that wouldn't even cross my mind like if we were to get married & have children of our own would they call him by his name instead of 'Dad' if they heard my daughter doing that!
I know it was also difficult for him to accept that my ex will always be a part of my life & hers.

But now he reassures me that he's ok with it now & is looking forward to meeting her even though he's a bit nervous about how it will go - how she'll react AND how he'll react.

I just hope he IS ok with it & isn't just trying to convince himself and me that he is. Just last weekend we were watching some film & he said 'oh that actor - he just got married to so&so. Did you know she also has a daughter? If its ok for him then it must be ok for me!'...kinda made me think he still thinks about whether its the right situation for him to be in & isn't 100% sure.

I know I can't predict whether he'll be able to accept the whole me but I'm just SO nervous - never had any real feelings for anyone before him, not sure how I'd handle it if he ended things!
Hearing about other people in similar situations to me helps though. Thanks!
At least I know it IS possible for some guys my age to want to be in a relationship with someone with a child.
Guess I just have to wait and see if he's one of those guys...

RedXIV

just for a confidence boost lass, he sounds exactly like i did before i met my OH's son. i was nervous, i even thought about the "dad" thing too! I understand you not being keen on letting him meet your daughter because it is a big step but understand that it is a huge part of who you are and you're never going to have a real relationship until it happens. To be honest, with what you said, he sounds pretty cool about it, so just let it happen

Best of luck!!

LegacyUser

From what I can tell he has lasted 5 months longer than I could if I met a single mother so fair play to him and at least you know he has some interest! I have two friends that had girlfriends in their early 20's that were single mothers and one of the guys couldnt deal with the situation when he met the child and the other couple are now married with another child of their own so to answer your question OP it completly depends on the guy and the situation. As you say you dont want to make a big deal about him meeting her so dont, just let it happen casually over time and they will get more comfortable with each other. Good luck.