too young to be sad

LegacyUser

So I've just finished my first year in college and I feel awful. apparently these are supposed to be happy times but things just get worse for me.

so last year was not a good one either, I have never got on brilliantly with my parents but have always appreciated all that they have done for me (a good school, money, etc). the love was there at some point but its basically gone now to be honest. both of them, put bluntly, are boring and old-fashioned. they have no relationship any more and are together only for convenience's sake-i have a younger brother still in secondary school (I know that is not for me to decide, but it is my opinion nonetheless). the pretence sickens me, they have not slept in the same bed since I was about 4.

I have always been a great student, bright and able to get away with not studying my arse off and still doing well. i am creative and nice enough. i have a mean side but I have never done anything incredibly bad. i did the usual underage drinking etc never got into much trouble, id say the trouble for me started when I turned 18 and my poor ma actually copped the fact that i was drinking- alcohol is the devil to her and she is always worryin that i will turn into an alco, like some of our distant relatives on my das side. she is a perpetual worrier of course. so she would demand for me to be home at a certain time etc, which I went along with fro a while and eventually gave up on. id get shouted at when i came home/in the mornin but then thered b no further repurcussions so i guess you could say i had no boundaries, then again they were/are stricter than any other parents.

as 6th yr went on the stress really got to me and i became quite sad and felt isolated and sick of my small group of mates, this happens to a lot of people I know, but i let it get to me. every time i went out i got insanely drunk and did a lot of stuff I regret, such as slept with 2 people in 1 night. After the LC i had a bad experience or two with drugs. I am aware that all of this is self inflicted, but only due to the face that i never was/am happy.

Next something happened that ruined my life, without going into too much detail my friend was raped and I was sexually assaulted. We decided not to press charges but I still wonder about the perpetrators. Mostly I have blocked it out though, I did go to a counsellor which helped but only so much. It has destroyed my parents and their opinion of me. My dad no longer talks to me although he was very good to me when it initially happened.
I think that they expected this to completely change me, that I would stop going out etc. But I can be quite a strong person and I was determined not to let it ruin everything (although overall it still has). I have a much more serious outlook on life than most people and I trust no-one. I have lost two good friends because of it too, as they couldnt deal. One other friend knows but I dont talk to her about it much, I just can't.

After the 'incident' as my mother calls it I went on to get fantastic LC results and my dream course. My parents were both proud and surprised as they had watched me float through 6th year. I've had an okay year in college, I do like it but overall am so unhappy that I feel it affects a lot of stuff, my social and study skills for example. I am trying to make some positive changes, eg getting more involved in extracurricular stuff next year. I have some good friends in college but often feel a bit left out as I still live at home and they all live together. Ive gone on some mad benders this year but not done anything that I really regret seriously. I am looking every day but have no job for the summer and am dreading the inevitable trouble this will cause at home. I would love to move out and be independent as it would solve a lot of my unhappiness. My mother and i have a broken relationship and do nothing except fight, eg she calls me a slut, alco, pig etc and i call her a sad old woman. I need a new start before this gets worse, I can feel myself sinking.

Kevster

Hi,

I think that the first thing you should aim to do is to be on normal speaking terms with your mother. She will no doubt not be willing to change the way she looks at you (she's your mother, after all). However, you can be the clever person here and remain calm the next time she talks to you. Just don't let her words get to you - pass them off as irrelevant. I am saying this because I have had trouble with my mother too and I simply had to learn to accept that she wouldn't change the way she looks at me and worries about me (because she's my mother).

Anyway, the assault that you suffered is obviously still on your mind. It would be advisable to make sure that you are completely comfortable with this before moving on in life. If you don't sort things out from your past, they can really mess up things in the future. From reading your post, I get the feeling that it doesn't bother you too much, but I think that there's still a lot of anger in you about it all the same.

However, whilst saying all of this, I have spoken to people in the past who have been in very similar situations as yourself, and they claimed that their unhappiness suddenly lifted when they moved out. If you think that this is the next step in your life, then aim to do it.

Kevin