Friends for 4yrs-now is it more???

LegacyUser

Hi everyone going to try keep this very brief. Firstly i have a boyfriend and i do love him so much........but! I have been best friends right from the first day of college with this boy-he knows everything about me and i know when i need to talk to someone he is there for me and would do anything for me. In 5 days time we finish college for good - he goes back to his county and i to mine at the opposite end of the country.
I have been denyin having any feeling for this lad since the first year in college dispite everyone telling me that i have to like him cause we'r always together - i have been denying it but i have only been fooling myself. The thought of not seeing him every day anymore makes me upset even more than the thoughts of not seeing my boyfriend-which is so wrong!
I smile when he texts I smile when i see him and get that stupid butterfly feeling in my stomach which just wont piss off despite trying not to get it!
Im at a loss as to what to do and was wondering is there any other girl out there who has gone through this too?
what do i do???
a) get drunk and kiss him and confess all while prob making a tit out of myself
b) tell him how i fell or
c) deny deny deny?????????

Wibbs

Sure sounds like more to me anyway. You've got a guy who you have butterflies with, can talk to him about anything and know he's there for you no matter what(and presumably you would be the same) and your eyes light up when he texts and given a choice between never seeing him or your current boyfriend ever again, you choose him? Yep defo more.

What about your boyfriend? Is he just "the boyfriend" or something more, if you know what I mean?

Now what could be happening is that you're past the initial honeymoon stage with your boyfriend. Into the long term less passionate, less butterfly stage. This other guy, though you know him a long time, you haven't crossed the threshold romantically/sexually with him and that's exciting to you. It reminds of you what's not still there with the boyfriend. So you can be in love with two people. Long term safe attachment love with the boyfriend and new exciting love with the other person.

My take on these things in general is that if you have two people in your heart, then you've not enough heart for just one of them.

So what do you do? Well sit down and try and bypass the feelings bit and look at this with as much detachment as you can muster and see where that takes you. Though I would say your thought of not seeing him hurts more than not seeing your boyfriend seals it for me. It would if I was in your position. In that case I would dump the boyfriend and try this guy. Do not as too many people(mostly women in my experience), keep your boyfriend in play and try the other guy and if that fails you have the boyfriend on the back burner. That karma will bite you hard.

Lolaa

Most important is to try think realistically about what you want from your current boyfriend i.e. is it just a relationship, is it going anywhere, do you want it to go anywhere, is there marriage and family on the cards?

Then try to think of whether you want to stay in the safe relationship or put your heart on your sleeve and take a chance on the other guy?

I have many friends in the exact same situation as you are - some have failed miserably but others have been the best move they could have ever made. One is soon to be married. . .

LegacyUser

I'm with my current boyfriend a year this month. I love him to bits-Lolaa as you asked could i see family and so forth with this lad-somewhere down the line i can, he knows what im thinking and feeling he can finish my sentances he knows when there is something wrong regardless of how hard i try to hide it. And today i feel so so so guilt about even thinking about this other guy its killing me! I'd never cheat on my boyfriend-i couldnt i havent the heart to hurt him. I am in love with my boyfriend but why does a piece of my heart want this other guy too........its not fair. Such is life.

Lolaa

Okay - so you've been with your current bf a year now - and the other guy you've been in college with for 4 years. Did you have these feelings towards him prior to getting with your bf?

Its seems like you really do love your bf and want to be with him if you can see things going further down the line.

Maybe its a case of you being in a more comfortable side with your bf now and the lovey dovey butterfly feeling may be just gone - which happens all relationships -

Actually - could you see yourself with the other guy?

LegacyUser

Lolaa im stuck between a rock and a hard place-that lovely dovey side to my boyfriend or that honeymoon period as you can call it is still there-he works during the week so we only see each other at the weekends which has actually made us appreciate each other so much more and develop so much more. Everytime he comes through the door friday night i fall in love with him all over again - sappy i know but its true. The romance is far from dieing there.

As for the other guy-could i see myself with him-i can and i cant. My boyfriend is more mature than him which is part of the reason i love him so much because we can talk about anything where as this other boy is like Peter Pan he doesnt want to grow up which annoys me even as friends, yet he would be a brilliant boyfriend to any girl-he treated his ex as tho she was a princess. I did have feelings for this guy before i met my boyfriend.
I feel like screaming my head off!

Wibbs

Sounds like she's simply more attracted to the college guy. That's my read of it anyway. The boyfriend is a nice guy, good possibly long term safer bet, but the college guy is revving her engine more. I mean if gun to her head she was given the choice between not seeing the college guy again or the boyfriend, she would pick the college guy. That's pretty big and more than a crush. I would generally work on the principle that if I can't be without someone for a day, that's the one I should be with every day. At least it would make me think damned hard.

IMHO This situation would tell me that something is missing from your current relationship. What that something is you would know better. Now while you can be in love with two as I said in my first post(though Lolaa was more succinct:D), what is happening is that you're making up an ideal guy outa two.

Wibbs

That last post speaks to me even more that you're mixing two guys up emotionally. Boyfriend isn't around during the week. College guy is, so your emotional needs are covered by him as a substitute. Boyfriend shows up on the friday and college guy is likely put to the back of your mind. They're contrasting people too. Th maturity thing you mention is a strike against college guy, but I suspect it's also slightly an attractive quality. It really does sound like you're making up a relationship out of two guys.


my 2 cents anyway.

LegacyUser

Wibbs i think your kinda right - altho i dont see my boyfriend every day we do talk every day and lately i have been tryin to keep my distance from the other guy.
The more i keep thinking about the other guy the worse i feel for doing it.
Something you said tho there while ago about putting a gun to my head and who would i choose you said the best friend over my boyfriend - I think your wrong the more i think about it i couldnt - i love my boyfriend. i actually really really do and your after makin me realise it. my best friend is a crush the more i think about it thats all he is- i dont have the same deep desire for him as i do for my boyfriend and dont think i ever could.

I think Wibbs you my friend have just flicked a switch for me!

Lolaa

Wibbs makes a good point. It kinda seems like you are having a relationship with both - you have this young at heart college guy from monday to friday 9-5 and then at the wkends you have the maturity and love of your bf.

What about a pro and con list - maybe when its on paper one or the other will click?

Wibbs

Original Poster wrote: »

Something you said tho there while ago about putting a gun to my head and who would i choose you said the best friend over my boyfriend - I think your wrong the more i think about it i couldnt - i love my boyfriend. i actually really really do and your after makin me realise it. my best friend is a crush the more i think about it thats all he is- i dont have the same deep desire for him as i do for my boyfriend and dont think i ever could.

Well you said it first:p:), but hey sometimes we need a kick up the bum emotionally to see where we stand and what we actually want. It can be emotionally topsy turvy at the time too. Your change of pace and opinion from your first post to your last testifies to that. No biggy. It seems you've made that choice. Plus college will be over soon enough and the lack of daily contact with the college guy will defo help and your crush should ease right off. I would still ask myself what the college guy gives you, that your boyfriend doesn't and maybe explore ways that he could in future.

LegacyUser

My god after reading your post it could be me that wrote it!!! Except i'm with my boyfriend over 3 years.

I have decided though that the crush is just going to have to stay that, though I think he will always be my lifelong friend. I decided that a couple of years ago actually but now with college ending it does bring up alot of emotions.

I think best to stay with your boyfriend, it in the future you decide you can't live without the other guy you can always do something about it then.