Had Enough

wolfpawnat

Hey everyone,

As a lot of posters here will know I don't get on too well with my OH's mother and I have had nothing but trouble with her throughout my pregnancy and since the baby's birth (he is now 12 weeks old). I was a student until he was born and gave up my apartment in Dublin to move down to West Clare - even though I didn't want to, to live in with my OH's mother and since then my life and that of my OH ( who is studying for his exams) have been hell. Her attitude is it is her house and she will do what she likes in it, including make snide comments all day everyday at us, demand our son is raised the way she wants him to be and interrupting my OH's study for stupid things that could as easily be dealt with when he finishes in the evenings.

Anyway I applied for the dole in March and it still hasn't come through due to back log so all I have is the Children's Allowance and the Early Childhood Supplement. I really need to get out of this house but I cannot afford rent/deposit or anything else. Does anyone know where I can get financial help to get me out of this (legally I might add:)) It is too stressful here for me, my OH and our baby.

Thanks for any and all help

wasper

Unfortunately you live in her house. So she can be as much abnoxious as she wants. You can stay living there until you get accommodation of your own. Or go to your parents for piece of mind. I am assuming that you have parents that can help you.
You must be really under constant pressure to please her, raise your child & find money to give you a bit of independence.

username123

Get onto citizens advice immediately to find out if you can be housed or any other entitlements.

In the meantime, can you move anywhere else for the immediate future (stay with family, friends) just to get away from the crazy woman?

Unfortunately if you are under her roof she calls all the shots.

CommieBaz

I'd agree with username123, the citizen's advice bureau are paid to answer questions like these.

Also, have you and your OH tried to talk to his mother about her behaviour?

sogood

You can also check out your local Community welfare Office, who are there to help out especially in areas such as "waiting for dole to come through" and rent allowance supplement etc. Many sympathies and hope you get matters sorted soon.

merlie

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Hey everyone,

As a lot of posters here will know I don't get on too well with my OH's mother and I have had nothing but trouble with her throughout my pregnancy and since the baby's birth (he is now 12 weeks old). I was a student until he was born and gave up my apartment in Dublin to move down to West Clare - even though I didn't want to, to live in with my OH's mother and since then my life and that of my OH ( who is studying for his exams) have been hell. Her attitude is it is her house and she will do what she likes in it, including make snide comments all day everyday at us, demand our son is raised the way she wants him to be and interrupting my OH's study for stupid things that could as easily be dealt with when he finishes in the evenings.

Anyway I applied for the dole in March and it still hasn't come through due to back log so all I have is the Children's Allowance and the Early Childhood Supplement. I really need to get out of this house but I cannot afford rent/deposit or anything else. Does anyone know where I can get financial help to get me out of this (legally I might add:)) It is too stressful here for me, my OH and our baby.

Thanks for any and all help

Hello Wolfpawnat,

I understand what you are going through as it must be really tough two households living together. Is your OH receiving any benefits? You can claim supplementary allowance while you are waiting on job seekers allowance to come through. You may be also entitled to other benefits. You are best checking all this out with your local citizens advice bureau. They will have all the info you need and can contact people on your behalf. Also you can let them know of your current accommodation situation and they will be able to direct you on what's available to you.

You should open up a Credit Union Account and save something every week if you can. Apply to the Local Housing Authority for a house/ apartment, just get yourself on the list and keep checking back with them. Also there is a programme called Rural Resettlement, where they offer rented homes at reasonable prices. For more info you can contact them at 065 9058034 or email them at: rri@iol.ie they are in Kilbaha Co Clare. I really hope it works out for you.

Do take care of yourself,

Love,

Merlie

Profiler

wasper wrote: »

Unfortunately you live in her house. So she can be as much abnoxious as she wants.

Sorry but that is very VERY wrong. So what if they are in her house, how does that give her the right to be rude or obnoxious? She can call some of the shots but insisting that the child be brought up only as she sees fit? Again very wrong.

Granted you can't get out right now but you can lay down the law when it comes to your child. I would sit her down with the O/H and tell her that the current living arrangements are temporary but she needs to be courteous and respectful of your new family. If she can not do that then you tell her that when you move out her contact with her grandchild will end.

wolfpawnat

wasper wrote: »

Unfortunately you live in her house. So she can be as much abnoxious as she wants. Or go to your parents for piece of mind. I am assuming that you have parents that can help you.

I'm sorry but no one deserves to get verbal abuse day in day out. She says I'm a dosser for being on the dole but there is no jobs. I have tried everywhere in my locality for anything but sadly nothing! I never dispute that it's her house and I don't ever tell her how it should be run.

Also sadly I do not have parents I can go to myself. I never wanted to come here. I was annoyed with it daily until I did, by members of the family.

CommieBaz wrote: »

Also, have you and your OH tried to talk to his mother about her behaviour?

She attacks him daily with the same sh!te, he is studying for exams at the moment and the stress is terrible for him. If he stands up to her he's a bully and very bossy!

sogood wrote: »

You can also check out your local Community welfare Office, who are there to help out especially in areas such as "waiting for dole to come through" and rent allowance supplement etc. Many sympathies and hope you get matters sorted soon.

Thank you, I really didn't know they could help you with that. It would really help sort things out:)

merlie wrote: »

Is your OH receiving any benefits?

No he is in full time education and is not even receiving a grant as this is his second time in college so he has to pay 10,000 a year fees too.

CommieBaz

It sounds like a very abrasive situation that you're in at the moment. If you have any other close friends you could stay with, maybe you should give them a try...?

iguana

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I'm sorry but no one deserves to get verbal abuse day in day out. She says I'm a dosser for being on the dole but there is no jobs.

Your baby is only 12 weeks old, if you had been working before you had him you would most likely still be on maternity leave now. Most women (in this part of the world) are not back in work 12 weeks after giving birth.

Has she agreed to mind your son if you find a job? If so it sounds to me a little as if she has a fantasy about being with him full-time and is frustrated that you are getting in the way of that. If that's possibly true then Profiler's suggestion of making it clear to her that you will not be in her house forever. You will be moving as soon as you possibly can and when you do move you won't be hugely inclined to keep such an unpleasant person in your son's life.

merlie

wolfpawnat wrote: »

No he is in full time education and is not even receiving a grant as this is his second time in college so he has to pay 10,000 a year fees too.

He should be getting some form of financial assistance. Does he work part time even? If he is not working he may be able to claim. Do ask about this when visiting your local citizens advice bureau.

Check out this informative website

http://www.studentfinance.ie/

You really need to talk things over with him when she is not around, as the sooner you can sort out your finances, the sooner you can get a place together. I know it is stressful at the moment but each little step you can take together is a step towards a peaceful and happy life. It is not far off, just takes a bit of work to get there. So keep your chin up and go for it girl.

Take care of yourself,

Love,

Merlie

Overheal

talk to your college of course! they have student aid funds that they loan/give out to students on a per case basis. Go make your case. if you just need to float money till your allowance and dole come through im sure theyd spot you.

wolfpawnat

Well its official, I have taken loans off family friends to get out and get my own place. My son and I are going to a 3 bedroom house and when the OH is finished his exams he will join us! I can actually say I have never felt this happy since the moment I first saw my son.

I was bringing my son for his bcg injection today and her sister lives across the road from the health centre and offered me to come in for a cup of tea, when I said yes I apparently betrayed her. How that is betrayal I'll never know but sure feck it, I'm going to be free of the b!tch within 24hrs! She threatened to bring my mother (whom I have not spoken to in a long long time as she and I cannot get along) to my sons christening so instead I said she is forbidden from coming also and I am moving into my own house. I am so excited. I have to get to the community welfare officer to see if I can get some assistance with the rent tomorrow!

Thank you so much for your advice everyone, I am really grateful!

Profiler

wolfpawnat wrote: »

She threatened to bring my mother (whom I have not spoken to in a long long time as she and I cannot get along) to my sons christening so instead I said she is forbidden from coming also and I am moving into my own house.

It's great that you are out on your own and out of that situation, however could I suggest that once you have settled in to the new house you and the other half call in to see her and offer a truce.

You should be the bigger person in all of this, it would be wrong for your little boy to miss out on his paternal grandmother completely.

Trust me from first hand experience this kind of family strife when you are over tired because of a teething or cholicy "little treasure" is one less hassle you can do without. If you can possibly avoid it you should try.

Perhaps you and your other half should tell her she is welcome to come to the Christening but that she must respect you and most importantly your wishes, if she can't respect your wishes then so be it but I think for your own sanity and your son, you should at least give her the chance to go. It's your decision

Toots

Delighted to hear you've got sorted! I'm sure it'll be a weight off your shoulders to get settled in your own place without all that stress.

Profiler wrote: »

Perhaps you and your other half should tell her she is welcome to come to the Christening but that she must respect you and most importantly your wishes, if she can't respect your wishes then so be it but I think for your own sanity and your son, you should at least give her the chance to go. It's your decision

I agree with the above. Your OH's mother sounds like the vindictive type who will blame you if she's not allowed to see her grandson, and will more than likely tell anyone who'd listen what a horrible person you are etc etc. I know her petty ranting should be beneath you, but I think the less 'ammunition' you give her the better.

There's also a lot to be said for being the bigger person in a situation. If you offer the olive branch, but she won't take it, at least you'll honestly know that you did make an effort, and if your son comes to you in the future and asks why his grandma never sees him, you'll know it's not because of anything you've done. TBH, she'd be a very foolish woman to continue as she is, because at the end of the day it's her who'll miss out in the long run.

Best of luck to you, your OH and your son in your new home, hope everything works out for you in the future.

January

Profiler wrote: »

Trust me from first hand experience this kind of family strife when you are over tired because of a teething or cholicy "little treasure" is one less hassle you can do without. If you can possibly avoid it you should try.

If you've read any of the threads in the Pregnancy forum about her situation with her mother in law, this is not from being over tired from having a baby. The woman has been torturing her since she moved in!!

Glad you're getting out wolfpawnat!! I'm so glad my mother in law isn't like that! I couldn't cope with it!! You've been a very patient woman!

Lollipops23

Wolfpawnet, delighted to hear you're getting shot of this woman!!!seriously, i read other posts about her behaviour, she's got issues. how dare she make you both so miserable at this special time. any mother would be over the moon to have a son studying medicine AND managing a little family. and she should be all over her first grandchild,not criticising how he's being raised!

Profiler

adrieanne__x wrote: »

If you've read any of the threads in the Pregnancy forum about her situation with her mother in law, this is not from being over tired from having a baby. The woman has been torturing her since she moved in!! !

Sorry if I didn't make myself clear, what I am saying is when she is overtired the last thing she needs in addition to everything else is a paternal Grandmother giving her grief or sniping from the sideline.

username123

Great to hear OP - delighted youre getting out to your own place. There is NO price on peace in your life, so feck the loans, they will get paid back when you can.
Good luck with it all!

wolfpawnat

Although I will not be able to afford any luxuries for a while, it is worth it! I actually got out the house for an hour with a friend and went to a funfair and went on a roller coaster and bumper cars and I laughed!!!! I actually smiled and laughed so much I nearly cried of relief! Thankfully my friends are patient and know I will give the money back as soon as I can! I am still so excited now. I have to ring the estate agent again tomorrow and organise what day to move!!!!! I am so so excited!!!!!:D:D:D:D:D

After a while if she behaves herself I will consider having her at the christening!!!!

merlie

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Although I will not be able to afford any luxuries for a while, it is worth it! I actually got out the house for an hour with a friend and went to a funfair and went on a roller coaster and bumper cars and I laughed!!!! I actually smiled and laughed so much I nearly cried of relief! Thankfully my friends are patient and know I will give the money back as soon as I can! I am still so excited now. I have to ring the estate agent again tomorrow and organise what day to move!!!!! I am so so excited!!!!!:D:D:D:D:D

After a while if she behaves herself I will consider having her at the christening!!!!

I am so delighted for you, that you are getting out from under her iron fist. Make sure you can organise your money better. Since you are not living with your partner, you may be able to claim one parent family allowance. You can apply for supplementary welfare payments and if there is no furniture in the house, the health board community welfare officer will also help you with this. Now is the time to get the benefits that you need and try start saving with the Credit Union, this over time will build up and you can take out a loan to pay back those who gave you money for this, at a very low competitive rate, you can save and pay back loan at same time,and this will benefit you in the long run.

There is lots of help out there for you. Things will now fall into place, just keep the ball rolling and you will get there.


Take care of yourself,

Love,
Merlie