Pregnant - not sure who father is

LegacyUser

Found out yesterday that I’m pregnant. Period was only due on Thursday (one day gone yesterday) so I’m only a few weeks along. It’s surprising news but not the end of the world. But, the father could be one of two men.

I’ll state from the start that I’m looking for advice or sharing personal experiences. I don’t need a moral scolding as I’m disgusted that I’m in this situation. There are considerable stories and history with each of these guys. I have behaved in a less than ideal manner, no doubt. But I’m trying to do right now.

The context:

G and I had unprotected sex on day four of my cycle (day four of five or six for my period).

M and I became physical around day nine of my period and regularly since then. We were using condoms and on most occasions he didn’t ejaculate (again--with a condom on) inside of me…we would usually finish orally. On day 10 the condom came out inside of me. He realised immediately so we stopped. He hadn’t ejaculated, though of course pre-ejaculate could have spilled. On days 23 and 24 of my cycle we did have unprotected sex, but again he didn’t ejaculate inside of me (twice continued on with oral, once he pulled out just before ejaculation).

I have a very regular 28 day cycle, so should have been ovulating around day 14. I met with my GP yesterday after taking a home test. Have been seeing her for years so she knows that my cycle is regular. She said the chances are “extremely slim” that G is the father, given the timing, and that I've "nothing to worry about" as obviously this was causing me more distress than being pregnant. I’ve done the maths myself and it would be very, very surprising if G were the father, even if I an extremely short menstrual cycle and long luteal cycle.

I know we don’t have crystal balls, but does anyone have experiences/advice to share? Thanks for reading.

Wibbs

I would agree with you it looks like M's the father. The problem with withdrawal as a birth control method is not so much the precum(as while sperm are present they're usually inactive), it's the active sperm still present in the urethra after the first ejaculation. If the man doesn't urinate and wash the area between the first ejaculation and the second in a "session", say last thing at night and first thing in the morning, you have active sperm in the precum second time around. It's why withdrawal is not a good bet as there are far too many variables and "perfect use" still leaves you open to pregnancy. So either when the condom rolled off(and he had come before) or when you had unprotected sex later in your cycle. It's possible G is the father as sperm can live under ideal conditions for up to 5 or 6 days IIRC, but that would be highly unlucky.

OK from a practical point of view, what next? Will M react well to this. OK he'll likely flip, but will he calm down in the fullness of time and be there as support? If indeed that's what you want. How likely will G put two and two together and get five and claim the child is his?

LegacyUser

Wibbs,

Thank you for your response. The timing does point to M, but I’ve just been hung up on the ejaculation (or lack thereof).

Next step is that M is coming over tomorrow and I’ll have to tell him. We have a strong relationship (again—the story goes a lot deeper than I relayed in my first post) and I know that it will come as a shock, but it’s not going to devastate either of us. We are both in our 30s with no kids…M has a house and we both have stable jobs. We have been talking about and planning for a future together. In all honesty if the cloud of G weren’t over my head I would see this as a blessing. It’s not ideal, but we got ourselves into this. Even if M surprises me and doesn’t step up, I am secure financially and know I could rely on family/friends for emotional support.

G is out of the picture. We have been casual friends (FB more like it) for two years now and enter and leave each other’s lives a few times a year. We share no common friends/activities so by simply not initiating or responding to contact that connection will dissolve.

Thank you again for your response. I’m not sure exactly what I’m hoping to gain here…to calm my mind I suppose. Even just writing it out is proving helpful.

Wibbs

Well on a practical note if G is truly out of the picture then you should be fine. Hopefully you've not been really unlucky and he's the father though. That would be my concern down the line. Obviously yours too. That happens and jesus the fallout for all concerned would be pretty devastating. That said, it is unlikely.

My only other concern would be why you needed G in the picture at all if you and M have such a strong relationship? This is not a moral call on my part, it's a practical one as far as your futures together go. Plus your story could have many variables that I'm not privy to. Even somthing as simple as that you were on a break from M and G showed up and scratched an itch and if so cool, just the timing and pregnancy threw a spanner in the works. I would just think on it I suppose. OK it's a huge generalisation beloved of the naive, but if you have a strong relationship then having a FB in the background, usually indicates that you're getting something from them that's missing from the primary relationship. Now it could just be nookie or even a bit of excitement, ego boost, or a last "fling", but I would look at that part carefully if it was me in your position. For your own sake more than anything.

It's good that you have the options of support even if M does a runner too, so that at least is somewhat of a weight off. Good luck anyway.

LegacyUser

No, that’s a fair point. M and I were together about 18 months ago for a brief while. We got on great but he wasn’t in the right position for a relationship (recently out of a long term relationship) and I was planning to travel for a few months. Since then we’ve become quite good friends-meeting regularly for meals or drinks but with nothing physical. He had brief girlfriends during that time, and I had brief boyfriends. Things only became physical in early/mid-April when we both came clean about having feelings for each other. The rest is history and I haven’t looked back since. We do have a strong friendship base, high level of familiarity with each other, shared experiences and life goals, and best of all fancy each other like mad. In short I regard him as one of the most upright and decent people that I know and I would be happy to have a future with him. I readily acknowledge that my behaviour led to a less than desirable situation, and perhaps I wasn’t honest with my own feelings towards M, but I have a clear head that I didn’t cheat on him.

G and I have been together sexually three maybe four times over the years—once the first year we knew each other and two or three times in the past year. It’s completely no-strings attached and again, very easy to dissolve.

So you don’t think it necessary to raise this possibility (albeit slight) with M now?

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

So you don’t think it necessary to raise this possibility (albeit slight) with M now?

There was a similar thread hereabouts where a guy had an affair with a married woman and thought he may be the father of her unborn child. In between some people tearing their hair out in righteous indignation, it was still a hard call for even measured posters.

For my part I would again look at this practically. There's a couple of immovable objects in this situation you can do little about at the moment. That you're pregnant being the biggy. That you can't know for sure until after the child is born and even then it may require DNA testing is another one. I personally would wait and see.

Now you could raise this with M, that you had this fling before you pair hooked up, but on top of the announcement of pregnancy that may be a little too much to take. I know if I was M I would immediately think the paternity is a grey area. If you do raise it down the line I personally would not tell M that this was more than a one time thing as you have no interest in going back there, so no need to raise issues in his head.

Motley Crue

From a medical point of view I would agree with your GP, you obviously took precautions, and these things happen...so I don't think you've anything to worry about in the sense that G might be the father. But good luck with the baby.

Lollipops23

Hi OP, seeing as your cycle is a normal 28 one it is highly unlikely that G is the dad, as you probably wouldn't ovulate do early after your period.as Wibbs said, do make sure G is out of the picture as it wouldn't be too nice to run into him in 8 months time....he'll do the math!

LegacyUser

Congratulations Op,

If it was me (& I had a near miss is a similar situation a while back) I would just put g out of your head completely. Its very unlikely to be him. Don't tell anyone about this and just get on with it.

thebullkf

hi all,
i really hope everything works out with (guest) keep the head up.
he who looks outside dreams-he who looks inside awakens,follow your heart and be thankful that you have a good support network. have a son myself in loving relationship.long may it continue..
don't think i can add anything that hasnt been mentioned already,just to
say how impressed i am with the level of mature measured responses.




The sweetest sounds to mortals given
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven.
~William Goldsmith Brown

Denerick

I hate our generation. These things happen too often.

thebiggestjim

Unregistered wrote: »

M and I became physical around day nine of my period and regularly since then. We were using condoms and on most occasions he didn’t ejaculate (again--with a condom on) inside of me…we would usually finish orally. On day 10 the condom came out inside of me. He realised immediately so we stopped. He hadn’t ejaculated, though of course pre-ejaculate could have spilled. On days 23 and 24 of my cycle we did have unprotected sex, but again he didn’t ejaculate inside of me (twice continued on with oral, once he pulled out just before ejaculation).

Hi I am a little confused here. So we believe and hope M is the father.
So you said you always used condoms

Unregistered wrote: »

We were using condoms

Usually didn't ejaculate inside you

Unregistered wrote: »

and on most occasions he didn’t ejaculate (again--with a condom on) inside of me…we would usually finish orally.

One time the condom came off, but you stopped. He haden't ejaculated

Unregistered wrote: »

On day 10 the condom came out inside of me. He realised immediately so we stopped. He hadn’t ejaculated

Twice you had unprotected sex but he didn't ejaculate inside you

Unregistered wrote: »

On days 23 and 24 of my cycle we did have unprotected sex, but again he didn’t ejaculate inside of me (twice continued on with oral, once he pulled out just before ejaculation).

To me it sounds like he rarely ejaculated inside you and if he did he had a condom on. If this is the case, how do you become pregnant from this man. Maybe im missing out on some other details.

All the best anyway

Wibbs

Denerick while I realise people may have different outlooks, please stay on topic and helpful to the OP. Thanks.

thebullkf

Wibbs wrote: »

Denerick while I realise people may have different outlooks, please stay on topic and helpful to the OP. Thanks.

agree

LegacyUser

I know this thread is a few days old but felt compelled to respond. I think you do need to tell M about the timing of your other relationship I know the likelihood is M is the father, and you can explain that to him and let him decide about any future DNA test etc, which he may not feel necessary once he knows the full story. But I would worry what his reaction would be if he ever heard about G from someone else down the line. He may wonder what you were hiding...

LegacyUser

I know this is an old thread, you possibly have told M about the pregnancy by now.. just want to say I have a medical background and if you normally have 28day cycle then M is the father by 99.99%.
I was raped years ago around day 20 of my cycle and my boyfriend and I had to discuss what we would do if I was pregnant..my gynae told me that it is days 9 to 16 that he would recommend abortion for rape victims.
I know of 2 women who did the exact same thing as you and they each of them told both the guys involved...the relationships broke up even though DNA proved that the likely father WAS the father.
If you are very very certain of your dates then I would think carefully. If you decide to tell all then do it now to limit the damage. If you say nothing be prepared to keep it to yourself for good, for the baby's sake.