Is it just me or is this wrong?

LegacyUser

Hey,
Iv had this question on my mind for a while and i just want to know is it just me?

Ok i like this girl that i hang around with and shes 15, im pretty sure she likes me back but the only problem is im 18..we get on great and i have a genuine connection with her, but it struck me morally that an 18 year old is way to old for a 15 year old!

The thing is though i dont look 18, i get asked for i.d if i want to buy a 15's dvd, also all my friends are 14-16...is there something wrong with me for feeling this and should i trust my instincts and just not say anything?

Iv only ever gone out with one other person and im still a virgin, and i wouldnt try anything sexual!

Thanks for your time

Victor

Yeah, thats a bit young. Its one thing to like her, another thing to do something about it. I'd wait another year or two or move on to someone else.

Miss Fluff

Very easy saying you wouldn't try anything sexual as you put it but if you like the girl and you end up going out then it may be quite hard to resist. Afaik the legal age of consent here is 17 so if you can, wait until then. The age difference is not huge per se but it is when the other party is under the age of consent (regardless of her being 15 and how willing and able she may hypothetically be). I'd be inclined to stay away OP.

LegacyUser

Hey its the OP here, and just to clarify, in my previous relationship i had many chances to have sex but always turned them down as they didnt feel like the right time, so i wouldnt say thats a problem...and neither of us drink so there couldnt be drunking mistakes

Minxie123

I don't really think a 3 year age gap is that much of an issue. If you are genuine about the girl and will treat her with respect then I say go for it. She could easily end up with a 16 year old creep but I think the fact that you're asking about it shows that you are thinking on a different level then a 16 year old trying to get into her pants.

Overheal

The age difference in and of itself isnt a problem. Just keep crystal clear at all times that if you do anything with this girl its Statutory Rape.

O'Coonassa

3 years age difference is no way morally wrong that's just crazy talk, but like Overheal says the law is against you "raping" her. That's because the law is pretty stupid in regard to sex between teenage people (as are any people telling you to stay away from her). Yous get on great and have a genuine connection so you should go for it IMO.

star-pants

Personally, at that age, the gaps too big. Maturity wise. She is only 15. You're 18, can get into pubs (if you want) etc. Could cause issues with hanging out or inviting her places.
Also, would her parents be very happy? (I know on one hand it's none of their business but on the other, it is very much when an 18 yr old is interested in their daughter).
My sister is 16 and if a 19 yr old guy was interested in her, I'd be having words first.

End of the day, it's down to you and her. My advice would be to wait a while, but that's just my opinion.

LegacyUser

star-pants wrote: »

Personally, at that age, the gaps too big. Maturity wise. She is only 15. You're 18, can get into pubs (if you want) etc. Could cause issues with hanging out or inviting her places.
Also, would her parents be very happy? (I know on one hand it's none of their business but on the other, it is very much when an 18 yr old is interested in their daughter).
My sister is 16 and if a 19 yr old guy was interested in her, I'd be having words first.

End of the day, it's down to you and her. My advice would be to wait a while, but that's just my opinion.

This is my thoughts exatcly

LegacyUser

Another thing to be aware of is, her personality may change as she gets older,
I know you are probably not thinking long term but even in a year from now things could be very different, for example if you are finished school she still has a bit to go etc.

cowzerp

15 year old girls have more cop on than most 18 year old lads, so mentally its not an issue to me, its the obvious legal issue you need to consider here, if you can genuinely stay away from sex then this is not an issue and by the time she is legal you's will be doing well to be still together, its up to you really.. if it was a mature 18 and immature 15 i'd look at it totally different.

AngryBadger

Personally at the age you're talking about I'd feel 15/18 is too much of a gap. Plus I presume you're gearing up to finish school? Maybe go to college? She's possibly not even done her junior cert yet? You're in different worlds mate, let it be.

Overheal

AngryBadger wrote: »

Personally at the age you're talking about I'd feel 15/18 is too much of a gap.

Quirky enough, when she turns 17 it will at that time fall into Half Your Age Plus Seven.

Plus I presume you're gearing up to finish school? Maybe go to college? She's possibly not even done her junior cert yet? You're in different worlds mate, let it be.

Now that is something to think about.

Queen-Mise

Do what you think best - as others have said sex is an absolute no-no until she is 17. This is more serious for you than another person her own age because of you being the few years older.

15 years olds can be weird, I have met some going on 5 and others going on 25.

Take it very slow. I hope she is 16 before you are 19, four years would sound awful :(

As I said do what you think best

Communicator

I have to say that I really admire you for even thinking this might be a problem.

As a mother to a son myself, I would be delighted if he thought enough about this issue to ask for advice first, before he decided to take it further. I'd be very proud of my son if he was you.

The answer? I'm not sure - I believe you when you say that you wouldn't have sex with her (at least you don't intend to). I dunno about her though - girls are sometimes far more advanced than boys...she might want it with you........

I know a few 15yr old girls and they can be VERY mature.......mind yourself!

prinz

Funnily enough I had an incident like this when I was 18, first year in University, getting a bus one weekend to Dublin, got chatting to the girl beside me, got talking about my course - she was doing a project about an aspect of my course, she told me she was in second year, and I was enamoured with her because she was a great looking girl. We chatted, got on great for two hours, until she had to get off. We swapped numbers and everything. Texted her a few days later and she replied that she'd call me after school. Well that was an interesting chat. Turns out she was in second year of school not uni and was 14, in my defence she looked a lot older, and was very mature, intelligent, and well able to talk. I knew straight away that nothing could happen.Ten years later and nobody would bat an eyelid at the age difference. Funny old world.

I'd advise going no further with her than friends for now. Give it some time. Especially get to know her family and parents.

Been there as the 15 y/o but was in uni - unless she's in 5th year or so, I wouldn't recommend it

time to move on

Dublin_Gunner

Overheal wrote: »

Quirky enough, when she turns 17 it will at that time fall into Half Your Age Plus Seven.



Now that is something to think about.

So would when she's 16

If you do like her, go for it, but its not going to last long, with you finishing school and making new friends, going out etc if you go to college.

Just be careful.

Even the whole sex thing - sure legally I think she should be 17, but how many 15 year olds these days are having sex??

I started seeing a 16 year old when I was 19, similar situation to yourself, met her working part-time when I was in college.

Had fun, lasted for a summer, but that was that.

If you like her, and are willing to respect her, then whats wrong with it? If you dont have a problem with the age gap - or her for that matter, I dont see why it should be an issue.

However, as Communicator pointed out - she could be a 15 year old minx dying to get you all to herself to have her wicked way, so have your guard up!

Dudess

Absolutely nothing wrong with feeling this way OP - many 15-year-old girls look and act extremely maturely. And biologically there isn't much of an age gap, but there's a huge age gap in other respects.

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey its the OP here, and just to clarify, in my previous relationship i had many chances to have sex but always turned them down as they didnt feel like the right time, so i wouldnt say thats a problem

This is absolutely no reason to believe nothing sexual could happen this time though. What makes you so confident it wouldn't feel like the right time with her? It could very well do so...

and neither of us drink so there couldnt be drunking mistakes

You don't drink as in... you intend to at some stage or you just don't drink full stop?

Minxie123 wrote: »

I don't really think a 3 year age gap is that much of an issue.

If you're talking about 19/22, I agree, but 15/18 may as well be 20/40. I'm serious - they are very far apart in terms of life stages.

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

Even the whole sex thing - sure legally I think she should be 17, but how many 15 year olds these days are having sex??

So? And I'd doubt as many as Skins etc would have us believe. While I don't think sex would "violate" her (she could very well want it) the illegality of it is no trivial matter. It could come back to bite him in the ass (unlikely, but still not worth the risk).

However, as Communicator pointed out - she could be a 15 year old minx dying to get you all to herself to have her wicked way, so have your guard up!

Really not necessary. Men aren't THAT incapable of controlling their penises...

Dudess

Dudess wrote: »

Really not necessary. Men aren't THAT incapable of controlling their penises...

I think it was her doing the controlling that he was warning about :pac:

Dudess

That's what I mean - "temptress... man can't control himself", as if the man doesn't share the responsibility.

But anyway OP, in my opinion you'd be better off not pursuing this.

LegacyUser

Hey its the OP again, well i dont intent on drinking at all dudess, alcoholism runs in my family(im pretty sure) and i dont want my life being controlled by a substance...and as for finishing school, i took time of as i was heavily depressed after my junior and now my life is back on track il be starting 5th year in september

Also i have been her friend for a few months now, theres no minx in there

BarnhallBull

As someone who was in a similar situation (17 and 15) a couple of years ago I say go for it. I fought the moral battle with myself for a long time before I finally bit the bullet and it's by far the best decision i've ever made. If you really like her and she likes you then that age gap shouldn't be an issue for you both...

<b>BUT</b>, understand a few things. As someone else mentioned, the legal agae of consent is 17 here, and while you can both be the most responsible people in the world, if you really fall for each other it can be impossible to control certain feelings/urges.

Also, prepare yourself for some unfriendly treatment from your friends and family, slagging etc., but much more so you need to understand that her parents most probably won't be too happy about the idea of their 15 year old daughter going out with, let's face it, a man. I found that my girlfriends father in particular was very hostile in the beginning, however we are past that now.

Seriously, if you really like her then my advice is to tell her how you feel, if you feel you can wait a year or so then maybe that wouldn't be the worst idea, the older we get the less these things seem to matter, but whatever you do just be considerate of her feelings and remember that however mature she may seem, she's still a lot younger than you...

Good luck

pajodublin

dont see the problem if im honest
I was 18 and my OH had just turned 16
together over 8 years now
Just thread carefully

conorlechance

lol ye sure, man i wish i was in that position so go for it. i mean if you get on well and both like each other why should society stop you? who decides what age even is? i was 16 doing my leaving cert man and was always at free gaffs with 19 and 20 year olds, and i didn't feel different in fact i felt more aware and intelligent.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Dudess wrote: »

Really not necessary. Men aren't THAT incapable of controlling their penises...

Are you for real? *18 year old guy here* I think he definitely needs to keep his guard up given the consequences.

OP, When I was 17 I decided against a relationship with a very hot 15 year old female for the age difference. Regretted it a lot in the following years. I had to make a decision because she made her interest known.

I made a mistake, 17/15 was fine. 18/15 just seems a bit wrong though. When will you be 19 and when will she be 16? 19/16 is getting there and 20/17 is fine

Cool things off, be her mate but don't be her shoulder to cry on. "Groom" her for want of a better word. There's nothing morally wrong here, just the law has to draw a line in the sand somewhere.

Dudess

Unregistered wrote: »

Also i have been her friend for a few months now, theres no minx in there

I didn't suggest there was one at all - that was others.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Are you for real? *18 year old guy here* I think he definitely needs to keep his guard up given the consequences.

I think you've misinterpreted me - I'm advising the OP to keep away because of the sexual aspect, but when someone suggested there's a danger she could be trying to have her wicked way with him, that implied there are "temptresses" with power over guys and the guys aren't responsible if they have sex with them at all... they were "lured" into it etc.

Powerhouse

O'Coonassa wrote: »

3 years age difference is no way morally wrong that's just crazy talk, but like Overheal says the law is against you "raping" her. That's because the law is pretty stupid in regard to sex between teenage people (as are any people telling you to stay away from her). Yous get on great and have a genuine connection so you should go for it IMO.

What's the alternative? Making it okay for a 19 year old to have sex with a 13 year old, but criminalising a 20 year for the same thing? Assuming you agree with the view that there should be an age of consent, and a line should be drawn somewhere, where do you think it should be drawn?

Minxie123

Powerhouse wrote: »

What's the alternative? Making it okay for a 19 year old to have sex with a 13 year old, but criminalising a 20 year for the same thing? Assuming you agree with the view that there should be an age of consent, and a line should be drawn somewhere, where do you think it should be drawn?

I think an alternative could be a 'close in age' exception to the age of consent. I think that's the way it works in Italy. There can't be more than a three year age gap between both parties.

msg11

Was in the same boat as yourself OP, 15 18, but I left it for a year now 16 19. We still talk which is good and both have an interest in each other still, give it one more year, see how we both feel and maybe do something. She is young, and might not want to be tied down, and I don't want to be crossing paths with laws. (needless to say, it is happening out there)

At leased I am not alone, as said thread with care, and do not go in with guns blazing !!

NorthernRock

Is 17/19 bad?
I've been seeing this girl on/off for a couple of months and she keeps slagging me about how i'm soooooooo much older than her!

Butterfly baby

OP you can't, I know she probably seems mature but still you can't. stay friends and if you really do care that much then one more year won't matter. Tell her you like her by all means because thats not illegal but don't go further than that yet just for both of your sanities and if she feels the same way then she won't be with some 16 year old sh*t head either. People say that young girls are more mature looking now a days but if thats the case then they should be more mature acting too and if she's mature acting then (assuming she feels the same) 1 year will be nothing to wait as long as you are both friends in between...hell all the best long term relationships I see my friends in started with people they were friends with for ages first

Bottle_of_Smoke

NorthernRock wrote: »

Is 17/19 bad?
I've been seeing this girl on/off for a couple of months and she keeps slagging me about how i'm soooooooo much older than her!

No, its fine, she's only teasing.

Powerhouse

Minxie123 wrote: »

I think an alternative could be a 'close in age' exception to the age of consent. I think that's the way it works in Italy. There can't be more than a three year age gap between both parties.

So a chap aged 16 years and 364 days having sex with a 13 year old is grand, but once he hits his 17th birthday he is commiting a crime? Or someone aged 17 years and 364 days having sex with a 14 year old is okay, but once he hits his 18th birthday he is commiting a crime?

That seems just as arbitrary an arrangement as the age of consent it is now.

muboop1

i havent read all the posts, so forgive me if this has been said already.

i done the two year gap when younger, firstly sexualy its fine now, but in future it may not be, if you are still with her in a year and fall in love etc... even then its still legaly rape.

you genuinely cannot predict the future and how you will feel then(again from experience)

another point to note is, you ge ton great and whatever...
but you are 18, that means you are prob hitting college in september?

well the drinking thing may not last to long into college, and if it does it will still be different.
college mates will go pub and night clubs etc even if your school mates arent.
regardless of if u drink or not you will go as its fun and you wont want to be left out.

now, that means you couldn't bring her as shes underage!
this could be a problem...

she may also be alot less mature then you, it may not seem that way now when things are great but they go pear shaped it always turns up (this might not be true but it was for me a 15 year old mature for her age is still way less mature then an 18yo IMO)

my instinct is to stay just dont bother, or avoid if possible!

RossFixxxed

The fact that you are asking means you know but you want people to say nahhhh it's fine.

It's not much of an age difference (3 years) but at her age it's just not right man. Find someone in your own year and move on.

nkay1985

OP, is it a true 3 year age gap? Is it more? Is it less?
As in, whose birthday is next. If she'll be sixteen for a while before you turn 19, it may not be so bad. But if you'll be 19 while she's still 15, it's worse than previously stated.

Those few months either way would very much sway my opinion.

LegacyUser

nkay1985 wrote: »

OP, is it a true 3 year age gap? Is it more? Is it less?
As in, whose birthday is next. If she'll be sixteen for a while before you turn 19, it may not be so bad. But if you'll be 19 while she's still 15, it's worse than previously stated.

Those few months either way would very much sway my opinion.

Hey OP here, i just turned 18 so id imagine her bday to come first

sugar_smile

Hi there,

I was in the same situation when I was younger-I was 15(I am now 23) & my bf was 18.

Firstly the 'sex' side, it is illegal and would be wrong to have sex before she is the proper age. If you are both serious enough and can come to a mature decision about not having sex untill she is old enough I think it could work.

Some people have noted that things may change when you go off to college-Just be prepared that she may not be able to go out with you and your friends drinking while she is still to young. But if you guys are truly mature enough and care enough for each other then you will be able to make it work. I am still with my bf till this day.

Although there is another side to it-at the time my bf got a lot of stick from people for going out with someone much younger. He even got abuse walking down the street in our hometown-not saying it will happen to you but just to be aware of it.

Hope it all works out for you OP

G86

It really depends on her maturity to be honest. My ex was 23 when I was 16, and it worked out for us, but that was because I was extremely mature for my age due to my background. My wee sister on the other hand is 15 and is quite naive in my opinion, so I'd have to think hard about how I felt if she wanted to date an 18 year old. ,

Age shouldn't matter, but the thing is that sometimes it does. Everyone's different and only you can decide whether its ok or not. As for the sex side of it well you're really going to have to tread carefully with that one and make sure you never make her feel pressurised or umcomfortable at any stage. Thats the main thing.

If you click and get on well then I guess there's no harm in it, she can't be too immature if she can relate to an 18 year old.

LegacyUser

Powerhouse wrote: »

So a chap aged 16 years and 364 days having sex with a 13 year old is grand, but once he hits his 17th birthday he is commiting a crime? Or someone aged 17 years and 364 days having sex with a 14 year old is okay, but once he hits his 18th birthday he is commiting a crime?

That seems just as arbitrary an arrangement as the age of consent it is now.

I know the way you put it, it sounds ridiculous but it's the law. It's the same was as saying that someone who is 17 and 364 days isn't legally allowed to drink alcohol. Or someone who is driving 51 kmph in a 50 zone could in reality get pulled over for speeding. Or a girl who has quite masculine features isn't legally allowed to eat a Yorkie.

It might not sound fair but it's the law!

coadyj

Powerhouse wrote: »

So a chap aged 16 years and 364 days having sex with a 13 year old is grand, but once he hits his 17th birthday he is commiting a crime? Or someone aged 17 years and 364 days having sex with a 14 year old is okay, but once he hits his 18th birthday he is commiting a crime?

That seems just as arbitrary an arrangement as the age of consent it is now.

No it's not, it's still rape because the girl was under 17, in cases where both parties are underage it's considered to e the mans fault.

To the op I would say leave it be, but if something does happen don't freak out about it, it's life

You could always move to Mexico

"she looked 12 to meee"

O'Coonassa

Powerhouse wrote: »

What's the alternative? Making it okay for a 19 year old to have sex with a 13 year old, but criminalising a 20 year for the same thing? Assuming you agree with the view that there should be an age of consent, and a line should be drawn somewhere, where do you think it should be drawn?

It seems that nature makes a very clear line in this regard. If a persons body is capable of full sexual function then that is the line. Now we are faced with a problem. Namely the gap that exists in the west between sexual maturity and mental maturity. In other parts of the world and throughout the animal kingdom this gap does not exist. The brain and the body mature at the same rate.

The only way to address this problem IMO is with proper education and by teaching kids about dignity, responsibility, self respect, and loving relationships. The lack of this type of frankness is why we have one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy in western Europe. In Holland where kids are educated properly on this matter they have one of the lowest. If the law in regard to the age of consent were to change it would clearly be neccessary some time beforehand to improve the way that our children are reared and schooled.

IMO the law should take account of the fact that the line can never be fixed but must be seen on a case by case basis because people grow and mature at different rates. I'd be disinclined to think that the average 19 or 20 year old lad would be doing anything but taking advantage of a 13 year old girl but that is not to say that it would be true in every single case.

However, the case at hand involves the ages of 15 and 18 a gap of just 3 years. It is wrong to make such a relationship taboo soley on the basis of some arbitrary line. It is widely known that generally speaking girls mental maturity in their teenage years exceeds that of boys. Clearly the OP has a deal of integrity and respect for the girl in question both from what he written and the fact that he was even posting here about the issue in the first place. I think it is very wrong for people to be telling him that he should not be with her. It strikes me a puritanical and reactionary.

LegacyUser

OP - I was in the same situation. I was 15 and he was 18. We took things very slow. THe sex did not happen for a couple of years but by then we knew everything about erachother and we were both comfortable with it. He never pressured me to have sex. When I was nearly 17 he asked if I wanted to and when I said we should wait he told me he would not ask again in case I was uncomfortable but I should just tell him when I was ready (this worked really well).

Anyway the age gap is not a big deal if you are both responsible and are happy to wait for sex. Spend the time getting to know one another properly.

I know people have said she will change as she grows up etc but so will you and we all constantly change. You can both change together if you are both responsible enough. I am now 28 and married to him so it can work it is just a little harder.

Good Luck

LegacyUser

Don't get too hung up on the age of consent thing- obviously i'm not condoning you break it, but the fact that it is different all over the world, even in societies very similar to ours such as Britain, shows how arbitrary in nature it is, and people are just too different for one exact age boundary to be right for all of them anyway. Again, I'm not saying that you should break it but just telling you that you shouldn't let its presence deter you from starting a non-sexual relationship with this girl, its not some scientific law that automatically renders you incompatible or something, there's no reason you two can't make it work just because you're on different sides of it.
The three things I would be wary of would be a) People in your life who will have kneejerk reactions to you going out with someone under the age of consent b) Possible people in her life (brothers, fathers) who will jump to dirty paedophile worst conclusions and might do something to you, and c)any upcoming changes in your life (college, work) that might make things difficult.

Best of luck whatever you do.