Deal Breakers

RoxyHart

Hi ladies, this is a question that's been playing on my mind the past couple of weeks so i said i would put it out there to hear some of your thoughts on it. As everyone knows...or well..should know, maintaining healthy boundaries are a must in a relationship, for your wellbeing and to teach others how to treat you . My question is what are your boundaries? What would the consequences be if a partner were to cross them...would you leave and not look back, give a warning, stay friends etc...?? Would you be willing to compromise your boundaries to enable the relationship to continue?

allabouteve

RoxyHart wrote: »

Hi ladies, this is a question that's been playing on my mind the past couple of weeks so i said i would put it out there to hear some of your thoughts on it. As everyone knows...or well..should know, maintaining healthy boundaries are a must in a relationship, for your wellbeing and to teach others how to treat you . My question is what are your boundaries? What would the consequences be if a partner were to cross them...would you leave and not look back, give a warning, stay friends etc...?? Would you be willing to compromise your boundaries to enable the relationship to continue?

Depends on what you mean by boundaries.

If it means someone doing stuff like going through my e-mails, or reading my texts, thats a major breach of privacy. I wouldn't tolerate it.

If you mean physical boundaries, if I say no to something and its not respected, then goodbye.

ciagr297

RoxyHart wrote: »

Hi ladies, this is a question that's been playing on my mind the past couple of weeks so i said i would put it out there to hear some of your thoughts on it. As everyone knows...or well..should know, maintaining healthy boundaries are a must in a relationship, for your wellbeing and to teach others how to treat you . My question is what are your boundaries? What would the consequences be if a partner were to cross them...would you leave and not look back, give a warning, stay friends etc...?? Would you be willing to compromise your boundaries to enable the relationship to continue?

its funny you should post this, its been in my mind for quite a bit now.

recently i've been put in a situation where i've begun questioning my own boundaries - and trying to understand what mine are will, i hope, teach me to recognise if i am invading someone elses

already i am seeing some gaps where i basically haven't decided on a boundary...dangerous....so i'm working at figuring out what the boundary should be in each case. its a slow process

as the saying goes, you have to know yourself before you can know others (or something to that effect)

generally i try to issue some warning first (i'm getting better at doing this!) and then if it keeps happening, a fairly honest conversation needs to happen. for me, the key is keeping calm cause where you feel cornered, you are likely to react instinctively to protect yourself

Mrs JackDaniels

men that wear scarfs, have a uni brow, are too serious and stuck up

shellyboo

Mrs JackDaniels wrote: »

men that wear scarfs

]

That's really a dealbreaker for you?! Good luck to you in winter in this country then!

For me, smoking is my only hard and fast dealbreaker. I'm pretty open-minded otherwise.

liah

Cheating and lying. About anything.

That's pretty much it, I'm fairly easy going, but those two are way too important.

Mrs JackDaniels

shellyboo wrote: »

]

That's really a dealbreaker for you?! Good luck to you in winter in this country then!

For me, smoking is my only hard and fast dealbreaker. I'm pretty open-minded otherwise.

I know silly but true

sam34

children.

i dont want children of my own,, and i have no interest in anyone else's children.

to be perfectly honest, i wouldnt go out with a man who had kids.

i know this may rule out a lot of potentially great guys, but imo, it's a risk i'm willing to take.

children are not going to figure in my life, end of story.

Polleta

Deal breakers for me:

Not wanting children

Wanting to live in the middle of city

smoking

Lack of respect for each other

Cheating

Wibbs

I would be similar to sam34, I really don't want kids. Not at the moment anyway and while I'll never say never, as things and me may change but I really can't see them in my life. Don't get me wrong I like kids and actually I generally get on very well with them, which throws some women("but why dont you want your own"? etc). I just feel it wouldnt be fair to someone with a child for me to be with them.

Cheating, emotional or physical. Actually the former would throw me more than the latter.

Dictatorial Irish mammies tm in training need not apply. If ya wanna order someone around join the army.

Big difference in sexual drive to me or women who use sex as a bargaining tool. The latter a major deal breaker. Sex is not a rare commodity so someone thinking it is and using that as leverage, really doesn't fly with me.

Someone who gets too comfortable in a relationship and lets it all hang out and stops making the effort. "I love you, warts and all" is a compliment not an excuse for you to actually live that.

Selfcenteredness and hypocrisy my two biggies. In fact I could reduce any list of dealbreakers to just those two as all of the above(with the notable exception of the children one) figure those in the mix.

Nevyn

There are things which I can comprimise on and some that I never will.
Tbh it's a slippery sloope once you shift your boundaries.

Ginny

Not wanting children.
Dishonesty in any aspect of the relationship, also not acknowledging withholding the truth is also being dishonest.
Meanness.
Gambling.
Being Selfcentered.

dreamlogic

Lying - especially about feelings - is my dealbreaker. If you love or care about someone it should reflect in your actions. It bothers me when someone says something like 'I love you' and then no sooner have they said it but they're doing something to completely contradict this! I don't know, better never to hear the words 'I love you', get flowers etc. but to have a loving relationship instead!

As for the kids thing, I don't really see kids in my future.. Don't see myself getting married either tbh. So if the guy starts going on about marriage/kids this kinda gets to me a bit! Not a dealbreaker though necessarily unless it becomes one for him, obviously.

Another thing is we have to be best friends, or close enough. A guy who has difficulty with being close friends, communicating, sharing some same interests, activities etc. is probably one I wouldn't want to be with for any length of time anyway.

Elle Victorine

A man who served in any army abroad etc. not because it's abroad just I would have no time for that kind of anguish..will he be killed, won't he be killed, being left alone for months and years on end.

A man with kids...a big no. I hate kids.

Cruelty to animals or a general dislike of dogs. There's something wrong with a man who hates dogs.

these are just general deal breakers.


As regards boundaries....well if it was physical and a guy gave me hassle I'd dump him for being such a dope. If it was a privacy issue and it was invaded well lets just say I've learned from a prior experience not to trust a man who questions the motives of a woman's privacy as something sordid and dishonest.

Salome

I'm surprised by the number of people on here who don't want kids - I thought I was one of a minority! It's not that I don't want any - I just can't imagine me having any tbh.

My dealbreaker is lack of respect and consideration for others. If my man showed little respect for people, it's quite possible that he would have little respect or consideration for me.

It's a bit of a cliché but beware of men who are rude to waiters/waitresses. That's the type I'm on about.

RoxyHart

RoxyHart wrote: »

My question is what are your boundaries? What would the consequences be if a partner were to cross them...would you leave and not look back, give a warning, stay friends etc...?? Would you be willing to compromise your boundaries to enable the relationship to continue?

If I was commited to a life partnership, I would do whatever I could to facilatate holding a relationship together from my side. But the gesture would have to be reciprocrated. And things like sexual or violent crime would be complete no way, no how right offs.

At any other stage, I would walk away....probably 6 months after I realised I should. But definitely and finally.

What are those boundaries, choosing to impact my life greatly and negatively through cowardice, cheating, intentional creulty, manipulative and controling behaviour, alcoholism and not being there for me when I need him.

I think staying friends with someone helps you keep them in perspective, so you move on and heal quicker. At least for me it does.
But then I've never really been treated badly by a boyfriend.

Snowie

If she puts the salad cream in the fridge........... gpod damm that get right up my noise ......
Any act of looking at my emails mobile phone or other personal things...
Manors if she rude or unfair etc restarunts etc.... bossy women, religion I know this may seem a sensitive subject but I don't want my kids being brain washed with stupid religions, I am not speaking for them its there choice....
Attitude.......

and lots of things that other dudes have said....

Elle Victorine

Salome wrote: »

I'm surprised by the number of people on here who don't want kids - I thought I was one of a minority! It's not that I don't want any - I just can't imagine me having any tbh.

My dealbreaker is lack of respect and consideration for others. If my man showed little respect for people, it's quite possible that he would have little respect or consideration for me.

It's a bit of a cliché but beware of men who are rude to waiters/waitresses. That's the type I'm on about.

No I completely agree with this. If I see people being ****ty to people in the service industry at all I get very uncomfortable. My mother was a maitre dee (lord the spelling mistakes) in some french restaurant for years and she said she dealt with her fair share of pigs and I think it is really a reflection of a person's character. A job is a bloody job like and it's not something to belittle or take advantage of.

As for the kid thing I just can;t imagine myself tollerating them or being a good mother ever.

Dinkie

Salome wrote: »

I'm surprised by the number of people on here who don't want kids - I thought I was one of a minority! It's not that I don't want any - I just can't imagine me having any tbh.

+1.... sums me up completely!!!! I'm scared i'd loose or break them....

Deal breakers for me are:

Cheating
Lack of intelligence (or stupidity)
No sense of humour
Guys that show a lack of respect
A guy that drinks every night of the week

I just to think height was important (tall enough to wear heels with)... but i've been converted

jellie

i used to have a few.. but then i fell in love. things that used to be dealbreakers were forgiven. its v easy to say "oh i wouldnt tolerate XXX" but when youre in the situation where you love someone & something happens you often dont see it in the same way.

in saying that, i shouldve just copped the f*ck on & stuck to my original ideas :rolleyes:

Malari

sar84 wrote: »

i used to have a few.. but then i fell in love. things that used to be dealbreakers were forgiven. its v easy to say "oh i wouldnt tolerate XXX" but when youre in the situation where you love someone & something happens you often dont see it in the same way.

in saying that, i shouldve just copped the f*ck on & stuck to my original ideas :rolleyes:

This is true, which is why I would never have been able to define the features I "wanted" in a boyfriend. I can only identify the features in him that I love.

Having said that I thinking that the following would almost definitely be deal-breakers:

Changing his mind and wanting kids
Suddenly "finding god"
Cheating

Wibbs

sar84 wrote: »

i used to have a few.. but then i fell in love. things that used to be dealbreakers were forgiven. its v easy to say "oh i wouldnt tolerate XXX" but when youre in the situation where you love someone & something happens you often dont see it in the same way.

in saying that, i shouldve just copped the f*ck on & stuck to my original ideas :rolleyes:

Over the years I've learned to train myself to disconnect even if I'm in love or getting that way. Disconnect enough to see the reality of what's what. It's easy(for me it was anyway) to get caught up with falling in love and not see the danger signs. Took some doing, but I see them now. Sometimes I feel its a pity I can't jump in with wild abandon, but experience, sometimes bitter experience has taught me not to. In some ways I envy those who can still do that.

ciagr297

Wibbs wrote: »

Over the years I've learned to train myself to disconnect even if I'm in love or getting that way. Disconnect enough to see the reality of what's what. It's easy(for me it was anyway) to get caught up with falling in love and not see the danger signs. Took some doing, but I see them now. Sometimes I feel its a pity I can't jump in with wild abandon, but experience, sometimes bitter experience has taught me not to. In some ways I envy those who can still do that.

any tips you have on disconnecting in this way are welcome (at least by me)...

Censorsh!t

First and foremost, cheating(emotional, physical, any kind), dishonesty.

A 'macho' man... it's something I really can't stand, I hate when people will do something, purely to look more masculine. I hate when they feel expressing how they feel isnt manly enough for them.

Someone who disrespects my beliefs.
But for some beliefs, they have to agree with me.

A 'lady's man'. I want a person all to myself. I'm too easily jealoused to deal with a womaniser.

Also, I would prefer someone to not want kids really badly...it's something i just don't really want, and I would hate to feel pressured into it just to please someone. I would consider adoption, and it would also be great if they werent against that.

Someone who's less inteeligent than me...I like them to be equal.

Like dreamlogic, being best friends with a partner is definitely a must for me. Being more than just a girlfriend to them is important.

As for boundaries, I try to stay at a safe enough distance, I don't like to gush out my feelings to someone, and definitely not if i don't know how they feel toward me. I don't like to let myself seem too fragile. Only when the other person lets me know how they feel, will I let my feelings out.

All that being said, my mind could sway...but more than likely not.

Wibbs

it's not easy I must say. You have to really look at the person. There are some "tricks" though. Look at how they treat women(or men in my case) they're not romantically interested in. See how they are with them. Are they dismissive, rude or generally nice and polite? Because that's how they'll treat you after the honeymoon love bit is over. Have the actual mates of the opposite sex? Look at how they react to problems that may arise. Are they in control of their emotions in general? that kinda thing.

hepcat

"A man with kids...a big no. I hate kids.

Cruelty to animals or a general dislike of dogs. There's something wrong with a man who hates dogs."

So there's something wrong with hating dogs but its ok to hate kids?

It is interesting the number of people who really don't want to have children. I would love to know your age profile, and I do not mean this in any negative or condescending way.

Dealbreakers for me are infidelity and dishonesty, also the inability to change...everyone can go wrong but if they refuse to change thats bad.

Malari

hepcat wrote: »

"A man with kids...a big no. I hate kids.

Cruelty to animals or a general dislike of dogs. There's something wrong with a man who hates dogs."

So there's something wrong with hating dogs but its ok to hate kids?

It is interesting the number of people who really don't want to have children. I would love to know your age profile, and I do not mean this in any negative or condescending way.

Ah, you mean the old "ah, you'll want kids when you get older" line :rolleyes:

I'm 31, I'm not changing my mind.

hepcat

Malari wrote: »

Ah, you mean the old "ah, you'll want kids when you get older" line :rolleyes:

I'm 31, I'm not changing my mind.

Well...sort of, as in does your biological clock and brooding hormones take over at say, 35-39? Or is that a myth?

I'm not against people not wanting kids, by the way. If anything, I admire their being independent and responsible, rather than just doing something because its always been done that way..

Lobelia Overhill

hepcat wrote: »

It is interesting the number of people who really don't want to have children. I would love to know your age profile, and I do not mean this in any negative or condescending way.

I'm in my mid 40s. Not only do I not like children (I especially loathe teenagers), I have medical problems [or the physical variety] and could potentially end up paralysed, or at the least severely crippled by any pregnancy/childbirth situation.

I wouldn't say "no" to a man who already has children, as long as he's not been tomcatting around and has no idea how many there are!

I do (and have) said "no" to men who are mad after having kids of their own - on the other hand I've been dumped because I don't want/can't have kids.

Height. I'm tall and will not date a man who is significantly shorter than me.

Facial hair. It's called pogonophobia, look it up!

Any man who hates cats. I don't mean someone who's frightened of or allergic to, but the sort of person who'd run over a cat on the road cos he hates them that much.

Smoking, heavy drinking, any form of drug [aside from prescribed obviously] - I've seen the effect these things can have on a relationship (smoking being bad for your health!)

Lying. Can't stand liars. Cheating is bad, but the lying about it is even worse.

I'm not particularly bothered about some one reading my emails, texts, etc ...

Lack of respect. Big big no-no. If I say "no" to something then you respect my decision and don't try wheedling to get your own way.

Soccer fans. I grew up in a house full of them and cannot tolerate that bloody attitude, bad mood for days cos team lost, hyper hysterical cos team won. I don't get like that over the sports I follow!

The remote control for the television is mine. Not yours. Mine. Got that?!

Aw feck it, I'll stick to being single, everything else is too much like hard work!! LOL

SeekUp

As I've always told my OH: don't cheat on me, don't hit me, and don't lie to me; everything else, we can try to work through. Any of the above equals immediate packing for him . . . foot is down on that.

(As a side note, his deal breaker is narcotics abuse!)

rainbow kirby

Kids are a dealbreaker for me too, I've no intention of ever having any. (I'm 24 btw)

Dishonesty and infidelity are dealbreakers too.

Religion, particularly when taken to extremes, can be a dealbreaker too. I don't think I could have a lasting relationship with someone who was very religious.

Pyr0

Lobelia Overhill wrote: »

The remote control for the television is mine. Not yours. Mine. Got that?!

Controlling the remote control, forget about it.

+1 with the relgious beliefs taken to extremes, it angers me to no end and do my best to distance myself from it.

Aisling(",)

Kids would definietly put me off a lad.
im almost 100% certain that i never want any

overly protective and clingy lads make me head for the hills.yes i have male friends just because im out with them dosent mean im going to cheat so get off your high horse.!

pikachucheeks

Like a lot of people,

Lying and being unfaithful are a big issue for me. - Why be in a relationship if you don't want to commit to that person?

As well as that, I couldn't be with someone who was rude, or someone who made no effort with my family or friends.

On a more unusual note, I also couldn't tolerate someone who used shorthand text and made no effort to be grammatically correct - It's just bad manners, I think!
Big pet peeve of mine!

sam34

hepcat wrote: »

It is interesting the number of people who really don't want to have children. I would love to know your age profile, and I do not mean this in any negative or condescending way.

i'm one of those women, am 29 years old and have known for years and years that i do not want children.

i'm the youngest in a large family and i have watched all my siblings have children. i've seen their lives change beyond recognition. thats not something i want for myself.

neither do i want the responsibility, hassle, pressure, stress and burden of children.

it's never-ending, imho..... no thanks!

and finally, i just hate kids :pac:

chocgirl

don't know if I want children yet but definitely wouldn't go for a guy who has kids already

Smoking would be a major dealbreaker for me too, would turn me right off!
Bad manners, rudeness, disrespect also.

GirlInterrupted

hepcat wrote: »

I'm not against people not wanting kids, by the way. If anything, I admire their being independent and responsible, rather than just doing something because its always been done that way..

I've no problem with someone choosing to be child-free, but I'm not one of those people, and it doesn't mean I want children just because its the 'done thing'.

Not wanting children is a deal-breaker. As is infidelity, insufferable possessiveness, isms (as in racism, sexism etc), and untrustworthiness.

A lack of affection, smoking, or emotional detachment would be hugely challenging to me too.

cson

Ireland is set for a major population decrease by the looks of things

Lobelia Overhill

Pyr0 wrote: »

Controlling the remote control, forget about it.

*beats Pyr0 back with a stick*

it's MINE!!!!







Or I could just find some fella who likes the same TV shows as me!!

MadgeBadge

Deal breaker 1- Putting me down to make themselves feel good

Deal breaker 2- A love of Nickleback

And all that other stuff too.

RxQueen

^^ nickleback suck ^_^

Hmm dealbreaker :

cheating (altho thats a given really)

Someone who just has to be the loudest person in the room , or has to put people are the butt of there joke just to get a few lulz( this stands for anyone in my life)

someone having a child wouldnt bother me tbh, just once they wouldnt expect me to have anything to do with it, im still at the point where kids scare the crap out of me

fits

Too stingy or too free and easy with their money. Been with very extreme examples of both and I couldnt be bothered again.
Dishonesty
not being able to match me in an argument. I need to be challenged.

Piste

My boundries are fairly loose and moveable, but some things I like to think I wouldn't back down on like drug abuse (use is fine, but if I was going out with someone who becamse drug addict I couldn't handle that and would definitely break up with them. I'd try to remain friends and help them through it but no way would I remain as their girlfriend)

Any guy who was really controlling would just do my head in and would be instantly gone.

Oh yes and smoking, that's just nasty.

Hmm can't think of many others, things like cheating are being hit wouldn't necessarily be dealbreakers for me, I'd give a second chance but if it happened again I suppose that would be the end.

Nightwish

Infidelity is one. I'd never ever continue a relationship with someone who has cheated. And in the future I'd never want to be pressured into having children. I really, really dont want them. Right now my bf is in agreement with me, so its all good!

LivingDeadGirl

+1 on smoking, bleugh

sam34

LivingDeadGirl wrote: »

+1 on smoking, bleugh

me too.

it's my top physical turn off in a man.

it's non-negotiable as far as i'm concerned.

Pyr0

Actually, smoking is one for me too. Every time I see an attractive girl lighting up it's an instant "No thanks".

Pyr0

Pyr0 wrote: »

Actually, smoking is one for me too. Every time I see an attractive girl lighting up it's an instant "No thanks".

That is how I feel when I hear people say the hate cats or admire FF.

MJOR

Hmmmmm it's got me thinking. I'd never want to change anybody but someone that is pig headed is a no no. Compromise is everything really. A deal breaker for me would be disrespect. Whether that be infidelity, emotional abuse or whatever.

Have a dislike for overly materialistic people too...

Malari

hepcat wrote: »

Well...sort of, as in does your biological clock and brooding hormones take over at say, 35-39? Or is that a myth?

I'm not against people not wanting kids, by the way. If anything, I admire their being independent and responsible, rather than just doing something because its always been done that way..

I can't say whether it's a myth or not, but I've never had the urge, and most women I know who do want kids seem to have made that decision long before the age of 35-39.

Maybe that's just the age-range where it starts getting urgent to have a baby before it's "too late".

I wouldn't risk the relationship I have anyway for an urge to have kids, if that happens to me in a few years. I would supress it!

jenizzle

Most of what's been said (lying, cheating, lack of respect, none of the same interests etc...) but a big one for me is a fella who can't hold down a job, or is on the dole cos they're too lazy to go working. That just really irks me! Of course, if they've just been laid off, and can't get another job but not for the lack of trying, that's a totally different story.