How do you stop being friends with somebody?

CrazyTalk

Hi everybody, this is going back a while for me. I’m in my second last year of college and it’s close to the end of this year. There is someone in my class who I have been ‘friends’ with since the first year of college. I say it like that because he was always more of a friend of a friend. He’s been in my class for about three years now, and through the main group I hang around with I’m around him a lot.

I’ve never been that fond of him, really. He has always been loud, rude, aggressive, and quite misogynistic. I’ve never been very good at confronting people over things, I suppose you could call me a pacifist. For example, this whole thing that Irish people have with constantly slagging each other off, even in jest, has never made any sense to me. I’d do it a bit, but the extent that some people, the person I’m talking about in particular especially, I will never understand and actually find quite shocking.

Today, when I was trying to get the last few projects for this year completed, he began to make fun of me, but far harsher and more antagonistic than usual. It felt more like secondary school than college, whereas we’re all supposed to be adults.

At this point it might seem I’m overreacting to you guys, but it had gotten so bad in that past that I almost didn’t want to come back to college this year, I was asking teachers if I could defer for a year, either that or I was going to do something else completely. I could fill books on the horrible things I’ve seen him do and say, to me and to others. The worst thing is, a friend of mine who I am much closer to just seems oblivious to this (even though he gets it fairly bad as well) and goes on with this whole ‘ah it’s just the way he is’ and ‘oh but he’s a mate’ and all that crap.

I’ve waited too long, at least a year too long. I’ve decided to cut this person out of my life once and for all. But we’ll have to be in the same class, and room, for next year, and I’m worried about more confrontations. How can you shut someone out? Do I stop taking calls, etc?

Any help or advice on this would be a great help.

wolfric

Ignoring problems hardly ever goes well. It creates resentment and causes huge problems down the line. The question is how much confidence do you have in going up to him and having a word with him. If its not try to find another friend or person that you know well enough to have words with on behalf of you.
I would start it something like this. (lets call him jack)

Hey jack how are things do you think i could talk with you at some stage in private? Look i know you have your own way of talking to people and hey thats your personality or whatnot but its incredibly difficult to deal with it. I know some people can deal with it just fine but honestly it just really disconcerting and offensive at times. I'm not attacking you now but i think you should hear this. I've felt like this for a while and i think you should really hear it from me as it really is hard for me to deal with. I need you to either ease up off that kind of thing a bit.


and so on... The important part is to come to him as honest and in a non agressive manner and not to make it out that people feel the same way and it may just be you (and you're asking him for a favour just for you). Make sure that he has the power or he may backfire from a sudden confidence hit and just make things very awkward for anyone who you both know.

bluecell99

Time to step up to the plate and tell him to twat off.He sounds like a jerk you can definitely do without - a silly juvenile tosspot.At least you have recognised it and the next step is to ignore it completely;cut contact ;close him off.You dont have to be a pacifist in this case.If your other friends cant see what he is like then thats their problem.You have made the decision and they can like it or lump it.

Far too much of this baloney around ,putting up with people who cant and wont grow up.

Lorrs33

I understand the whole avoiding confrontation thing, I'm the same. I'm in my second last year of college too and I do have people in my life that I don't necessarily enjoy being around, no matter how far they push me, I can never bring myself to say something. What I'll suggest to you is that maybe, once you're in your final year, he could push you so far that you'll just blow up at him. And that's not such a bad thing, he sounds like he needs to hear a few hometruths.

chrryblssm

Totally hear where you're coming from! I used to be good friends with someone,but over time i noticed that they were quite bullyish. It took me ages to stand up and do something about it. But it came 2 the point that for my own health and sanity i had to. I didn't have the confidence to be confrontational with them, so the way i handled it is that i "lightened" up a bit. Rather than getting upset or stressed out by that person, i took a deep breath whenever they came near me, gave curt yes or no answers, avoided being on my own with them, tried to make a joke out of anything they said that i disagreed with.Basically i tried 2 ignore them as much as possible... and it worked! Now we are still friendly, but there is a definite distance between us.

Declanp71

I say listen to Wolfric... very good advice, Don't ignore it as u said urself " we are supposed to be adults" so deal with it like one and don't ignore the person.. or just tell him f*** off in a serious way and storm out of the room, easy, fast and will confuse the hell out of him

LegacyUser

Cease contact - don't reply to texts or calls or if you do, leave them for a while before you do.

I have recently being seeing a lot less of one group of friends... they were more friends of a friend of mine and it;s only recently that I've realised that and the reason we never clicked was because we are completely different people. They're nice guys but they bore me ot tears.

I have recently found a whole new social outlet of people I get on really well with and have so much fun with who I can talk to about lots of stuff........

So, i just don't hang out with my old pals.... simple as. I'm off doing so many other things - I now see them once a month or so.

Life is too short to hang out with people you don't like.

nitrogen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-uWZ9MhzrM

This clip is funny, but I genuinely feel it offers honest advice.

O'Coonassa

CrazyTalk wrote: »

How can you shut someone out?

.

merlie

I know how you feel. I had a similar experience when I was at college. There seems to be always one idiot who thinks they are in primary school and makes hell for some people. The person who was in my class in college started out doing and saying small annoying things and over time it grew bigger and more out of control. The person bullied another classmate (which I got sick of and ultimately intervened) which actually stopped the bullying. If you are willing to stand up and not take this rubbish from the person in your class at college the intimidation will continue. Ignoring it wont make it go away. The person obviously has issues and needs to be dealt with by a teacher or someone on a board or someone in authority. Just by moving to another class or differing isn't the answer. It is only putting your life on hold for someone who quite frankly isn't worth it.

You need to become more vocal and let people know what is going on. If he has been making life miserable at college for others than this needs to be address. Talk to your friends when he is not around, you might discover they too are sick of him and would report him. Things like this need to be addressed before they get out of hand.

Speak to someone in the head office or a teacher asap about it and get this sorted.

G-Money

I'd be of a similar mentality in that I'd just avoid the confrontation. I think confronting someone over problems like this is making a lot of unnecessary work for yourself.

I mean if you don't like this person, why bother confronting them about it? It kind of seems that the confrontation is almost at attempt to get back at them for how they made you feel. If you don't like them and don't want to be around them, why bother trying to fix it? It's like renovating a house you don't want to buy or live in.

If it were me I'd just start backing away, delaying responses to calls, text's, emails etc. If they make plans, kind of stall and don't go. Eventually they will stop asking you.

If you won't be seeing this person again, it will make it much easier too.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I had similar situations in college but i used the time to confront the people there before i went out into the big bad world, I was growing out of people and i found it in my body to confront them, it was not easy but i really grew from it and i learned to never allow someone to invade my personal space again, when i let go of the negative people new lovely people showed up, sure other friends thought i was overreacting but it was the beginning of me having a mind of my own and i have to say in the long run you get respected for it, I really enjoyed my last year in college with the new people i found, they were much more supportive and i am still best friends with them now.


It is not easy but i have used this saying to help me over come confrontation...

I can withstand my discomfort for the sake of becoming my own person.........


It is really only fear that hold us back, stepping out from the crowd and listening to your true feelings will make you a better person, G'luck x

StormWarrior

Next time he does something that annoys you, blow up massively at him. I once did this. I had been friends with someone, we'll call him Dave, for years but he became more and more of a w***** as the years passed. It got to the stage where every time I saw him he did ridiculous things that made me so annoyed with him I started not being able to stand him any more. One day I was meeting up with some of our mutual friend and I asked them not to invite him but they did. During the course of the night he p***** me off so much that I totally lost my temper, stood up to him and started yelling in his face stuff like, "Oh god, you're so annoying I can't stand you! I knew you would ruin tonight, I told the others not to invite you!" and carried on in this vein for about 5 minutes. When I had finished, he burst into tears ran out of the room and we never spoke again.
Alternatively you could just stop responding to texts and calls.