Found out f/b has a gf...and I'm considering continuing the arrangement

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this for obvious reasons! Sorry if it's a bit of a long post.

I met this guy recently...instant sexual attraction. I for one am not looking for a boyfriend at all (came out of a bad relationship about 6 months ago and happily single) but we have an arrangement that kinda suits us both. We sleep together once or twice a week, text each other on and off - nothing set in stone and nothing exclusive. We don't go on dates, we don't have mutual friends who know us as a couple, it's just...sex pretty much.

From day one however I've had suspicions he was married. Nothing concrete, no 'tan line on the finger' or baby seats in the back of his car, but just little niggly things with him being overly secretive about stuff that most people would, in theory, be fairly open about. I am usually the first to denounce any girl who would knowingly go with someone who is already in a relationship/married, and have been pressing him on the subject.

He has finally reluctantly confessed to having a girlfriend. (We haven't seen or slept together since he admitted it). Yet, I find myself in my head almost excusing it. What we do is strictly business so to speak - I have no designs on any emotional attachment whatsoever and I'm fairly sure he doesn't either. I know the pc crew will wade in branding me a harlot which I am I suppose. I do stress I didn't know he was seeing anyone when we first slept together, and I haven't slept with him since.

Yet, I am still drawn to him. He doesn't promise me the world or say he'll leave her, he knows I don't want him to. I suppose my real question is, if it's just sex, is it really that bad? I think I can anticipate the answer, but there are far worse scenarios.

reprazant

Imagine you were his other half and imagine how you would feel if you found out.

That should be enough to tell you not to continue with this.

Shivers26

Yes - its that bad. He is cheating, end of. If he is not happy in his relationship then he should end it and be free to sleep with whoever he wants.

What if over time you start to get attached to him or find yourself feeling jealous when you know he is with 'her' - then what will you do?

Get out, because someone in this scenario is going to end up hurt.

Nervous Wreck

oh_no wrote: »

I suppose my real question is, if it's just sex, is it really that bad?

For the FB's OH, yes. It really is that bad and it could crush her entirely.I've been in your situation once before and I continued on having my fun and it felt grand at the time because I never met the girl's OH.... But thinking back on it, the only reason I did continue the 'affair' was because I'd never come face to face with the other dude. If I had, I'm pretty sure I woulda felt fairly horrible about it and stopped right away. I made excuses for my behaviour and well, that'll only get ye so far. Put a face on your stranger and imagine it's your own. Would you really wanna be ****ed around like that?

Katgurl

Just please don't. You're only looking at this from your own point of view.

Have you ever been cheated on? I know strictly speaking he's the one cheating but why would you facilitate hurting someone like that?

Also, you mentioned you are strangely drawn to him, what if this attachment strengthens.

Read some of the threads of people who have been cheated on / suspect their partner is cheating.

His girlfriend doesn't deserve it. And a w@nker like him certainly doesn't deserve to be rewarded for his despicable behaviour.

Find yourself another man where you can find a similar arrangement without breaking somebody else's heart.

LegacyUser

OP again. In answer to Katgurl's question, I have been cheated on myself (the reason my last relationship broke down). I blamed him - not the girl. It could have been anyone, it just happened to be her. The benefit of hindsight means I look at it as though I had a lucky escape.

Taltos

You gotta ask yourself where this is all headed?

Already from your post it is clear you are growing attached to him.
In the long run do you really see this ending well with your pride intact?
You will be lucky to come out with your self-esteem intact.

Now on the otherhand if it is purely sexual and you are both in no doubt that that is all it is - cool. But wonder how he will feel if you ever hook up with someone else?

You gotta look at what you are going to get out of this, other woman aside (poor kid). If it is just the release you need buy a vib...

prinz

oh_no wrote: »

.... I am usually the first to denounce any girl who would knowingly go with someone who is already in a relationship/married, and have been pressing him on the subject....
Yet, I am still drawn to him. He doesn't promise me the world or say he'll leave her, he knows I don't want him to. I suppose my real question is, if it's just sex, is it really that bad? I think I can anticipate the answer, but there are far worse scenarios.

Perhaps because you're too lazy to go out and find a single man? You get your jollies with no commitment or risk. He's cheating, and you're cheating if you go ahead with it. Denounce that. Don't try to justify it or rationalise it.

Vegeta

Probably been said already but if its just sex you're after there are lots of people who can fill that gap in your life (no pun intended)

If you are emotionally unconnected to this guy then you should have zero problem moving on to a different partner.

R.D. aka MR.D

This happened to a friend of mine and she was 'fine' with it at the time but the guilt is still eating at her 3 years later.

unless your some kind of emotionless machine you won't be able to make this ok in your head. as said above again, if your just looking for sex then there are plenty of people out there.

move on and don't be the person who has that on their conscience.

LegacyUser

Vegeta wrote: »

Probably been said already but if its just sex you're after there are lots of people who can fill that gap in your life (no pun intended)

If you are emotionally unconnected to this guy then you should have zero problem moving on to a different partner.

That's the thing though, it's difficult to find anyone who is just looking for a strictly no strings arrangement! I've had the odd fling here and there before my last relationship and the men have always looked at me like I'm a loon because I don't want to go to the pub with them or be their date to someone's wedding!

We're not affectionate much, we do have some things in common so we chit chat and stuff but nothing that I would ever want to take beyond a sexual arrangement.

Beruthiel

oh_no wrote: »

came out of a bad relationship about 6 months ago

You were emotionally upset over your last relationship, so much so, you are happy to be single.
How do you feel about helping to upset and make another woman miserable?

Nervous Wreck

oh_no wrote: »

OP again. In answer to Katgurl's question, I have been cheated on myself (the reason my last relationship broke down). I blamed him - not the girl. It could have been anyone, it just happened to be her. The benefit of hindsight means I look at it as though I had a lucky escape.

Eh, I think you've kinda missed Katgurl's point there... The point was that it feels horrible to be cheated on and, though you never blamed the girl involved, the fact is there WAS another girl involved and the situation itself hurt you. Why would you want to be an accessory (whether you get 'blamed' or not) to someone else's deceit and another woman's broken heart?

prinz

oh_no wrote: »

I suppose my real question is, if it's just sex, is it really that bad? I think I can anticipate the answer, but there are far worse scenarios.

I'd be interested in knowing what far worse scenarios there are?

The reason you don't want commitment or a relationship is because of what your ex did to you....... and now you want to do the same thing to somebody else. Lovely.

LegacyUser

oh_no wrote: »

That's the thing though, it's difficult to find anyone who is just looking for a strictly no strings arrangement! I've had the odd fling here and there before my last relationship and the men have always looked at me like I'm a loon because I don't want to go to the pub with them or be their date to someone's wedding!

We're not affectionate much, we do have some things in common so we chit chat and stuff but nothing that I would ever want to take beyond a sexual arrangement.

That's absolute rubbish to be honest. For a female it is very easy to get no strings sex on a regular basis - and with the same person. Put up an ad on gumtree or one of the 'sex dating' sites.

As others have said, if you're not emotionally attached then you should be able to walk away no problem. It's 'just sex' afterall!

baglady

You are being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. If you know the pain that cheating can cause why on earth would you inflict this on someone else. Plenty of people who will want casual sex, go find one of them and leave this man and his OH out of it!!!!

username123

oh_no wrote: »

That's the thing though, it's difficult to find anyone who is just looking for a strictly no strings arrangement! I've had the odd fling here and there before my last relationship and the men have always looked at me like I'm a loon because I don't want to go to the pub with them or be their date to someone's wedding!

We're not affectionate much, we do have some things in common so we chit chat and stuff but nothing that I would ever want to take beyond a sexual arrangement.

Rubbish - there are plenty of people out there willing to have a no strings arrangement - who dont already have a very large string of a partner attached to them.

If you continue it knowing that he is cheating, then you are an accessory to his cheating, enabling him to betray someone else.

Cheating is disgusting. The kind of long term premeditated cheating he is engaging in is the worst kind. You are disgusting if you continue knowing that he has a partner.

Lollipops23

stop trying to justify it when you know deep down that it has to stop. imagine that you carry on being his FB and he goes on to marry her and have kids....all the time she is unaware that he's cheating on her. you need to end it now. stop being selfish, no strings sex is readily available if that's all you're lookinh for!

LegacyUser

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I would view cheating as being emotionally involved with someone as well as sexually. Sex is just sex. Something physical. Sure the op's fb's oh might be upset if she found out, but we don't know anything about her. Maybe she refuses him sex? Too many people here are too quick to jump down the throats of others who have a lifestyle that raises questions about morality. Life's just not that black and white.

LegacyUser

If it was just sex, why did you make him tell you about the girlfriend when he obviously was initially trying to keep it quiet? In a purely FB relationship, his private life is his business. Weren't you really sussing out his availability?

Wagon

Messien wrote: »

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I would view cheating as being emotionally involved with someone as well as sexually. Sex is just sex.

That's an argument that pisses me off. Just because it's physical doesn't give it any less meaning. If a girlfriend cheated on me and told me that, I wouldn't waste much time mourning over her.

Go ahead OP, you may as well continue. Sure once you're happy it's all that matters doesn't it?

LegacyUser

Messien wrote: »

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I would view cheating as being emotionally involved with someone as well as sexually. Sex is just sex. Something physical. Sure the op's fb's oh might be upset if she found out, but we don't know anything about her. Maybe she refuses him sex? Too many people here are too quick to jump down the throats of others who have a lifestyle that raises questions about morality. Life's just not that black and white.

If it's just sex why continue it then? She can find sex anywhere!
No, life's not black and white but it is in this situation.
It would be different if they had feelings for each other. That's where the grey territory comes in and in that situation I wouldn't be as quick to say dump him.

Here we just have someone being greedy really. If she really wanted to she could find a replacement for him no bother.

ManOfMystery

Messien wrote: »

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I would view cheating as being emotionally involved with someone as well as sexually. Sex is just sex. Something physical. Sure the op's fb's oh might be upset if she found out, but we don't know anything about her. Maybe she refuses him sex? Too many people here are too quick to jump down the throats of others who have a lifestyle that raises questions about morality. Life's just not that black and white.

Life is black and white. Grey areas are usually only put there by those who will find that they accomodate their actions and words, no matter how wrong they may be. And once you start muddying the waters about what is right and wrong, people will push boundaries farther and farther. That's half the problem with society today and it's hugely evident in some of the problem threads on these boards where the OPs have done something wrong but try and play it down.

If, for example, his girlfriend is refusing him sex - they he needs to either sort it out with her via counselling etc, or move on. Cheating is not the answer.

LegacyUser

Don`t you deserve someone who just wants you? i`m sure your very cool but you are still human and you deserve and need more.

Wurly

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Cheating is not the answer.

+1. It NEVER EVER is!

My ex was sleeping with a girl behind my back. When I found out, I was devastated. It led me to question myself and it caused me a lot of damage. You are afraid it's gonna happen again, your ability to trust is skewed and in severe cases, you're so paranoid that you end up destroying future potentially good relationships.

If you can live with the fact that you could cause this girl to feel any of the things in the above paragraph, then shame on you.

Shame on him too. And I wonder how you could find a scumbag like him, who's willing to treat another human with such disgusting behaviour remotely attractive.

LegacyUser

I can only base my 'advice' on my own experience...and I agree with the above poster who says that life is not black and white. No situation ever is as much as people would like to preach other wise.

I was in a similar position to you, OP, a year or so ago.. only I ended up falling, and falling hard for the man in question. We started out as friends. I knew he was going out with someone, (they were together just a little while before we met) even became 'friends' with his OH, but after becoming very close friends with this man, too close for someone who was already attached, I foolishly made the decision to allow the friendship cross the line into a sexual one.

We continued like this for about a year, and while I felt guilty about hurting his G/f and felt disgusted with myself for becoming 'the other woman', I chose to follow my heart rather than my morals and my head (of which i'm sure people will say I had none) and I let my feelings develop until woke up one day and finally had to admit to myself that I had fallen in love with him.

I felt like one of the worst people in the world, but not solely because of the hurt we were causing his g/f but also because I expected better from myself as an intelligent, independent woman. I deserved better than being 'the bit on the side' and his dirty little secret. And I deserved better than feeling like a second class citizen whenever his g/f and I were in the same room. And I'm sure people will argue that I deserved to feel like that... but unfortunatly when you fall in love with someone, despite the situation, logic tends to be superceeded by how much you long for and want that person. It can be the most difficult thing in the world to let your head take over.

I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. I allowed myself, willingly, to become his 'affair', his confidant, his 'best friend with benefits'. Some friends who knew what i was going through finally helped me see sense and I finally ended it. I sat him down and told him how I felt.. one of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do in my life. I told him I didn't want anything from him and that I didn't want him to 'make a decision' in a vain attempt to protect myself from compete rejection and humiliation.. (I knew he was not going to leave his G/F)...

He got away with his affair, I covered up his tracks, I was overly nice to his g/f and made sure she felt at ease around me. In other words, I was false and two faced... traits no one who knows me would ever use to describe me. I let him use me, i turned into a shadow of my former confident, outgoing and happy self and I helped him keep it a secret and to this day over a year and a half later, I still feel the consequences of it all.

He is now engaged to the G/F, his fiance, and she knows nothing about his past behaviour. He is her ideal man, the man of her dreams, and I have to watch it all knowing such a different side to him.

I'm still unable to let him go in many ways... he's still a very close friend of mine... which not a lot of people will ever understand nor do I expect them to from such an overview of the situation (things arent black and white... there is a lot of grey). He says he's changed and I hope he has for his and her sake. But I will make peace with and take responsibility for how I let myself fall into that situation. I have paid for it with a broken heart, and emotional consequences that I hope to god time will fix.

I just consider myself lucky that I'm not the one with the ring on my finger, entering into a marriage with so much betrayal in the past. People might say I should make ammends by telling her about the affair, but self preservation and protection is my priority, as selfish as that seems. I lost respect for myself and Im going to get it back.

Thats a long post I know, but what I hope the OP takes from it is this: you are a grown adult and will make what ever decision you see fit. But if you decide to continue with a sexual relationship with this man I really hope you are strong enough emotionally and mentally to accept the eventual consequences of what you're doing. Guilt is a powerful thing, and I honestly believe it will leave a mark somewhere, whether you're aware of it now or not.

The only one to suffer here is going to be you... He is getting the best of both worlds, why would he ever stop it. Guilt is obviously not a factor for him right now... for some men it never is. Some men have an incredible ability to compartmentalise relationships and feelings so that they almost live 2 different lives. Maybe you are strong enough to never let it develop into anything emotional, but it will affect you. I really believe that... Move on from him before you get in too deep.

Apologies for the lengthy post! (I think that was a bit theraputic for me to be honest!)

LegacyUser

OP, whatever about the fact that he has someone else; thats his life, lets talk about yours.

Twice a week with a man you have no feelings for? Thats investing alot of time with this man. Becoming a habit, you could say, something you could come to rely on?

Bad relationships wreck self-esteem. After a bad relationship, I'm sure having this man as a lover must be a real ego boost. I'm sure you needed that very badly and that now you are starting to heal.

I suspect that although this arrangement has been a very important part of your healing, if you continue, it will slow your healing process down.

I'm a veteran of a bad relationship, several lovers, infidelity and all that.

Its very difficult (especially for women) to go on sleeping with someone (especially as regularly as you're talking about) without developing feelings. But not impossible of course. You can also develope a sort of dependence on someone, even someone you don't really want. And there is nothing as irritating as getting deeply involved with someone you don't really want.

Maybe you are playing with this guy because you are too scared to face a real intimate relationship at the moment?

Leaving morality out of it, if you aren't yet ready to let this man go, then follow the respectful lovers rule: don't see him more than once a month. That way you still have space to get on with sorting out your own head and life.

Unless you are falling for him, nothing is impossible. People leave their partners for others every day of the week. But if thats what you want then make your intent clear and then stop sleeping with him. Its a faster way to get results, trust me.

Wibbs

I agree with ManOfMystery in this case. It is pretty much black and white, though to me what's black and white is that the OP has already made up her mind and now is looking for tacit justification before going ahead. The crotch is engaged and the head is brought along for the ride(so to speak). Usually that happens after the fact in most cases, but I still think that's whats going on.

Your head is telling you, "Oh no I couldn't do that" on the one hand and your crotch is going "well sure it's only just sex, nobody will get hurt after all I have this connection with the guy and that's what counts". Translation? "I'm thinking of me". It's self centered behaviour.

Hey I could be wrong, but given I was "the guy" in this situation more than once only they were the ones with the partners and every single time they justified sleeping with me to themselves(in sometimes quite amazingly elaborate ways too). Well that's how they put it but it amounted to the same thing. It was all about them.

So I'm not pulling a moral thing on you. I could hardly do so considering some aspects of my past, but at least I can say hand on heart I never justified myself or didn't know I was taking the píss. I was being honest in that it was all about my needs. I am warning you of how this will go. Someone will get hurt. Rarely him, but defo his GF and she will find out, or you. You could get hurt. Black and white morals are there to warn us when grey areas appear to come up. I would go along with them.

I have found if there's a situation where you have to justify yourself, that's your internal center giving you the hint that all will not be well. Major hint in this case.

My 2 cents anyway.

SunInDublin

Agree with Wibbs, again!

the way i see it, no girl can say they are "only" doing it for sex, there is always some kind of feelings, even little ones that you are not aware of maybe...men and woman we think differently obviously, clear man have the ability to have sex without feelings we know that, ok maybe not ALL of them but majority, us woman we need something else, cant really put my finger on it but as i can see you said you were instantly attracted to him and you managed to ask him personal questions so obviously you had some kind of an interest otherwise why would you even ask!

You will get attached its pretty clear but you seem in deny; like previously said, in those situation its guarranty someone will get hurt, he wont cos he has his gf, she wont if she doesnt found out so that leaves you unfortunatly cos hes not gonna wake up one day thinking he wants to be with you.

Deal with healing your past history, seems more important to me right now for you than having sex with someone who doesnt care about you and had a gf !!

best luck

Salome

I was the "other woman" in a purely physical arrangement once - I fell for the bloke though. I couldn't hack not being with him when I wanted to see him and I ended it after 10 months - I was devastated.

My advice - don't go there. I know you seem happy with the no-strings arrangements for now but what happens if/when his/your feelings change - life will be very complicated and one or both or three of you will get hurt.

Enemy Of Fate

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Life is black and white. Grey areas are usually only put there by those who will find that they accomodate their actions and words, no matter how wrong they may be. And once you start muddying the waters about what is right and wrong, people will push boundaries farther and farther. That's half the problem with society today and it's hugely evident in some of the problem threads on these boards where the OPs have done something wrong but try and play it down.

I think this is actually the best post I have ever seen on boards.Agree whole-heartedly MoM, grey areas only exist in the minds of those who are unwilling/too weak to deal with the fact that life is black and white.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similiar situation myself. I have always been anti-cheating, believed that women should stick together and run a mile from married men! But for the past year i have been having sex with a guy, who altho is not married-he has a long term girlfriend.

As other posts said,it's not all black and white. When we met, i was casually dating a friend of his. We got on well and there was a strong attraction. He told me about his relationship. How he and his girlfriend don't have sex anymore due to her disability. His friends and family praised him for sticking by her over the years even though he's not happy, but he is doing it for the sake of their daughter.

So one drunken night it happened-we had sex. and we've been having sex since. It suited me as i enjoyed being single and could still date other guys. But i told him that things would end the minute i was dating someone more than casually-i have never cheated on a boyfriend. We meet up once or twice a week at most, text each other but thats where it ends. It's just sex.

The thing about it now is that i never thought it would go on this long, a year later and i've started to have stronger feelings for him. We talk and get on so well, the sex is great and he really is a nice,sweet man. I've tried to end it recently and we decided to be just friends. That lasted 2 weeks and we were back in bed!

He has said to me the only thing stopping him leaving is his child,that things could be different. They sleep in seperate bedrooms and he even asked his partner to try counselling. But he says he doesnt fancy his gf-that she feels like just a friend and would feel like he was cheating on ME if they were to start having sex again. And i know i would finish it if they were to start having sex again, i wouldn't be able to handle it.

I suppose i have been justifying this relationship with their lack of sexlife. But i know,deep down i'm wrong, that the gf would probably be devastated if she found out about it. And as much as i'd like to think he will leave her, he probably never will.

So my advice...for what it's worth is to get out now, don't let it turn into a year later. And maybe i'll take my own advice too

LegacyUser

To the unregistered last post...in my opinion whatever reason he tells you, his gf is disabbled or staying for the kid..etc..its all excuses NOT to be with you and keep the sex! im sorry but what he says is what you wanna hear, that he doesnt have sex with her etc..

same thing happened to a friend of mine and she found out, heartbroken and too late that is was all a made believe when he ended up saying he couldnr "betray" his gf anymore, that his conscience was getting to him....lies, he only left for another, newer, f* budddy!

my friend stayed on my couch for weeks crying and talkng bout all the details so i heard it all.. be strong and end it, kids or no kids if he loved you he would leave her, unfortunately men do that everyday when they truly love someone.

I know for a fact, my dad was cheating on my mom few times, always gave the excuse of my brother and i not to fully commit and stay with us, cos he didnt want to leave us, til he found ONE that he left us for. hes now married to her 18 years!

good luck but dont wait around cos one thing for sure, on day his kid will turn 18 and he will still find another excuse not to leave and then where will that leaves you...older having wasted all your years for him.

think bout it and get out now and found someone who will be available and will want to be with you , only!

G-Money

OP I suspect in your head you have already decided pretty much that you want to keep going with this and you are probably just hoping some/enough people will reply to backup your "decision".

At the start, you didn't know and that is fair enough. But now that you do know he's not single I think you are as guilty as he is if you start it up again.

As someone else said, put yourself in the shoes of his OH. Would you really be ok with him having sex with someone else if it was "just sex"? I'm guessing not.

It's ridiculously easy for women to get sex so trying to justify it by saying it's difficult doesn't really hold any water.

the_syco

oh_no wrote: »

That's the thing though, it's difficult to find anyone who is just looking for a strictly no strings arrangement!

Ever think of joining a swingers website?

SarahSassy

OP I dont think you are cheating but you are allowing him to cheat. Personally, I would not feel guilty as its his choice but I would (I suspect) feel cheap and used.

He has no feelings for you, you are a commodity to him and a bit of a thrill on the side but thats all. He is using you for your body and has no interest in getting to know you. Are you happy to be used like that???? I would find it hard to beleive anyone would be.

Chocoholic84

oh_no wrote: »

From day one however I've had suspicions he was married. I am usually the first to denounce any girl who would knowingly go with someone who is already in a relationship/married, and have been pressing him on the subject.

He has finally reluctantly confessed to having a girlfriend. (We haven't seen or slept together since he admitted it). Yet, I find myself in my head almost excusing it. What we do is strictly business so to speak - I have no designs on any emotional attachment whatsoever and I'm fairly sure he doesn't either. I know the pc crew will wade in branding me a harlot which I am I suppose.

Yet, I am still drawn to him. He doesn't promise me the world or say he'll leave her, he knows I don't want him to. I suppose my real question is, if it's just sex, is it really that bad?

Are you a harlot? Yes. And you seem to know that.

"What we do is strictly business" - which makes you sound like a prostitute. Which maybe wouldn't be as bad!

Now, you must know what you're doing is wrong. He couldn't give a flying f*ck about you OR his g/f - he's really having his cake and eating it! You may not care now, when all you want is sex and have no "feelings" for him as such. But trust me, that will change in time.

Get out ffs.

shellyboo

the_syco wrote: »

Ever think of joining a swingers website?

She's neither married nor in an LTR, so what would she be doing on a swingers website? Swinging is something that couples do.

OP, sleeping with someone who has a partner is the very opposite of NSA sex. Not only is there strings attached, there's a great big fat rope attached, and if you're not careful you'll end up hanging yourself with it.

Get out before you destroy that woman's relationship. It's not just him who'll get in trouble, she could come gunning for you as well when - that's when, not if - she finds out. Aside from the blatant ethical issues, it's really not worth the hassle for you.

Go out and find yourself a single fcukbuddy. It's really not that difficult, at all. The internet is your friend. There's plenty of casual sex websites out there.

LegacyUser

Hi, the problems I have with f-buddies is not so much a moral ones but a practical,

You have to imagine the following things,

If you were to fall pregnant, (apologies if this is 100% not a possibility) what would happen, would you be raising a child alone, having an abortion, or would he leave his girlfriend for you either right away or a few years down the line or would your child be kept a secret from his family and any other children he'd have?
I know that seems extreme to consider but it would be the first thing on my mind.

Maybe his girlfriend cheats on him, and what if she contracted an std which was then passed on to you?

How would you be feeling if you did not see or hear from him for a few weeks?
Resentful, Jealous, Neglected, Insulted, Used, Lonely?
Or would you care?


If you couldn't see him for awhile (illness, family troubles, holidays, work commitments) and then you found out he'd moved on to someone else during this time, how would that feel?

What if in a few months he told you he had feelings for you and wanted a relationship with you? Would you give it a go, give him up, or just keep having sex with him, avoiding his feelings?

His relationship is probably doomed with or without your involvement but please consider the above.

Miss Fluff

oh_no wrote: »

That's the thing though, it's difficult to find anyone who is just looking for a strictly no strings arrangement! I've had the odd fling here and there before my last relationship and the men have always looked at me like I'm a loon because I don't want to go to the pub with them or be their date to someone's wedding!

We're not affectionate much, we do have some things in common so we chit chat and stuff but nothing that I would ever want to take beyond a sexual arrangement.

Get out then. Men looking for no strings sex are ten-a-penny I should imagine and VERY easy to come by.

You're not cheating, you are facilitating his cheating though. Very easy to be the other woman and justify what's happening by telling yourself "I'm single", "I'm not the one cheating etc"....it will eat you up.

You need to take a good look at what you want. If it is just sex then you can find a willing and able f*ck buddy in no short order. Very easy to get caught up in the "sex haze" (thanks SATC) and think you have a connection when all you are looking for is a good honest to goodness shag. If you are being honest in your posts then you will find that elsewhere.

If it is a relationship you are looking for then why waste your time on someone who is already with someone? Will they be there when for you when you are unwell? Or need a cuddle after a bad day in work?

Really look inside yourself first and ask what you want. I suspect either way this isn't the guy for you. The fact you're posting would suggest it is causing you concern girl so do the decent thing (for yourself!!) and just cut ties.

LegacyUser

I'm not going to tell you what to do. There are so many people appealing to your conscience about what's better for the greater good etc

Thats all fine and dandy but, what I'd say to you is................

Do what you have to do and if it makes you feel good to be with this guy, then do it. But, and there is a but....... be prepared to live with the consequences. And take responsiblity for them. I'm not going to get into rant. But..... do what you have to do, but you have to live with it.

If you can live with yourself and jusfiy your actions, well then do it, cos quite frankly nothing is going to stop you. BUT, lets face it, he was going to cheat, and you happened to come along. There is nothing so special about you that made him do it. It was always going to happen and you happened to be there. Live with than irelevance.