Lost, with no place in the world.

LegacyUser

I'm suffering from depression. I am 40. I realise I have been suffering from it for years, and relentless problems I blamed on bad luck and other people, I now see as directly related to this creeping depression that I never recognised or admitted.

I have been unsuccessful in my jobs. I have been miserably unsuccessful in relationships. I have had opportunities in my life, that I wasted because I simply did not know how to cope, and lacked the confidence to know my own will and ability.

I grew up sheltered. I had no knowledge of the world or how it worked or how to make friends and interact with people. For years, I was an empty shell. I thought I was a happy, open, honest person. But there was an emptiness there, that was never filled, and has now filled itself with depressive thoughts, that grow deeper as time passes.

This has all come to a head in just the last year. I have suddenly recognised the depression for what it was. It has ruined my life to date. I am presently without a job, without an income, heavily in debt, without a relationship, even without friends, bar no more than five acquaintances I might meet occasionally. It takes a huge effort to put on a happy face and not alienate them too, like I alienate most people with a depression I can barely conceal.

I have been attending a counsellor since Christmas. It is a good opportunity to empty everything out onto the table and examine it. But I cannot help the fact that the depression is deepening. You see it is unfortunate that all these realisations occur just when the country is suffering a crisis, and six months of rejections from every job I have applied for does little to make things seem brighter.

However it is deeper than even that. The reality is, I dread ever returning to work full time. I am losing faith in humanity. Apart from a few very good, decent souls I know, it seems that the majority of people I encounter in life live empty, consumptive, materialistic, ignorant lives. I simply don't like most people I encounter. I can make small talk, I can smile and be nice, but inside, I have absolutely nothing in common with them, and very seldom meet anyone I remotely connect with.

In the working environment, you are thrust together with people you don't like and cannot relate to. In my view of the world, life is too preciously short to spend even ten minutes working in an environment that does not give you fulfilment. And I cannot, after years of searching, find that career environment that will give me the contentment and fulfilment I crave. It has nothing to do with money.

I fear I am becoming reclusive. My life is empty. The thing is, I can see a world of opportunity out there. But I can't help seeing all the other people around me as a barrier to that world. I cannot relate to them. I cannot be comfortable with them. I have nothing to talk about with them. I share none of their interests, and they share none of mine. And I become angry and disillusioned with what I perceive to be a world of greed and corruption and petty thinking, and a lack of the human spirit that is really the whole point of being alive at all.

I need a life. I need a purpose. I need a sense of self respect. I need confidence. But I cannot find it in 'playing the game' that is life in this modern, materialistic world.

I feel lost. Left behind. And the depression is getting deeper.

Senna

You genuinely see people as a barrier stopping you from having a meaningful life and job, but the way i see it, you are the barrier thats blocking human contact. If you stepped back and changed your view completly, you might realise that other people benefit your life if you give them a chance and can even make a job bearable. I know i've worked in places that if it was not for the people i worked with i would have left the job.

You really need to make that effort to get to know and be in the company of other people, because everyone needs other people to benefit their life's.
They may have other interest and no one will like all the things you like, but thats completely normal, the only thing in common you need to have with another person is an openness to try and get to know them, you may be surprised how a first impressions of someone can be very wrong once you find out more about them.

Advice like, be yourself, join a club, meet new people etc is banded about PI alot, but i think in your case your depression will only deepen unless you have some social interaction, and you must make the effort to make that happen, if you put up a barrier to people, then they wont make any effort to be friend you and that will lead to your view that people are all "....empty, consumptive, materialistic, ignorant..."

dreamlogic

Reading your post I have to admit I find myself relating to bits and pieces of your observations at least to some extent. And I would say that the feelings you describe are fairly common and widespread - even moreso now given the current recession which you mention as a contributing factor to how things seem hopeless for you right now. To start with it can help to at least recognize that you are not alone with how you are feeling.
I also became unemployed recently, and so have had time to think about jobs, career, vocation, the alternative choices that were there but I didn't make for whatever reason, that 'what if..' mode of thinking... but then who doesn't have doubts now and then about directions they've taken in their past? I would say there's very few people who can honestly look back at the age of 30, or 40 and not see some mistakes or things that they might've done differently...

What's important is to not let yourself get weighed down by these thoughts or allow it to turn into useless regret.
Also remember that no matter how bad you're feeling at a particular point in time it is just a phase that you are going through, a bad day, a bad week, a bad month. Whichever it is, it is something temporary that one day - sooner than you think - you will look back on as a necessary stage of adjustment or learning curve towards the next phase in your life.

In the meantime I'd suggest that you simply acknowledge the feelings of disillusionment that you are currently experiencing and interpret this as the beginning of something rather than the end of something... You are currently unemployed and (by your own admission) unemployable - For now. So aim to use this time to concentrate on learning something new or towards developing your talents/interests rather than allowing things to stagnate. This will help to grow your confidence. Set small achievable daily(or hourly) goals for yourself. Instead of focusing on the bigger picture which currently you're tending to see as a negative picture, focus more on details and try to notice and become aware that you do have choices if you pay attention to living in the present moment. And that is all any of us have anyway - the present moment. And I'm not minimizing your depressed state here, I hope it doesn't sound that way; only trying to present an optimistic/positive perspective for you to be open to if you're willing to look at an alternative way of seeing.

I should point out that I'm no expert in this area of overcoming depression or anything, so please take anything that I say here with a pinch of salt! But for what it's worth, I am quite sceptical myself about the practical benefit of unearthing and analysing stuff that happened in the past. Yes, gaining some understanding of our background, our past choices etc can help us in noticing how we arrived to where we are at in the present and give some meaning or context to what might otherwise seem quite meaningless. So to the extent that this equips us with knowing ourselves and improving decision-making etc for the future, exploring the past can be useful. But there can be a fine line and it is easy to get stuck in a pattern of circular thinking, attributing almost everything that happens in the present to the **** that happened before, and even further back to when younger etc. And the more you feed a negative thought, the more life you give to it and the bigger it grows - a kind of snowball effect! So you need to find a way of recognizing and breaking this pattern of thought...
As for attending counselling/therapy, I've no opinion as to whether it's good or bad per se. It depends on how it is working out for you..
You mention that it's only been a few months so maybe you just need to be patient and give it a bit more time...
If you want to talk further about anything you can feel free to PM me. Know that people are there to empathize if you are willing to reach out.. I wish you the best anyway and take care.

LegacyUser

the first time i saw head doctor was when i was five , never had a job never had a girfrriend, go to head doctor every month , i have been on meds all my life so far . they told me i will be like this the rest of my life . i look at other people and see then growing , and going through life .its hard for me to think straight , i mean make good choices like ,what to say to people whithout them getting freaked out , i live in a small town , im a form of entertainment for them .but the only people i can relat to are older people , most of them ,i feel the same things as you are feeling ,you just have take it one day at a time,

LegacyUser

Hi OP - my heart goes out to you, but i have to suggest that we do create our own exsistance - I know how hard it is (with depression) to put oneself out there and integrate with others or be focused on anything... I hope its not inappropriate to suggest this, but is there any chance, with your free time, you would consider volunteering or helping out once a week e.g. St vincent de Paul, or social programmes which help the aged/incapacitated/ underprivaliged kids? Its not to make you realise '..how good you have it compared to others...' or anything like that, but to give you purpose - use that sensitivity you have to help make others feel better.... Unfortunately life can seem cruelest to those who deserve it least - generous, sensitive people, while the materialistic hardnoses get ahead... There is a place for you out there, all is not lost - but you must take the first step toward it, and not be fearful.... Good luck...

artvanderlay

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I can empathise with some of the feelings you have about society but I think you do have to always look for the good in people and maybe you just need to put yourself in a situation where you can see more kindness in action. There are annoying assholes everywhere, especially in Dublin, and they tend to be the loudest and most obnoxious (well they are assholes). Good people don't tend to be assholes so they are harder to spot. You say you are unemployed at the moment - would you consider any volunteer work? Helping out in an animal shelter, homeless shelter or something?

With regards to feeling depressed, I know when I'm feeling down I slap on a comedy dvd and have a good laugh. It's a simple thing but it works for me. Also, maybe get a pet? A dog tends to drag you out in the morning and when you are unemployed I think it is important to be up early and stay in some kind of routine to stop you drifting and dwelling on the negative aspects of life. Some good old loud rock music cheers me up too!

I know that while I worked in office jobs, I absolutely hated them. The forced socialising and the blandness of it all meant that I was constantly thinking there must be more to life, so I have decided never to go back to a similar job again. Drastic maybe but it makes my job decisions a lot easier seeing as I can eliminate roles where I am desk-bound. I have still not found my own little niche in life (i'm 30) but I'm going to keep looking because what else am I going to do? Give up? Nah, not happening. You should think about the things that interest you, hobbies, passions and try to develop these especially if you can incorporate a social aspect to it as well (a nightclass or something).

Keep the faith and don't give up. As you say life is short, so why waste it with negativity. Be positive and believe in yourself. Take a gamble and do something you have always wanted to do. If you have a particular problem with Irish culture then maybe contemplate moving somewhere else to see what it is like. Someplace sunny! Teach English as a foreign language. You can do an intensive course in 4 weeks and have a qualification. Money's pretty good too. So long as you have your health, you're good to go.

yawnstretch

Hang in there dude! Keep your eyes peeled for the glimmer of hope!