How do I stop comparing?

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a guy for just over a month now, he's great, lots in common, gorgeous etc (:
The problem is that I keep comparing him to my ex. I can't help it. We broke up around 8 months ago after 1.5 yrs together. He was my first serious relationship, I was head over heels (I'm 22). He ended up with feelings for someone else and treated me like crap a long time (nothing serious, general neglect). Now I can see that we didn't have very much in common, but the two major strengths in our relationship were the laughs we had and these conversations about life, the universe and everything, that would go on all night.

The current guy, we have ten times as many things in common, lots to talk about there. He treats me like a princess. Objectively I can see he's a much better match for me. In the majority of ways he's better than my ex, but lots of the time I find myself thinking about how my ex would have reacted to a certain joke etc, and am disappointed that it's not quite as much fun as before. And when I try and start simliar conversations, things don't flow the same way.

It's stupid and annoying that I do this, because I think if I hadn't had the previous experience to compare with, my boyfriend would be perfect. How can I stop comparing? Is this normal? Will it go away with time?

Nervous Wreck

Tough situation and to be honest, part of you may never stop comparing. First love is very powerful, if not life-changing.... Just roll with the punches for the moment and appreciate this guy for who he is... You and your ex broke up for a reason (or several). Don't forget that.

LegacyUser

Ill tell you how you stop......YOU JUST DO!! If you keep comparing everyone to your ex then your gonna be looking a long time because we are all different. How would you feel if your current boyfriend kept comparing you to his last relationship, for all you know maybe your not as fun as his ex! Accept the guy for who he is and move on. If you dont feel he matches up to what your looking for in a guy then get a new one that does and let him be with someone who appreciates him and what he has to offer.

Nevyn

It is natural when with a new lover to at times compare and contrast them against your old ones but it sounds like you still miss your ex and yearn after him and tbh that is not fair on your current bf and if it's bad then you are not ready to be in a new relationship yet.

bluecell99

Why dont you stop thining about your "EX" because he clearly isnt.

its not fair on your friend to be doing this and the answer lies within yourself.

First step is admitting you are not ready for a realtionship and let him go.Hopefully he will find someone who is available.

spinandscribble

theres always going to be things that your ex's have going for them that your current bf won't such as being better in bed, being funnier or more romantic. everyones got their strengths. you need to focus on the strengths but i think if as time goes on you find it impossible, its time to call it a day.

CDfm

One way might be to compare him to the bad parts. Thats what child actors do when they want to cry on camera they think of puppies dying etc.

Now - long conversations about life the universe and everything is fine.Thats not a great measuring tool. I have those conversations with OH but it is shopping and chocolate.

You will talk more in time maybe you need to be treated less like a princess and he needs to lighten up with you more.

A bit off topic -around 6 months back a friend of mine was seeing a guy and she spent weeks obsessing/comparing. When she finally got around to telling him she saw him in her future he told her flatly he didnt see her. It sounded harsh the way she said it but she had become selfish and demanding.

Anyway at 22 you are not marrying him yet so maybe you should just try and be a nice person with him and you may find he relaxes and becomes chatty.