Should I listen or turn a deaf ear

T Corolla

I have a little dilemma. I am a ordinary type of guy who works with a number of women. My problem is when they start to confide personal information to me. I work with other guys but they do'nt seem to be fortunate enough to be landed with the same dilemma.Two girls in particular tells me some details that I think should not be shared with work colleagues. I feel bad that these things have happened but I smile back at them and try to reassure her that things will work out okay in the end. Should I turn a deaf ear to these problems as I feel they are smothering me for sometime after as I feel sorry for them and I find it hard to concentrate on other things. I try and tell myself that they are playing with my head to see can they dominate me from an emotional front as there are very little women working in the same place and that they may need more troops on their side

Kevster

Hi,

I am in a similar situation but view it in a positive light. I mean, it shows that they trust you with sensitive issues, and not many guys will ever be in the position that you and I are in. There are no ulterior motives involved on their part - They just trust you, that's all.

Kevin

T Corolla

Hi thanks for the reply but I do not want to hear their problems. These girls are in relationships with other people why cant they discuss this things with them. I do not want to sound like a pig but there are other men in our group and they do not seem to have earned the same previlages as I have. I listen to the good and bad while others only have the good

milod

You're giving off 'friend' vibes. You need to sort that out, seriously! I'm not being facetious about this but the same thing used to happen to me and it usually means you end up in the friend zone!

I much prefer being the guy they're complaining about rather than the guy they're complaining to...

gandalf

T Corolla wrote: »

Hi thanks for the reply but I do not want to hear their problems. These girls are in relationships with other people why cant they discuss this things with them.

Well why can't you say this to them diplomatically?

It could just be the type of advice that they want. And as someone already says it's nice to have people trust and value your opinion so much that they want to confide in you. If you know them well and its making you feel uncomfortable then tell them. Just balance it up with how saying that will effect the atmosphere in the office afterwards.

T Corolla

milod wrote: »

You're giving off 'friend' vibes. You need to sort that out, seriously! I'm not being facetious about this but the same thing used to happen to me and it usually means you end up in the friend zone!

I much prefer being the guy they're complaining about rather than the guy they're complaining to...

This is what I thought and on some occasions I have tried to be blunt as hell and they pull back but after a week or two it's back to square one. I agree with this remark 100% so I need to adapt a different strategy. I though of been falsely polite and they will get the message

Wibbs

milod wrote: »

You're giving off 'friend' vibes. You need to sort that out, seriously! I'm not being facetious about this but the same thing used to happen to me and it usually means you end up in the friend zone!

I much prefer being the guy they're complaining about rather than the guy they're complaining to...

+1. You don't need the hassle. If they're actual mates, male or female then fine. If they're lovers then equally fine. In both cases you would be getting something out of it. I work on this principle with non friends women; if you want a shoulder to cry on I better be getting access to other parts of your anatomy. Crass? Probably. Sensible in the longer term? Definitely.

eddie.fandango

OP, I've seen this countless times, and I've even been somewhat of a victim of this. The fact of the matter is, until you take proactive action, this is going to keep happening. Put your foot down mate and don't put up with this BS any longer; these darn wimmins are using you.

Wibbs wrote: »

I work on this principle with non friends women; if you want a shoulder to cry on I better be getting access to other parts of your anatomy.

You Sir, win the game.

T Corolla

I agree with the part of access to the anatomy if they want a shoulder to cry on thanks folks

Kevster

As I'm in the same situation as the OP, I read with intrigue the variuos replies here. I'm just wondering though: If he's up-front about this, then won't they then talk to all of their friends about him and more people than he bargained for will dislike him?

shellyboo

Kevster wrote: »

As I'm in the same situation as the OP, I read with intrigue the variuos replies here. I'm just wondering though: If he's up-front about this, then won't they then talk to all of their friends about him and more people than he bargained for will dislike him?

You mean, gossipy users who only want him to moan and cry at as opposed to being a real friend won't like him? Is that a big loss?

Kevster

hmmm, maybe I'm just too nice for my own good. I've been in this 'friend' zone for 4 years now. Maybe it's related - or maybe it's not - but I've also been single for 4 years.

... ...:cool:

shellyboo

Kevster wrote: »

hmmm, maybe I'm just too nice for my own good. I've been in this 'friend' zone for 4 years now. Maybe it's related - or maybe it's not - but I've also been single for 4 years.

... ...:cool:

I think you're taking it up wrong Kev. The advice given was not to let women who aren't his friends or lovers use him as an emotional crutch - not to tell these women that unless they start putting out he's not going to talk to them anymore!!

There's a subtle difference. The OP hasn't given any indication that he's interested in these women sexually or romantically, he just doesn't want to hear the intimate details of their relationships. It's more of a personal boundaries thing than a dating issue.

These people are not the OP's friends, they're just using him to bitch to, essentially - and if you're finding yourself in the same position, then yes you are being too nice!

T Corolla

shellyboo wrote: »

I think you're taking it up wrong Kev. The advice given was not to let women who aren't his friends or lovers use him as an emotional crutch - not to tell these women that unless they start putting out he's not going to talk to them anymore!!

There's a subtle difference. The OP hasn't given any indication that he's interested in these women sexually or romantically, he just doesn't want to hear the intimate details of their relationships. It's more of a personal boundaries thing than a dating issue.

These people are not the OP's friends, they're just using him to bitch to, essentially - and if you're finding yourself in the same position, then yes you are being too nice!

This is exactly what I am on about. I think I would make things worse for them and me if I have the mentality of getting my leg over for listening to their issues. I listen to my girlfriends problems and I do my very best to work things out with her and I dont get my leg over for doing my part as I did'nt solve the problem but I helped her work through it. Why cant the fellas in these womens lives do the same for them instead of ignoring them
Some of the problems are trivial but some I cannot put on this forum need to be addressed by their parteners

shellyboo

T Corolla wrote: »

This is exactly what I am on about. I think I would make things worse for them and me if I have the mentality of getting my leg over for listening to their issues. I listen to my girlfriends problems and I do my very best to work things out with her and I dont get my leg over for doing my part as I did'nt solve the problem but I helped her work through it. Why cant the fellas in these womens lives do the same for them instead of ignoring them
Some of the problems are trivial but some I cannot put on this forum need to be addressed by their parteners

That's not what Wibbs meant though (I hope!). He meant that unless you're sexually or romantically or emotionally involved with someone, and you're listening to all their problems, they're just using you. It's not like payback for listening, it's more a prerequisite. If you're close with someone, obviously you'll listen to them and help them because they'd do the same for you - these people are colleagues, not friends, and more than likely they don't give a **** about you, to be frank.

Maybe a good way of approaching it is to not give them any advice other than "you should be talking to your bf about this", "you're talking to the wrong person about this", and if they don't get the message, "I'm not comfortable talking to you about this, I don't think your bf would be pleased that you're discussing this with me rather than him".

Just be firm and to the point... you're completely right that they should be communicating with their partners instead of bitching to you, point this out to them, repeatedly, until they get the message.

Wibbs

shellyboo wrote: »

That's not what Wibbs meant though (I hope!). He meant that unless you're sexually or romantically or emotionally involved with someone, and you're listening to all their problems, they're just using you. It's not like payback for listening, it's more a prerequisite.

Nail on the head(though with some it is a payback:D). I also agree with taking the tack of "I dunno, not my issue" and "your boyfriend would a better person to ask". If they say it's about the boyfriend, then defo go with "I don't think your bf would be pleased that you're discussing this with me rather than him".

Kevster

shellyboo wrote: »

Just be firm and to the point... you're completely right that they should be communicating with their partners instead of bitching to you, point this out to them, repeatedly, until they get the message.

If he does that though, then they will probably come back to him still, thinking that he cares for their relationship and is a good relationship adviser or something. I'm only basing this on experience. It does put a positive spin on the thing though.

In my opinion - after thinking about it - I'd just show a general lack of real interest in what they're saying to you the next time (i.e. let them know indirectly that you are getting tired of their complaints about various things such as their partners). I'd favour this approach over just telling them straight out.

Up da Craic

Back to the original post T corolla. Would you be utterly offended if one of these work colleagues made advances towards you? The only reason I ask is do they come across as they want to take it further? Have you been on any nights out with the people in question and if so did anything happen
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Are these two working colleagues you talk about coming on to you or do they just want to confide in you? It is sometimes easier to talk to close friends and confide in them than talk to their partners. They might have a different view on things and maybe they find they can escape the mundane day to day chit chat at home


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Overheal

I can't help but be reminded of South Park: "You know what you need? You need a friend. A Chocolate Friend...Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you. Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are. Look at how yummy and sweet he is …There you go. That'll just be four dollars."


Also, you could always tell them to come here with their problems, where the advice is impartial. Theres a conflict of interest telling her if she's wrong for example, I mean you work with her. Wouldn't work. Unless you're getting something out of it, ie. if she's listening to you drone on about your problems for example.

Personally I only listen insofar as to give them a nudge. Giving them a handout everytime they have a hangnail sets a terrible precedent. It's gotten to the point with one of my family members, who always bitches about the neighbor that I've had to tell him to shut up until he goes over there and says something - until then, I'm no longer interested. Same thing with this girl if she's clearly not making any serious attempt to help herself, she's just moaning. Shove her off a bit.

T Corolla

Up da Craic wrote: »

Back to the original post T corolla. Would you be utterly offended if one of these work colleagues made advances towards you? The only reason I ask is do they come across as they want to take it further? Have you been on any nights out with the people in question and if so did anything happen
[



Are these two working colleagues you talk about coming on to you or do they just want to confide in you? It is sometimes easier to talk to close friends and confide in them than talk to their partners. They might have a different view on things and maybe they find they can escape the mundane day to day chit chat at home


[

I have been out on a few work related events and I try and keep my diastance as I may fly off the handel with them. I do not think they are interested in me sexually but I am not the quickest person in the world to pick up on that vibe. They may have their poker face on I do not want them to make any advances as they do not do anything for me. I prefer to listen to the problems than have them think of me in that way

LegacyUser

What exactly do you mean fly off the handel with them - do you mean temper wise or sexually. It may be a case in either instance that you might underlying fancy them. Or that if you don't say it to them you might completely loss there friendship. You might have to consider if you really want them as friends if they leave you feeling a little akward. Before you decide on that you really need to consider if your just picking up everything in the wrong way. Try talking to one of your male collegues that you trust and see what they think.