SO guys opinion needed! age difference

SunInDublin

I know, the tittle is not really original

I 'm gonna TRY to make it short, ...

I am newly 36 good looking girl, but the looks of a 27 so its a positive but unfortunately it got me in trouble this time.
Im happy with not being married, going out, no kids, im just not ready for the commitment of having that responsability etc..
anyway, went out last year and got myself a toyboy as you might say for one night, a 22 (when i was 34) then of course we hooked a few more times until i nicely said there was no going further, for obvious reasons..age really.
But he seemed persistant, on and off at times he would text then called etc..i kept pushing him away but 6 months, some family drama for me kinda changed things between us, hewanted to be around and be a friend and supportive etc..and next thing you know, boom, we were dating!!
We sure went in it backwards he and i, but the connection was there, hes more mature and im immature for my age, so we fell for each other hard...really hard...madly in love, having the best of times, met his friends, his parents, no one seemed to have an issue with age as i dont look my age at all but i know he was starting to get slagged by his mates of course, i think envy triggers jealousy and comments here and there bout me being older (hes friends all have drama with there 23 years old gfs and we never fight/argue) anyway, we took a break, initiated by me (not my finest decision obviously!) and after 2 months i kinda push for a decision, not point in not seeing each other and but texting bout how much we miss eachother etc and not be together so we broke up...

At the end it was bout having kids!! mind you i dont even want kids now at all, but in his mind if i want to have any, safely, i would have to have one/them in the next 3 or 4 years and he doesnt think he will be ready then...3 months now since the break up and we have had the occasional text or messenger chat and i have tried to avoid talking bout us and he keep putting it in the plate, how much quote "he loves and misses me so much and trying to figure where is at or what the f** hes doing"....
he knows he thinks too much, thats hes main problem, he always had...part of him wants to be with me and then the other says no we can't.
all i see here, and please correct me if im wrong is that he misses me, yes, loves me, of course BUT hes not saying he wants us back together!!!

I dont play game and never have, im forward and asked him not to contact me again as we need to move on, too hard on both of us being in touch as friends, its too difficult and i dont think you can be "friend" with an ex unless both people have moved on..

SO long story ...well not short, sorry lads;), i was wondering if for a guy who has been madly in love with someone and broke up for a reason similar to this one, have you ever got back together or thought of it??

Im not sure what i want to know on this, just needed to vent and gget guys opinion or stories really in similar case!

Queen-Mise

From a female's position. Put out your hand one more time and offer a relationship. Make sure he knows it is the last time you are doing it and there is no going back. Probably be best to do it personally and not msn/text message.

If he doesn't accept, move on, and don't look back. Carry on with your life, whatever you want to do with it.

I know you said you initiated the cutting of contact, I have a motto though of No Regrets. Find out for once and for all, what he thinks and then move on.

dreamlogic

It's not the age difference so much as the fact that at 22 he is still very young and inexperienced. If you happened to have met when he was say 26+ but there was the same age difference, then maybe a relationship would have a better chance.
Then there's the question of whether to have kids. He sees himself being a parent at some point whereas you don't. So there's a difference in lifestyle choices as well as life stages.
I would say decide it wasn't meant to be, let him go and move on. Good luck with it anyway whatever you decide to do.

AlanSparrowhawk

SunInDublin wrote: »

I

SO long story ...well not short, sorry lads;), i was wondering if for a guy who has been madly in love with someone and broke up for a reason similar to this one, have you ever got back together or thought of it??

Not a similar reason but we got back together a few years after a split.

I'm not really sure what to say. Maybe I'v misread. But it kinda sounds like you're asking a guy you've known for less than 2 years to marry you and have babies with you because you've got an eye on the clock.

LegacyUser

Hi, Sorry I am not a guy but am a woman in an age-gap relationship. I am late 30's and he is late 20's.

We kind of had similar dilemma's as yourselves but would never break up over it. We have discussed it but always end up pushing it out of our minds.

Ive been like that for years though, I feel I should want kids, but its always just not now! To tell you the truth I actually dread it, every time it starts to become a reality I find a reason to postpone. Well at this age (late 30's) I am still undecided.

Think about it, you are mid 30's and you still dont have kids, you've got into this relationship with this fella who isn't ready. Its not a coincidence!

Myself thinking about it, I think there is a reason we have done this. Deep down we dont actually want kids and therefore have made relationships with men who aren't ready.....

lol well anyway on his suggestion........I went for tests 'to see if we had time left' fully expecting to be told I was past having kids but the tests turned up normal.
So dilemma still not averted.

Look, my only advice to you is not to let it consume your life. Sometimes there are no neat clean answers to these things. I dont believe in throwing away a good relationship for hypothetical kids that neither of you really wants anyway......

A friend of mine with kids told me something which few will admit. Kids are overrated.

SunInDublin

to Queen mise

you're right, better to have no regrets i agree, but the fact that i asked him NOT to contact me anymore cos everytime we chat it rases the hope of getting back together obviously and he hasnt contacted me since shows that he understand, guess nothing nothing i can do, he hates the fact that we have age differences but the fact is its nothing i can change!!! if anything its gonna get worst, outch!!;)
thax for the wise words tho.

To dreamlogic,

wise guy, yep, you're right too, that came up of course, guess we kept seeing eachother and let ourself fall in love when the age was there from the beginning, he did ask when he first told me he loved me if i wanted to have kids and get married so we would have the same goal and not waste time, i did, i do want that, but not now so thats why i was clear we were on the same page, he just didnt want to have to break up years from now if the problem would happens but how can you be so sure of what you will want or not in 3 or 4 years! ...
I forgot one main thing i noticed in Ireland especially, im not from here obviously, but it seems that here the "time with the lads" is very important in the early 20s, few of my irish gfs have said that too, "the lads" are dominant for those years and opiniated on their lads gf. I know he was getting slagged about me being older a bit but also the amount of time more and more we were spending together..he really didnt like being the center of attention with all the slags, he didnt care but i hate being the center of conversation with my friends myself so i can relate.
Anyway, thx for your opinion, you're right, better to let go, and i am, its just upsetting when nothing was "wrong" except something you cant change!

Last but not least, to Alan the Sparrow!!

yep, you misread amigo, didnt want to get married and have kids now or soon, future sure but not now!!!
Guess its normal when you love someone! i just dont have a time frame for it thats all!! all i told him is lets see how thing goes, lets be in love, lets enjoy ourself and see what happens, do normal things!!....he decided for me when i should have kids in 3 or 4 years, for god sake i dont even know when i will want to eat pasta next!!! i may want kids in 2 years or 5, who knows!!!
he kept saying he was hearing that woman who have kids late 30 or early 40 have high risk pregnancies etc..didnt know he became a doctor but yes it is dangerous later on doesnt mean its like this for everyone! loads of woman have kids late and they're fine, so i will take my chances and wait and enjoy my years until then!
And whats the rush anyway to talk those things when you dont even know what can happens between now and then! i know a girl shes 23 she cant have kids.
he pointed out to me once that he wants to be in a relationship and be it, no break up !!! nice thought but does anyone ever can guarranty that!
can you guarranty your gf you will never breakup?!

So to respond not shortly to you, no i dont have an eye on the clock, HE had the eye on it for me!!!!!!!!!!!;)

Thx all for opinions, appreciated, even from you Sparrow!;)

Beruthiel

SunInDublin wrote: »

he pointed out to me once that he wants to be in a relationship and be it, no break up !!! nice thought but does anyone ever can guarranty that!
can you guarranty your gf you will never breakup?!

No.
Nobody can guarantee that. At any age.
Life and relationships are a risk.

My b/f is 8 years younger. We've been together for 10 years at this stage. The age thing doesn't matter. Not everyone want's to have children you know.

Sun, decide what you want. Then tell him straight.
Life is too short to be wasting it in no mans land.

prinz

SunInDublin wrote: »

At the end it was bout having kids!! mind you i dont even want kids now at all, but in his mind if i want to have any, safely, i would have to have one/them in the next 3 or 4 years and he doesnt think he will be ready then...!

I'm not in this position so cannot give any first-hand advice, but seeing as it came down to the above, well he's right, and he's proved to be a mature lad for even thinking long-term like this. I'm thinking he wants to have kids at some stage in his future, and you're undecided, but he's wise enough to know that a decision has to be made, preferably sooner rather than later.

As Beruthiel said an issue like this could happen in any relationship. I know an ex of mine told me she never wanted to have kids, while we were still teens, well that to me was like the iceberg to the Titanic for us.

IMO reading this I think it is unlikely you two will have a rosy future ahead, harsh as that sounds, just two different views of what you see ahead for the two of you.

SunInDublin

Well again thx! nice opinions out there!

to the "Unregistered Guest" you are damn cool, nice to hear someone in the sort of same situation, although your guy seems much more relax bout it if you wouldnt break up over it!!!

The funny thing is, no bf before made me wanna have kids really except him, with him i could see it happens....in the future!!!! so thats where i got lost cos i thought, bingo!, we're on the same thinking...later on we'll have kids, just not now!

Anyway like Prinz said he was pretty mature, knew he was, for thinking that far ahead, i felt special he was feeling that way bout me and saw a future, for a bit...til he got his brain all tangled up. what happened to live for today and worry bout tomorrow when it comes, life is so umpredictable!!
For all I know, he could be the one not being able to have kids, who knows!!!

"Unregistered guest" i would love to be able to do the test to know "how long i have" as you pretty much say but i would be terrified to know it and have that hanging over my head everytime i date a guy, kinda like saying" hey, you're a really cool guy but I have an experation date!!

Beruthiel thanks too, we are right!;) i wont even bother telling him anything anymore, he made his decision and i have to respect it, no point in chasing him for something that i can not change to make him feel better!
Like mister Prinz said, it just probably not meant to be, and one day i will meet a guy, knowing me probably younger, although think im off the 24 years old one;) and this time he wont matter to him! simple!

thanks all of you, you guys rock!