Is this cheating ?

rugalo

my girlfriend is away on a hen, im wasnt worried at all about it.the thing is i asked her not to snog anyone on this trip,then i get a text saying she snogged the face off this girl as part of a dare. i told her she didnt have to take the dare and that it was cheating in my book, she says im over reacting, am i ? or like me do you think there is no difference on weather its a guy r girl its still cheating.
all and any opinions welcome, thanks

garbanzo

Not ideal really but, at least she told you ! I wouldn't get hung up on it if I was you.

username123

Id be inclined to feel that cheating involves someone who your GF could be interested in striking up a sexual or emotional relationship or encounter with. Someone who they make a deliberate effort to engage with and (most likely) do so under a veil of secrecy.

2 drunk girls having a dare snog is unlikely to turn into anything more than what it was - a public dare snog. Its just a show of exhibitionism and drunk excitement.

I wouldnt class it as cheating.

I also think your GF probably thought you wouldnt react the way you have or else she wouldnt have told you about it - if she knew you felt this way she probably wouldnt have done it.

G-Money

Hmmmm, I don't know, a can of worms is about to be opened if it's to do with is it cheating if they kiss someone who's the same sex.

Anyway, what really jumped out about your post was that you asked her not to snog someone else. It seems a slightly strange relationship where you have to ask her not to kiss someone else. Shouldn't she be sticking to that anyway? It's not something you should have to request. I don't know your situation but it seems odd that it's one where you have to mention something like that to her.

Also, would she have taken this 'dare' if it had been a guy she had to snog? If so, how would she feel if the tables were turned?

Nervous Wreck

There's 2 ways of looking at it.

1. It's no different from cheating with a guy. The counter-argument to this would of course be "but she's a girl and I'm straight so I obviously have no real feelings; it was just a dare." The counter to that, of course, being "But if the important factors here are that it was just a dare and you have no real feelings, surely the fact that she's female wouldn't make the difference. i.e. if those were the only factors involved, you could justify kissing anybody and try to get away with it." If ya get me?


2. It was clearly just a laugh with a girlfriend for the hen night buzz and it's not actually a big deal. Of course, if it were with another man or if your girl was bisexual, I'd look at it differently...




Personally, I'd be inclined to go with number 2 there. Wouldn't worry about it mate, lots of girls 'have a laugh' with their mates when they're pissed and its a dare. No problem feeling weird about it but let yourself calm down and think rationally about the whole thing before you talk to her again. The way that you take this is ultimately your choice. Don't wreck your head.

LegacyUser

It's probably not cheating, but it is really disrespectful.
For me, it would be grounds to reconsider the relationship. But thats just me, I'm sure others will have other opinions.

username123

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

Of course, if it were with another man or if your girl was bisexual, I'd look at it differently...

Good point, I looked at it from the perspective that the girl is straight. I would definitely view it differently if she is bi or if it was a guy she snogged. But if she is straight and it was one of her pals, no biggie.

LegacyUser

Just to add, I think its pretty stupid behaviour by her. I wouldnt consider her very mature. I know lots of women who wouldn't act like that as they have a bit of sense and don't need to get pissed and act stupid. Plenty of other ways to have fun. It depends on how easy-going you are about it.
I know I wouldnt accept it and neither would my GF.

Queen-Mise

No that is not cheating - a drunken dare.

But what I want to ask - Why would you feel the need to ask you girlfriend not to snog anyone on a hen night. Why would that be in anyway ok, unless the two of you were in an open relationship.

I would be looking at that first - Do you think your girlfriend is going to snog someone else unless you ask her not to? Does your girlfriend think snogging is not cheating? Does she think snogging is ok?
I am talking about blokes here obviously and not referring to the drunken dare kiss.

Reginald P. DuM

the key to this is deception and loyalty..

Did your girlfriend deliberatley set out to decieve you by snogging another person.. Answer clearly is no.. She did the decent thing and informed you which does show her loyalty to you.. seems like a mountain and a molehill job to me.. kiss and make up!!!

smares

grandmaster wrote: »

Anyway, what really jumped out about your post was that you asked her not to snog someone else. It seems a slightly strange relationship where you have to ask her not to kiss someone else. Shouldn't she be sticking to that anyway? It's not something you should have to request. I don't know your situation but it seems odd that it's one where you have to mention something like that to her.

As the above said asking her not to kiss someone shows there is something wrong in your relationship a lack of trust so i think id try sort that first. As for her kissing a girl im not sure i count that as cheating its a drunken dare at a hens party it would be different if she felt attracted to the girl.

Miss Fluff

username123 wrote: »

Id be inclined to feel that cheating involves someone who your GF could be interested in striking up a sexual or emotional relationship or encounter with. Someone who they make a deliberate effort to engage with and (most likely) do so under a veil of secrecy.

Agree with above.

Tbh OP she sounds pretty immature. It looks to me that she was hoping you may be turned on by her snog and is now smarting at your reaction.

I wouldn't constitute it as cheating unless she has feelings for this girl and wants to take it further tbh.

KittyeeTrix

rugalo wrote: »

my girlfriend is away on a hen,

Jeez, I thought what happens on the hen stays on the hen, at least that's what we've always said when we've been on one:D


Seriously I wouldn't stress about it, worse has happened on hen nights out, the girl was only taking part in a "dare", having a laugh with the girls. Don't over analyse it, too much over analysing going on in this damned world anymore, waaay too serious,
It was a dare on a hen, don't read anymore into it unless ye have deeper issues!!!!!!!!!

Jack B. Badd

username123 wrote: »

Id be inclined to feel that cheating involves someone who your GF could be interested in striking up a sexual or emotional relationship or encounter with. Someone who they make a deliberate effort to engage with and (most likely) do so under a veil of secrecy.

By that definition, a person isn't cheating if (s)he sleeps with a prostitute (with whom (s)he has no interest in starting a relationship with) and informs their partner about it. Personally, if I was that partner I'd have another thing to say about it!

OP, regardless of whether this falls into the "cheating" category you're girlfriend didn't respect your reasonable request of her. If I were you I'd sit down and discuss it with her and make your feelings known. Realistically you're the only person you can say whether or not you feel cheated on.

3hn2givr7mx1sc

Unregistered wrote: »

It's probably not cheating, but it is really disrespectful.
For me, it would be grounds to reconsider the relationship. But thats just me, I'm sure others will have other opinions.

Pure over the top... It was just a laugh and if she was even thinking of going anyway further with it she wouldn't have told him about.. Things like that happen.. Especially on a hen weekend....

Liam Byrne

How would she react if you snogged a girl "as a dare" ?

LegacyUser

Aadhya Vast Wax wrote: »

Pure over the top... It was just a laugh and if she was even thinking of going anyway further with it she wouldn't have told him about.. Things like that happen.. Especially on a hen weekend....

No, it's not over the top at all. I said, for me it would be grounds to reconsider the relationship. As it would be for my own GF, she wouldn't accept behaviour like that from me.
Different standards for different people I suppose. No need to say I'm over the top.

As someone else said, she sounds immature. And I wouldn't go out with an immature person. Just because some people (majority or not, I dunno,) act like idiots and fools on stag/hen nights, doesn't mean that he should accept it if he doesnt want to. So I gave the OP my own opinion on that basis. Its for him to decide what to do now.

star-pants

Liam Byrne wrote: »

How would she react if you snogged a girl "as a dare" ?

Good point.

Personally, if (I had a bf) and if he kissed a guy on a drunken dare I still wouldn't be impressed. Obviously it's worse when its the sex that they're interested in but just because it's two girls the reaction is 'oh its ok, they're both girls' and 'she's not interested'.
So if on a dare she kissed a guy (she wasn't interested in) would that be the same as kissing the girl she'd no interest in?

Odd the OP asked his gf not to kiss someone. AND she turned around and said she kissed a girl on a drunken dare.

To me, kissing someone outside the relationship is cheating (I don't mean a kiss on the cheek hello btw). But it's a varying degree of it, this drunken female kiss. So I would just express how I felt and do my best to get on with it. If something like that arises again, then I'd be rethinking things.

soundsham

sounds like a bit of a sl4pper !!

i'd be rid of her if it was me,probably would have the same excuse for kissing a bloke....

rugalo

cheers for all your coments guys. the reason i felt i had to ask her not to snog anyone (as she did me on the stags the week before) is probably because of a huge insecurity i have about myself. she is a wounderful gf and i love her very much but this was not expected, so i suppose i feel more let down than cheated on, but i have thought about it, let my logic take over and really im not that bothered BUT in the heat of the moment we did speak and i said some things i DEFINITELY regret and we havent spoken since.have i ruined this ? i hope not:(

Kirnsy

what did you say?

and have you apologised?

rugalo

id rather not say put it this way i was a complete w****r.i have apologised many times, also i cant get through to her on her mob because she has no credit.

pwd

It is cheating yes.
It seems like she didn't think you'd mind, but you shouldn't be apologising to her for being upset about it.

Kirnsy

pwd wrote: »

It is cheating yes.
It seems like she didn't think you'd mind, but you shouldn't be apologising to her for being upset about it.

i agree i meant if he apologised for saying stuff he regretted.

ball is in her court so OP.

rugalo

ye i suppose it is but i just dont know weather to continue with the argument and or relationship my head is wrecked

legal lady

no i dont think its cheating......
it was just part of the fun!!!!!!!!!

i have experienced cheating and the fact that she told you means that she respects you enough to make sure your feelings are not hurt by you hearing it from someone else!!!!!!!

pwd

legal lady wrote: »

no i dont think its cheating......
it was just part of the fun!!!!!!!!!

i have experienced cheating and the fact that she told you means that she respects you enough to make sure your feelings are not hurt by you hearing it from someone else!!!!!!!

Ok look at it this way: If she played spin the bottle and snogged the face off other guys, the arguments to say it wasn't cheating would hold true for that too (wasn't attracted to the person, was just part of the fun etc). It's clearly nonsense to suggest snogging the face off someone else isn't cheating, to be fair.

SarahSassy

Its just an infantile attempt at titillation of the opposite sex... If you want your girlfriend to be that faux-lesbian, snogging her friends on the dance floor to 'look cool' and get boys attention then stay with her... The days of the Madonna - Britney snog are long gone and whats left is a sad attempt at attention seeking and an upset boyfriend.

bubblewrap

She kissed someone else, in my book it is cheating. She can't say it isn't cheating because I don't fancy girls, she could have kissed a man and said it isn't cheating because she doesn't fancy him!

It is slightly difficult to see it from your point of view, being a girl, because I KNOW my man would never go with another man lol but say if he did, I wouldn't really be too pleased. However, I would maybe let it go, far more than I would if he kissed another girl, that would be curtains for the relationship. Don't know how he would react if I snogged a girl, he knows I did it in the past when I was single but I doubt he would be jumping through hoops if he knew I did it now.

Hen and stag do's should be banned, they are more trouble than they are worth.

liah

Well, would she have done the dare if you were there? Would you have let her go through with the dare if you were there?

Basically all it comes down to, really.

rugalo

i know the descition is mine but i really dont know what to do, you see the situation is not as black and white as it seems, we have a daughter together, obviously if i make the descition to leave her im not going to abandon by daughter but it makes me think why break up a family for something like this.my head says forget about it, my heart says no way the next time it could be a bloke so just finish it.

SarahSassy

You should have mentioned your daughter at the start...

Not worth breaking up over so but let hew know what your boundaries are and that kissing anyone male or female is a deal breaker...

LegacyUser

just tell her that her kissing another person, regardless of gender, is making u feel totally uncomfortable and if she has any respect for u and the relationship ye have together she should cop the hell on and dont let anything like that happen again.
and next time she should choose a truth as oppose to a dare!

Lollipops23

OP i don't reckon the sentiment of cheating was there- meaning it's not like she was looking for someone to score, it was something she did for a dare, not thinking it would be cheating to you. while that's no excuse, i don't think you should break up over it. are there other issues in your relationship that maybe make this a bigger problem?

IMHO snogging a woman for dare ain't cheatin, hell i've done it myself and my ex thought it was the most amazing spectacle ever:rolleyes: however,every relationship is different and has different boundaries/expectations.

rugalo

a lot of you guys are suggesting a bigger problem with the relationship, i know to make any sort of an educated diagnoses you would need to know the ins and outs of it.i would like to know were the problem may lie as i want to make it work.weve been together for 4 years,engaged,have a baby and saving for a house,weve had some big fights she is quiet a paronoid person as am i which is probably due to the fact we were both cheated on in previous relationships, she accused me of cheating a while back which i wasnt, she got over and now this. it seems that when its good, it cant be beaten but when its bad its hell,never really lasts very long but its hell.any thoughts on were my/our problem is and suggestions on how to fix it, like i said i mwant this to work.

Lollipops23

well for a start it was foolish of her to kiss anyone else if you're relationship was on such precarious ground. you guys appear to have some serious trust issues between you and only the two of you can fix this.

rugalo

actually scratch that we just spoke and she is not one bit sorry for what she did or how she has made me feel this is just not like her

MissHoneyBun

rugalo wrote: »

actually scratch that we just spoke and she is not one bit sorry for what she did or how she has made me feel

Ok, see this is what I'd have the problem with. Her reaction to your being so upset indicates a much deeper lack of respect and consideration for you, much more than her silly kissing stunt.

To me, her snogging her mate was nothing more than a drunken spur of the moment attempt at showing off and attention seeking. Probably done with little or no thought involved.

However, to come home and consistently disregard your feelings as though they're worth nothing is not so spontaneous. Her drunken snog was waving two fingers at you but this is walking all over you. Be firm with her and stand by your thoughts on this or else you'll be doing a lot of posting in here. Remember, it's her behaviour that is questionable here, not yours.

rugalo

i know what your saying,we spoke again and i fully explained how i felt and she seems to understand it now. i said in an earlier post its not the snogging that bothers me now its her attitude afterward ive explained this to her and she has apologised about her attitude, but you are right we have serious problems and she is as am i willing to work at it to sort it out once and for all (hopefully) and i suppose the good thing is wear gona try and sort it for us and not just for sake of the child so maybe theres hope for us yet, also as i said this was not like her plus i had probably made the situation worse with my attitude, i need to sort my head out !

soundsham

as i said earlier i'd be rid of her as it's a sl4pperish trait in my eyes girl kissing for attention....sad

as for the daughter didn't know that from original post
what a role model for your girl her mother is:(

rugalo

soundsham wrote: »

as i said earlier i'd be rid of her as it's a sl4pperish trait in my eyes girl kissing for attention....sad

as for the daughter didn't know that from original post
what a role model for your girl her mother is:(

thats a bit harsh, as i said this not like her, but i do see what your saying so thanks, ill be keeping a close eye for this sort of thing again.ill be the first to admit we have problems but we are willing to work on them, well more so me,my head is a mess at the best of times i really am my own worst enemy and i lost a lot of good friends because of this but im not about to loose the woman i love.

Lollipops23

soundsham wrote: »

as i said earlier i'd be rid of her as it's a sl4pperish trait in my eyes girl kissing for attention....sad

as for the daughter didn't know that from original post
what a role model for your girl her mother is:(

bit harsh dude,she was on a hen and no doubt off her face.it's not like she's having threesomes in front of her child.

Sattwa69

jeez everyone is taking so seriously.
Id be delighted if my girlfriend snogged another girl.
I would just wish I was there to see it happen to be honest.

rugalo

Sattwa69 wrote: »

jeez everyone is taking so seriously.
Id be delighted if my girlfriend snogged another girl.
I would just wish I was there to see it happen to be honest.

ye again i blew it up on a first thought as is always the way with me. i actually said to her what should have been my reaction was, any chance of a bit of 2 on 1 action, she laughed, but i didnt as usual i spoke (txtd) before i thought so sorry if you all feel like ive waisted your time:o but thank you all very much for your replies.:)

Chocoholic84

Jesus, the blasé attitude of some people on here really annoys me!

Why does it matter if it was a girl she snogged? She snogged someone else. Yes, that's cheating. Doesn't matter if it was a dare or not. She could've declined! Personally, I couldn't do that, I'd feel terrible about it, and don't particularly want to be snogging other people, male or female, because I'm perfectly happy with my partner.

The fact that she told you probably means she doesn't think she did anything wrong - maybe you should go snog someone else and say it was a dare, see how she likes it :rolleyes: (and I can bet she wouldn't)

KittyeeTrix

soundsham wrote: »

as i said earlier i'd be rid of her as it's a sl4pperish trait in my eyes girl kissing for attention....sad

as for the daughter didn't know that from original post
what a role model for your girl her mother is:(

Again with the oh so serious!!!!!!
The girl was having a laugh, Jesus christ, you'd think she went to an S and M club and had herself taped and put up on You tube
OP, quit going on about it and move on, if my hubby created a big fuss over something like this, i'd tell him to cop the hell on TBH:mad:
:mad:

I'm sick to death of people analyzing the daylights out of everything, it was a drunken snog on a hen, a dare I might remind you........
In my eyes the worst thing she did was come home and tell you about it........
Maybe she wanted to pi$$ you off, could that be it?:eek:

Kirnsy

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

Again with the oh so serious!!!!!!
The girl was having a laugh, Jesus christ, you'd think she went to an S and M club and had herself taped and put up on You tube
OP, quit going on about it and move on, if my hubby created a big fuss over something like this, i'd tell him to cop the hell on TBH:mad:
:mad:

clearly the OP didn't find this kind of a laugh funny.

just because you feel that way doesn't mean everyone does. I personally would be a bit pissed off if it were my GF and especially with my wife.

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

I'm sick to death of people analyzing the daylights out of everything, it was a drunken snog on a hen, a dare I might remind you........
In my eyes the worst thing she did was come home and tell you about it........

you'd rather you not knowing if your hubby cheated on you/kissed another men behind your back? IMO the lady in question did the decent thing in being HONEST

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

Maybe she wanted to pi$$ you off, could that be it?:eek:

oh ffs that defeats your whole argument that it was nothing serious.
if she wanted to piss her man off in doing this then there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.

EDIT : you seem to have sorted it out OP. congrats

KittyeeTrix

Kirnsy wrote: »

clearly the OP didn't find this kind of a laugh funny.


I know he didn't find it funny, but maybe she didn't realise that he would react in that way......unless hmmm, she did and wanted to purposely stirr things up

Kirnsy wrote: »

just because you feel that way doesn't mean everyone does. I personally would be a bit pissed off if it were my GF and especially with my wife.

If you took the situation to be serious and regarded it as "cheating" then of course anybody would feel very pi$$ed off about it

Kirnsy wrote: »

you'd rather you not knowing if your hubby cheated on you/kissed another men behind your back? IMO the lady in question did the decent thing in being HONEST

This is the part of the whole situation that has me thinking what's really going on with OP and the girlfriend. If it really was a drunken dare, why tell him? I can imagine she would tell him if it was more than a drunken dare as being honest is definitely better even if it is horrible hurting the one you supposedly love.

Of course I would not like my husband to cheat behind my back and not to know about it, but I don't feel that this was a case of "cheating"

Kirnsy wrote: »

oh ffs that defeats your whole argument that it was nothing serious.
if she wanted to piss her man off in doing this then there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.

That is my point in a nutshell, why tell him about a drunken dare if only to get him all worked up. That's what I said in an earlier post, excactly what you said...... there seems to be more issues going on here that just an episode of a drunken dare!!!!!

EDIT : you seem to have sorted it out OP. congrats

IMHO the girl is taking the mick out of the OP but I obviously could be wrong


p.s Usually I am wrong

Kirnsy

i agree that she is not seriously cheating on him from her perspective but i also think that the OP is well within his rights to be pissed off.


i am never wrong.:rolleyes:

KittyeeTrix

Kirnsy wrote: »

i agree that she is not seriously cheating on him from her perspective but i also think that the OP is well within his rights to be pissed off.


i am never wrong.:rolleyes:

Hubby, is that you?:)

Nevyn

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