Lonely, disillusioned - where next?

LegacyUser

hello,

I am a male and 21 and I am not too happy with my life in general, don't get me wrong I like it just not how it has worked out so far.

Briefly I live at home with my parents and am unemployed (another downer). I left school when I was 14 and have no qualifications and with the downturn I can't see things changing. I worked during the boom briefly but could not integrate into my job and quit after severe rows with my boss. This is just to sort of give an example of how I am.

I am pretty well off as I come from a well to do family, I am the bailout son and my credit card is even linked to my fathers. I have one sister who is older and moved out last year after many pitch battles with my mother due to her relationship with a "lower class" fella who I get on ok with but has a little bit of a drink problem and she carries the relationship on her back but it is none of my business anyway and I support her in in her decisions.

I think my real problem is my own social ineptness and the fact that I have practically no friends, I know lots of people but never really mix or go out, the fact that I have no friends to "go out with" making things worse. I don't drink often which has also made me a bit of "gooseberry" whenever I do pluck up the courage to go out, I never have the courage to talk to girls and am completely alienated from my own age groups and peers.

I blame my mother for most of my cognitive developmental shortcomings, when I was in School I was bullied severely and my mothers response was to put me on Imipramine anti-depressants which my father quickly took me off as I became completely withdrawn. I cannot remember around 6 months of my life as a 12 to 13 year old as a result of this. I was never allowed have friends over as they were not suitable and I was sent to a different upperclass Secondary School away from everyone else. I spent very little time there and took part in a personal rebellious period against my my parents then and quit school. My mother is a strict catholic and has some real backward views in life and compares Alcohol to the mother of all evil.

So I sauntered through my teenage years bored and stuck on video games and the internet every day and never went outside much and I was a near hermit until I turned 17 and my father bought me a real nice car costing as much as an average apartment. I then had some freedom but it meant nothing to me really as I have no friends to go do stuff with.

My real sadness is my own loneliness in life and I fear I will never find a life partner or even a GF, due to my lack of friends, backward mother and general dislike of the pubs/clubs scene. I really am disillusioned with this and my self esteem is low as a result, I have no achievements of my own achieve bar crashing previous car and live completely at my parents whim. If I go it alone the bailout goes and I am bankrupt.

I wonder if I will ever be normal and have a GF and do the normal thing and enjoy relationships and proper sex. The only things I have done that I am proud of is I love to travel (on my own!) and with unlimited funds I have travelled alot of Europe and America, however when I was in America I lost my virginity (yes I used rubbers) on a bit of a floozey and had a one night stand and I feel since this that my life is so lacking. My goal would be to be somehow financially independent and have a GF and just be normal. My father whom I am very close with is very liberal and would support me in anything but my mother is a typical Irish mammy who ruined me from the offset and my sisters friends describe her as a witch. I am trying to convince my father to buy me a house now as they are so cheap and I feel if he would do this now I could move out and break the shackles which have driven me gaga.

I thought off escaping to Australia for a year to "find" myself but a change of country will not find me although it would be nice. I really *like* (I mean head overheels) a girl who lives closeby and I sort of know her but I know she doesn't even see me on the radar. I often thought of asking her out but the entire concept seems doomed to disaster with me. My self esteem issues here are leaving me lacking. I often wish I could swap the cotton wool lifestyle and the M3 for a skanger life where they seem to be happy and all have girlfriends even if not the most glamourous.

I often thought of going for therapy but think that is letting my mother win as I spent much of my early childhood and early teens on leather couches doing X's & O's with some dofus ripping off my mother. I think the only acceptable outcome to here would be if I was a priest, sex is considered filthy and I often wonder how I was even conceived by my father. I just want to be normal and everything I do to break the circle backfires, I slept with callgirls thinking it would break my mental block but I am now even more afraid of rejection and the only girls that approach me are total gold-digging skanks.


Trapped!

speedy2007

First off - you're only 21. you have loads of time for girlfriends. I think right now you should concentrate on sorting out your situation i.e. moving out of home, becoming more independant so that you feel more in control of your own life. Getting a job would also give you a feeling of self-worth, so that you're not the "bailout son"..(ok i know in current economy this is hard.) Get rid of the credit card.
Personally i dont think the travel is a bad idea, but if you were to do it you should stay in hostels and work, even if its a crap job...but you'd meet people, you'd be standing on your own two feet. Volunteering is another option for when youre abroad.
You are def not alone in hating the pubs/clubs things...i do too, and if you do a search you'll find there is many more out there like you. Why not join clubs,do a course something you have some interest in...you have time while you arent working.

I dont really know if these suggestions are any help right now, perhaps other people would be able to offer better advice than me. But i think you're stuck in a rut right now, and the first move you make to change sth in your life, no matter how small, will give you the confidence to move forward with the rest. Dont try to get everything at once ...like the friends, gf, independance.

blow69

OP I think you're wrong. Going to Austrailia for a year sounds like a viable option. You'll get to travel, meet new people and maybe get some wordly confidence and some perspective on life. It sounds like you can afford it anyway although I wouldn't try and be too dependemt on your parents.

I know that in my general area many young people, same age as yourself, are heading over to Oz for a year. There are plenty of activities and things to do that you simply can't do over here.

Then, if and when you come back, you will have experience, newfound confidence and you might be able to figure out what you want to do.

merlie

Omg! I do know how you feel. I, myself am from a strict catholic background and I spent my childhood under my mothers wing. I HAD to make the right friends I could not bring anyone home though as friends were out of bounds at home. I do not drink alcohol at all as it was drummed into me when I was a child that the devil is alcohol and that anyone who drinks will rot in hell. She really scared me telling me that, and as an adult I have never taken any alcohol. I realise in myself it is not a me thing to do. But my mother ruled the house with an iron fist and was strict on a lot of things, sending me to convent school (which I hated). I never made many friends when I was younger although I did hang round with a few from my class but when you are young you do not usually make life long friendships as they usually fizzle out when you get older or you or they move away to another school. My father was easy going and let my mum rule the house.

My mother did not approve of my boyfriend and I eventually moved away to live with him, whom I spent 17 years with. I became no longer under the grips of her religious beliefs and strictness. I have changed my own beliefs and have become the person I am today. I am not religious by any means but I do have my own belief and that is, if your good, you are good, if your bad, you are bad.

You need to get out from under your mothers wing and become the person you wish to be. You need to really realise that you are becoming your own worst enemy and you take all that is given or told for you to do. Material possessions are not the be all and end all of life. My mother loved the silver and crystal pieces she had on display at home and all the sumptuous velvet furniture she had too, but that never was my thing, I prefer to love and care for someone and it does not matter what they have or what they haven't got materially. It is the person who is more important and thats they way it is with me.

For you, I feel that going to Australia is a very good idea. There you can change how you feel about things, you are away from home and your parents and you can learn more about who you are and where you want to go and what you want to do in life. I completely understand how you feel but as long as you are attached to the apron strings you will never know yourself and always feel let down somehow.

Relationships need building and time. Just thinking another person may think you do not exist is not the same as finding out for sure. You say you like her, but you do not figure you are on the radar anywhere. Well, that is speculation. Often people look one way and feel another on the inside. You have to make a move if you want to get to know her better. Even small things like saying hello or how are you..breaks the ice. Its not rocket science she may equally be in the same position as you, scared to say anything or approach you. We do worry over the smallest things.


As another idea, you could go back to college and sit the leaving certificate or you can learn a skill. This could also bring you confidence and an ability to gain further career advancement. I have listed below some websites that may help you

http://www.revver.com/video/1406749/the-self-esteem-help-site/

http://www.expertvillage.com/video-series/6605_how-improve-self-esteem.htm

You can sort out all of this, nothing is impossible and its never too late.

I wish you the very best of luck

Do take care of yourself,

Merlie

Taltos

OP - feel rotten for you. This is a real example of the Oirish Mammy moulding her later in life Care-Taker.

For yourself and your future you really need to get out of there.
Go to Auz - go anywhere! It is going to be tough and you might get the funds cut off. But just think of the pride you will feel in yourself when you manage to really stand on your own feet.

You are only 21 - so it is not too late by any stretch of the imagination. If going back to school fulltime is too scary then look into night classes. It all depends on what you want to get out of life, which right now - stuck where you are you probably stand little hope of figuring out. Move out, find yourself, figure out what you want to do - it is never too late - but it will get harder. It really looks like everything you have been given by your folks - even your well meaning father has just tied you closer and closer so that it is harder to leave.

You do have one obvious thing going for you - and that is your relationship with your Dad. Talk to him and let him know what you plan but basically make up your mind and go for it. Having travelled a bit too I know that there really are wonders out there - so go out, find your life and live it.
It doesn't mean you love your family less - but if you stay where you are in a few years you will not only end up hating yourself but you will hate your parents so much that you will lose yourself to that rage.

prinz

Your low self esteem seems to stem from the fact that your enjoying a free ride through life, and contributing nothing, and doing nothing to better yourself.

You have no friends, could not integrate into work because you are not socially adept, you left school/college so you have no experience of making friends and being self-sufficient. tbh you sound contrary, dependent and anti-social. I can see where your difficulties arise.

How about you give back the car, cut up the credit card, go to Australia if you have to, but get a job, go back to education, earn your own money and earn some self respect. When you respect and esteem yourself, you generate respect and esteem for you in other people.

tbh I don't know any girl who'd be interested in having a relationship with someone the way you are now. Sorry to be harsh but that's the way it is.

Want to be 'normal'? Get an education, get a job and support yourself. You call girls interested in you "gold digging skanks", whereas all I see is you being a gold digging skank yourself. You got your car, got your travel..... and now you're looking for a house? Get off your *ss and get a job. I would have no time for you whatsoever. No wonder you have no friends.

mardybum

Gotta agree with Prinz there...

IMO f you want to have your own life then you have to fund it yourself. If you need to get on your feet, don't get your dad to BUY (!!) you a house, get him to *lend* you a months deposit and rent. Find a place to live. Get a job, anywhere.

Or go to your local FAS office, (www.fas.ie and there's one on d'olier st near 46a, 11, and 48a bus stops) and get on a fas course. They run courses in extremely diverse subjects, and usually last about 6 months, you'll be interacting with people all trying to find their own feet, just like you. You'll get paid social welfare allowance to do this. You can use your qualification to get a job or move into further education.

I would say, don't go to oz... if you've travelled extensively in Europe and America, then theres no need to add oz to the list right now. It seems to me like what you really need to do is get yourself set up on your feet. 21 maybe young, but if you continue on the way you are nothing will have changed by the time your 25 or 28 or 30.

The most important thing is to get some kind of education, and fend for yourself. The system starts with a Fetac level 5 certificate(same level as leaving cert qualification), and as I said, you can get this through fas and they'll pay you to do it . Or you can do a Level 5 0r 6 in any PLC College (www.gotocollege.ie) and then through this move into 3rd level. An ordinary degree is level 7 and a higher degree is level 8, just for the full info)

AFter all, if you can't get a job, you might as well get an education!

Plus, much better for you parents to be funding you through college than through naval gazing.

When you've done this the other stuff will just fall into place - the feeling of self-worth, friends, interests, insight etc etc

ibbie

have to agree with the last two post- letting your father buy you a house / apt will not make you more independent you need to cut the purse strings. Going to Australia won't solve anything imo you need to go back and get a proper education which will not only give you more of a social life but also better options and chances to become more independent.

LegacyUser

Mate, I know you've got some problems there and your mother's a nightmare, but tbh you're 21 and an adult. Move out.Not into a house that your dad buys, with a mortgage that he pays and a car that he bought for you. Find a job in some shop or whatever, look for a place you can afford to rent and go stand on your own 2 feet. Preferably at the other end of the country.I have sympathy for you from the point of view of your mother, but it sounds like you've had everything handed to you on a plate up to now. Things start to mean much more when you've worked for them yourself. You sound like you're blaming your parents/mother for all your problems....it's true to a point, but there comes a time where you've got to accept responsibility for yourself. Nobody's going to "keep" you for the rest of your life, you've got to "keep" yourself. You're not going to meet anybody you think is worthwhile while you're going around sponging off your parents.I know I sound harsh, but that's what every decent person, male and female, is going to think. Poor little rich boy. Australia might be an option alright - as long as it's with your own money, and with a view to getting a job, not just bumming around for a year while being financed by your parents.
You probably should consider going back to education.You haven't really done yourself many favours, regardless of how it might seem to you. I'm reasonably certain you don't need a shrink. What do you think they're going to do for you? Ask you about your childhood and agree with you when you say it's all your mother's fault??That doesn't provide you with a solution to anything. What you need to do is go out there and live life with all it's crappy ups and downs.It bloody diffcult at times, but the good times make it worth it.
Look I'm sure I sound horrible, but maybe it's time someone spoke to you like this.Go look into Fas courses, maybe some night courses. Start looking for a job...and don't expect much, because you've got little or no education, even though you drive an M3. Start small, work up. Your dad will be proud of you, and it sounds like you've a good relationship with him.Try not to depend on your parents, and when you've a bit of money, look in to moving out.And above all, try not to pay attention to your mother.She's entitled to her opinions but that's all they are. The life she wants is not necessarily the same as what you want, and you're a person too.And that's okay. Plus these are different times to those that she grew up in, and things change. Sex is a normal human action; there's nothing wrong with it.Of course you don't have to go discuss it with her; operate on a need-to-know basis. If you go make a decent stab at things you'd be surprised at who you meet.And you've got your whole entire life ahead of you.Believe me, it's not too late to start turning things around now.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Ok I can kinda relate to you OP.

My parents are well off too. I'm the same age as you.

They're planning to buy me a house as soon as possible.

Tbh on the house issue the way I look on it is this -

I don't care what Bob on the street says about it. My parents want to do this. I never asked them or expected it. Yes, it seems unfair that the majority of people have to work really hard to get their own home but meh. Life isn't fair. Sometimes people get lucky in parts of their life. I'm lucky my parents are well off. I'm not so lucky with my health - won't get into it but it makes life not "normal". But getting this house would be like winning the lotto.

I say if your parents WANT to buy you a flat or a house, grand. But Jesus, don't keep asking your Dad if he's already said no.

Get a job. Jez, I'm in college but any chance to earn my own few bob I grab with both hands. I don't want to be dependant on my parents forever. Every summer I'm working. I work hard and I always get on very well with employers despite their personalities.

You say you had arguments with your employer. Tbh mate, it's part of life. But you slog through and you put a smile on your face unless you're confident you can get another job.


- Get a job. Let's face it beggers can't be choosers. Chancers are your parents have connections. Use them. Yes, I do get the irony here. But in fairness they'll probably be only to happy to help to get you started on becoming an adult.
- When you've saved up enough - move the heck out.
- Don't take another penny from them ever again. Unless obviously something terrible happens, but even then - pay them back.

It's all up to you. Otherwise you'll wind up in your 30s like this. Only you can start your life. Yes, it'll be hard but you've had nearly a decade of sitting on your bum waiting for life to get better.

It won't until you get moving.

BTW stop trying to put all the blame on your mam. No parent is perfect. Mine certainly aren't - they'd give your mam a run for her money. But I don't blame them for the way I am.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

Your low self esteem seems to stem from the fact that your enjoying a free ride through life, and contributing nothing, and doing nothing to better yourself.

You have no friends, could not integrate into work because you are not socially adept, you left school/college so you have no experience of making friends and being self-sufficient. tbh you sound contrary, dependent and anti-social. I can see where your difficulties arise.

How about you give back the car, cut up the credit card, go to Australia if you have to, but get a job, go back to education, earn your own money and earn some self respect. When you respect and esteem yourself, you generate respect and esteem for you in other people.

tbh I don't know any girl who'd be interested in having a relationship with someone the way you are now. Sorry to be harsh but that's the way it is.

Want to be 'normal'? Get an education, get a job and support yourself. You call girls interested in you "gold digging skanks", whereas all I see is you being a gold digging skank yourself. You got your car, got your travel..... and now you're looking for a house? Get off your *ss and get a job. I would have no time for you whatsoever. No wonder you have no friends.

While I agree with the sentiment behind this post whole heartedly Im not sure I agree with the extent to which you blame the OP for his situation. Hes been born into a family who have submerged him in an existence which is just as soul destroying as if his parents were heroin addicts and he ended up the same way.

OP, what you need to do, and it will be the hardest thing in your life, is to refuse the petty trinkets which your parents bestow upon you, these include your fancy car, the promised house, the money to pay for sex etc. The cost of accepting these gifts is you are indebting yourself to people who clearly have no concern or at least no comprehension of what is in your best interests. Every time you accept one of these things it is a part of you that has been exchanged, they are not free.

I understand you have no means of supporting yourself at the moment, as a result it is impossible for you to become independant immediately. What you need to do is take up some self improving activity, some course or trade, as others have mentioned. You need to get yourself a job, and at least some semblence of independency will follow.

I feel sorry for you because you have been denied a fulfilling life by your parents by their corruption of you from a time when you were too young to know any better.

Good luck and I hope you have the strength to break your addiction with meaningless objects and experiences