Domestic Abuse (Advise needed)

Snowie

Hi guys and girls

I've got a close friend, this is some one I care about.. Im doing this with her
consent.... She can read this when she's ready and post when shes ready..

I've a friend an amazing friend actully she pretty much RAWKS it..

But she's in a position that she should'nt be in... Im posting this because I think in some case's it is to difficult for her to do it and well. As a friend its difficult but i can cope with it... Besides what are friends for...

The back ground
* She has a child with this person
* She has left him before
* She is experiencing a tough time

Shes in an abusive relationship, he treats this girl pretty badly, she left him because she was sick of things but, decied for the sake of the child to go back because she wants her child to have a dad.(Lots of lies about him wanting to be a better dad etc and he'l change his ways ).. he has'nt hes treating her the way he once was.. She's growing increasingly unhappy, so she's looking for advice from people who've been in that situation, are comfortable talking about it I know to a degree that some people work in helping other people in this situation... So advise help... etc is all welcomed


What can i do as friend well if she needs something all she gotta do is ask im unemployed so if she needs support a lift shoping done keeping an eye on her kid i can do that so im more then happy to help her in any way she needs bassicly Im her man crutch...

thanks

PCPhoto

theres a support group she needs to contact (dont have the details but a quick google should help)

O'Coonassa

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Shes in an abusive relationship,

Then she should GTFO.

Are you male btw?

aare

Permit me the luxury of being the first poster to say this?

What she needs is *OUT*.

...and then support from people who have been in the same position.

Tell her "Good Luck"?

445279.ie

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Shes in an abusive relationship, he treats this girl pretty badly, she left him because she was sick of things but, decied for the sake of the child to go back because she wants her child to have a dad.

If the dad is abusive to her what's stopping him being abusive to the child.

Child would be better off without an abusive father

Tell her to get out - now

star-pants

I'm sorry but I agree, get out now.

-He's abusive
-He's a liar
-He won't change

and one day his abuse may turn on the child too, and she could never live with that. I understand situations are tough and complicated but the best for both her & her child are to get away from him. Report him if necessary, get court orders for restricted access. Has she any family she could move in with for a while? Or even able to move out herself? I understand she wants a father in her childs life, but not with those consequences.

kdak

ok well the answer really is obvious BUT its not that simple for some people so theres a few things to consider first:


why does she want the kid to know their dad? if hes abusive does she really want him to be in her childs life or is it just a case of her not wanting to fight him on the issue?
its important that she figures this out herself.
it doesnt make her a bad person if she wants the dad out of the childs life til he stops his abusive behaviour, it would actually be a very brave thing to do.

if she leaves him and decides she wants the guy out of the childs life for good she needs to sort out some stuff:
does the dad have any legal rights over the child? guardianship/ custody? if they were never married he'd have to apply for these, if they were married then he'd have automatic guardianship. either way, if he does she needs to try get this removed through a court order.
in order to do this she'll need to state the reasons why. and with back up (doctors notes from if he ever hurt her/ evidence he hurt her or the child)
this may be really difficult to prove so get legal advice first. make sure she keeps some sort of record (even if you write it all down for her and keep it with you) of all the times he threatened/hurt her. but she'll more than likely have needed to report it all to the police so i dunno really, you might have to ask someone about that.
if he has no rights he may try to gain them through court which means she'll still need all of the above to fight him on the issue. even a lack of financial support can go against him, anything.

if she leaves him she can move in with friends etc. or if thats not an option there are homeless shelters all over ireland that will provide b&bs for mothers and children with nowhere to go so even if its a case of her having no money she'll always have somewhere to go.

do any of her other friends or family know whats going on?
just make sure she knows that its better for her child to have a happy and healthy mum than to have a mum thats in pain and a dad whos causing the pain. seriously, kids are brought up in so many different types of family structures these days its not gonna matter to the child as long as its loved.
and she'll forever regret it if the dad ever turned violent towards the child.
sorry im not much help. fair play to you for being such a good friend to her.

LegacyUser

Hi Snow-Monkey and your friend,

Regardless of how bad your friend thinks that things will be on her own with her child, imo it's nothing compared to how bad things could get if she stays with her current partner.

I lived with a man who started out verbally abusive, then became violent over a period of months, the relationship lasted approx. 2 years.

During the time I was with him, he escalated from verbal abuse (putting me down, destroying my confidence) to physical abuse (punching, kicking, dragging me up and down stairs, throwing things at me) to complete full on locking me in a flat for days on end.

I was terrified to admit how bad things were to friends and family, but after being locked in a flat for four days with no food, money etc, I rang my mum and next day my dad came and took me home.

Things didn't end there, for months afterwards I moved location frequently as he tended to find out where I was and it took approx six months to settle somewhere and feel safe.

Even after I left him he found me, followed me, and fractured my shoulder late one night after he followed me home from work and gave me a right thumping on the street.

For approx four years after I left him, my parents had to put up with regular calls from him, or concerning him and what he was doing/accidents he had been in etc.

Now given your friend has a child, does she really think that having a dad who is potentially capable of such behaviour around her child is worth it?

If she can get the guts up to leave and enlist the help of her family/friends, she will move on, and life will be better for her and her child.

As her friend, until she decides to move on, all you can do is be as supportive as possible, and potentially watch her spiral downwards.

Best of luck to you both, it's not easy being either of you.

LegacyUser

I worked with "victims" of abuse and you do have to be on your guard.

You shouldn't confuse abuse with unhappiness at the way her life has turned out.

I am not saying that this is the case with your friend. If your friend left her OH once she already knows an awful lot about the system and where to go for help than you do. There are also people who adjust to a cycle of "mutual abuse" which is very common.

She has to be prepared to seek help and if I were in your shoes and I am occasionally asked to help individualls I always say something like "here is the information but only come back to me if you genuinely intend to do something about it". Otherwise you just get burdened with their tales of woe and you are not equiped to deal with it. You need to be very firm on this to guard yourself against being "used" emotionally or financially or otherwise.

If she is being abused she should phone Womens Aid 1800 341 900 and here is a link to their services http://www.womensaid.ie/pages/services/nfh.htm

I wish your friend the best but the decision can only come from her.

Snowie

O'Coonassa wrote: »

Then she should GTFO.

Are you male btw?

I am yeah but whats that got to do with things ?


thanks folks she'le read it tomorrow....:)

Overheal

As undesirable as it may be to have your child grow up without a father, its much more dangerous to the child's well being to live in a broken home. Especially one in which abuse is taking place.

I could rant a mile on this point, but its common sense. If he is abusive to her there is every likelihood he will be abusive to the child: Hit the mother, hit the child; Force yourself upon the mother, force yourself upon the child; Insult the mother, insult the child. In all of those scenarios, the child develops complications as they grow up. Far more than half of the PIs in here could be easily tracked to parenthood and upbringing.

Find a stable environment for your child. Even if its a Single Parent Environment. Much better than the alternative.

dny123456

edit ... eh... what do i know.

LegacyUser

the woman won't leave because her friends and family tell her to or that she should, she knows this. she knows for her own saftey and that of her childs that she needs to and that she should but she wont until she's ready and feels she can survive it. fear of the unknown keeps her there. it kept me there

as a friend the best thing you can do is be there for her all the time without fail. it doesnt have to be anything huge or dramatic but let her talk when she needs to, let her know that there is always somewhere safe for her to stay either with you as a friend or in a safe place somewhere. make sure she knows she IS NOT alone! let her talk and be honest and know that she can talk and not be afraid

O'Coonassa

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I am yeah but whats that got to do with things ?

In my experience then thinking that 'he treats this girl pretty badly' can be led by your own penis.

What does he do exactly? Is it not pay her enough attention (as none of us ever do once we've got in their knickers) or is he slapping her around and yelling at her?

Beruthiel

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

she left him because she was sick of things but, decied for the sake of the child to go back because she wants her child to have a dad.

No where have you said what kind of abuse she is receiving.

However, staying with someone just for the sake of your child is a BIG no no.
Kids aren't stupid, they see everything
They will see abuse for what it is.
They will see an unhappy mother.

If they grow up in that enviroment, then they will believe that this is what you can expect from life.
They will be used to living in an unhappy household.
This will be normal for them.
As a result of wanting to be in a comfortable 'normal' situation, they will most likely pick a simular partner to their father when they grow up.
And so the cycle continues.

Tell your friend to get out, asap.
She and her child deserve to be happy and lead normal lives.

LegacyUser

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I've a friend an amazing friend actully she pretty much RAWKS it..

Im her man crutch...

O'Coonassa wrote: »

In my experience then thinking that 'he treats this girl pretty badly' can be led by your own penis.

Snow-Monkey I got to agree with O'Coonassa here,from the way you talk about her you seem to be getting involved more than you should,seems to me you are attracted to this girl and seem to want her to leave her partner for your own gain aswell as her safety.
You don't want to get involved in this more than you should be !

So she hasn't actually asked you to get involved in any way by the sounds of it as you say "IF she needs anything she knows to ask" so maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like she hasn't let you do anything for her.

Now to me that sounds like she doesn't want you involved psychically i.e going round bringing her here and there/minding her child etc but only wants to talk to you for a shoulder to cry on so and it also sounds like you haven't met her from your post too ?
Why can't she post about this problem herself ? as she seems to know about Boards and PI as you said "she will read it tomorrow etc" and "she'll post back" so would it not be best if she talked about it here herself rather than getting you do it ?

nesbitt

Snow Monkey, your friend needs to realise that she is abused and take necessary action herself to end the abuse. This is the key to solving her situation.

www.cosc.ie is a very good government website for abused people and can be an eyeopener to admiting that you are in fact abused.

All you can do as you said in your OP is be there for her as a friend, but be careful that she does not use you as a crutch and thus avoid getting out of this bad relationship whilst she has you in the wings for support.

Like anyone with an issue half the battle is getting them to the point when THEY see that enough is enough. Lucky gal to have a friend who is interested and willing to help.

LegacyUser

OP - I hope your friend comes back here.

I could have wrote your post word for word two years ago. I was in a horrible crappy crappy relationship. Only in it for the sake of my son. The things I used to put up were unreal (which I wont go into now) and I knew in my heart that I needed to get out of.

I did leave with the baby after a particularly bad night, but went back a week later. I will never ever understand why. For the baby mostly, but Id say it was out of familiarity and habit.

I was such a mess and a big chicken that I often wondered what he'd do next to find an excuse to leave (and there always was one, but I never acted on it. Was too scared of being on my own)

Then, he left me. The feeling of relief was unreal. Knew I could get on with my life and found an inner strength (think my dad let me see sense after the crap I went through when he did actually leave). The he wanted me back..saying the only reason why he left was "because I wanted you to beg for me to come back"...erm...tough luck mate..I felt liek I had the upper hand and it made me stronger to tell him to fook off.

OK things have been far more than plain sailing since, BUT im a bigger person now...I know that if he hadnt have done it, I never would..which scares the crap outta me, but I know never to get into the same situation again, and I have a new bf now and have never been so happy with everything.

Your friend has realised that she is in a bad place with her relationship..which is good, but to put it bluntly, needs to grown a backbone and actually do something about it, for her sake and her childs sake! But the first step is there!

If her partner is violent/has anger issues, she can get a protection/barring order...it wont be easy, but it will be soooooo worth it to get her life back and make things better for the child (which will actually have noticed)!

If she comes on and wants a chat, I would be more than willing to talk to her about my experiences and listen to her, just say and Ill pm you under my normal username.

Best of luck to her!

Snowie

Unreg+1 wrote: »

Snow-Monkey I got to agree with O'Coonassa here,from the way you talk about her you seem to be getting involved more than you should,seems to me you are attracted to this girl and seem to want her to leave her partner for your own gain aswell as her safety.
You don't want to get involved in this more than you should be !

maybe you need to stop analising everything...

So she hasn't actually asked you to get involved in any way by the sounds of it as you say "IF she needs anything she knows to ask" so maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like she hasn't let you do anything for her.

She has'nt yet she talking to me about her problems shes coming to me to talk to about them about something I know nothing or little about !!! How FVCKING DARE you have the ordasity to question booth my integrity and what im doing... :rolleyes:

Now to me that sounds like she doesn't want you involved psychically i.e going round bringing her here and there/minding her child etc but only wants to talk to you for a shoulder to cry on so and it also sounds like you haven't met her from your post too ?
Why can't she post about this problem herself ? as she seems to know about Boards and PI as you said "she will read it tomorrow etc" and "she'll post back" so would it not be best if she talked about it here herself rather than getting you do it ?

I'm going to say two things number one if your a member which il happily asume you are Pm me!!! and the other again asumtions :rolleyes:

as for the other person who said the exact same thing


and il question the mod up front who allows a post that attacking me and my integriuty becausee it ****ing out of order!!!!!

Victor

OK, relax, I think you are over-reacting, getting abusive won't get us anywhere.