My boyfriend wont talk to me about our future

LegacyUser

Hi all
So a bit of background about our relationship, we are both 26, we have been together 6years, live together 3years. we have a great relationship.
But i am ready to move the relationship to the next level, or at least i want to talk about our future together.

So about a year ago i brought up the topic of marriage and kids, my boyfriend was a bit shocked that i was thinking about these thing with us being "so young"!

so a year on i didn't bring it up again until this weekend, thinking he obviously isn't ready so no need to rush these things..

The thing is I want to start a family soon in the next yr or 2, financially we can afford it and we have traveled the world together, completed additional course after college etc. done everything we both wanted to do in our early 20's so i think we are in a good situation to start a family soon.

So again i brought this up in conversation recently, my boyfriend still thinks we are too young to even talk about these things..
fair enough alot of ppl our age would hate the thoughts of settling down at 26 but the problem is i want to settle down soon, so i think he should at least talk to me about his feelings about this now instead of just staying we will talk bout in 3yrs..

I know from his reaction he obviously isn't ready for marriage or kids now and i have no intention of rushing him into something as serious as this but i would still like to know where i stand.
I guess i'm just a little worried that after 6years of being together he still has no intentions of marrying me in the near future and he wont open up and talk to me about it.

Is there anyone out there in the same situation as me?
I would just like to know if other couples talk opening about marriage and there future and should i encourage him to open up and to talk about this or let him alone for another year or 2 and hope that when he is ready he will talk to me about it?

Thanks in advance for your help

eveie

Hi Op
tbh i dont think its fair that your OH wont discuss the matter with you. is he afraid of committment?
also do you own the place you live in? i awlays find it strange when a couple will take out a mortage together for 30 years but when the "marraige" word is said, they think its too much of a serious step yet they have signed contratcs to pay a mortage for 30 yrs.
anyway 6 years is a long time together, you really need to tell him that you want to see your relationship progress, and how you want children ect. most couples talk about these things, its only natural. a few friends of mine have recently broken up with their OH'S because they were not willing to commit.
if you were with your OH for say only a year and you wanted the relationship to progress then it would prob be too soon, but you've spent 6 years together, dont waste time, talk to him, he mite be of the opinion that he doesnt want to get married. just talk to him, you deserve to know what his ideas for the future are

LegacyUser

eveie wrote: »

I know from his reaction he obviously isn't ready for marriage or kids now and i have no intention of rushing him into something as serious as this but i would still like to know where i stand.

You already do know where he stands. He doesn't want to get married and have kids yet.

The guy is only 26 and that is a very young age to have kids and get married at these days.

I wouldn't make an issue out of this. There is no need to cause friction in the relationship over this. Unfortunately for you, you may just have to wait a few more years until he is psychologically ready for this.

Be patient. He obviously loves you after spending 6 years together.

Gyalist

He obviously loves you after spending 6 years together.

Not necessarily true. Some people stay in relationships because of sheer inertia, or because of fear of the unknown, or a myriad of reasons other than love.

I am not saying that that is what is happening here. I'm just trying to correct your assertion that because a couple are in a long relationship that it must be because of love.

herya

Gyalist wrote: »

Not necessarily true. Some people stay in relationships because of sheer inertia, or because of fear of the unknown, or a myriad of reasons other than love.

I am not saying that that is what is happening here. I'm just trying to correct your assertion that because a couple are in a long relationship that it must be because of love.

I agree. Sometimes they stay in a relationship which is "good enough" then someone "better" comes along the way and they are off in a split second and don't look back.

I don't think it's unreasonable to try to establish whether their relationship is really serious or maybe one of these "tagging along" things. It doesn't mean that he has to propose tomorrow or that they have to start making children straightaway. 26 yo for many is young for starting a family. But I don't think it's too young to discuss possibly starting a family in the future - or not.

They should discuss their plans whatever they are; if he tells her that (for example) he does not want children at all that's a very important information for a girl who definitely wants to start a family.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

I'm just trying to correct your assertion that because a couple are in a long relationship that it must be because of love.

I do agree, although in my original post I was just trying to be supportive.

LegacyUser

Hi Op
I hate the way most people think that 26 is too young to start a family these days. It does depend on the person and the relationship of course but 26 is not too young at all.
You sound like you have both done everything that you want to and that is great. You have a mature attitude to this whole thing to but I think you need to explain to your boyfriend how important it is for him to tell you that he does want to get married and have a family, maybe not straight away, but it is still reassuring to hear these things from your partner.
If he doesn't want these things at all then i think it is best you talk about it now.

Oh The Humanity

Beware of being the 'understanding girlfriend' too long. I've seen it happen a couple of times where the person didn't want to pressure the other.

In one situation the person waited for her man to 'be ready' for 18 years, when she hit her late 30's and it became apparent he would never be ready, well they squeezed out the obligatory emergency kid.

He admitted to her afterwards that he would have fobbed her off for ever if she hadn't eventually been just about to leave.

Another has been in two long termers and waited until the bloke was ready, had to end both, the bloke was never going to be ready......with her...


Yes, there can be cases where the person is simply just not ready and thats fine. But there are also those cases where the person is biding their time with the person, like someone above said through inertia and has no real interest in procreating with them.

Dont be afraid to let him know you are serious, if you are. Because too often people wait and are dissappointed.

I really think if a person doesn't want kids with someone they should say so clearly and not hide behind 'Im not ready' -I know its tempting and we have all probably done it, still, its not big and its not clever!

bluecell99

I wouldagree with some of the previous posters.While 26 is a young age I believe that being with someone for six years and living together for three more than justifies the future committment conversation.

You have to carefully consider his responses as you as an individual are surely entitled to have some idea of where things lie.Using the age thing is a bit of a cop out and I also have known people where they waited and waited only to realise that the OH has no intention of ever marrying or having children.

Whats the big problem for him??Many people were married before this age and had children.Ye are obviously suited and are lucky to have found each other at such a young age.Many others dont have the same chance and long for a committed relationship.For some it never happens.

All you can do is try to establish what lies behind his present position and see is it based on fear,youth or what.Personally I dont think it is a big deal to waith another couple of years but I would need to be pretty clear about the ultimate intention.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I completely understand where your coming from. I am almost 28 and I met my boyfriend when I was nineteen. We are from different sides of the country so We had a long distance relationship for four years while I was at college. I have to admit he was fantastic doing all the traveling etc as I was broke.

Once I qualified and got a bit of experience I moved to Dublin to be close to him and things were brilliant. We get on brilliantly and have a really close relationship, but we wanted different things, I wanted to buy a house and settle down (really had enough of sharing with people) and he didn't feel ready to tie himself to a mortgage, I was in the position to be able to buy by myself so I bought a small house, suitable for both of us work wise and we moved in together (the house is in my name but we split bills including mortgage down the middle). It has worked out really well and I consider this to be our house and not just mine.

Move on a couple of years and once again I want more, I really want more from this relationship, I feel its time we think of our future together, marriage and planning kids at some stage, after a few heartbreaking times when I honestly thought he was about to pop the question and didn't I brought it up and it had never crossed his mind. It was something he hoped would happen in the future but wasn't ready, even though he was 28 he felt more like 18. I was devastated but knew he loved me and I loved him too, so I decided he was worth waiting for.

That was 2 years ago and I'm glad I did, I have found it hard and there have been moments where I wanted to kill him, but coming close to his 30th birthday he has finally caught up to me and wants to get married and try and build a family home for us as we're living in a 2 bed. This is a bit difficult at the moment as the recession has had a huge effect on us financially, but I love him more than I thought possible and I know he feels the same for me and I'd marry him in the morning without all trappings.

This turned out to be a lot longer than I expected and I'm sorry I rambled but my point is as long as you have the same ideas in the long run then I think Its worth sticking it out. Have a chat with him and see if its something that he see in the future and if it is then I'd say sit tight because if you love him you don't need a diamond for it to be real, and hopefully he grows up sooner rather that later!

Nitxteha

If what you want is to get married and have kids, tell him. It's your life too.

If he's not interested, it's a shame, but better to know sooner than later, don't let him waste your time. I agree with the others, sometimes people are just "comfortable" in a relationship.

A couple should have the same goals in life if they don't, maybe their time is up.

Gyalist

Hmmm, OP if I were you I wouldn't start measuring the curtains just yet.

You seem to have a roadmap of where you want to be at every year of your life but most people don't lead such organized lives. You two have been together for all of your adult life and I noticed that you said that you both travelled the world together. Has your boyfriend ever been able to do anything on his own? Has he ever had a go at independent living? Are you the one driving the relationship? By that I mean are you the one who makes the major decisions and then he just falls in line.

He may well be looking with envy at his single friends who have had totally different life experiences to his. While 26 isn't too young to think about getting married, the reality is that in most Western societies it is seen as age when you should still be enjoying a period of extended adolescence.

Edit: to many men, "open up" = hand over your balls.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I have a similar story to a recent post here, and I was like u a few years ago - sorry though, my story doesn't end well.

My view is that, at 26 years old maybe your BF genuienly isn't ready for marriage and kids but maybe he will in a few years. He may just need some time. I do think however, that unless you clarify this situation with your BF it will lead to insecurities and issues in your relationship. Trust me, I know! Being there, done that and wore the T-shirt......

Here is my story, but please, know its not my intention to tell you what to do, but I feel I was in your situation a number of years ago.

I met my BF in school, we went out for 13 years. Had such fun, madly in love, went to college together and started to work. My BF went off to do a Masters and we continued our relationship (long distance for 2 years). When he came back, were were 26 years old, but had jobs in different parts of the country. We thought it was time to take our relationship to next level, so i gave up my job and moved to be with him.

I bought a house (my BF wasn't financially ready), we moved in together - happy out! One problem, I could never get my BF to discusss our future He wasn't ready to talk marriage. I loved him, so left the issue and brought it up some time later. Again he wasn't ready to talk. The same thing happened every so often. The thing was, i wasn't asking him to get married straight away, I felt it was normal to talk about your future and make exciting plans together. At this stage, 28 years old, it led to a lot of insecurities with me and our relationship and it became a source of rows between us every number of months. Because I loved him, I kept letting it go but it really bothered me. Here I was in 10year relationship and I couldn't discuss my future with my partner.

Well, a month after my 30th birthday, we had a row and I told him I deserved to know where things were going or was I wasting time. He told me he wasn't ready for marriage and maybe in a few years. He had no idea what he wanted. It just wasn't enough for me, I wasn't prepared to take the chance of waiting another 2-3years for commintment, so we broke up. I guess I should've seen this coming - I was making all the major decisions in the relationship.

I look back now, and even as i write this, i think I should've took a stand earlier. But I didn't want to be forcing him and I loved him so much (still do!).

Anyway, thats my story and as a result, I'm trying to come to terms with my breakup.
But there is another post here, quite similar but one that has a happy ending.

One regret I have, is that i didn't listen to my gut feeling, it was screaming at me at 28years old!!

My advice, listen to your gut, try clarify the situation with your BF, give him time but don't let this become and issue - it will destroy your relationship.

Gud luck

Shivers26

While I do think that 26 is young to get married, every relationship is different and 6 years is a long time to be together. You should be at least able to discuss the future of your relationship at this point.

I am 26 and in a relationship 4 years. I have one child from a previous relationship and we have one together. We are ready to get married and are engaged, just cant afford it right now but we do openly talk about our hopes for the future.

Ask him what he wants? You have shared a lot of experiences together so its not like you missed out on anything. However there is no point is pushing for children if both people are not on board. Talk to him and see what he wants, tell him what you want and listen to each other.

claiva

Nitxteha wrote: »

A couple should have the same goals in life if they don't, maybe their time is up.

There it is I'm afraid.
The head of the nail being hit.
Unfortunately, if this guy is not even willing to discuss something this important to you with you its because YOU are not that important to him.

I went out with some nice girls who I thought I was in love with......until I met my wife now of 8 years !!!
I was 26 and KNEW without question that if I didn't marry her someone else would soon snap her up - point being age is irrelevant.
She made it clear to me as soon as we entered the "I love you" stage that she wanted marriage kids etc. I had never considered this before with anyone, but did not hesitate in agreeing that this was now also my wish - WITH HER.

BTW - 95% of my bloke mates would be delighted to never get married etc......their pastimes would suffer too much and lets face it - us blokes are a very selfish lot !

Good luck with him though :eek:

prinz

Age really is irrelevant.

Maturity on the other hand is very relevant. The fact that he won't even discuss this with the OP shows he's not the most mature of 26 year olds. He's 26 for crying out loud not 16. Sorry to be harsh to the OP but I wouldn't waste any more time on someone who obviously puts no thought into their future, and isn't even considering the wishes of his girlfriend of 6 years.