I'm in the doghouse... help?

Unregaccount

Me and the OH of 4 years had a falling out, basiclly Ive been an idiot for the last few weeks and as a result Ive hurt her deeply. She broke up with me a few days ago and to say Im heartbroken is an understatement.

Anyway Ive tried turning up with flowers and trying to get back with her that way. Im contemplating meeting her after work tomorrow as a surprise maybe with a box of chocolates and a rose...

Has anyone any suggestions on how to get her back?

I know my explanation of why we broke up is very vauge but if i was to explain it I would be here all night, basiclly Ive been unstable with college and work since she's known me, as a result my moods go up and down, I dont take my moods out on her or anything like that but I do get very down and as a result she worries too much, she says she's basiclly sick of crying over me.

Any help is appreciated here guys.

RossFixxxed

Show her by example, flowers etc aren't worth crap if you're not gonna work on the issues that have her crying (assuming they are justified and she's not trying to change you totally)....

Go for professional help, take up some interests, improve your life and show her you are DOING something about it.

good luck

(also the fact she is crying shows there are strong feelings there so all is not lost)

Oh The Humanity

Don't give her chocolates. Thats tantamount to sticking a plaster on a weeping wound.

By the sounds of things you were self absorbed and taken her for granted.

People will take that kind of mistreatment until they break and usually when they do they'll have given chance after chance.

So dont underestimate the job in hand. Im guessing she wants to burn her bridges with you rather than just give you a scare, but from the way you seem to think it can be patched up with daisies and chocs I dont think its really registered with you how far things have gone.

Forget the cheesy gestures. Try to get your head around where things are at.

Unregaccount

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Show her by example, flowers etc aren't worth crap if you're not gonna work on the issues that have her crying (assuming they are justified and she's not trying to change you totally)....

Go for professional help, take up some interests, improve your life and show her you are DOING something about it.

good luck

(also the fact she is crying shows there are strong feelings there so all is not lost)

Thanks for the quick reply. No, she's completely justified in this, I have been acting totally out of character for me lately, doing stupid things like going drinking with the lads when I havnt enough money for credit to text her and buying stupid things. I realise now (when its probarbly too late) that I need to grow up and be the man she deserves, for the last few days we have been texting Im showing her that Im getting on with things like my studying for final exams and projects with college, all the while Im actually torn inside out.

I cant even describe how much I miss her, I want to see her. Is it a good idea to go and see her and tell her that I realise how much of a fool Ive been and that its time to change or am I fooling myself by thinking that I can get her back, she's pretty adament that Its over yet I know she still has feeling for me.

kittenkiller

I've got to agree with Fixxxed.
If she's broken up with you because she can't take the stress of caring for you anymore, you have to show her you're a grown up now and don't need to be worried about to that extent.
The best thing you can do is work on yourself, fix your issues, stay in touch with her so she can see how well you're doing and see about a reconcilliation in a few months.

However, flowers are always good!

Unregaccount

I know flowers/chocolates cant fix what I've put her through (hell as she describes it). I totally agree with her, ive been too self absorbed as "Oh The Humanity" described. Im at breaking point myself, I have important exams in 2 weeks time and have to do well in them to pass the year. Ive had an awful few months with money, was a mix up with my grant and lost my part time job so Ive been miserable for months, this has obviously had an effect on her.

The thing is, I've gotten my grant and my taxback and im more than sorted with money until I can get a summer job again, so basicly the reason Ive been depressed has now dissappeared, Id be happy out if I had her back, she's the most important thing to me, shes my best friend too.

What to do.

Oryx

Unregaccount wrote: »

Id be happy out if I had her back, she's the most important thing to me, shes my best friend too.

What to do.

Tell her that, for a start. Go sparingly on the grand gestures, there is a chance that could backfire. Best bet is ask her to meet and chat to you. Find out what her feelings are, whether she really has had enough of you, or whether she has just had enough of the miserable person you have been, mostly.

If there is a chance with her, ask HER what you need to do. She knows better than anyone here ever will.

CDfm

So you say you get moody and have mood swings. Enough to make her cry must be intense.

No way to live.

Do you mind me asking have you ever spoken to your GP or anyone about it.

It seems to me that all the crying should have prompted you to act but know now that you should act irrespective of her. You need to get this under control for you and your own happiness/life too.

You should make these arrangements to get it checked out and that would trump your grand gestures.

It would also give you credibility -if you tell her.

Unregaccount

CDfm wrote: »

So you say you get moody and have mood swings.

Do you mind me asking have you ever spoken to your GP or anyone about it.

It seems to me that all the crying should have prompted you to act but know that you should act irrespective of her

I havnt talked to my GP about it to be honest. I get down, but I know exactly why I get down, its been because Ive had no money lately, nothing, Im talking about living on 30/40 euro a week, owing my landlord a heap of money, therefore avoiding him, tax is out on the car also, just EVERYTHING got me stressed, its all sorted now and I feel like a hugh weight has been lifted off my shoulders... but its all for nothing if I dont have her, does that make sence?

CDfm

Unregaccount wrote: »

I havnt talked to my GP about it to be honest. I get down, but I know exactly why I get down, its been because Ive had no money lately, nothing, Im talking about living on 30/40 euro a week, owing my landlord a heap of money, therefore avoiding him, tax is out on the car also, just EVERYTHING got me stressed, its all sorted now and I feel like a hugh weight has been lifted off my shoulders... but its all for nothing if I dont have her, does that make sence?

It was a temporary blip then.

It is for something you might ask her if she wants to go out over the weekend somewhere really cheap - like a gallery or a walk with the deer in phoenix park. Bring a picnic and flask.

budgeting and a bit of rainy day money attitude may help you avoid stress:D

it might be fun too.

Unregaccount

CDfm wrote: »

It was a temporary blip then.

It is for something you might ask her if she wants to go out over the weekend somewhere really cheap - like a gallery or a walk with the deer in phoenix park. Bring a picnic and flask.

budgeting and a bit of rainy day money attitude may help you avoid stress:D

it might be fun too.

Yes, a temporary blip.

I was actually thinking of picking her up from work tomorrow and taking her to the beach, of course ill get the ice cream! Thing is, im really scared to ask her is it ok for me to do this in case I get shot down (very likely), so I was thinking of just kind of 'turning up'... flowers in hand.

Im actually really sorry, Ive told her this already, 100 times, I genuienly have f**ked up bigtime, I realise this, I want her back, Im totally willing to change and get my crap together, Its all about her, I love her and would do anything for just that walk on the beach with her, Pretty unbearable texting her about just random stuff right now and not being able to tell her that I love her or able to organise stuff to do with her at the weekend, miss her...

I want to show her that Im ok now and all my problems were down to on thing, It was the worst thing ive ever had to do was watch her cry the other day, I mean she was in pieces over me, I dont want to hurt her again, she worries too much over me, I always end up fine.

CDfm

the flowers may embarrass and the work thing uninvited.

even text her an ask her would she like to go for a walk on the beach.

why not tell her just like you posted - im sure she would like to know if you meet up.

dont expect everything to happen quickly but plan to do some nice things this weekends that are free and do them anyway to keep busy- avoid pubs and clubs

so a text about the beach for now might just be enough- remember you cant predict what will happen but if you start doing the stuff you intend to do - she may like it.

AngryBadger

I think you should leave her alone OP. If ye were together for 4 years then you obviously behaved like a massive jerk if she decided to break up with you.

So the situation is that she's clearly indicated that she doesn't want to get back with you, so instead of leaving her be and maybe working on a friendship with her you're planning to start sending her flowers and turning up at her place of work. IMO that's stalker behaviour.

Moreover, you're obviously not in control of yourself of your life if you know what it is that causes these "mood swings" and yet you still indulge them, still make the same mistakes, and haven't spoken to a professional about it.

People have this idea in their head that you can always go back, get a do-over, a second chance. That's not how it works, for one thing she your behaviour wasn't a once off, whatever you did it's clear it was a recurring problem, and though you may not have realised it, every time you went on the lash when you were broke or whatever you were burning up another chance.

Leave this girl alone, accept that she no longer wants you as a romantic partner, get on with your life and get some professional help if you can't control these "mood swings".

CDfm

AngryBadger wrote: »

I think you should leave her alone OP. If ye were together for 4 years then you obviously behaved like a massive jerk if she decided to break up wiith you ............Leave this girl alone, accept that she no longer wants you as a romantic partner, get on with your life and get some professional help if you can't control these "mood swings".

WOW AB - thats angry even for a badger.

I think the OP knows he has done wrong and wants to improve.

OP you need to look after yourself too which is why you should do nice things. IMMA( Irish Museum of Modern Art) in Dublin is nice if you live here but its closed on Bank Holidays.

AngryBadger

CDfm wrote: »

WOW AB - thats angry even for a badger.

I think the OP knows he has done wrong and wants to improve.

Maybe it is, and maybe he is, to me though reading through his posts his chief concern seems to be how hard this is FOR HIM, and not how much he's upset his now-ex.

Anyway, if I'm wrong I'm wrong, but if I'm right...

CDfm

AngryBadger wrote: »

Maybe it is, and maybe he is, to me though reading through his posts his chief concern seems to be how hard this is FOR HIM, and not how much he's upset his now-ex.

Anyway, if I'm wrong I'm wrong, but if I'm right...

Ya must have been a romantic once.

OP needs to grow inside and mature and maybe concider what he did wrong and reflect on why that upset his OH. Lets face it change for change sake is no good.

OP -quick question -did you party much dude?

LegacyUser

Definitely just asking to meet up for coffee and a chat is the best way to go. But make sure you know what you want to say before you see her. I know myself that I get all tongue tied and go around in circles trying to explain how I'm feeling, so it's best to have a plan. Make sure you recognise the behaviour too, not just keep saying your sorry. If you're going to change some aspects make sure you say this, and how you'll do it. Show her you have a plan to get this right. I know it seems formal, but at least it will show her you are taking this seriously and want to get sorted out. Saying sorry is always good but she probably is just afraid of getting hurt the same way again, so show her she won't!

If she won't meet you, a letter might be a good way to get through to her, instead of constant gestures etc that may annoy her after a while. Just write down how you feel just like you did here! And tell her how much she means to you. Send her the letter and leave it at that. You'll have put yourself out there and if she doesn't respond at least you let her know exactly what's going on in your head.

AngryBadger

CDfm wrote: »

OP needs to grow inside and mature and maybe concider what he did wrong and reflect on why that upset his OH. Lets face it change for change sake is no good.

Agreed with one minor change; he needs to do it away from this girl.

Unregaccount

Thanks for all the replies lads. Maybe I do need to do my improving away from her, I honestly think Id get worse though without her though.

AngryBadger you are speaking a lot of sence, your probarbly right, maybe ive burned up all my chances.

I cant let her just go though... not without showing her that Im truly sorry and that I know I plan to sort myself out, I've written down on paper exactly I need to sort myseslf out with, should I show her the list and start crossing things off as i sort them...

I just want her back.

Nevyn

Op your destructive behaviour used up all the love this girl had for you to the point it broke something inside her so that for her own mental and emotional well being she had to break up with you and put you out of her life.

You can't fix this, you can't un do it, you can't make it better so you feel less shít about yourself as a person.

What you can do is go work on yourself and the root issues that have you behaving like this so you never again treat another person as badly as you treated her.

Leave her alone and let her heal.

Unregaccount

Thaedydal wrote: »

Op your destructive behaviour used up all the love this girl had for you to the point it broke something inside her so that for her own mental and emotional well being she had
to break up with you and put you out of her life.

You can't fix this, you can't un do it, you can't make it better so you feel less shít about yourself as a person.

What you can do is go work on yourself and the root issues that have you behaving like this so you never again treat another person as badly as you treated her.

Leave her alone and let her heal.

Thats just torn me apar t

Nevyn

Unregaccount you can't turn back time.
You can only look to going forward yourself.
If you do not acknowledge your mistakes you will repeat them.

You can't fix her you can only fix yourself, start by going to you college dr and talking
about what is going on with you and if needs be get a referal to your college counsellor.

You can write all the letters you want and tell her anything but nothing compares
to actually doing those things. Words are just words and she prolly has hear you say
all sorts of things, by your deeds you will be known.

Let her heal, get yourself sorted and when who knows what may happen.

LegacyUser

Dude, sounds like you messed up here...
but everyone does at some point...
Forget buying her stuff, write her a note or letter.
If she really means so much to you, you'll be able to put it into words no problem..
She'll love the idea of you reaching into yourself and pulling out your true feelings onto paper...
If that doesn't work. Move on. If you meant the same to her she'd come after you.
If she can't except that you made a mistake and want to fix it then its in her hands to put things back into action. If she doesn't do that, moving on works better sooner rather than later.
Hope things work out (:

Wibbs

AngryBadger and Thaed put it right on the money IHMO.

Unregaccount wrote: »

Maybe I do need to do my improving away from her, I honestly think Id get worse though without her though.

The first part of that sentence is dead right, for the simple reason that you went and wrote the second part. If you can't be OK on your own, you will never and I mean never be OK with another in your life. Trust me on this. Look most of us at some time or another reckoned having another around is what will help us or heal us or make us better. Yes they may appear to help, but that's a self delusion, a smokescreen to the real issue and the real solution. It's you, it's always you that makes the improvement.

Most of us are self centered to some degree or other. Some are much more than others. We want people in our lives, lovers especially as crutches and all too often emotional punchbags to do the work we should be doing.

I cant let her just go though...

You have to. If you don't and by some miracle you get her back, you will have lost the chance to get yourself back. The what happens? The same stuff will kick off again, as you've not learned about yourself. I'll put money on it.

not without showing her that Im truly sorry and that I know I plan to sort myself out, I've written down on paper exactly I need to sort myseslf out with, should I show her the list and start crossing things off as i sort them...

Show yourself you're truly sorry. Show yourself the list. Show yourself you are willing to sort yourself out. If there was ever love there she will see it. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but if you do learn who you are as a man, she will see it. She may very well not get back with you, but strange as it may seem at the moment in your emotional panic, that's not the point. Change for you and change for the better and more than her will see it and know it to be true. Most of all you will.

I just want her back.

OK you're in emotional panic now. But ask yourself why you want her back. Is it how she makes you feel? Is it how you feel you will be better with her? Is it to stop the feelings of loss in your heart? Look, really look at your reasonings for having her back, I would bet the farm that almost all of them are self centered reasons. Now... where is she in all of that? See my point. Its mostly if not all about you and how you feel. "But I love her!" "I want her back!" "It's hurting me so much!" This is not love. It really isn't.

If you truly love someone and you being in their life, is worse for them than you not being, then you let them go and be happy. Now it is hard. I know I've done it once and it wasn't in circumstances like this and she didn't want to leave me as she loved me, but I loved her and if I had stayed in her life she wouldn't have been able to take advantage of a life changing opportunity to be happier(too long and personal a story for now). So I let her go. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do emotionally and I've been through a few mad times:D. She wasn't happy about my decison and both of us had broken hearts from it, but in the end she did take that opportunity on the back of it and she has gone on to have a wonderful life and any pain I felt then has been well replaced by the pride and happiness I have now for the woman she's become. I rarely hear from her now, but when I do she has often thanked me for it and she is under no illusion that she was loved.

The moral of the story is I forgot about my needs and looked at her needs and the bigger picture. This was no martyrdom on my part either. It was a logical thing as much as it could be and on a selfish note I learned from it too.

You need to heal. She defo needs to heal and you can't do that for each other and you cant do that when you're still in each others lives. So if you truly love her and yourself, then let her be happy and let yourself be happy too.

My 2 cents anyway and the best of luck to you in this hard journey ahead. It will be worth it in the end though.

Unregaccount

Thanks lads... Im probarbly supposed to leave here now and take on board the advice ye have given me, I often read through these threads and find it hard to accept when ye pull out the words me and I as Wibbs just did that ye understand what the OP, in this case me, is actually going through.

This girl, I couldnt care more for her honestly, without putting her on a pedistal, as I know is common in these circumstances - I just know that she's the girl for me, I honestly could not see a better more compatible person out there for me, she's not my first girlfriend by any means, Im not a youngfella or anything, I just feel that if I let her slip so far away by not keeping in contact and trying to get her back Ill loose her forever and I dont want that.

Its probarbly the wrong thing to do but, Im going to meet her tomorrow, not straight after work, but later in the evening for a chat.

I know I came looking for advice and it seems like Im throwing it back in all your faces now and Im sorry for that, ye have definately given me a different perspective on this and I realise now how much Ive actually hurt her now, at the start of the thread even though I said i knew I hurt her a lot I actually still thought in the back of my head that she was overreacting a bit, I was so wrong, I dont deserve her anymore, but I gotta try.

BubbleWrap85

Yes, you have gotta try. F*ck it, love is so rare these days, if you love this girl, then try your best [without being pushy and forceful] to get her back. As said already, you need to show her you're making changes. Words aren't enough. She needs to see actions. Maybe she won't take you back straight away - that doesn't mean you put your plans for self improvement on hold. She may be testing you to see if you'll follow through with them before she gets back with you. After 4 years together, you've clearly got a lot of history. She can't have made this decision lightly, and if it truly is just over your moods and behaviours as of late then maybe things can be rectified. You have to do your best for you and hope that it will be enough to convince her. It's very easy to make promises and gestures when you realise what you've lost, but time will tell down the line whether you mean it or not. You need to be determined not to get back into this rut again where she feels she has no other option but to break up with you.

On a final note, if you love someone enough, you'll let them go if that's what they really want. If she's happier without you, you need to respect her decision and accept your mistakes.

Wibbs

Unregaccount wrote: »

I often read through these threads and find it hard to accept when ye pull out the words me and I as Wibbs just did that ye understand what the OP, in this case me, is actually going through.

Yep I do. I would not speak for others but I've been there. All I can say is this head; fools make mistakes and don't learn from them, clever people make mistakes and learn from them, wise people look at the mistakes of others, learn from them and don't make the same mistakes themselves. I also realise that this is easy to say. I realise that sometimes the path to wisdom is littered with fúckups more than personal clarity. I've had more of the former than the latter too. So I'm not dismissing how you feel.

Advice is a funny thing. It's all too often coming from issues within oneself, it's rarely completely objective and it's even more rarely taken, so as a thing to give it's often fruitless. Yet we have the compulsion to give it regardless. I see that as a good sign, though maybe thats just me.

All I can say to you is you're still in panic mode, still more concerned with how you feel and what this love and loss of it will mean to you, even in this last post.

Still I wish you the best and I honestly hope you prove me and others wrong in this.

Good luck

CDfm

I understand what Wibbs is saying -if your OH was upset can you add something positive to her life.

Yes you should do your improving in your own time.

Unregaccount

Unregaccount wrote: »

I know I came looking for advice and it seems like Im throwing it back in all your faces now and Im sorry for that, ye have definately given me a different perspective on this

Sometimes a different perspective is enough. And I've come to think that (for a lot of people) simply writing their posts and reading the feedback means they leave with a clearer head, whether or not they follow the advice they're given.

Which brings me to my own advice You mentioned something about writing earlier and I was going to suggest a good, old-fashioned letter ... sampling some of the self-criticism and positive intentions you've expressed in this thread. I know you're planning to meet your ex now, so maybe keep some of the choicer realisations to hand and put them to her.

And no, don't give up yet.

kittenkiller

Unregaccount wrote: »

The thing is, I've gotten my grant and my taxback and im more than sorted with money until I can get a summer job again, so basicly the reason Ive been depressed has now dissappeared, Id be happy out if I had her back, she's the most important thing to me, shes my best friend too.

What to do.

You need to sort the underlying issue before you go back to her declaring that you've been fixed!
If you get that stressed about money, then the next time it's an issue you'll be stressed again and your poor girlfriend'll be back to square one only there'll be no cause to give you a second chance this time.

I know money worries are awful and make you feel like sh*t, but you can't bottle it up and take it out on the people you care about.
It's not fair on them.

Unregaccount

OP here again. I couldnt meet her today after work as she said she was going shopping, didnt want to ruin her plans ok. Text her earlier today and Ive still gotten no reply at all, ive a million and one thoughts going through my head right now. Im shaking all over, i honestly would love to fall asleep and not wake up, this is a nightmare.

Gyalist

Unregaccount wrote: »

OP here again. I couldnt meet her today after work as she said she was going shopping, didnt want to ruin her plans ok. Text her earlier today and Ive still gotten no reply at all, ive a million and one thoughts going through my head right now. Im shaking all over, i honestly would love to fall asleep and not wake up, this is a nightmare.

How much clearer do you want the message to be before you get it into your head that the relationship is over? women don't just walk away from a 4-year relationship on a whim. You've said that it was your behaviour in the past few weeks that caused it but i happen to think that it's much more than that.

Anyway, the fact that she flaked on meeting up with you and isn't responding to your texts is all the answer that you need.

Wibbs

I think you need to really step back. You're self obsessing this. It's still all about what you want from her. Her feelings unless they agree with yours are not on your radar. Advice that doesn't agree with what your self wants is thanked but not acted upon. She seems to be fast becoming the focus of all the unhealthy emotions and she's not even around. Her reasons for the split I suspect like Gyalist are longer in coming than the last few weeks. Her shopping is pretty much an excuse IMHO. No person who actively wants to see another, especially a loved one is going to blow it off for shopping.

These emotions sound like they're getting on top of you. Yes they are hard for everyone some more than others, but I think it's hitting you harder than it should be as far as remaining emotionally healthy. Grief is emotionally healthy response to loss, even a level of acute panic and obsession, but I feel that this is going a little too far for you. This nightmare you speak of is pretty all your own doing. That is not blame by the way. It's just that the emotions you create are yours to control for the most part.

Would you consider counseling before this gets more out of hand?

CDfm

Wibbs is talking a lot of sense.

Im really into the word integrity and his post has that.

It sounds like you went a bit off the rails with the financial probs you had and your girl couldnt take it.You said youve been like this since she knew you in college.

Councelling is a good idea and you mentioned that you have been none to happy since she has known you.

Its easy to arrange councelling by going and seeing your GP.

But you should do things by yourself this weekend -relaxing stuff , like going to a gallery, museum beach etc. Avoid alcohol or anything else.

Have a nice weekend.

Lollipops23

OP if she wants space give her space. and perhaps see this as an opportunity to sort your own head out?it sounds as if you could benefit from a little down time for yourself. try not to obsess over this, if anything that will serve only to drive her further away.take care of yourself;)