Cringing

LegacyUser

I know this might sound a bit mad, but for the last few months I have been constantly cringing about things I have said or done and it's really affecting me. I constantly dwell on a stupid thing I said to someone while out on the town (even though other people say stupid things too and I know this), a stupid mistake I have made in work, relationships I had in the past that I wish I could forget about and so on. Even stuff from years ago and I m beating myself up about it. It's really affecting my life, I find myself sitting at home for hours dwelling on what a loser I am and what people must be saying or thinking about me. I used to not be like this. I get nervous talking to people in case I say something moronic. I feel that I can't make easy small talk and no one reall wants to talk to me. I know I could help myself by thinking positively but I cant stop all these things coming into my head

Kevster

Hi,

When we have lots of free time on our hands, we tend to resort to 'talking' to our own brain - This is generally a bad thing to do for some people because it can mean that we overanalyse things, which I feel you are doing. Has your confidence taken a hit before this all occured by any chance? - I mean, did your life receive a set-back somehow?

Take care,
Kevin

Das Kitty

Unregistered wrote: »

I know this might sound a bit mad, but for the last few months I have been constantly cringing about things I have said or done and it's really affecting me. I constantly dwell on a stupid thing I said to someone while out on the town (even though other people say stupid things too and I know this), a stupid mistake I have made in work, relationships I had in the past that I wish I could forget about and so on. Even stuff from years ago and I m beating myself up about it. It's really affecting my life, I find myself sitting at home for hours dwelling on what a loser I am and what people must be saying or thinking about me. I used to not be like this. I get nervous talking to people in case I say something moronic. I feel that I can't make easy small talk and no one reall wants to talk to me. I know I could help myself by thinking positively but I cant stop all these things coming into my head

I 100% identify with this.

Is this the first time you've felt like this or does it come and go?

What it actually is is that you're down, possibly depressed. Have you been under extra stress of late? I find that if I'm stressed I tend to think I'm a total asshole and that I'm upsetting people with my every word. In reality I'm not (nor are you). The worst thing is that even if you logically know you're not it doesn't stop the feelings.

I got so bad at one stage last year that when I thought of the cringey things I'd let out a yelp or a word (kinda in a tourette's kind of way). Once the source of stress was gone I started feeling better, but nearly a year later I'm still not 100%.

There are two approaches I found helpful.

1. Perspective - take a step back and logically think about these things. Talk them through with someone you trust, hopefully that will give you some perspective

2. Compassion for yourself - You're giving all your compassion to those you feel you are upsetting, take a bit for yourself.

If you remove any sources of stress and upset and do not start feeling better in a few months it may be time to go to your GP.

There are thousands and tousands of us OP and nearly everyone goes through at least one of these patches in their lives. Hopefully you can find some solace in that.

xxx

Driseog

I agree with the above posters. Its happened to me too.
If you do cringe worthy stuff when your out on the town boozin then I'd recommend give up drink cos that has a knock on effect.
Its hard to think positively but try writing down the positives, this helps to remind yourself and visualize the up-side and focus on them.

LegacyUser

Op here, thanks for the replies, glad im not the only one. Das Kitty, I am so glad you said that about nearly letting something out loud- I m doing this too and I feel like im going mad. I sometimes say one thing almost and people have noticed. I suppose I am a bit stressed but i have been generally feeling bad a bout my looks and my job and so on lately so maybe this is adding to it...

wylo

Unregistered wrote: »

I know this might sound a bit mad, but for the last few months I have been constantly cringing about things I have said or done and it's really affecting me. I constantly dwell on a stupid thing I said to someone while out on the town (even though other people say stupid things too and I know this), a stupid mistake I have made in work, relationships I had in the past that I wish I could forget about and so on. Even stuff from years ago and I m beating myself up about it. It's really affecting my life, I find myself sitting at home for hours dwelling on what a loser I am and what people must be saying or thinking about me. I used to not be like this. I get nervous talking to people in case I say something moronic. I feel that I can't make easy small talk and no one reall wants to talk to me. I know I could help myself by thinking positively but I cant stop all these things coming into my head

This is crazy I could have wrote this post, every thing you have said describes me. I even cringe about a chat I had years ago with a girl that left me all embarrassed, the worst thing is that chat was with someone I didnt know at all and it was while travelling in a completely different country, madness.

While I know I cant help, I may as well give my 2 cents. IMO its all down to your current level of confidence. I find confidence or the lack of it feeds off itself, i.e. the more confident you get the more likely you'll get even more confident again.

However as your confidence drops , your chances of confidently performing normal social things like small talk with a stranger reduces, this is like an avalanche that gets worse and worse until you reach a point where you try and avoid being stuck in a que or a bus or something with someone you only kinda know.

Its all down to how much you care about what other people think. Thats why your cringing now, because you care ALOT about what other people think and your letting it take over. So a stupid mistake in work to one person is completely forgotten within 1 hour, whereas for you its eating you up all day and night. You need to turn it around(Im talking to myself here too btw).

How? Well theres the problem really, Im considering some sort of hypnosis for now, even a cd or something to start with, I hear Paul Mckennas supposed to be alright,just slowly build it back up to a point where you stop caring again, like you used be like.

Kevster

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here, thanks for the replies, glad im not the only one. Das Kitty, I am so glad you said that about nearly letting something out loud- I m doing this too and I feel like im going mad. I sometimes say one thing almost and people have noticed. I suppose I am a bit stressed but i have been generally feeling bad a bout my looks and my job and so on lately so maybe this is adding to it...

Be as confidant in your own abilities as you can be my friend. Stand tall and never look back.

CDfm

lots of people dont notice -but if you do say something that is genuinely bad taste or nasty and you know has distressed somebody be an adult and say sorry.

LegacyUser

I went through many years of similar behaviour OP and am only learning how to accept I am human and make mistakes. I would spend hours everyday putting myself down, focusing on the negative and ignoring the positives - it is the most vicious of circles.

The fact is, everyone has done or said some things they would rather have not. The only way to accept these things is to understand where you were at that point in your life and move on.....no matter how bad you think things are going for you, there is always someone looking on who would like to have some of your qualities which you are choosing to ignore in favour of the negative.

Stay positive buddy!

AARRRGH

You have to remember that often when we think we've been a bit weird or whatever, no one else has noticed it.

And even if they do notice, it's not something they really care about.

I'll give you an example:

A few months ago I was talking to a girl about my websites. She blurted out a few genuinely cringe worthy statements which made no sense. As soon as she said them, I could tell she was thinking "WTF AM I SAYING?!" but I of course know there is more to her than those statements, so I don't care. And if anything, it was amusing so she actually scored some points.

If you look at the most confident people - they often say stupid things, but they don't give a damn. As a result, people think they're great.

So I wouldn't be worried if you say or do stupid things every now and then. It's normal.

Cionn

I still cringe when I think about things that I did twenty years ago. You would think now that i'm married have kids and all that I'd be past that type of thing. guess again. when it happens to me I try to rationalise that these things are not important, have no impact on my life or will be forgetten about in a short period of time.

From a big picture point of view though, cringe as I may do from things I have done in the past, it is better to have events in your life that make you cringe rather than having nothing. Possibly might be good to think of these events as your contribution to a more interesting life for others.

best of luck with it
(oh oh I just remembered the time I was 19 and met my father in break for the border while "romancing" an older lady. The only fatherly advice I ever received "Son take her back to the old folks home where you found her")

LoanShark

I know exactly where you are coming form!
Like other posters I tend to let out a yelp or take a big deep breath..
It's normal what your are feeling,it happens alot of people..

When I was traveling I did a bungee jump and when I was getting ready to jump I made a deal with myself that all those stupid little things that I did in the past where going to stay in the past when I made this jump.. A year on if those thoughts even slightly enter my head,I force them out and keep telling myself 'remember the deal'...

Some of those are so insignificant that when you look back on your life,You'll wonder what was it all about...

Keep the head up!

Das Kitty

Yeah I get pissed off with myself when I remember telling a girl in my class when I was 7 that she had a troll's nose. I meant the cute things with the Long Coloured hair, cute little button noses on the yokes. She totally took it the wrong way and was upset.

I was 7 ffs!

There was a good period of time last year where I couldn't hear the word "billion" without cringing. I had written billion when I meant million somewhere and got accused of exaggerating, then the accuser wouldn't accept that it was an honest mistake and said I had ulterior motives. Of course I put the blame on myself and it's not an easy word to avoid when the Economy is the #1 news story.

Anyway I think it's good to put these things down like this and tell people about them, it diminishes them.

dblennon

Don't be so hard on yourself,

as long as you learn from your mitakes, take in the experience and move on you'll be fine.

Everyone has cringe-worthy moments in there past WE'RE NOT PERFECT far from it infact.

remember people are self obsorbed 99% of what you think is cringy people don't even remember/ also if friends are slagging you about it, in my opinion thats great so just laugh at yourself and remember to slag them when they make the same mistakes.

(^^^for above ^^^ if its a$$holes you don't like then drop them cause they aren't worth having around)

ogriofa

Hi, not in a reading mood but wanted to contribute...

yip - I went through a stage of getting that a lot. And I think I know why, I was full of confidence at the time, not quite too big for my boots but pretty up there. Everything in my life was great. I think this was my way of keeping myself in check. And it worked!

Maybe its an old Irish catholic guilt thing - you know, to flog yourself every now and again.

Nothin wrong with it, as you said, you've heard others spouting all sort of rubbish when you're out on the town.

Glad you brought this up

Snowie

Unregistered wrote: »

I know this might sound a bit mad, but for the last few months I have been constantly cringing about things I have said or done and it's really affecting me. I constantly dwell on a stupid thing I said to someone while out on the town (even though other people say stupid things too and I know this), a stupid mistake I have made in work, relationships I had in the past that I wish I could forget about and so on. Even stuff from years ago and I m beating myself up about it. It's really affecting my life, I find myself sitting at home for hours dwelling on what a loser I am and what people must be saying or thinking about me. I used to not be like this. I get nervous talking to people in case I say something moronic. I feel that I can't make easy small talk and no one reall wants to talk to me. I know I could help myself by thinking positively but I cant stop all these things coming into my head

would you talk to a profesional about it ? whast going on in your head, simply because it would appear that you and me have booth had the same problem...

LegacyUser

This is quite normal. The mind replays the past and projects into the future; because the personality is an invested interest.

Stop investing in the thoughts -- they are just thoughts. Shut the mind-looping down by shifting attention immediately to the breath. Don't engage the mind and it will eventually slow down.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

omg that is so me! i do that all time to the point my friends are sick of hearing about me putting myself down, and its weird because i do it without even realising it! And there is things that keep replaying on my mind that i have done especially drunk and i get a serious sinking feeling in my stomach each and every time it comes in to my head which is pretty much every day and i sit there fretting and fretting! i dont really have any advise for ya but just wanted you to know your deffo not alone!
to make you feel better one of my cringeworthys stories is i had sex in a public place very public in full view of people because i was extremely drunk the humilation burns in my face every time i think about it and rightly so disgraceful behaviour not even the least bit funny and it haunts me and prob will to my dying day so if that makes you feel any better something good came from it!